To be annoyed at Grandma's Xmas gift: preening kit for a 3 yr old girl?

[mamamiaow]

Just heard that MIL has bought a Hello Kitty dressing table set for my 3 year old daughter complete with hair straighteners, hairdryer etc. I am angry and upset that my husband said this was ok. I'd rather she spent the money on some books or colouring stuff, not some overpriced plastic tat so my daughter can sit in front of the mirror and preen herself. WTF?

I hate all of this 'pink' shit. I've been going on about the Let Toys Be Toys campaign for months and husband thinks these kinds of gifts are ok for our daughter?!

I read the Girl Guides Girls Attitudes report earlier this week and its findings depress me. Girls anxious about how they look, wearing make up and going on diets when they are 8, judged on their appearance rather than ability...

I think toys like this Hello Kitty thing just perpetuate these problems. I don't want my daughter to have this shit when she's 3. She'll get to all this preening stuff soon enough, without it being rammed down her throat.

I don't think I'll be able to put on a smile and say thanks at Xmas. It goes against all my feminist sensibilities. Husband just thinks let his mum buy what she likes. Should I just put up with it this time and say something to MIL in the New Year? Or just shut up and hope daughter gets bored of it very quickly?

This is why I give no presents to my sons' girls. There is an (adult,classy,no plastic tat) jewellery box for each of them into which I put a good piece of jewellery and card for each birthday and Christmas.They know nothing about it. My husband will continue with this until they are sixteen if I snuff before.If we both snuff before ,my daughters will continue.Bad luck if their mothers consider this as too gender stereotyping...I love them.

Not me,but this happened to a branch of my family years ago.

I also don't actually agree with leaving such a young child 'decide' what they want to have, even when it's plastic crap

Why not? My son tells me what he wants and that's what he gets. He is capable of knowing what he likes and what he doesn't. I wouldn't dare try decide for him

You know I had a hair set when I was about that age. I loved it. It was pink even. The hairdrier almost worked. i was so excited about it! With it came a make up set too. I spent hours putting on the pretend make up.

I haven't worn make up now since my wedding day 15 years ago, and the only make up in the house is the dc's stage makeup. I didn't half get a look of the lady in Superdrug when I was buying the last lot with my (then 8yo) telling the assistant it was all for her. He face changed like a switch when I mentioned it was for the stage.

Ds is a 6yo. He was telling me the other day that he was playing hairdressers with a group at school. His only regret was that no one really wanted to do his hair for long as it is too short (actually it's quite long, but that's by the by). Neither dd ever played hairdressing, despite both being very girlie with dresses and hair ribbons by their choice.

A family member didn't want his daughter to have girly/pink/toys and operated a blanket ban on 'gendered' toys and pink/glitter etc.

23 years later she is a make-up addict, works in fashion and only wears dresses, never trousers! She is still very close to her dad and a thoroughly lovely person.

I think I would let it go because the biggest messages she gets from you, so if you are a feminist, not on constant diets, stress the importance of judging on behaviour not looks and support her as she gets older and changes etc, she'll be fine.

sp

Again I have no idea of the problem

Stopping a boy from playing with a "girly" toy is seen as stifling. Yet allowing a girl to play with a "Girly" toy is seen as a bad influence to be discouraged at all costs.

Creating the double standards that apparently the whole "let toys be toys" thing is trying to prevent.

If a pink nail polish set is going to some how influence a girl all about looking pretty for men ten surely it would hae the same influence on a boy. So why are either allowed to play with it?

In reality it just seems to be that girls are going to get all "influences about a mans perception" over a few toys and boys are to stupid to notice and they will just play.

If a boy can play with a toy and not be influenced as after all they clearly haven't as they are playing with a "girly toy" then surely te same goes for girls?

Perhaps if we stopped calling everything Pink, shit and all "girly" stuff, pathetic, many girls wouldn't feel less valuable.

^^ this

Giving her a balance does not mean ridiculing everything which can be put under an umbrella of 'girly tat'. It's really hard for girls who do like that sort of play to be constantly told that it is of less value than play which is commonly associated with boys. I wouldn't choose to buy a pink garage as opposed to a 'realistically' coloured one, or a pink globe with mermaids on instead of whales and I think that marginalisation in the sense of 'normal' for boys and 'pink' for girls is a problem. I would also like 'girls' toys to have a broader palette, there is no reason why all the baby dolls should be in a pink box alongside the pink barbie toys and pink lego friends etc but to condemn a role play toy based on the idea that role playing a woman is shit and needs to be discouraged at all costs is not a stance I want to take.

dd1 wants to be a make-up artist. Does that make her (or me) anti feminist? If I mention, as happens so often on MN that her favourite colour is not pink (it's yellow) and she is on the (mixed) football team at school and she 'climbs trees' does that make her a more acceptable person? Why is it that so often 'girly' traits needs to be balanced out with an acceptable layer of masculinity? I would bet my house that if this was a plastic tat workbench for a wee boy there would be no discussion. Boys aren't supposed to be ashamed of stereotypical interests and be discouraged out of them.

My twin daughters have watched me get ready for work from an early age. I wear make up, I like wearing make up. The girls watched and wanted to "play" with my make up. So I bought them a Hello Kitty set just like the one you described. They loved it. Played with it until all the make up ran out.
Never asked for it to be replaced.
Never once said they don't look pretty without make up.
They are not psychologically damaged in any way.
They played with it.
It was a toy.
I regards to the not teaching a child to preen themselves I have been teaching my daughters to wash, dry/brush their hair from an early age. Its good personal hygiene and I see nothing wrong in having a smart, clean and tidy appearance.

I would rather teach my daughters less is more when it comes to make up as I would hate for my girls to think that the bright orange faces and humongous back combed birds nests they see the girls from the local high school sporting is the look they should strive to achieve.

But isn't it just dress up?? would it be better if it was in a neutral colour? If my DS saw that he would play with it and he is normally running around dressed up as pirate or ninja. His favourite colour is blue and always has been despite his toys/clothes being a variety of colours.

I can understand you not wanting to pigeon hole her but in doing so I think you are being just as bad by not allowing her to play with whatever she chooses.

I let my DS play with whatever he wants no matter what the colour. He has a pink dolls set and a kitchen but he also has pirate stuff, superhero dress up. I have one niece who is very girly and one thats not my other niece is not really either. A pink piece of tat is not going to shape them.

It astonishes me that people can think that the mental and emotional development of a child is nothing to do with its parents, or that the parents are being over-controlling to mind what influences come the child's way, whereas the same people would never say "That bottle of WKD was a gift to the child, you don't have to like it!" and defend someone trying to feed your child alcohol.

Three year olds are sponges. Everything goes in. This is why we feed them good food, talk to them, play with them, treat them kindly. We are shaping them. This stuff matters.

I would have more sympathy for someone who stood up and said honestly "But we should encourage little girls to want to be pretty and that is what will be expected of them as adults too" (although I passionately disagree) than with the wet blanketry and stupidity of the "it doesn't matter" position.

As I said I only see this as an issue on here. No one outside of MN makes a big deal out if this.

Giles it makes no sense does it. Its still all against girls which isn't what feminism is about.

I thought it was about choice. I give my son/brother/sister a choice. They let me know what they want and I get them what they like.

Brother (2) likes cars, postman pay so he will get something related. Sister (3) likes doing hair and Scooby doo so will get something related. My son (4) likes SpongeBob, cars and prams so will get things related.

I cant imagine saying to my sister "cant have anything to do with hair as you will think that's all women do. Heres a big blue car"

or saying to my brother "no cars for you as you will grow up thinking that all boys care about are vehicles. Heres a barbie"

But then again I don't see people complaining about boys receiving blue boyish gifts. Just when girls receive girly pink ones!

Thank God for mildred - that's exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't find the words amongst the 'it doesn't matter' landslide. It does matter. I didn't let DS have guns when he was 3 - now he's 8 I allow him more choice but I'm glad he had that period when he wasn't exposed to 'manly' stuff.

And the fact that pp feel the need to defend 'girly' or 'masculine' stuff - the point is there is a 'neutral' middle ground and that is what many parents want to steer their children towards.

we feed them good food, talk to them, play with then, treat them kindly. We are shaping them. This stuff matters
Of course this stuff matters. Absolutely. But playing with a pink hairbrush doesn't.

Not fair or true SPS there are lots of threads on MN about guns and 'boys' stuff', and parents making those decisions in RL too. I think there has been a real acceleration in 'pinkification' in recent years though.

It wouldn't be my choice of what to buy, but I think these things do get played with quite a bit. Usually for brushing and blow drying the dolls or the teddies, rather then themselves.

I've found I have no influence at all in what my dd likes. She's never really liked pink girly things - but it's nothing to do with not having any - she has plenty in the house, just isn't that interested in them.

I think it would be difficult to police all the presents coming in over the years. Especially when they start to have birthday parties.

OP - totally agree with you. If my MIL bought gifts like this I would be upset that she either knew how I felt about such things and ignored it or didn't know me well enough to know the values with which I wish to bring up the DCs.

I think you have to accept it politely and then take it to a charity shop / hide it under the stairs. Or as someone said let her have the table bit and take away the 'hair staighteners' - euch!

Can't you be a well groomed feminist then? - I think there is room for this if it is balanced with a wide set of values...

It's ok to take pride in your appearance no matter what you look like M/F IMO but it is not ok to judge other on this fact alone. I am currently conveying these message to my DS(7) re washing under his arms, brushing his hair etc. But if I hear him name calling this one/that one then I correct him and explain.

You sound informed about this pink tat stuff - why dont you embrace it and use it to teach some of your own values in converse way.

BTW role play is essnetial for healthy play and development.

Have not read the thread, but as its something you happen to feel so strongly about, with very good reason, I do think this is one gift you are within your parental rights to say no too. Rather like an ipad, anything with a screen, tv in room and so on.

I only see it on here too SP, everybody in RL I know encourages their children to play with any toy rather than push them towards one sort out of the fear that any other sort will ruin their lives.
Guns have been raised on this thread a few times: at the nursery I worked at toy guns were banned in any form, including Lego, sticklebricks etc. any that the children made were taken away, broken up and they were encouraged to build something else. Then the children (not just the boys) started to use their fingers and sticks when they played outside. How do you take fingers off children? After months of farting into the wind on the issue the management gave up. Within about a fortnight nobody was making guns at all, they moved on to something else. Probably mud pies..
The staff making such a huge issue of the gun factor actually made it more desirable to the children, when they were allowed to do it they got bored and moved on.
Likewise putting an old girls world toy and some hair clips out in the imaginative corner got boring after it accidentally went out twice in a week.

I suppose then we also shouldn't be buying tool sets for boys either then? Which incidentally probably wouldn't raise an eyebrow from most people if a girl preferred it because girls do seem to have much more choice in choosing what they like to play with where as boys will often get teased if they choose something "girly".

I highly doubt that a dressing table is going to trump her living with a mum who shows her that beauty etc is not the substance of who someone is.

I do agree that there has been an increase in pink stuff and I do hate the this is for girls only/boys only comments. However, I think refusing your child a gift because it is pink or not letting her play with it is extreme. Isn't supposed to be about balance? So if 80% of their toys are neutral non gender toys then one girly thing isn't going to matter the same as one blue toy wouldn't matter for a boy.

My son learns from me that toys are for anyone to play with regardless of gender/colour that if he wants to wear nail polish he can. He is, not because I wear any I don't but he has seen other people wear it and so he wanted some on. If he so mutters that's a boys toy/girls toy he has it explained 'toys are for everyone and colour doesn't matter'

Its how you parent that can have the lasting impact and I think by denying your child every bit of pink stuff just because it is considered girly is just as bad as only giving them pink stuff.

fluff

have been teaching my daughters to wash, dry/brush their hair from an early age

washing hair yes, blow drying isnt good for hair at all, dries it out dries scalp out, I never use one and my DD is 6 and has never ever used one.