To think that children do not *have* to be smacked

[Mrs4561]

I don't want to give away too much information wrt when and where etc. I was recently stood with some other mums who were having a conversation about smacking, the general opinion was that, sometimes as a last resort children need to be smacked.
The other parents in the conversation all had older children as well as toddlers, whereas I only have 22mo ds, this made me wonder if I am being naive in thinking that you can discipline a child perfectly well without smacking?
I was actually quite shocked, I didn't think people did this anymore. How can you teach a child not to hit others when you do it to them?

I don't see smacking a child any differently than a husband smacking his wife. both are wrong. both are abuse. I will be overjoyed the day that smacking is finally banned in this country.

So what will you do, you pro-smackers, when your children are old enough to hit back? Tell them they mustn't because, er, you're in charge? What do you do when they hit other people 'for their own good'?

I was smacked as a child and I have never forgotten or forgiven either. Snaking caused a rift that was never mended. I wasn't smacked often or bruised but it was a huge thing that someone was violent towards me.

Smacking not snaking!

It was definitely the norm to be smacked in the 70s both at home and school.NOT smacking would have caused a raised eyebrow

Tosh. Not among my friends. In schools - yes; there was still a culture of cruelty there. Children were routinely belted for the most minor of offences by weak bullies who should never have been allowed near children.

We knew one family where the father smacked (ie hit) his children - but he was a teacher, and used the strap on his class on a daily basis, so no doubt he thought "smacking" was pretty mild.

I would have felt pathetic if I'd had to hit my children to make them behave - which doesn't mean there was no discipline in our home. We had unwritten rules, expectations of behaviour, and no exceptions were made for "boys being boys" or any of that nonsense - we all behaved gently and considerately towards each other.

And after all, they are not our possessions, or some inconvenient nuisance foisted upon us - we invite them into our lives. It isn't good enough to say "your children, your rules" - that sort of thinking is dangerous. All children, not just the ones I'm related to, should be free from the threat of physical punishment.

I think it's tricky to compare the way that adults treat each other and the way adults treat children. Imagine someone came on here and said that their husband forces them sit on a 'naughty step' and think about their actions, whenever they have a disagreement, and if they try and get off the step the husband takes them back to sit down until they have had a certain amount of thinking time. People would be calling that emotional abuse and calling to LTB. And yet that is a perfectly accepted way for a parent to treat their child.

As per my earlier posts, I haven't smacked for over 4 years as I haven't needed to. My children have learnt to behave because they don't like the punishments given when they don't. To be honest now they are older I can't see them needed to ever be smacked, generally I explain why a behaviour is not desirable and that is enough.

I have never smacked "because I am in charge" or "for their own good" and oddly enough, to my knowledge neither has ever hit anyone else.

Actually my mum just to smack my legs in sheer rage, I used to put my feet up so she couldn't get to me- she sprained her wrist once. I can't remember it actually hurting though as it must of as she was using such force.

Being able to smack your children opens the door for people to interpret their own take on what is reasonable for some children it's excessive and abuse.

I never smacked my dds. They are great girls. Never had too.

Babyboomersrock

what a rude response. it was most certainly the norm to be smacked in the 70s where I grew up certainly.

both teachers and parents. it was a commen site to see parents smacking children in the street. all of my friends would say they had been smacked.

that said it's not a route I took with my own kids bar a few smacks on the eldest one for reasons previously stated.

I don't understand how people can't see how wrong it is to hurt another person, especially one so small and defenceless.

I think that smacking is always wrong and that there should be a total smacking ban. I agree with those who say, how can you teach your child not to use violence when you (the person who is supposed to care for them most) uses violence against them. Plus I have noticed that children who are smacked by their parents tend to be really naughty once the smacking parent is not there - they haven't learnt right from wrong or consideration for others, just fear of being smacked.

My Mum did occasionally smack us - I think she now regrets it ans would say that she only did it through loss of control, not through a belief that this is a good idea. Is quite funny though as she is the most indulgent grandparent imaginable and won't even say no to my dd!

I haven't yet felt at all tempted to smack dd (she's 5) - she's an averagely behaved child I guess.

My parents in law tell me they only smacked my dh occasionally and none of their other children becuase he was so infuriating - I@m inclined to believe them!

mistermaker exactly.

Babyboomersrock

what a rude response. it was most certainly the norm to be smacked in the 70s where I grew up certainly

I'm sorry - do you mean because I said "tosh"?

I do get fed up hearing how parenting was done in the 70s - I was there, being a parent, knowing many other parents, and I can assure you that not everyone was out there whacking their children.

In fact, even in the 50s, when I was growing up, not everyone went around hitting; I knew two children who were actually beaten at home -but both, sadly, had parents who used their religion as an excuse (spare the rod and and all that).

Does a smack really hurt hardboiled? Really?

I don't think it does, it is a shock certainly, but doesn't hurt any more than falling over and bumping your knee.

Hitting on the other hand does hurt - its intent is to hurt.

OMG people, get life. How I discipline my kids is nobody’s business. I cannot believe that the lot of you are sitting here discussing it. And why is it that that it is these “nice” people who “never “smack their kids that get really angry at other people who do. I wonder how they control their anger when their kids push their buttons.

I have also noticed that children who are smacked are often the least well behaved as soon as parents are out of sight.

numerous studies have also shown that smacked children are more prone to violence.

numerous studies have also shown that smacked children are more prone to violence.

What does 'smacked children' mean in that context? That phrase covers quite a range of upbringings

Is it children who have been smacked (as in a smack with a hand on a clothed bottom or similar) a handful of times as part of an otherwise very loving and stable upbringing (ie. me)? Or is it children who are smacked constantly alongside more severe forms of physical abuse and have several other care issues going on in the family?

I have not read any studies on it, but I would imagine that children from the first group I mentioned above would be far less prone to violence than children from the second group.

Yanbu, I would never smack my child. The same way I wouldn't smack an elderly, disabled or any other person less able to defend themselves than me. Abuse of power. I do remember being smacked as a child, it was not acceptable.

monica what a ridiculous question. of course a smack hurts, how much would depend on how hard the person was smacking you. the point is clearly to inflict pain or discomfort- or maybe to humiliate also.

mister there have been studies that have included both and studies that only include the former. obviously in your example the former group would have better outcomes than the latter. but I think children who come from comparable homes but without physical discipline have better outcomes than those who have experienced physical discipline.

I remember being smacked as a child, unfortunately it didn't stop there. It never did, and do you know what, she was a local teacher.
I went to the police twice in the seventies, I just got taken home and told not to annoy her. Paid for that, big time.
When a child pushes my buttons to a huge extent, liveoutloud I walk away. I do get really angry, I get tired, I get pissed off, but I also know that I am the adult in the situation so I walk away.

We obviously have very different ideas as to what a 'smack' is then, hardboiled and this is why there can never be a proper answer on whether smacking can be appropriate as discipline.

(sorry, pressed post too soon)

Because everybody has different interpretations of what a 'smack' entails, different posters are attributing wildly different levels of force or motivation behind the act and how often/extensive it is.

IYSWIM

[Babyboomer] with respect again I can only go on my experiences as a child in the 70s. I and all my friends were smacked both at school and at home. in a way that would be inconceivable today.

if you were the non smacking parent type in the 70s good on you but I imagine, as today, parents don't always tell other parents what goes on at home and I expect other parents wouldn't be telling you they are smackers as you disapproved of this.

children don't tell other adults either.

Monica I don't think we do. you say a smack only hurts as much as falling and bumping your knee. falling and bumping you knee hurts- not a lot, but it is still pain. I think it is unacceptable to intentionally cause your child pain, no matter how small, in the name of discipline.

Dawndonnaagain, how come you do not walk away now, from this conversation? Go away, cool down and then come back.