Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

[Beth9009]

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

If he was 5yrs it would be a much more difficult situation.

You've gone from sounding ridiculously thick skinned to now sounding like a fatal attraction style "Bunny Boiler". I'm starting to feel sorry for your DP, his son and the boy's poor mother.

Beth,what about you?whats your career or studies/interest other than boyfriend and stepson?
You see no woman should immerse herself wholly in a relationship to exclusion of other stuff
You need something for yourself other than bring defined as girlfriend,stepmum

Beth you sound 15

Actually OP, and I mean this in the nicest way, you sound like you're completely out of touch with reality. I think you need some rl help, maybe counselling.
You have the opinion of hundreds of posters, it's not helping you see any kind of reason, I don't know why you bothered posting.

*No, I will never let that happen. When he's 18 and goes off to uni (or whatever he does and moves out) he's going to visit us just as much as him mum. We (my soon-to-be husband and I) will be in his life just as much as his mother because custody won't be in her favour. It'll be down to him who he visits and spends time with.

Even in a couple of years time when he's older, we'll still be doing family stuff together, like going on holidays. This is the sort of thing I'm looking forward to when I'm married. And we will both have our love of watching rugby, even if his dad isn't interested in it.

Yes of course his mum will always have her relationship with him, but she needs to face up that I will too*

this is very disturbing. You won't let an adult child not visit you? Or demand that he does 'family stuff'? How exactly are you going to achieve all of this? Are you going to lock the boy up until he agrees to behave as you want him to? You don't think a young adult will be partying and holidaying with friends, girlfriends? You think he has some kind of obligation to spend an equal amount of time with you and his mum?

You are obsessed with the ex having done wrong. She had an affair. As the 'victim' of an affair, I can tell you I abhor people who behave in that way but I also know that my marriage was far from perfect and that I played a part in that and I fully understand why my ex might have strayed, even if I can't accept it. If your husband to be hasn't yet faced up to his responsibilities towards his ex and their relationship breakdown, you can be very much assured that a relationship with him won't be easy. Part of 'moving on' is recognising the problems and facing up to them. You can hate her for what she did but it's not going to help your relationship with either her or her son. Do you think you can cover up your obvious hatred of this woman in front of her son? Do you understand that if you back his boy into a corner, he will support his mum a thousands times over supporting you and that you will, effectively, come between him and his father, your partner? Are you sure you're not wanting there to be problems so you can literally jump up and down about how unreasonable his ex is when all she has done is ask to ensure she is involved in arrangements which affect her son?

YOu don't need to be better than the ex. You don't need to be super step mum. You just need to accept that there are boundaries and then respect them.

Wah, I was happily giving the op the benefit of the doubt but....sheesh Beth, you really, really need to back off a bit.

This boy doesn't exist to bring meaning to your life.

Coldlight oh, just a general feeling, you know.

Beth do you work?when boyfriend away what do you do,who do you see

Right,folks need to be more temperate.i don't agree with her stance but lets hurl insults
nuts it's a derogatory word.its stigmatising
Lets cool it

Omg I pity the poor boys future girl friends and eventual wife. I can see the posts on here in 10 years about the mil and the step mil from hell who is demanding her dh spends his free time and holidays with her.

More convinced than ever that this is a wind up. Even the supporters of the 'step mother from hell ' are backing away nervously

How about 'bampot'- is that ok?

OP makes me feel most uncomfortable.

Oh wow. You really don't get it, do you, OP?

I understand the desire to create a family if you don't have many relatives, but you are badly misunderstanding appropriate behaviour. It's possible you're overwhelmed by the prospect of becoming part of an established family and that's clouding your judgement, I don't know. But please, for your own sake, just listen to what people are saying to you. You might get this when you have children, but if you could fake some level of understanding now, it'd be a start.

his mother is not interfering, she is being his mother. You don't yet understand this because you are not one yet.

if you have your own child, I think you may look back at these posts and cringe.
the Hand that Rocks the Cradle is the film that springs to mind reading through the full posts.