to change DD's childcare because of this comment?

[katherinelilyflower]

DD is 12 months old this month and has been with her childminder 5 days a week since she was 7 months. I am the first to admit I can be defensive about this, which is why I want to check on here first before doing anything hasty.

DC2 is due in March. Originally I'd been going to start maternity leave in February but I've been unwell so won't be going back now after the Christmas holidays (2 weeks.) I told DD's childminder about this, and she was chatting to me for a while about my plans, and I forget the exact nature of the conversation but the gist was that I'd be taking 12 months for maternity, this going back to work January 2015 when DC2 will be 10 months.

So, you'll be putting another baby of less than a year old with me five days a week, will you?

was the comment.

So - MN jury - AIBU?

With the second comment it does sound a bit like she is judging. She must be in the wrong job then if she is judging you for using a service she provides, very odd! Are there any other childminders you could consider? If she considers being with her is not good for your Dc's then that isn't a great advert for her at all.

To me it sounds like she is being very judgmental. It would change things for me. You will have a year to find someone new. Personally I would give her notice and start looking. You need to feel fully supported by your CM. She is a key person in your life when you work full time and you don't need her to be undermining you or making you feel guilty.

You acknowledge that you can be defensive about using child care. How will changing your child care help with this? If your child is happy, and you are generally OK with how she is cared for, I would take more notice of this.

Jesus! I'd have my DD away from the judgemental cow straight away. How dare she?! My DS went to nursery from 5.5 months - needs must, and I had to work but if the nursery had made such a comment I'd have moved him. Personally I'd be giving immediate notice and would tell her exactly why, too. Then find a lovely nursery for both your DC to start at after maternity leave.

I think I will look at a nursery for DD next year, and for the new DC. I wasn't really thrilled by the childminders I looked at. This one does have a nice home and a lovely play area in the garden for the children but I can really do without judgement.

Oddsocks, I suppose I am defensive because I have had so many comments like the one from the childminder, about why I'm not working part time or about my "poor" DD or about what a shame it is, etc. It does make you edgy and defensive after a while unfortunately.

Gosh, I'd be upset at that too. The first comment I could explain away but the second comment would have me raging (and probably in tears once I was on my own).

I think it's really important to be able to warm to the person providing so much care for your child so if I was you, I'd be looking for someone else for when you are going back to work.

I went back to work full time when DS was 6 months and DD was 5 months, They are now 9 and 6 and have suffered no harm and we have very strong relationships (I'm trying not to gush about how much my children and I love each other lol). I credit the childminders my children have had in helping me to form them into the lovely little beings I have now! My last childminder in particular loves my daughter almost as her own (she had DD from 11 months until she started school but didn't have DS as he was at school by this point) and I now count her as one of my very best friends.

Sack her off and find someone else. Not returning to work is not an option for many, myself included, the last thing you need is someone judging you for it and taking money off you for the privilege.

Gosh, I'm getting more angry on your behalf as I type!

Will DD be with the childminder at all during your maternity leave?

The way I read it was one of ratios, as I had presumed that your older DD wouldn't be at the childminder while you were on maternity leave. If the plan is then for both of them to return full time to the CM once your maternity leave has ended, then your DC2 being under a year old at the time means that she can't take on an under 12 month old to fill the gap you leave in the meantime, because DC2 would take her over her ratios.

Hmm, the second comment is a bit off perhaps. If so, she has a cheek - disapproving of your choices, but being willing to benefit financially from them.

I think that you named your DC in your last post OP, you can report your post and ask MN to remove it if you want them to.

Forgot to say that if you leave your DD there, you don't know what kind of comments she may make to her as she gets older. A simple 'Has mummy left you to go to work, again? Naughty mummy!' from the CM to your DD when she's old enough to understand could cause untold upset.

Well that's that then. It has made you quite unhappy and it really does seem she is not the best childcare for your family. Move your dd.

Btw you may want to ask MNHQ to edit out your dd's name. Unless that's a typo and is a completely unrelated name like my random Dave the other day.

However, I do understand the need for a childminder that you really like and trust (we couldn't survive without our lovely CM, who has had DS and DD for years before school, and for whom nothing is ever too much trouble), so, given that you will be on maternity leave anyway, I would perhaps make a break after Christmas, and look for new chilcare for once your leave ends.

I would have thought that if she was talking about childcare ratios she would have said that she could only take one child under one, and that she may not be able to take OPs child if she has another one already. Why mention 'another child under one full time'? It does sound like she is judging?

If your DD is only 12 months, she would get used to another childcare setting with someone less judgy. My DS had a childminder who came highly recommended who I didn't warm to. I had to move DS at a similar age because we moved house. We found a lovely childminder who I get on with really well. The relationship between home and childminder is much better because of it. And she doesn't judge my choice to work when it's paying her bills!

I had a CM I got this vibe from, she would make little comments about how lucky she was who got to spend all day with her DC's. (It doesn't sound that bad here but it was the frequency of it and how she said it.)

In the end it felt like she was feeling sorry for my DC's for being 'in care' all day every day. I didn't want this to rub off on my children, so put youngest in nursery and eldest at after school club instead. We're very happy now.

It's interesting to read posts about relationships with CMs - I 'like' the CM that my DC goes to, but we haven't become close friends or anything like that. I know that she probably doesn't agree with some of my choices (and vice versa), but I also know that she looks after my DC with love and understanding. I've upset her at least once (generally by being an unthinking arse), and she's probably upset / frustrated me at times too. But we're both still here, and I do think she's great overall.

I think it sounds a bit judgy. But your DD has spent a lot of time with her and presumably bonded to her as a carer? If so, then leaving her with someone else could be a big wrench for your DD emotionally. If you were happy with her care, I would leave your DD there for her sake.

Thank you.

DD won't be going to the childminder when I'm on maternity leave - can't afford it! I have to admit I am apprehensive terrified about two children under two at home for eight months but we'll just have to work it as best we can!

I don't know how she felt about it piano! This is the issue - I am now wondering if all along she has been curling her lip at heartless me and my poor baby, now to be babies!

I doubt it - I hope not, although I have to say her second comment about being the only mum who had put their baby in 5 days a week sounds a bit clumsy.

She could be just stating fact but then again, if you now feel uncomfortable I'd go with your gut feeling.

It does seem strange for someone providing a child-minding service to be looking down on the people who need the service!

I suppose the only way to be sure is to ask her to clarify what she meant, though it might be tricky to do without seeming confrontational.

I agree with Grennie. She shouldn't have said and it was an unfair thing to say, but to be honest if your DD is happy with her then I wouldn't move her to another childcare provision. It would be hard for her to start the resettling process again after developing a bond.

If your DD is having a 12 month break from this CM anyway, then any bond is unlikely to survive the separation at this age, or at least will be substantially diminished.

Sooo you're going to wrench your Dd from a setting I presume she is happy in at a time she needs security to a complete diff type of setting that isn't ideal for a tiny baby because of one comment?

Blimey.

Oh and childminders are allowed to have areas out of bounds and personal opinions.

My bedroom was out of bounds and I hate dogs(
last I heard t's not a crime)-but I was Outstanding.Thankfully my clients valued my work as opposed to silly petty issues.

Seriously wonder about people's priorities at times.

As a sahm I see plenty of babies with childminders & it's not nice.

Having to hear them crying inconsolably because they want their mummy.

"Sooo you're going to wrench your Dd from a setting I presume she is happy in at a time she needs security to a complete diff type of setting that isn't ideal for a tiny baby because of one comment?"

No, op is keeping her dd1 home with her during maternity leave.

I wonder why I get defensive!

How the hell do you see lots of babies with childminders, if you're a sahm? Do you walk around going to all their homes.

Yes retropear I am going to WRENCH her, that is JUST what I'm going to do! Lovely how some of you like me to feel worse!

I don't really care if you, or my childminder, like dogs or not, or if you have personal opinions or not, but I do expect someone I employ to be professional enough not to share those personal opinions with me. And, I was going to WRENCH my DD away anyway as we can't afford for her to be with her childminder while I'm on ML.

YANBU. Her comment gives the impression that she is (reluctantly) agreeing doing you a favour, rather than actually being happy to look after your children and welcoming a prospective new charge. That would bother me far more than the judgmental side of it (though that would grate too).