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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to change DD's childcare because of this comment?

361 replies

katherinelilyflower · 05/12/2013 21:15

DD is 12 months old this month and has been with her childminder 5 days a week since she was 7 months. I am the first to admit I can be defensive about this, which is why I want to check on here first before doing anything hasty.

DC2 is due in March. Originally I'd been going to start maternity leave in February but I've been unwell so won't be going back now after the Christmas holidays (2 weeks.) I told DD's childminder about this, and she was chatting to me for a while about my plans, and I forget the exact nature of the conversation but the gist was that I'd be taking 12 months for maternity, this going back to work January 2015 when DC2 will be 10 months.

So, you'll be putting another baby of less than a year old with me five days a week, will you?

was the comment.

So - MN jury - AIBU?

OP posts:
StarsUponThars · 05/12/2013 22:21

Has that ever actually happened MyMIL Grin?

fuzzypicklehead · 05/12/2013 22:21

Go with your gut, OP. You sound like you already know what you need to do.

Retropear · 05/12/2013 22:22

And then sending her with a new sibling to a completely diff setting.Thus giving her 3 main carers during a challenging time for any toddler.

Nice.

Tiny children make attachments.

KongKickeroo · 05/12/2013 22:23

And if she's leaving the CM anyway for your maternity leave, it's the perfect opportunity to start afresh with someone else afterwards, together with your new baby. No wrenching involved Grin

Retropear · 05/12/2013 22:23

You asked for an opinion and I'm giving it to you.

If all you want is an ego massage don't post in aibu.

Original poster
katherinelilyflower · 05/12/2013 22:24

she wouldn't have three main carers.

me & dh
nursery

I make that two.

But either way Retropear, you're evidently convinced I am the worst parent in the world and I doubt anything I say will change your opinion. To be honest I think (for whatever reason?) you've just taken a dislike to me and are trying to upset me. It's worked, of course, as like I say, I do get defensive - I guess people can see why, now.

OP posts:
brandyandsummergloves · 05/12/2013 22:25

MyMILisfromHELL

That is possibly the most thoughtless post I have read on here.

oddsocksmostly · 05/12/2013 22:25

Well how helpful (not) is that grenade to throw into the discussion MyMILisFH?

mrsminiverscharlady · 05/12/2013 22:26

MMILIFH, I've never met your mother in law, but I reckon we'd get on.

Retropear · 05/12/2013 22:26

Erm my clients and I chatted about all sorts of things including likes and dislikes.It's not Victorian England.Hmm

MumofYuck · 05/12/2013 22:26

Tiny children make attachments

Yeah, you're right. My 2yo definitely remembered people that he hadn't seen since he was 1yo Hmm

waltermittymissus · 05/12/2013 22:27

I'm not sure you should let the opinions of total strangers upset you so much, OP.

If you're comfortable with your choices so what if randomers don't like it!

Retropear · 05/12/2013 22:28

3 in total when you factor in the cm during her short life.

messalina · 05/12/2013 22:28

she sounds judgemental. if she offers the service it is out of line for her to comment on those that use it. i would be cross and ditch her. you say she is hard to warm to. she sounds like a judgey cow.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/12/2013 22:28

I dont for one moment believe that Retropear is a childminder, and an ofsted outstanding one too.... Smile Ignore.

Original poster
katherinelilyflower · 05/12/2013 22:29

Retro - look, I don't know why I am wasting my time to be honest, but here we go.

"I'm not so fond of dogs!" is fine.
Pulled face and "Leave that dog in the car! I can't stand them!" I consider rude (dog was not out of the car at that point.)

At any rate, mine was a clear question and no hint of an ego massage in it - you could simply have said, "yeah, I think YABU because your DD is happy." Fine! But, you are the one who have made it personal - not me. To the point where I am wondering if you are indeed the CM!

I have decided to use another childcare setting after ML, which is not until January 2015. I did not "know" this when I started posting but subsequently made up my mind as subsequent posts made me think so thank you for that.

OP posts:
Sharptic · 05/12/2013 22:32

I think it would help to clarify it with her, maybe dig a little for opinions she holds on childcare.

A childminder I used would be constantly planning ahead with childcare ratios, she was always many steps ahead of me when it came to school holidays. I think she was mentally working ratios in her head! (and all the extra money in her bank ;-)

StarsUponThars · 05/12/2013 22:32

Good luck OP Smile. All families have to work out what works for them, it's difficult, and it's not the same answer for everyone.

Retropear · 05/12/2013 22:32

Erm I was Quint....and Outstanding thanks.

Op asked for an opinion,I think she'd be mad to do this.

I forged close attachments with my minders and they did with me,we're still very fond of each other.

teacherwith2kids · 05/12/2013 22:33

The thing is, any childcare setting will have adults in it who will have opinions about the parents whose children they care for. The opinions that the CM may have voiced won't be ABSENT in a nursery setting, although they might not be voiced so openly to a client.

Childcare workers are, by definition and for preference, as it makes thm good at their job, child-centred. They see the world at least partially through the eyes of their charges. They do not always think about all the other circumstances of parent's life, what they see is the child.

Changing childcare may not change the attitudes of the child's carers, but it may change whether or not they are voiced IYSWIM.

pianodoodle · 05/12/2013 22:34

myMIL You also see plenty of mothers out and about with their babies crying inconsolably Grin

Retropear · 05/12/2013 22:36

Oh and for safeguarding reasons you're supposed to keep unknown animals/pets away from your mindees. Maybe she had other children in the house,maybe she'd had a bad dog experience.Not everybody likes dogs.I wouldn't want a dog bounding around my dc let alone kids that aren't mine.

radiatormesh · 05/12/2013 22:37

Come to the US. Plenty of 12wk old babies with full-time nannies. 12m is nothing.

Oh and I think that YABU: my first thought was she was confirming the baby's age to check her ratios.

Original poster
katherinelilyflower · 05/12/2013 22:37

Thanks Stars - it is tricky Grin

Retro - good for you, but I doubt DD will remember her childminder after nearly 13 months "holiday." She will be 2 by then and may well enjoy the nursery setting more. We shall see. Either way, having forked out nearly £20,000 to have her, I never thought we'd be able to give her a sibling but a surprise happened and so indeed we can.

Teacher - I'm not anti-opinions, I just don't want them voiced to me. Hypocritical? Probably, but it is how I feel - I'd rather not know if people think I'm a hard-faced bitch who only cares about work, when nothing is further than the truth.

OP posts:
messalina · 05/12/2013 22:37

ignore bitchy comments OP and go with gut instinct. i would also like that MIL.