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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to change DD's childcare because of this comment?

361 replies

katherinelilyflower · 05/12/2013 21:15

DD is 12 months old this month and has been with her childminder 5 days a week since she was 7 months. I am the first to admit I can be defensive about this, which is why I want to check on here first before doing anything hasty.

DC2 is due in March. Originally I'd been going to start maternity leave in February but I've been unwell so won't be going back now after the Christmas holidays (2 weeks.) I told DD's childminder about this, and she was chatting to me for a while about my plans, and I forget the exact nature of the conversation but the gist was that I'd be taking 12 months for maternity, this going back to work January 2015 when DC2 will be 10 months.

So, you'll be putting another baby of less than a year old with me five days a week, will you?

was the comment.

So - MN jury - AIBU?

OP posts:
sunsplash · 05/12/2013 21:26

Sounds judgemental to me and would put my back up. It seems she feels so strongly about it but is still taking your money. Have you felt disapproving vibes from her before?

oddsocksmostly · 05/12/2013 21:27

I think YABU. She is self employed and needs to plan ahead. If you, as an existing 'customer' will be needing her services for another child, she needs to factor that in in order to respond to requests from other parents who are requesting childcare.

TabithaMcKitten · 05/12/2013 21:27

She won't have meant ratios because both of op's dc wot e under 1 year at the same time.

Op, yanbu and I would be looking elsewhere if I were you. It's hard enough working with little ones with your own guilt trip without getting it from your childcare too.

TiredDog · 05/12/2013 21:27

Tbh I'd leave her. If I felt judged like that it would change my relationship with her

BooBudolphMeowson · 05/12/2013 21:27

Tone is everything, her follow up comment was also funny

Original poster
katherinelilyflower · 05/12/2013 21:28

Lily, she has been satisfactory. No issues or complaints regarding her care of DD. I find her hard to warm to as a person, but that is possibly because she is so very different to me.

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 05/12/2013 21:28

I think your defensiveness is clouding your judgement of her intent

TabithaMcKitten · 05/12/2013 21:28

I would blame my phone for my errors, but it's actually due to the wine.

waltermittymissus · 05/12/2013 21:29

Well, regardless of whether we think she meant it or not, if you're not comfortable with her anymore are you really going to be able to move past it and leave your dc with her?

It could have been judgy, it could have been planning ahead. You're never going to know for sure so maybe you should listen to your instincts and think about whether you're going to be happy to continue on with her?

kitsmummy · 05/12/2013 21:31

That would definitely get my back up, sounds very judgemental. As you won't need child care for a year now, I'd be giving her notice and telling her why!

Yama · 05/12/2013 21:31

Go with your instinct.

Finola1step · 05/12/2013 21:31

I also think she was thinking about ratios and perhaps thinking aloud rather than really being aware of what she was saying and how it might be received.

However, the tone of voice would be very important here. Any raise of the eyebrows? If it was an obvious dig, even a subconscious one, I would definitely discuss it with her.

But I would not necessarily change childminders if your dd is really settled. You both have a big change coming v soon and I would suggest keeping as much consistency for your dd as possible. With a new baby due, this really might not be the best time to change her childminder if she is settled and they have a good bond.

lilyaldrin · 05/12/2013 21:32

If you're not comfortable and not bowled over by her, then your maternity leave seems like a good time to reconsider your childcare arrangements.

sonlypuppyfat · 05/12/2013 21:32

What does it matter what she thinks of you. As long as you are happy with her service you don't have to be her friend.

sleepyhead · 05/12/2013 21:33

I think people are trying very hard to see this in a good light but no, while her statements were factually accurate, if you are correctly reporting her words then she sounds judgey as hell.

The first statement could have been her clarifying the ages for ratios (maybe, at a very big pinch), the second statement clearly shows that she thinks babies of that age shouldn't be in full time childcare. Which is absolutely none of her business (apart from paying her bills obv).

gobbin · 05/12/2013 21:34

Your lifestyle choice keeps her in a job, rude bag that she is!

My son went to a childminder full time at 5.5 months as maternity leave was poor 17 years ago. Never did him any harm. I mean, really, our ancestors coped with long hours, shit living and working conditions and poor healthcare and we're all still here.

FixItUpChappie · 05/12/2013 21:34

I see where your coming from OP but take some time to reflect....what is first and foremost is whether she is good childminder, whether your child likes her/has bonded with her, whether you trust her and like the environment she provides. If she is checking all the other boxes then think carefully before making a rash decision over one comment.

Brew
Babyroobs · 05/12/2013 21:35

I would imagine she was just trying to work out the ratios as they are only allowed to have 1 child under 1 if they also have older children to care for. She was probably just trying to predict what her workload will be .

TotallyBursar · 05/12/2013 21:35

The follow up comment tips it for me. Either could be bland but together it does seem that she had a point to make.

YANBU - she doesn't get paid, soon to be double, to judge the choices of your family. If you aren't up to her exacting standards then your cash isn't either.
As to what you do about it, trickier. Is your dd settled and happy? Are you otherwise happy with the care? It can be difficult to find good childcare. Because if you straighten things out & tell her you don't care to hear her opinions & it makes it awkward then you may have to move anyway. A professional shouldn't be making comments like that & if they let their mouth run by mistake should apologise and move on but as this seems to be more than brain running in neutral I would wonder what she would do when you clear the air.
It does rather mean leave it and be unhappy & possibly looking for more slights or say something with the risk it will damage your relationship irretrievably & you have to move.
It depends as well on just how strongly you feel about it too?

defineme · 05/12/2013 21:37

I think the follow up comment does suggest she's judging you.
It's a difficult one.. if you can be happy and confident about your life (as opposed to defensive) then you could brush it off because tbh if she feels sorry for your kids she will hopefully lavish a lot of love and attention on them (not saying she's right but it may be to your advantage).
It would also seem a shame to take your dd away from childcare she's happy with simply because your feelings are hurt.
However, if you're going to be at home for a year starting in 2 weeks then save yourself money, have them both at home and look for new childcare in the new year for when you go back to work.

Finola1step · 05/12/2013 21:38

Sorry x posted with lots of replies and further posts from OP.

Yep, from the childminder's follow up comments, definitely a layer of judgey pants. Agree with lilyaldrin. Probably a good time to review your overall childcare needs.

littleducks · 05/12/2013 21:39

I wouldn't make any changes straight away, if your dd is settled with her and you haven't been well and there will be a new baby soon. It is not worth upsetting that arrangement just because of the comment.

What were you planning to do while you are off on maternity leave? if you were planning to have dd at home with you I would do that and then have both babies return to a new nursery or CM.

I wouldn't send the (next) baby to her.

thenamestheyareachanging · 05/12/2013 21:40

I don't think she was being judgey, I definitely think she was thinking ahead to her ratios at the time, can only have one under 1 without asking for a variation, so it would mean she can't take another baby at that time...it would also affect her ratio of under 5's, I think.

Original poster
katherinelilyflower · 05/12/2013 21:42

Yes, I think I shall do that defineme - I really am not happy.

There are other things but they are SO minor and petty they are barely worth mentioning - one room downstairs is out of bounds and DD is obsessed with it as there are fish in it, and the CM makes this "Uh! Uh! Uh!" noise when DD so much as looks in that direction. She also hates dogs and we have a great big daft Lab who she has seen a few times as my husband takes the dog everywhere with him and he picks DD up when he isn't working late. She's made a couple of comments about this.

So all in all - new start, perhaps a nursery ...

OP posts:
MrsWeasley · 05/12/2013 21:43

You could say "no I'll be putting DC with someone who respects my decision and supports me and and my child!"

As a CM myself I find that a dreadful thing to say to someone!

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