to change DD's childcare because of this comment?

[katherinelilyflower]

DD is 12 months old this month and has been with her childminder 5 days a week since she was 7 months. I am the first to admit I can be defensive about this, which is why I want to check on here first before doing anything hasty.

DC2 is due in March. Originally I'd been going to start maternity leave in February but I've been unwell so won't be going back now after the Christmas holidays (2 weeks.) I told DD's childminder about this, and she was chatting to me for a while about my plans, and I forget the exact nature of the conversation but the gist was that I'd be taking 12 months for maternity, this going back to work January 2015 when DC2 will be 10 months.

So, you'll be putting another baby of less than a year old with me five days a week, will you?

was the comment.

So - MN jury - AIBU?

Thanks for clearing that up, Quint, it was the 'do nothing' element that I was interested in. But I see that you are 'not saying that sahms sit on their bums all day doing nothing'.

It wasn't relevant to the thread, that's true, but I do think generalisations like that should always be challenged.
I totally agree, all women should be able to make the choice that's right for them/their family without any judgements.

"In any case I don't see why somebody feeling unhappy with their childminder turns into a SAH/WOH mum debate. Oh wait - because every bloody thread on mumsnet does these days."

It would not have, if the "childminders" posting on this thread were not so bloody goady, and had their judgeypants about mums who have to work hoisted up to cover their own eyes, saying dont procreate unless you are rich enough to not need to work.

Exactly what is feeble about the fact that people take a career break and cannot resume a career where they left it?

It's a fact

It's not discrimination so much as recognition that in many professions, progress desk ills anyone who isn't currently working in the profession

The govt cannot change that

dolly I did not even think that the implication was that sahms do nothing at all, looking after your children is incredibly hard work. But, the point is rather that bills wont get paid if you look after your own children.

Of course they can and sharing parental leave is a start.

"Of course they can and sharing parental leave is a start."

I think that is pretty much the only thing I have agreed with you on this thread, pear!

Ah well.

Plant I m sorry you feel that way. I really am. SAHP is a valid choice and one I might have made in different circumstances. Tbh I'm glad I didn't, but that's still my choice (and made with the benefit of hindsight). It doesn't minimise your choice or how you spend your time.

Caring for DC well is really important. I just don't think I'm the only one capable.

The point you have made about watching DC go home in a group after school is a good one. My most recent childcare experience was an after school club. There is no way I could have provided the after school activities that she got there!

Katherine, apologies as I haven't read whole thread and this is not really what you asked, but have you thought about finding a nanny instead for your 2 DC next year? We switched from nursery to nanny after DC2 and it is soooo much easier and also good for the baby too. Our main reason was financial though - it was cheaper than 2x nursery fees and where I live would have been about the same coat as 2x childminder fees I think.

Agreed, Quint. And when a situation is that black and white, it is horribly unfair that parents are made to feel crap about their choice (or lack of).
I maybe picked up on the doing nothing bit as I was a SAHM for 3 years and definitely wasn't doing nothing (mostly )

Dolly Your first sentence in that last post sums up this thread entirely

Small lesson on modern women's earning today:

Sometimes there is a higher earning man whose wage could just pay for a SAHM, but the wife wants to go to work for her own job prospects/ pension/ future earning potential, and their lower income doesn't pay for much more than childcare... But it's still worth doing for those women.

I guess this is the scenario some people can't think beyond, and are not thinking in detail about anyway, reducing it to a stereotype of selfish mum puts work, socializing and herself above poor little child.

Just a few other scenarios for consideration...

• higher waged women (they do exist you know!)... And this woman can live in any number of circumstances too!

And what about..

• single parents
• or a family that can relies on both partners work
• etc etc etc sorry meant to write loads more examples but lost the will to live.

I'd like to address a point earlier on that all childcare workers feel like this (as they 'see the world through the child's eyes') and that nursery staff merely wouldn't voice said opinion.

The nursery which both my children attended/attend have had many of their staff use the nursery for their own children. I'm guessing that they don't feel like this childminder.

I have occasionally worried about what our CM thinks of us. Not for working, but parenting style, DC behaviour and things.

Luckily she is too professional to comment!

Yama, I think the comment was that nursery staff are also capable of judginess, as are nannies and teachers. After all, the most unpleasant comments on here have been made by a primary school teacher and a nanny.

In the same way, not all childminders are judgemental - far from it! I would say there are fewer childminders judging their clients than there are parents judging childminders, and people they perceive to be childminders, on this forum.

I would take it to mean she was planning her future custom.

She will only be able to have one DC under a year, and if it's full time, she will need to plan for that.

I honestly do think you've read her wrong.

OP I have reported a post upthread where you have used your daughter's (rather nice) name. Apologies if I missed a post and it is an alias.

I haven't yet come across a childcare provider who is happy to care for a very small baby 5 full days a week, they all think a baby under a year is better off with mum. Oh of course they'll do it, they'll take your money, but you are fooling yourself if you think they don't judge you because they do. They see day in day out how it's a crap choice for the baby and a cheap choice for the mum so she can go back to work.

The first comment could have been explained away easily as her thinking about employment/ratios, but the second was clumsy at best, judgmental and condescending at worst.

I have a few friends who are CM's and the first thing they think about (after generally being excited and congratulating the parents) is how the heck am I going to pay my bills if I can't find another child? Not only that, but they wouldn't be able to hold your place so assuming you could send both DC's back to her is a little presumptuous.

At the end of the day, PLEASE NEVER let anyone make you feel bad for going back to work. I've started with a family before when my charge was only 4 weeks old and had her full time. You do what's best for your family and never apologise for how you keep that family happy. It's no one else's business but you and your DH's

monkeynuts123 As I mentioned I have had an ex-charge from 4 weeks old, 60 hours a week. I have looked after a LOT of children under 6 months. I LOVE the fact that my bosses go back to work so quickly, because although I want my own children, DH and I aren't ready yet, so I get to have all those wonderful, delicious baby cuddles at work I wouldn't get that if my bosses didn't go back to work 'quickly' (which is such an arbitrary term I think as every parent feels so differently about when is right and wrong!) I'm sorry you've been around some shitty childcare professionals.

Yes you wanting to cuddle other peoples babies is an excellent basis for thinking intelligently about maternal deprivation and mothers in the workplace and is a real nod towards your professionalism and ability to think objectively about what is best for a small baby.

A baby of 7 months does not get its emotional and attachment needs met at a nursery so its a crap choice for baby. Don't be blinded by the silly xmas cards etc your kids key worker tells you your child made under 2 years old, they don't need that kind of input, they need their mothers. And it is cheap compared to the marginally preferable choice of a nanny.