To think that children do not *have* to be smacked

[Mrs4561]

I don't want to give away too much information wrt when and where etc. I was recently stood with some other mums who were having a conversation about smacking, the general opinion was that, sometimes as a last resort children need to be smacked.
The other parents in the conversation all had older children as well as toddlers, whereas I only have 22mo ds, this made me wonder if I am being naive in thinking that you can discipline a child perfectly well without smacking?
I was actually quite shocked, I didn't think people did this anymore. How can you teach a child not to hit others when you do it to them?

YANBU.

Smacking a child can never ever be justified IMO. I have never smacked my children (they are 3 and 5) and never will.

I agree with LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout - "Smacking is lazy parenting, it instills fear in the child rather than respect."

Very important point mumToOne33 Thu 05-Dec-13 17:50:59 - it is an abuse of power.

Because liveoutloud I'm not angry, pissed off or anything else. I am allowed to express my opinion here, as forcefully as I choose. I wasn't in fact being particularly forceful, I have a different opinion, very probably shaped by experience. I do not understand why you have suggested I leave the thread.

Liveoutloud, how breathtakingly patronising.

liveoutloud why should dawn walk away from this conversation? she seems pretty calm to me.

There is a reason that parents who smack prefer to do it behind closed doors - it is genuinely shameful behaviour coming from adults imo

I think it is unacceptable to intentionally cause your child pain, no matter how small, in the name of discipline

correct.

My mothers smacks hurt me, more than often left a red mark. My mother only ever smacked my legs, my aunt used to take her DDs glasses off and smack her face!!!!! My mother used to slag her off out of ear shot and say it was disgusting! I felt sick when I witnessed it .Both of them smacked/slapped , just different areas of the bodys.

My friends mother used a hair brush on her and used a slipper on her son. All seemingly 'nice' people.

It is an abuse of power and it should be banned. If you cant manage your children maybe you should have parenting classes.

I don't think you should leave either dawn I've just read your posts and I think they are fine. I think the other poster is just goading. Smile and wave!

I expect other parents wouldn't be telling you they are smackers as you disapproved of this

No, I'm talking about people I knew really well. We had reason to discuss it since there was all that hitting still going on in schools - my husband was a (non-belting) teacher, as were many friends, and we were all well aware of the pointlessness - as well as cruelty - of using physical punishment.

However, I guess none of that matters. It was 40 years ago, children are no longer belted at school, and I'd hoped that by now they'd be protected (by law I mean) at home.

I will be overjoyed the day that smacking is finally banned in this country

It is well near as it can be.

It is a criminal offence in England to physically chastise a child if that physical chastisement leaves a mark including but not limited to swelling and bruising.

So what the point,

Those talking about a slap on the back of the eggs or a tap on the hand, how does it work and why?

If its as light as is always claimed then your pretty much just touching the child no pain no shock no nothing,so how does it achieve anything with behaviour modification.

If how ever its hard enough to cause a shock or pain then its also likely to leave red finger or hand marks behind and if that's the case its a crime so is against the law and would be considered to be child abuse.

I got smacked. There's a world of difference between an occasional quick sting to the bottom which 1) doesn't leave a mark, 2) stings for about 2 seconds (like a bitch!!) then you can't feel anymore, 3) worked wonderfully for me as a method of discipline.... and.... serially hitting a child in an abusive way.

Was I smacked to intimidate me? No. To instil the fear of God in me? No. Because my mother was some inept tool incapable of disciplining me in any other way? No. Was it to release her aggression on me? No.

I am not traumatised from this. I do not feel the need to smack my child, neither would I be against smacking my child if I thought I wanted too. I haven't become a violent person. Nor am I a wallflower.

People just HAVE to look for issues that aren't there, don't they.

I'm obviously an exception to the rule as I was smacked and all it taught me was to do anything I could to avoid a confrontation with my mum.

I don't want to smack my daughter. I have felt the anger before, but have walked away before I smacked.

Discipline does not equal punishment. Two different things. Likewise, consequences are not the same thing as punishing.

Agree sugar.

I was smacked (dad's discipline of choice), not beaten, but smacked, it worked when I was small but lost its power when I got older (ie still at primary but junior age, 7 or so). My mum used to smack when she had lost her temper with us (again, not hit/beaten, just smacked, bit it was not in the "this is the consequence way" that my dad did it IYSWIM).

I never made a conscious decision to smack or not as I had not been affected one way or another by my being smacked as a child enough to make it a conscious choice for me as a parent; it just turned out that I didn't need to use it as an intrinsic way of discipline, because as people have said we are more enlightened now than in the 70s and there are other perfectly sound ways to discipline which are more positive.

I have smacked my children though, in as much as when I have felt it is appropriate - ie they have been smacked on the back of the wrist as a short sharp shock, or on the bum/back of legs when I think necessary, but this is not/has never been a regular thing, just one of the many methods I have employed over the years.
There would be no point in 'smacking' now as my boys are 11 and 8, so past the point of it being effective as it doesn't hurt - so at this age they are rather than , which for me is the whole point of a smack.

(I'm trying to answer your question sock about 'why' people would smack when it doesn't hurt, hope it makes some sense!).

No they don't but be under no illusion that other options eg verbal rollickings etc are any better.

I got smacked, I watched my little db being smacked, it did not need to be done - it was an expression of anger. I don't choose to express or justify my anger through violence. I am guilty of shouting occasionally, I'm not thrilled when I do, it's all about my frustration.., a better parent would do neither...I think we should always strive to be better....but I know my dcs would find the smacking a complete and utter breach of trust and my mother cannot fathom why she ever smacked now...it was a point in time, it should be resigned to the history books....IMO it has no place in modern society.

You are being naive to think you can discipline a child perfectly well. But that is your bridge to cross when you reach it :) In my arsenal of stuff to do to attempt to maintain some semblance of parental control is the occasional smack. It get used regularly in threats but only really comes out for special occasions. Does it work? Sometimes? Other times it is more like putting a match to a fuel soaked bonfire. It blows up in your face!

Some may find this interesting www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents-and-carers/guides-for-parents/better-behaviour/better-behaviour_wda90710.html

I haven't read all of the responses.

I was smacked as a kid and am not a violent person (neither is my older sister). By comparison my little sister and brother weren't spanked and they lead MUCH different lives (not in a completely good way).

I believe in smacking to an extent. To me smacking is on the hand, a tap (the noise, not the pain, being the important part) combined with a sharp, "NO!" and when the child isn't old enough to understand words/having things taken away/being grounded etc.

When they're old enough for other methods of punishment it shouldn't be necessary but looking at today's youth, I'd expect my opinion to change :S

I hate smacking and cringe when I see it, and hate that my dc see other parents smacking. It always feels so out if control and nasty.

I wish it was illegal.

I was smacked as a child, I have smacked my children (not as often) but YANBU. There are other ways to discipline but sadly a smack, or the threat of one, is often more efficient or evidence of a parent snapping after trying other means to get their child to behave.

My parents were of the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' type of religious observance for quite a while. It was certainly what my father was brought up with. Mum said her parents never hit her but they would stonewall her,c sometimes for weeks, which she felt was far worse. It doesn't make me angry now but it used to when it clearly was not the best way to discipline my very sensitive younger brother (who was the middle child). Even Dad reflected on that years later independently of me expressing that opinion and said he would probably have done things a bit differently with my brother.

Intentionally haven't read the thread.

I have never smacked DS (5). I am quite certain now that I never will.

I try not to judge many of those that do, but it can be hard.

I was smacked and worse. It was never about my safety, or a lesson, it was about my father's anger. I realize it is not that way for everyone. Anecdotally, I have no contact with him now as he is toxic.

Maybe I am very lucky because DS is well behaved for the most part, and respectful and kind. Before he was born, when DH and I discussed this issue, I thought maybe it could potentially happen, ie. If DS ran into the road. But in the years since he has been born, I just can't imagine myself ever harming him ---- my whole goal is to keep him from that, I can't fathom being the cause of it...does that make see? I honestly can't imagine hitting him would teach any kind of lesson, and for me personally, I'd hit about anyone else in the world before I could bring myself to hit him.

Anyway, suffice to say that for me personally certainly no, children do not HAVE to be smacked, to answer your OP. Parents, however, do have to have some method of asserting themselves to teach right and wrong, proper behaviour, and respect, which I think is where the debate has maybe started. I hope that this is not smacking. I REALLY want parents to be teaching respect, manners, and proper behaviour, using the best tools they have....but I have only one child so my experience is limited to that, and nannying and being aunty, so, really, what do I know?

All I know is I won't smack my child, and somehow he is respecf ful and kind anyway...but like I said, my experience is limited and maybe I'm just lucky. Best of luck to all.

Does that make sense, not "see". What an odd autocorrect, sorry!

I hate the euphemism 'smacking', it's hitting.

My dad did it, I hated him for years, had zero respect for him and it took years to get that back.

Because of this I made a promise to myself never to hit my own children.

do it your way.

Never understand it.

Do it to your spouse and you are an abuser, even thought they are big enough to do it back.

Do it to a child are you are just parenting them. But they can't hit you back.

It's abuse. However you dress it up.