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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 21:58

Why the concern, AFD, what has this Op to do with you ?

BitOfFunWithSanta · 07/12/2013 22:00

These threads often get extended, and even bumped by sockies, TAD. But if it is genuine, then I think Sykadelic made a lovely compassionate post, and shows the best of MN.

lunar1 · 07/12/2013 22:04

I was quite supportive of you in my first post on here. Now i wish i knew your boyfriend so i could warn him to run for the bloody hills. you sound a bit of a bunny boiler.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 22:04

wotchoo been up to with Santa ? Xmas Grin

OneStepCloser · 07/12/2013 22:05

Beth, from what you are writing it seems that your desire for a strong relationship with your soon to be stepson has something to do with your own upbringing? It does sound as though you are trying to replace something in your life. Do you want your own children?

Stepchildren can be great and positive strong relationships can develop, although not maternal relationships, but a friendship, but it takes time. Dont rush it, within a year hell probably be like most 16 year olds and just grunt for a few years. The thing is your bond` with him will never take the place of his mother, and be careful about being negative about her around him as that could hurt him deeply.

Coldlightofday · 07/12/2013 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 07/12/2013 22:24

FFS if you think this is a troll, shut your gob and just report as per MN rules. No one wants to hear you bleating on and on about your opinions if they're only to post how you think you know best.

scottishmummy · 07/12/2013 22:26

Indeed.if one thinks its amiss report.otherwise pack in all The conspiracy theories

perlona · 07/12/2013 22:32

Seriously, you're not going to 'let him' live an independent life as an adult? You sound deranged. I think not having any family of your own has led you to create an obsession of forcing this boy into playing happy families with you. You do not have the right to control him and you will have no ability to do so when he is an adult, while you may be able to manipulate his vulnerable teenage brain now but when he's older he will notice your manipulations and resent your attempts to control him which will result in him running like hell from your pschyo self.

If your fiance saw this thread, he would understand why his ex is so untrusting of you and realise that you're even crazier than she thinks.

You're 25 with no family, no friends and an obsession with a teenage boy, you obviously have serious issues, stop projecting them onto this boy. His mother is right to be suspicious of you, right to protect her son and if she found this thread you would never be allowed in his presence again. Because you're insane. I wouldn't let an obsessed, controlling person like you near my kid, no normal person would.

Leave him alone. Get help. Find friends your own age. Losing the crazy will help.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 22:38

OP I too think you need something else in your life, some friends or a hobby. It's very easy to latch onto something, a person or an ideal, if you haven't much in your life.

Sorry if that's patronising

UptheChimney · 07/12/2013 22:41

Yes of course his mum will always have her relationship with him, but she needs to face up that I will too

My god that post is chilling: it reads as if you want to take a woman's son away from her.

You don't sound very mentally well, TBH.

IrisWildthyme · 07/12/2013 22:45

OP I'm sorry but you are being incredibly naive. sykadelic's and Generic's posts are very wise and you should re-read them.

A 15 year old is never going to perceive a 25 year old as a mother figure and you are not going to magically gain the role you want the day you wed his father.

You can certainly be good friends with your fiance's son but stop trying to play happy families and try to grow up a little bit.

ShylaMcClaus · 07/12/2013 22:50

OP I think you would benefit from stepping away from Mumsnet and entering an extended period of deliberation while you consider all the advice that has been given.

moldingsunbeams · 07/12/2013 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittlePeaPod · 07/12/2013 23:20

Wow... Is this thread for real?

Beth its wonderful that you and your soon to be husband are/have been really happy and in love for the last 4 years. I wish you all the best and may it last forever. BUT, I really feel sorry for this boys mother. You seem to think that when it comes to your soon to be husbands son, because you are marrying him, this all of a sudden entitles you to have equal status/say/respect etc. as the boys mother. If you do, then I am afraid you are solely mistaken/deluded. You will never be this boys mother. He already has a mother. You are his dads soon to be new wife. And it's great you get on but seriously you need to back off and respect his mothers wishes.

PansOnFire · 07/12/2013 23:27

You sound unhinged. You're marrying his dad not replacing his mother. My goodness I hope you have your own children soon and back off from the boy soon. At the moment he doesn't mind, in fact he's enjoying the attention, but when he's 30 and your expecting the same he'll be a bit miffed.

You have no children yet, but please understand that they grow up so quickly and that time for a mother is very precious. When you do what you are doing you are stepping on his mother's toes and taking away her authority and trying to muscle in on the special bond between them. There will be times when his mother is insistent on something for his own good and you don't sound as if you are going to be very supportive. Let his mother have her time with him, and respect that if she wants him to stay with family and not with you them that's her decision.

You make references to things like his mother 'finding out' and this is scary. Whatever plans you have with him you should check with his mother. A marathon for charity is great but why did you hide it from his mother? Do you not think that checking with her first would be appropriate? It's her business, she's his mother. Keep her in the loop, let her celebrate this with him too! You say she is unreasonable but you haven't given her a chance.

Your attitude is disgusting, you are entitled and childish. I hope that when your fiancé trades you in for a younger model your kid's new stepmother treats you in the same way. I can't wait for that thread.

And yeah, the step parenting forums are far more understanding than AIBU but I doubt they will have much sympathy for you, you put the efforts that step parents put in to protecting their step children from conflicting situations to shame.

RESPECT HIS MOTHER FFS.

phantomnamechanger · 07/12/2013 23:35

OP, you seem to think the son is a great kid, yes? do you not think his mum deserves a huge amount of respect from you for her part in raising him that way? just think yourself lucky you are not marrying someone with a teenage yob they expect you to take on!

ancelynthecraven · 07/12/2013 23:52

It is pantomime season. I just can't remember which well loved children's story this reminds me of.

birdybear · 07/12/2013 23:58

just marking place, can't quite believe what i am hearing!

WordOfTheDay · 08/12/2013 00:20

I know that this is rather beside the point but, in case the OP or anyone else is interested
Fiancé - engaged man
Fiancée - engaged woman

E.g. He is her fiancé and she is his fiancée.

It is from the French. The extra "e" on the end indicates that the person is feminine.

moldingsunbeams · 08/12/2013 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xCupidStuntx · 08/12/2013 01:26

Have you considered getting some counseling OP?

I think you'd really benefit from it, you don't sound like a very well woman. Look after yourself.

UptheChimney · 08/12/2013 08:29

You're marrying his dad not replacing his mother

Thing is, she seems to want to replace the boy's mother.

LittlePeaPod · 08/12/2013 08:46

Sounds and reads like an adapted plot to the film The Hand That Rocks The Cradle!

I am surprised Op thinks her behaviour is appropriate and normal...

moldingsunbeams · 08/12/2013 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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