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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
JamNan · 06/12/2013 17:48

Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

I'm actually closer in age to his son [and her son] and we have lots on common.

Sounds to me like you want to usurp their son as your own. If I was his mother I would be frantic not jealous. Back off I think - you come over as rather competitive. Also carefully read what imalama suggested because that was very good advice.

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 17:49

Advice?yes,communicate plans to the mother don't arrange sleepover without her agreement
Any responsible parent will query why they're not told of sleepover plan
You should have anticipated this and sought her consent

perlona · 06/12/2013 17:50

Also if her son is very handsome, she may assume you fancy him. A 25year old man spending 'quality overnight time' with a fifteen year old girl would raise suspicion, it works the other way as well. It may be concern more than jealousy.

BruthasTortoise · 06/12/2013 17:51

But the child's father was informed so whats the problem?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 06/12/2013 17:52

Good point perlona. I wouldn't like DD staying over with a 25 year old man I didn't know if she was 15.

LucilleBluth · 06/12/2013 17:53

You are not his mum and you never will be, it would break my heart if someone was insisting on being a 'mother figure' to my DSs.

I can actually feel in my chest how his mum must feel.

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 17:53

It's a shame you can't see the mother pov,she naturally prioritises her son before you or the ex
And reading your posts you do come across as hey I'm young funky,she's old grump
I imagine she doesn't hate you,but nor does she have to love you.you must be boundaried and cordial to her

TheCrackFox · 06/12/2013 17:54

I find it a bit odd that you were having a sleepover with him without the dad being there. Creepy.

BruthasTortoise · 06/12/2013 17:56

The fact that he was staying at his Dads house with his stepmum looking after him is "creepy"? How so?

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 17:57

It's antagonistic to plan a sleepover without express consent from the mum
You didn't expressly tell her,and thinking 15yo isn't adequate.you simply haven't communicated
You may be the new fiancée but he already has a mum.whom you've riled

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/12/2013 17:59

Goodness, I wouldn't have any qualms about DS (13) spending time with a 25 yr old woman, nor with his dads partner if dad was away.

There's some unusual responses here.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 18:00

I'm sure his mum must feel jealous and worried. I don't, personally think you are doing much wrong, but I think you need to adjust your attitude because what is rational to you is emotional to her.

OTOH, he is old enough to decide and she will mess it up all on her own if she doesn't calm down a bit. You can, if you care about him, help prevent this by trying to understand where she might be coming from.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 18:01

I also think that comments about creepiness etc are strange.

TheCrackFox · 06/12/2013 18:01

Well if it was a 15yr old girl with a 25yr old step dad, arranging sleepovers mixed in within lying by omission then it would be creepy too.

Something doesn't sit right.

mrsjay · 06/12/2013 18:03

But the child's father was informed so whats the problem?

BOTh parents need to be in agreement with a child staying with a non relative and it is considerate , I think his mum may have overacted slightly too but i dont know her feelings about it, the dad wasn't there his mum really needs to know what her son is up too and who he is staying with

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 06/12/2013 18:03

Brutha (nice name BTW) she is not the step-mum yet, she is his DF's GF. I think stepparents can be fantastic, do a great job and be a wonderful asset to children. However, in this case, the OP seems to be unsympathetic, pushy and lacking in empathy. If you had a 15 year old child, would you be wildly having about them having contact with a 25 year old who is no relation to them, or you without the parent present?

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 18:03

Why must it be assumed mum is worried and jealous?maybe she's well shot of ex
But simply wants to be involved in parenting her own son,and told if sleepovers
The ex isn't necessarily a jealous husk,and maybe you ex don't treat the mum with respect

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/12/2013 18:04

I agree with laying off with the 'im his step mum' thing.

I get on v well with DS dads partner precisely because she doesn't go around saying "I'm a mother figure blah blah"

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 06/12/2013 18:04

*wildly happy

xCupidStuntx · 06/12/2013 18:04

You're being way OTT

BruthasTortoise · 06/12/2013 18:04

But the child's parent knew about it and consented. If the OP were a resident stepparent there'd be little choice about her occasionally being on her own in the house, even possibly over night, with the child. I don't know any 25 year old soon to be married people who consider 15 year olds to be anything other than children, not potential sex partners which I assume all the "creepy" comments are referencing.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 18:06

sm

You are right. I can't be sure I wonder if she is. I think that some of the other stuff the OP relates is a bit irrational on the mother's part. I think it must be hard for her. But yes, it's not right to patronise her

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 18:06

No.only one parent eg dad consented to the sleepover.mum was unaware
The girlfriend didn't tell mum or seek consent,that's the issue.lack respect poor communication

TheCrackFox · 06/12/2013 18:08

I would find the 15yr old lying by omission upsetting if I was the mum and the "stepmother" clearly enjoying the drama that she has created bloody infuriating.

CoolaSchmoola · 06/12/2013 18:09

My dad remarried when I was 15.

She became my dad's WIFE, she was not in any way, shape or format any sort of mother figure to me. I had and still have a fabulous mum, I had no need of another pretender to the crown. And that's what you are trying to be.

Luckily my dad's wife wasn't like you. When they married she actually said to me 'I'm your dad's wife not your step mum, you have a mum'.

That comment made me respect her. She's 16 years younger than my dad, and 16 years older than me, and even with that age gap she was way too young to ever be considered as any sort of mum figure by me.

20 years on she is still my dad's wife, and we get on great. I have regular meals out with my mum, dad and dad's wife. This is because we all knew and respected each others roles and boundaries.

You are not, and never will be a mother figure. You've actually got more chance of a 15 year old boy fancying a 25 year old who likes what he likes and you spending time alone with him could easily exacerbate this. I can see why his mum is concerned - you don't seem to have the first clue that some of your behaviour could be massively misconstrued by a 15 year old boy, particularly when you are going out of your way to see him alone.

You need boundaries because you are potentially stirring up one enormous fucking mess. His mum can see this, you come across as very immature which adds to the issue.

Be very careful, because you are hugely overstepping and it could destroy your DFs relationship with his son if this backfires.