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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
DirtyDancing · 08/12/2013 09:08

"No, I will never let that happen. When he's 18 and goes off to uni (or whatever he does and moves out) he's going to visit us just as much as him mum"

Ahh yes I remember that well when I was at Uni. Usually when I either needed money, my washing done or I was ill from burning the candle at both ends.

"Even in a couple of years time when he's older, we'll still be doing family stuff together, like going on holidays"

Ha ha ha ha. Trust me, he's going to hit 16/17 and you won't see him for dust. He'll be living it up with his mates in Ibiza Ha ha sorry this really is funny because it's totally deluded. Why on earth would you even expect him to want to go on holiday with you? I give it 1, may be 2 years Mac before he resents you.

IThoughtThat · 08/12/2013 09:31

The OP doesn't have to respect the Ex she just has to appear to. Big difference.

How to Smile and nod effectively should be taught in schools.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 08/12/2013 10:38

Some people still they're above the rules by continuing to troll hunt. Confused It's a free forum; there are limited rules, yet some people still have to have their say.

daisychain01 · 08/12/2013 12:27

This is sadly turning into a toxic threat.

OP posts her scenario, asks for advice "what do I do next", over time it becomes clear her position and mindset are already fixed in concrete, people respond, some have very strong views about step parenting role, and specifically about the OPs own circumstances as she volunteered, but there is limited direct feedback from the OP, just a few selected phrases picked out, from which to defend her position.

IMO it is a thread going nowhere, there is no value in defending a position to a bunch of strangers, when any advice falls on stoney ground.

Coldlightofday · 08/12/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiracleOntheM4 · 08/12/2013 13:21

I don't really understand why newlywed should want a 15 yo coming on holiday with them for the foreseeable future Confused

daisychain01 · 08/12/2013 13:32

So what value do you think there is in this thread,cold? All I see it is everyone continuing to lambast someone who clearly doesn't have the willingness to listen? If you think it is doing any good feel free to continue, its a free country.

What is stern about "saying it like it is"?

LittlePeaPod · 08/12/2013 13:39

Daisy probably as much value as you telling people that this thread is going nowhere and to effectively move on.... Both are pointless! Grin

YouStayClassySanDiego · 08/12/2013 13:44

What a strange thread.

Beth if you're still reading, take it from me, a mum of 3 teen boys with the eldest being 18, you won't see the lad for dust once he hits 16 onwards and no amount of rugby and present buying off you will change that fact.

I feel for you, you are clearly yearning for a family life.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 08/12/2013 13:49

Yes of course his mum will always have her relationship with him, but she needs to face up that I will too.

This reads like the relationship he has with his Mother is a casual friendship and the OP will have a stronger relationship!

OP, you need to understand the bond between a Mother and a child. You simply will not be able to contend with that. It doesn't matter how much you think you can force your relationship with this lad (and I still don't understand your burning desire to do so - you see more interested in this than your actual relationship with his Dad!), it isn't going to happen the way you see it.

He sees you as a 'mate' at best. His Mother is the one who carried him, birthed him, raised him. You're someone he goes to the rugby with.

Think on this: he loves his Mother. She is one of the most important people in his life (along with his Dad), someone he can always turn to, someone who knows him better than anyone else, someone who loves him back unconditionally. You? You're his Dad's girlfriend who took him to the rugby. Nothing more, nothing less.

Do you really think you can compete with that? And what kind of irreparable damage are you going to do if you keep pushing this, frankly unhealthy, relationship the way you are?

Question: why did you post on here when you are blatantly ignoring all the advice you've been given?

daisychain01 · 08/12/2013 14:25

Littlepeapod - yup, you are so right! Smile

Coldlightofday · 08/12/2013 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittlePeaPod · 08/12/2013 16:30

daisy Wink

HyvaPaiva · 08/12/2013 16:52

As a 'stepdaughter', I must say that 'it's about us. Me and the son.' made me shudder. I know you followed that with your fiance/unit statement. However, the 'us' (full stop) alongside 'me and the son' (full stop) is just possessive and thoroughly OTT. Back the hell off.

maddy68 · 08/12/2013 16:54

Watch step mom with Julia Roberts.
It's natural fir her to be jealous and worried.
You are doing everything well though, just keep being his friend

BruthasTortoise · 08/12/2013 17:16

Ok at this point I'd like to retract all my previous posts on this thread. Beth I've been a stepmum for years, I took on the role when I was younger than you are now and my DSSs have always lived with DH (and i) full time. Their Mother is to all intents and purposes and in all practical ways useless BUT she is still their Mum and the bond they share can not be replicated by me or anyone. And that's speaking as someone who has "mothered" the boys from early childhood.

HedgehogsRevenge · 08/12/2013 18:17

Well we have to be thankful for small mercies. Much as OP wants to control this boy, he's 15 so she can't. Imagine he was 5 or worse, a baby. Does'nt bear thinking about. I do wonder if the father has any clue what he's getting into.

daisychain01 · 08/12/2013 19:00

And cold no offense taken, thank you for reaching out, I appreciate it. I apologise if it came across as me being stern, I really understand the sheer frustration, because that is exactly how I feel about this thread. It's so "I'm beating my head against a brickwall here", being ignored and a one-way conversation with someone who refuses to listen.

Over the >550 posts, so many people have genuinely tried to give some solid advice and experiences to Beth, I have learned a lot myself! The tough part is having long periods of zero contact by her. Some OP's do find it difficult on AIBU to 'climb down' from their fixed position, and admit they may need to change. It is probably one of the most unanimous threads I have ever read on MN!

Hopefully it has given Beth some food for thought, if nothing else Smile.

It's difficult to make assumptions but if she has very few family and friends around, she may be trying to compensate by making a family - if her DSS doesn't like it, I'm sure he'll run for the hills! I personally don't think it is the most sinister thing I've ever heard, just naivety and lack of experience and now because people don't agree with her!

One thing I love about MN is that people don't beat around the bush - if YABU you soon know it!

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 19:21

I think that Hedgehogs has it. There would be a huge problem if he was 5 yrs, as it is he is very near being his own person with his own ideas. Going on family holidays is probably not one of them.

Coldlightofday · 08/12/2013 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameIncomplete · 08/12/2013 19:38

Maddy - the thing is though she doesnt want to be his friend she wants to be a mother figure.

puntasticusername · 08/12/2013 20:39

Coldlight I'm very well, thankyou, and I enjoyed my Biscuit Smile

daisychain01 · 08/12/2013 20:53

Nice post, cold, I like the "rinse and repeat" bit Grin - teenagers, who'd have them?! But knowing what a so-and-so I was as a teenager, all raging hormones and "life is soooo unfair", now I realise that there is no rule book anywhere that says life should be fair, only that it's life.

Now folks, something I haven't got to grips with on MN is the Biscuit treatment - is this something nice? not nice? something to enjoy (like punt) did, or can it be any damn thing you want it to be?

puntasticusername · 08/12/2013 21:48

"something to enjoy (like punt did)"

I do feel a bit dirty now, I have to admit. But not in a BAD way.

Dunno, I'm fairly new here myself and still unsure of the nuances of the Biscuit, wasn't it discussed on a thread a couple of days ago?

DeMaz · 08/12/2013 21:48

Oh I will look forward to the day the stepson turns around and shouts 'fuck off! You are not my mother' to the OP!

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