To be annoyed at Grandma's Xmas gift: preening kit for a 3 yr old girl?

[mamamiaow]

Just heard that MIL has bought a Hello Kitty dressing table set for my 3 year old daughter complete with hair straighteners, hairdryer etc. I am angry and upset that my husband said this was ok. I'd rather she spent the money on some books or colouring stuff, not some overpriced plastic tat so my daughter can sit in front of the mirror and preen herself. WTF?

I hate all of this 'pink' shit. I've been going on about the Let Toys Be Toys campaign for months and husband thinks these kinds of gifts are ok for our daughter?!

I read the Girl Guides Girls Attitudes report earlier this week and its findings depress me. Girls anxious about how they look, wearing make up and going on diets when they are 8, judged on their appearance rather than ability...

I think toys like this Hello Kitty thing just perpetuate these problems. I don't want my daughter to have this shit when she's 3. She'll get to all this preening stuff soon enough, without it being rammed down her throat.

I don't think I'll be able to put on a smile and say thanks at Xmas. It goes against all my feminist sensibilities. Husband just thinks let his mum buy what she likes. Should I just put up with it this time and say something to MIL in the New Year? Or just shut up and hope daughter gets bored of it very quickly?

SP you put it well.

Only on here do I see how ridiculous and ott people really are. People are much more normal in real life.

Wilson, there are also people who, while reaching for the smelling salts at the idea of pink stuff for girl's, treat the fact that their boys like it as some weird sort of badge of honour.
Special pink pushchair for girls? Outrage.
Boy wants a pushchair? Why not get him a pink one, I'm sure he'll love a pink one... Boy is probably completely unconcerned at what colour he gets, but mum wants to make a statement.
It's equal nonsense.

Presumably, OP, as you have primary control over what your daughter plays with, she has a variety of toys, some of which might be described as traditionally 'male' (trains, Lego - although I never really got why that was 'male' etc.) and some of which could be described as traditionally 'female' (dolls, for example). I understand why you don't want your daughter exposed to piles of pink glittery stuff, because that could make her think it's the only kind of toy she's allowed to have, but if it's one thing, is it likely to make a massive difference?

I loved girly things as a child (I had one of those Girls' World dolls - you could make her hair grow, do her make-up and everything!), but my parents limited my exposure to them (no Barbies for me!). They always taught me to believe I could do anything, regardless of gender. Obviously I can't say for sure, but I suspect that my views on women's place in society were primarily determined by my parents' attitudes, and weren't in any way challenged by the fact that my Nan bought me Sindy dolls and Girls' World. I loved getting those presents every Christmas; they were treats, and fun to play with, and they didn't for a moment make me think that I was put on earth to be a make-up artist (although that would have been fine too!).

My DD is almost three and getting exactly the same gift from my PILs. She will love it.

She loves everything pink/princess, as did I at that age. She also likes watching football and cricket and practising both in the back garden.

These days I rarely wear pink, but still like nice clothes and pampering. I'm also very senior in a large organisation and a founding member of the recently launched magazine, The Feminist Times. It seems My Little Pony and Barbie didn't sentence me to a life of servitude.

Elf I didn't say blow dry I said dry. As in using a towel on their head to soak up the excess water.

I complaints about 'boys toys' seem to be specifically about guns/weapons whereas the complaints about girls toys seem to be about 'pinkness' and 'tat' and the broader concept that female=shit.

Pinkness I think is a problem. It's become more than just a colour and leaves girls with a limited choice. Actually it leaves adult women with limited choice too, sometimes, as I found yesterday when I tried to buy pyjamas. It is also problematic with boys who want a doll or a kitchen or a hairdressing kit but are told that they are for girls.

Tat - I have girls and boys. There is a lot of tat available in the boys toys market too. It's a broader societal problem in terms of sustainability etc but I think girls toys are regarded as more 'tat-like' than boys because girls stereotypical interests are less valued. 'working' hairdryer = tat whereas 'working' drill = not tat.

Female = shit. This is the one I have a problem with. Girls are bombarded on one side with a narrow ideal of 'how to be a woman' and on the other by a message that there favourite colour that they have been marketed into is shit, their toys are tat and role playing the adults of their gender is also shit. Poor kids.

To me they are just toys what ever colour they are. I have no issue with my son been bought anything. I'm grateful they have gone out and bought him something whether it be a tool set or slippers.

My mum has bought my son and sister an innotab each. Sister has a pink one and son has a blue one. Should it bother me? It doesn't. It means they don't fight over who's is who's which is more important

My 4 year old DD recently won a sword at the Christmas fair, it is in a pink sheath so what category does it fall in to! Girls pink shit or boyish pink shit? Either way she loves it and sleeps with it

First, it isn't your money that has been "wasted". Your MiL presumably doesn't think it is a waste.

Second, campaigns such as "Let Toys be Toys" are about giving children choice about what toys to play with and ensuring that toys are not marketed in such a way that a child's choices are limited to gender sterotyped toys. I'm sure that you are going to be providing your DD with a wide range of choices in her toys. It certainly doesn't sound as though the Hello Kitty set is typical of the sort of toys she will own. Let your DD have the Hello Kitty set, she may or may not play with it. She may use it to do her hair before heading out on a dinosaur hunting expedition in the woods.

Continue to try and educate the adults in your family - but you'll find it more effective if you try and get them to agree with you rather than imposing your views dictatorially.

But Flogging, that's because in the recent past it's been unacceptable to let boys play with or wear anything pink, as being seen as 'girly' is an insult, so giving a boy these things is a massive step forward. Whereas girls are being bombarded with stuff that is focused on looks and image and discouraged from things that are practical or inspiring. So yes, lots of MNers would like to see this change for the future. It's not bollocks, it's actually really important stuff.

I would smile and receive te gift with good grace, then put it away for when she's a bit older. Your dh is also your dd parent and he also gets. Say to, not just you!

It sounds like a shit toy. Of all the things you could give a 3 year old and someone picks this?
Though I agree with accepting gracefully. Then turn it into something better...
I'd put Teddy in the chair and play hairdressers on him rather than DD being the preened one. And stick up a few hairdresser posters with mix of genders doing the styling/being styled and a slogan saying 'its what's inside that counts'.
After a few months maybe turn it into a magic experiment lab or something?

There is no way anybody would buy this for a little boy (unless the hairdryer was gun shaped!).

Well no, because in our house at least my DS has very short hair, and DD has long hair. My daughter loves that set. She has long, very thick hair and it is a battle to get it brushed. BUT she knows it has to be brushed or be cut off short like her brother's.

I really don't see the problem. I have straighteners and a hairdryer, OH doesn't because he has no hair. It's not a feminist issue IMO.

SP I wouldn't always follow the 'wants' of a 3yo because they might very easily being led to believe X is good when I don't believe it is.

Eg ds has heard about guns at nursery etc... when he was little and wanted a toy gun. I refused and he never had one.
dd wanted a set of 'make up' when she 4yo and I refused too.
All of these 'wants' were from hearing other children talking about toys they had never seen.

The same way that I said no to 18+ computer games when ds was older (as a lot of his friends at school were playing them in Y1...) I actually would say No even when they will be over 18yo

As I said, for my children, they have lots of influences from the outside, peer pressure and commercials of all sorts. They will want things that I am not happy with. I don't see why I should say 'yes' just because they ask.
It's true for a toy. It's true for a TV (we don't have one to avoid too much influences from TV commercials actually). Its' true too for a lot of others things.
For other people's children, like nieces etc..., I go with what the parents tells me. Or what the child tells me (and I know will more or less be in line with the wishes of the parent). From friends, my choices are always as neutral as possible.
It's just about being respectful of the parents wishes imho

I can see why you are annoyed, but I didn't throw away/remove any of the more inappropriate toys we received as gifts - because they were my children's gifts! One year we got a Bratz and two Barbies from a children's party...

I wouldn't choose these things but I think removing them/denying their existence when they pop up in your life is counter-productive. I wasn't allowed Barbies or a Girls World and I wanted one more than anything- I have now worn make-up every day since I was 13.

You can't fight culture single-handedly, you can't isolate your child in the house/make them not see sparkly dresses and want one/stop them chatting to older children/get given girly gifts you hate- or you can, but it won't make any difference whatsoever and may even make these things more alluring.

Blimey. So many nasty and snide comments just for expressing an opinion. The OP just asked a question, there is no need to berate her.

Feminism isn't just about choice, and if you reduce it to that then you don't fully understand it.

Society has already limited our choice, and our expectations of what girls should be. Opening a dialogue with our kids about these expectations is great, and should be encouraged.

Saying that, I don't have a problem with accepting a gift like this, if it is one of many other non-gendered gifts. I wouldn't have bought it for my DD and would not have been overjoyed had she received it as a gift, but would have put up with it.

Many girls go through a pink and glittery princess phase, and that is fine. As long as they have other options, they can choose what they want to play with.

I would start to talk about this with MIL though - is she the type that you could chat about the Girl Guide study? It woudl be a good opening to talk about these issues.

I think it would possibly have an effect if all she was given were 'pink, girly' items but clearly she is not, we have a variety of toys for our daughters ranging from wands to a toy train set, they have a choice. Some perspective helps

OP, I think your last post was rude and patronising.

It's a shame you can't just accept the gift with good grace. It was obviously bought because your MIL thought your DD would love it, and because she loves her. just think about that - someone who loves her! How brilliant that she has a grandmother who thinks of her and want to buy her a present. If you have such an issue just quietly 'disappear' it after xmas.

I dread becoming a MIL when I read posts like these.

I think only buy for 4 toddlers age 4 - 18 months. I know what they like. 2 are siblings, one a son and one my closest friends daughter.

My mum and stepdad don't care and neither does my friend. The kids can have what ever they want. The 18 month old is getting a happy land dinosaur toy and a peppa pig pink instrument set from me. The only thing my friend isn't keen on is the noise from the instruments but she should have thought about that before getting my son a guitar

They all know what they like and I wouldn't buy them something just because I think its right regardless of whether the child will like it or not. It isn't me that plays with it.

Just went back and read your last post OP and I agree with Fourflapjacks very patronising indeed.

Op you sound like a difficult person, your poor mil and family.

I can clearly remember the big playroom my dc had a few years back. With a ds and dds there was just a huge pile of 'stuff' that they all played with. Loads of fright haired limbless Barbies, tea sets, Furbies , cars and lego. And dressing up. Ds used to wear the pink frilly tutu (although now he's a teen I'm not sure he'd thank me for showing the photo to his mates) he and dd still run about playing with the nerf gun. Both dds like makeup but its just another thing to use and not their only dimension and definition. Nothing they played with back then has detrimentally affected the way they're turning out now. No-one ever says or assumes they cant do something they want to just because they are a boy or girl or wore pink. My dd1 is 15. At one time she loved pink. She wouldnt be seen dead in pink now. Its all black and gothy stuff and looking glum. Another phase to experiment with which is fine by me. I feel sorry for the MIL in the OP. She's going to wonder what on earth she's done when DIL is looking so miffed. I bet the Hello Kitty present is the last thing she'll twig to be the problem.

Banana that sounds like my playroom just now! By the time the parcels are open on Christmas day no one will know what belongs to who. The will all just play fight happily together.

Oh, don't feel sorry for MIL, or accuse the OP of being a 'difficult' person. That is quite unkind.

Mamamiaow
I felt this way when my DD was 3yr old. Despite the pink and glittery shit that my mum and MIL bought, DD is now a v cool 11yr old who is thinking of buying her first pair of Doc Martens :)

Not sure how it is unkind to feel sorry for the MIL?