Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

[Beth9009]

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

Beth - I feel bad for you. The more I read of your posts the worse I feel for you because there is something obviously wrong. I feel bad because you should have been a part of your fiance's son's life long before now, and not only after you moved in, and you certainly shouldn't be thinking that once you're married things will change. You'll be married, sure, but life carries on as normal. You won't suddenly be considered more important in your fiance's sons life, or even more important in your fiance's life. I don't understand why you're made to feel like a magic switch will flip (it's sad that someone's made you feel like only with marriage will you count). You should be important NOW! The only difference with marriage is legality.

You admitted that you've been with your fiance for 4 years but you've only really been around the son for the last year... A few posters talk like those other 3 years count but they don't, not for the son. For the first 3 years of your relationship your fiance didn't involve you in his life with his son... that's sad. Like he wasn't sure you were going to be a permanent fixture. His son likely didn't think much of you outside of being his dad's girlfriend, like a work colleague, someone his dad spent time with but meant nothing to him.

Now you've moved in you're madly grasping at a relationship with the son and talking like you think that marriage will suddenly change everything and you'll be the Brady Bunch or something. Life doesn't work like that.

You keep calling your fiance your "almost husband" or "soon-to-be husband"... like you're trying to gain some status as his wife... as if you're getting nothing from being "just a fiancee". Why are you feeling like a less important person as "just a fiancee" that you feel the need to emphasize that you will be his "wife"? Why do you feel so insecure in your post that you feel the need to diminish the ex-wife's post and importance? She will ALWAYS be important and ALWAYS be in your fiance's life. That doesn't make you less important, but you seem to think it does.

I don't have a good impression of your fiance from your posts and really how could I. You seem to be alone in your battle with his son's mother and he should have dealt with many of the issues years ago. He should have been easing you into a relationship with his son, at LEAST from the end of the first year of your relationship (and I wonder why you weren't). You would have been able to be better friends now... and I'm willing to be the relationship with his child's mother would be less abrasive now, so close to your wedding.

I'm not trying to be mean but you're essentially, to his ex-wife, a child. She probably considered you a re-bound in the beginning (seeing he was your age when you met (21), when got married and his son was born)... and probably considers you a mid-life crisis now (like a "do-over" for him) and doesn't want her son getting hurt. You've essentially only been in this kids life for a year. Whether you were getting married tomorrow or not, a year isn't a long time. She may relax over time but a year just isn't enough time for her to trust you with the most important person in her life, HER son.

I honestly, truly think that YOU need to see someone, alone (not couples counselling). To talk about your obvious feelings of inadequacy both as a person in your fiance's life and his son's life, and to discuss your unrealistic "Brady Bunch" expectations that will magically occur post-marriage. You are in for a serious emotional shock (and a lot of heartache) when you come down from that wedding and honeymoon high and realise your "spot" in the family hasn't really changed at all emotionally, just legally. And if your fiance is telling you that after the wedding it will all change... make sure you mention that to your counsellor. Marriage is not a special card that when dealt changes a person/situation. Don't allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated with thoughts of "ever after".

sorry for the length

Sky-what a far better post that I managed! I agree!

does anybody feel any more squicked out if you consider that OP could be a bloke posting for the enraged mummy contingent to give him his jollies ?

it wouldn't be the first time on MN, and it won't be the last

some of you need to get a bit of distance, and employ brain before kneejerk

god almighty OP.. you have some serious issues that you should get addressed before you completely fuck up your ideal little family..

I am a stepmother. My stepson is a little more than ten years younger than me (he is 28), and he is also one of my best mates too.. we socialise together, he lives with us at the moment, and we work together as well..

but..

I am not his mother, I will never replace his mother or try to take her place.

He was 15 when I met his father, and his parents had been split up for almost ten years at that point.

There have been some occasions when his mother has resented me, particularly when he had a child and she became a grandmother. Note that one.. SHE became a grandmother.. I didnt, nor did I consider myself to be one either.

You have a lot of growing up to do. And by what you have posted here, it is no wonder that his mother wants to restrict the amount of time he spends with you. If I was his mother it would worry me too.

Round of applause here for Syk

Makes no difference.everything on mn is leap of faith none of it corroborated
Only post what you're happy to share on anonymous forum
No one knows who's legit or not.plenty regulars have trolled

OP you are sounding like a spoilt brat, and a bit whiny 'but whyyyy can't I? I want to...' It isn't adult at all. And your lack of understanding about the fragility of balancing a step family really worries me.

Yes you can have a 'proper' family relationship with your stepson, and be a unit with him and your dh, but for god's sake do it slowly. Rushing in and deliberately not understanding why his mum is upset is immature, and very unkind. Why can't you wait?

Gosh clever you,spotting an alleged troll. Reported it have you

sm, if you want to carry on responding, of course that is your choice

don't let me take it away from you

Beth my perspective, as a mum whose DC have a step-mum, is that when they go to their dad's it's to have contact with their dad - what a child has a right to is good contact with their NRP. When you're a mum you don't have kids so that you can then not spend time with them, so it's difficult to lose them every other weekend, during the holidays etc, but I facilitate it because the DCs need (and want) to see their dad! But they don't need or want to see their step-mum, so from my point of view, if he ain't going to be there, I don't want the kids to go to his place, they might as well spend the time with me! There are clearly going to be times when they do things with their step-mum one-on-one, and they enjoy her company, but if my ex isn't going to be there at all, they don't go and we swap with another time when he can be there.

I'm sure your partner's ex feels the same way. It's pretty entitled of you not to recognise this. If you become a mum yourself one day, you'll discover the visceral need to protect your kids and you'll be less blasé about this women's feelings.

Look mist,i take all mn with shuvel salt,nothing is corroborated,not you,not op
I respond because i can,because I want to.im not being hoodwinked
If you think something amiss report it

sm, you have no idea what I have reported

I respond how I wish too, would you stop me ?

I'm not a moderator mist.nor are you.I've not advised that folk don't post
IMO,Don't share what is too personal.its all a leap.all words on screen
Mn is online blah,it's not a safe therapeutic pals space.be internet savvy

OP, sorry but frankly, you sound at best very naïve and at worst plain nasty.

This is not about you being better than his mum. It is not about you clocking up brownie points with your DP or his son by being so cool, it is about the fact that you are not acting like a responsible adult.

Of course you should make proper arrangements with his mum, you should encourage him to inform her of any changes to plans, because she is his mother. And I do also worry that he may have, or may soon have, a massive crush on this young-sounding 25 yo who wants to spend so much time with him - to outsiders it probably looks much more like a "date" scenario than a stepkid/stepmum relationship.

as for trying to lay down the law about how he will visit you equally when he is at uni FFS get a grip, you cant possibly dictate this, its laughable!

be warned, if he realises this is any sort of competition between you and his mum, with you trying to usurp her and sneer at her, he will come down on her side and hate you.

I did see and agree about some Extended posts way back on the thread but as it's still here I can't help responding

OP, I am the same age as you. But from what I have read in this thread we seem years apart in age. (And Im not overly mature)

You have asked AIBU. Yet not actually taken any of the comments or advice given on board.

Your posts just read "me, me, me". I'm sorry but that's how your have come across.

Re read this thread and try and use some of the great advice given.

Oh, I'm too late.