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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to change DD's childcare because of this comment?

361 replies

katherinelilyflower · 05/12/2013 21:15

DD is 12 months old this month and has been with her childminder 5 days a week since she was 7 months. I am the first to admit I can be defensive about this, which is why I want to check on here first before doing anything hasty.

DC2 is due in March. Originally I'd been going to start maternity leave in February but I've been unwell so won't be going back now after the Christmas holidays (2 weeks.) I told DD's childminder about this, and she was chatting to me for a while about my plans, and I forget the exact nature of the conversation but the gist was that I'd be taking 12 months for maternity, this going back to work January 2015 when DC2 will be 10 months.

So, you'll be putting another baby of less than a year old with me five days a week, will you?

was the comment.

So - MN jury - AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 06/12/2013 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

veee123 · 06/12/2013 20:02

Four weeks is disgusting. Why did they even bother having a baby. Its fresh out of the womb and passed om to the next person.

imalama · 06/12/2013 20:10

Well some of the parents I have worked for have not been the sort of people who would be good SAHP's. They are fiercely intelligent, strong and driven and spend their working hours as (sometimes extremely) high powered professionals and their home hours as amazing, loving and nurturing parents. I have worked for a SAHM before and what I witnessed in that household was borderline benign neglect. I would regularly have to drag my charge away from his mother, kicking and screaming because she 'couldn't be bothered with him'. He used to beg and plead to be allowed to spend time with his parents but they would tell me to take him out of the house. So I gave that child as many cuddles and kisses as I could because he sure as hell wasn't getting any love from anywhere else.

SAHP's can also be strong, driven and intelligent but some make the choice (or must make the choice because of financial reasons) to go back to work. Happy parents + quality childcare = happy children. It's not a difficult equation.

And notice I say parents in my post, not just mothers. Why should 'paternal deprivation' not be considered as serious as 'maternal deprivation'? Hmm

And I will NEVER make apologies for loving my charges. I allow them to flourish and work to support and nurture them and give them a loving environment. All of my charges have been well ahead of the curve developmentally and have grown into caring children and teens.

But you obviously feel the need to move back to women being forced to stay in the home and raise children and keep their husbands happy. Should we hand back our right to vote too? To drive maybe? Your views are archaic and infantile.

veee123 · 06/12/2013 20:12

Well from what you said they definitely should not have children then.
So the baby bonded with you and then you moved on. Very sad. The child was lucky to have yoi.

Original poster
katherinelilyflower · 06/12/2013 20:13

Thanks for all this!

I did confront her in the end - I picked DD up today slightly earlier than normal (Friday finish). I said that I had felt unhappy by her comment yesterday, and didn't feel it was appropriate given that before I put DD with her, she had reassured me endlessly about how a 7 month old would be fine and plenty of parents had to do it. She apologised for this and stated she meant no other parents had babies with her at the moment. I accepted this but said I had to be honest and that I felt regardless of intentions my trust in her integrity and professionalism had been damaged and as such I would be considering other options.

So DD was meant to finish in 2 weeks but actually today was her last day as my in-laws have agreed to help us out and will be staying for a week and after that DH is on nights and we'll manage. It probably seems a bit OTT but I am sensitive about it. I never wanted to be a full time working mum but I am and I have to try to make the best of it.

DC2 has no name yet! Trying not to panic about this yet!

OP posts:
veee123 · 06/12/2013 20:15

Who said anything about force? I just dont think babies should be in childcare before 12 months. Whether thats with mum or dad or grandparents. I don't know why that seems to be such a big issue.

Original poster
katherinelilyflower · 06/12/2013 20:15

Vee, feel sorry for DD all you like. Trust me, she doesn't care! She has two parents who dote on her, a warm, loving and lovely home and garden, own bedroom, toys, clothes, pets, plenty of friends and playmates and all in all, a happy, stable childhood, and I would walk over fire to keep it that way. Working is part of that.

OP posts:
veee123 · 06/12/2013 20:18

Good on you ! it works for you then that's whats important right.

bumperella · 06/12/2013 20:19

Bad childcare = a bad thing. Be it from SAHP at end of tether or childminder whose ideology is totally different from the parents, or a dreadful nursery. I don't think the ONLY good childcare for ALL young children is with a parent. Neither do I think that ALL parents should go back to work within 12 months of having their child. Life is not "one size fits all".

The OP isn't about whether it's dreadful for a 10-month-old to be at a CM, its about whether it's OK for kids to be at a CM who the parents don't have a good relationship with. I would not consider using a childcare provider whose approach I disagreed with. I wouldn't expect them to have all the same opinions as me, but I would expect them to AT THE VERY LEAST respect my choices as a parent.
OP's CM does not seem to do this (either that, or she has absolutely no social skills). I wouldn't use a CM if either was true.

bumperella · 06/12/2013 20:21

OOp - cross posted with Katherine - OP.

MrsDeVere · 06/12/2013 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catellington · 06/12/2013 20:22

Hi op, well done, that was brave of you for saying how you felt.

Hopefully you will find a new childcare setting that suits you.

I had my dd, then about 6 months, do settling in period at a nursery. It didn't feel right, I felt bad and defensive perhaps how you felt. On her first day I hated it so much I took her out, found a wonderful cm, and never felt bad again Xmas Grin I'm like Teflon and dd so happy every day

Best of luck!

imalama · 06/12/2013 20:22

katherinelilyflower Glad to hear you sorted things. As I said earlier, you keep on doing what is best for your family. Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job (and being a great role model for your DD to boot!)

catellington · 06/12/2013 20:26

Just reread my post - didn't mean anything about all nurseries, just that I had bad experience with this one in particular. Don't want to add to bunfight!!!

Mimishimi · 06/12/2013 20:27

Glad you got it sorted out OP.

veee123 · 06/12/2013 20:38

Mrs de vere back again eh. I actually didn't say children should not be with grandparents. The opposite actually if you had cared to read before jumping on me again.

VeryStressedMum · 06/12/2013 20:43

I would find other childcare, I'm now a SAHM but I did work FT and I would have been livid if the person looking after my child said something like that. Not only are you paying her wages but how dare she judge you for working, I worked because I had to but even if I didn't have to work but chose to that's my own business.
You know what you want to do, your dd won't remember her at all after a year, my dcs don't remember what happened when they were a year old! Do not keep her with someone you don't like, and put your new baby with her too.

MrsDeVere · 06/12/2013 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

veee123 · 06/12/2013 20:50

Well the grandparents were in eighties with walking sticks and one was blind.so no I don't think that's adequate childcare for a 5 month old to a 5 year old . Do you ?

monkeynuts123 · 06/12/2013 20:52

"She apologised for this and stated she meant no other parents had babies with her at the moment. I accepted this but said I had to be honest and that I felt regardless of intentions my trust in her integrity and professionalism had been damaged and as such I would be considering other options." Shock

You sound like a nasty upstart and that is probably why she was trying to put you off leaving your next child with her

blueberryupsidedown · 06/12/2013 20:52

I think it's you who is over sensitive about this issue, OP. If you were happy with the childminder and your child was also settled and happy, you might come to regret your decision. I think that a 7 month old in childcare 5 days a week, up to ten hours a day is too much too soon. I do think that such young babies are better off spending more time with one of their parents, mum or dad or both, or with a family member.

MrsDeVere · 06/12/2013 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeynuts123 · 06/12/2013 20:56

Up to 10 hours a day?? Surely not! Why the hell did the op bother having kids at all. Seriously, what for?

MrsDeVere · 06/12/2013 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fancyanotherfez · 06/12/2013 21:09

Veee, Today my DS went to Santa's grotto with his childminder, she takes him to the park, softplay and playgroups. He has friends there who he loves and talks about often. When my mum looked after him, he'd be in the house watching TV or playing by himself or with his toys, because she can't drive or walk very far. I'd rather he was in the former place than the latter. I would also rather he had good food to eat and lived in a fairly nice area than have a SAHM and none of those things.