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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children do not *have* to be smacked

175 replies

Mrs4561 · 05/12/2013 11:52

I don't want to give away too much information wrt when and where etc. I was recently stood with some other mums who were having a conversation about smacking, the general opinion was that, sometimes as a last resort children need to be smacked.
The other parents in the conversation all had older children as well as toddlers, whereas I only have 22mo ds, this made me wonder if I am being naive in thinking that you can discipline a child perfectly well without smacking?
I was actually quite shocked, I didn't think people did this anymore. How can you teach a child not to hit others when you do it to them?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 05/12/2013 11:57

No of course a child does not need to be smacked! To be, smacking is down to loss of control or fear. I do remember a long time ago smacking DS because he ran near the road and scared me and I just smacked him!

I personally don't think kids react well to it anyway, there are many other more effective ways to disclipline them.

My mum and dad smacked me when I was a kid, didn't do me any harm but no, there are other ways and I don't know of any of my friends who smack their kids either.

Cleorapter · 05/12/2013 11:58

YANBU
I've never smacked my DD's, I don't think it's particularly helpful as it just teaches the child to hit out when someone else does something they perceive as wrong.

I've watched a parent smack their child because the kid hit another kid at soft play, the confusion on the child's face when he said 'mummy why's it okay for you to hit me and I'm not allowed to when he's been horrible to me?' How do you answer that? Hmm

Original poster
Mrs4561 · 05/12/2013 12:03

Thank you! I was starting to think I was just being a bit 'soft' about the whole issue.
One of the parents actually gave an example of when she had smacked her child and they said something along the lines of 'if you want to hurt me mummy you will have to hit harder than that' and thought it was funny, I actually thought it was quite sad that a child would think their mum wants to hurt them.

OP posts:
niceguy2 · 05/12/2013 12:08

As the old adage goes, there is more than one way to skin a cat.

There's no right or wrong. It's all shades of grey. Each extreme is wrong.

At the end of the day you parent how you see fit and your kids will grow up in that environment. Whether or not they are smacked occasionally or not in the grand scheme of things will matter much less than if they have grown up in a loving stable home with clear boundaries.

kinkyfuckery · 05/12/2013 12:09

YANBU.

I do smack my children, but agree that there are definitely other - more effective - ways to deal with things. I'm making a conscious effort not to smack.

SashaOfSiberia · 05/12/2013 12:09

I think it depends on the child and the situation that arises. I never smacked my DS1, my DS2 however was a nightmare around pushing boundaries, particularly around safety issues such as roads, kitchen items etc. I read the books, spoke to other parents and tried everything I could think of. One day he did something really dangerous and I smacked him.

As a technique it worked for him like nothing else. I don't think it's made him violent. He was most definitely the most smacked of my DC (maybe 10-20 times throughout his life) and he's actually the least aggressive now at 18.

Shallishanti · 05/12/2013 12:11

very sad that that seems to have been a majority opinion in that group, I thought we were making some progress on this issue- or maybe it was one or two influential voices and others like you were doubting but keeping quiet?

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout · 05/12/2013 12:19

This will bring out the two ends of MN.

As far as I am concerned smacking a child is abuse and lazy parenting. Anyone who smacks their child should be ashamed of themselves.

Flatasawitchestit · 05/12/2013 12:19

YANBU

I've 3 children, smacked my oldest once when he was maybe 3 and felt absolutely disgusted with myself I'd resorted to violence to control him so never again. I'm 11 years into parenting now, oldest 11, 7yr old DD and 1yr old. I've not had to, and never will do it again.

My DH once said to me, if I smacked you when I'd lost it with you I'd be branded all sorts and f you asked people they'd say leave me so why is it different for a child?

Original poster
Mrs4561 · 05/12/2013 12:21

shallishanti there were 4/5 other people in the conversation, they all made some comment in agreement with each other, it was only me that didn't say anything.

OP posts:
Heartbrokenmum73 · 05/12/2013 12:30

I was smacked, as were all my siblings. We've all grown up well-rounded and happy individuals. None of us are scarred for life. None of us are scared of our parents. My parents were neither 'lazy' nor 'child abusers' but thanks for the labels Hmm.

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout · 05/12/2013 12:35

Hmm at me all you want, doesn't change my views on hitting children. Or the type of people that hit children. Or their reasons for hitting them.

loveolives · 05/12/2013 12:38

I was smacked. I still love my parents and I am a very successful and well adjusted human being.

My oldest child is beautifully behaved and has been smacked on a number of occasions. Can't re call him ever hitting anyone else.

I couldn't give a fuck if anyone thinks I am a bad parent :)

Heartbrokenmum73 · 05/12/2013 12:38

Please stop making such sweeping judgements. You don't know my parents. You've never met them. Or me or my siblings for that matter.

So what 'type' of people are you lumping my parents in with then? Myra Hindley? Ian Brady? Ian Watkins?

Please elaborate, you judgemental so and so.

BanjoPlayingTiger · 05/12/2013 12:41

Children do not need to be smacked. I have two beautifully behaved children whose behaviour is complemented regularly. I smacked dd once, before I had thought it all through and realised how illogical it all was.

BanjoPlayingTiger · 05/12/2013 12:42

Sorry, I forgot the YANBU!

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout · 05/12/2013 12:42

Yeah, because Myra Hindley and Ian brady were jailed for hitting children... Hmm

Drama llama.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 05/12/2013 12:46

No, I'm asking a question. What 'type' of people are you referring to? who, exactly, are you lumping my parents in with?

And your point proves mine right. Hindley, etc were child abusers. To call someone who smacks their child occasionally (but is otherwise a fantastic, warm, caring, loving, supportive parent) a 'child abuser' takes away from people who actually are abusive.

As I said, please define 'type'.

IceBeing · 05/12/2013 12:48

I can't say if I will ever smack my child...but I can say I will feel sick with shame if I do.

I was smacked by my parents all of 4 times over my life and I remember each occasion clearly and the lose of dignity and trust they each created.

I will always look at my parents with love but also a little question in my heart as to how they ever thought it was okay.

NorthernLebkuchen · 05/12/2013 12:49

I've smacked all my children at one time or another. Just to be clear what I mean by smack - this means my bare hand on their clothed bottom. I've never used an implement or hit them in the head or face or body other than that. I am not a 'lazy' parent nor a child abuser. Op - you are right, you don't have to smack but neither do you have to avoid it. Mumsnet always gets het up over smacking and yet any other parenting issue it's all 'your child your rules'. It's rather odd.

IceBeing · 05/12/2013 12:50

The type of person who smacks a child it a person who thinks it is okay to exert control over someone weaker than them by force of violence.

It tells me all I need to know about them.

IceBeing · 05/12/2013 12:52

oh and your child your rules is the biggest load of shite going on MN. It is never true. You don't own your children...they own themselves.

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout · 05/12/2013 12:53

I didn't call them child abusers though did I? I said hitting children is abuse.

IMO it is the same as if your husband hit you - it would be abuse. (But I guess if he was otherwise a fantastic, warm, caring, loving, supportive partner it would be fine with you?)

Smacking is lazy parenting, it instills fear in the child rather than respect. Whether or not that continues to adulthood is luck of the draw. These are my views.

If you are happy with the way you were punished as a child then fair enough. Don't try to convince me, it shouldn't bother you what I think. Hit your children if you think it's a decent form of discipline. No skin off my nose.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 05/12/2013 12:54

It tells me all I need to know about them.

That's bollocks. If you met my parents, you'd make judgements based on them as people, not on whether they smacked me as a child.

My Dad was seriously battered as a child, locked in cupboards for hours, etc. That's abuse, right there.

Caitlin17 · 05/12/2013 12:55

I'm fairly new to MN, although my only ,DS is now 23. I never smacked him. He had nannies, one from 3 months until he was 3, the second 3 until he was 5 and the third from 5 until can't now recall. They never smacked either.

The first 2 nannies were young girls, late teens but had done a 2 year college course. They had him full time when I was at work.

If girls that young can discipline and instruct ( which they did) without smacking ( which I am sure they didn't) it would have been a pretty poor show if his parents(in their 30s when he was born and more qualifications than you could shake a stick at) couldn't.

No one is going to change their mind reading this thread.