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Original poster

To be annoyed at Grandma's Xmas gift: preening kit for a 3 yr old girl?

239 replies

mamamiaow · 04/12/2013 09:40

Just heard that MIL has bought a Hello Kitty dressing table set for my 3 year old daughter complete with hair straighteners, hairdryer etc. I am angry and upset that my husband said this was ok. I'd rather she spent the money on some books or colouring stuff, not some overpriced plastic tat so my daughter can sit in front of the mirror and preen herself. WTF?

I hate all of this 'pink' shit. I've been going on about the Let Toys Be Toys campaign for months and husband thinks these kinds of gifts are ok for our daughter?!

I read the Girl Guides Girls Attitudes report earlier this week and its findings depress me. Girls anxious about how they look, wearing make up and going on diets when they are 8, judged on their appearance rather than ability...

I think toys like this Hello Kitty thing just perpetuate these problems. I don't want my daughter to have this shit when she's 3. She'll get to all this preening stuff soon enough, without it being rammed down her throat.

I don't think I'll be able to put on a smile and say thanks at Xmas. It goes against all my feminist sensibilities. Husband just thinks let his mum buy what she likes. Should I just put up with it this time and say something to MIL in the New Year? Or just shut up and hope daughter gets bored of it very quickly?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/12/2013 14:56

Mamamiaow
I felt this way when my DD was 3yr old. Despite the pink and glittery shit that my mum and MIL bought, DD is now a v cool 11yr old who is thinking of buying her first pair of Doc Martens

Just out of interest, how does preferring one brand of footwear over another make your DD a "cooler" or better person? Would she suddenly become less intelligent, less kind or less funny or whatever if her favourite shoes were pink, sparkly ballet pumps instead? Are her personal achievements less valid somehow if she does her hair and make-up first? Your comment is no less superficial than that of anybody else who values appearance over substance.

Y'know for a bunch of people claiming to be feminists opposed to the limits forced on young girls by society, there are some pretty dodgy value judgements being flung about on here.

LifeofPo · 04/12/2013 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balaboosta · 04/12/2013 15:00

Poor grandma!

Balaboosta · 04/12/2013 15:03

This is a gift to your daughter from her grandma. What's it got to do with you? I signed the pink/blue toys petition but I think you are being utterly unreasonable, unkind and dogmatic.

everlong · 04/12/2013 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 04/12/2013 15:04

i never said glitter was.

so its not the colour its the lack of choice

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 04/12/2013 15:05

SP the problem is that your ds is highly unlikely to ask for anything pink because he is surrounded by a society that tells him pink is for girls

He has plenty of stereotypical girls things, pink and not pink. He a kitchen, cleaning sets, hair brushes etc because he asked for them. If he didn't want them then I wouldn't give him them.

He has pink clothes and even some pink SpongeBob pjs as that's what he wanted.

I honestly don't care what he plays with or wants. Its up to him. Well unless its really noisy then I might decline Grin

I wouldn't push him into something. He either likes it or he doesn't. He likes all sorts of colours. He has a different favourite each week.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 04/12/2013 15:06

Ive just realised Ive bought my DD (21months) some glittery link and purple shit. Its the Doc Mc Stuffins doctors kit. Cant wait to play animal hospitals just like I did with DS, think he had a red and blue one.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 04/12/2013 15:07

Just as I posted that the advert for Bibbity Boddity came on TV...soon the be at Harrods

RedLondonBus · 04/12/2013 15:09

This thread is hilarious!

But I'm very Blush for the poor op here...

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 04/12/2013 15:11

You know until they get to around 3, some studies say 2 they are not aware of being a boy or a girl.

Until they get to 6 a child does not have a strong sense of what it means to be a boy/girl there is still a lot of cross over. I thinkt he easiest example of the mixed type of games they play in the playground when they first start school.

research has shown that mothers are mostly ok with a child playing with any toys inc thos not stereotypically aimed at their gender. This is in contrast to fathers who have been shown to negstively reinforce stereotypeds gender toys.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 04/12/2013 15:13

So there we can blame it on the men reinforcing a patriarchical system including what toys are appropriated by their offsrping.

Put the women in charge of the toy factories I say and sack Santa.

oscarwilde · 04/12/2013 15:22

My daughter is 3.5 and is being gently "teased/bullied" at her all girls nursery school for being a "boy" for the cardinal sin of being prepared to touch worms and snails at forest school. We don't buy her pink girly tat and nylon princess dresses, and at 3.5 she is already considered odd and was upset to have attended a princess party in just a pair of jeans and a pretty jumper. Lesson learned there about imposing our taste and values on a small child.

It's a gift, sterotyped perhaps, not to your taste definitely but unless it is unsafe (real hair straighteners?) it would be rude to refuse it, regift it or dispose of it.

Do you have a good relationship with your MIL? Can you gently point out that you would like your daughter to have a good balance growing up and not too much emphasis placed on her appearance? Or perhaps your MIL can be the balance and supply ALL the tasteless tat in your daughters life Smile

Finally, should you have a son in the future, your DH had better be prepared to have him playing with Hello Kitty without undue comment. If he doesn't think so over his dead body yada yada, then he should rethink accepting this gift.

LadyInDisguise · 04/12/2013 15:26

and sack Santa lol

I think you are right re not knowing the gender difference. However some boys and girls do know the difference from very young thanks to parents and family telling them so and they teach the other kids quickly.
Within a few months in reception ds2 came back home telling me that pink is for girl and he couldn't possibly play with girls or girls games. Asperger means he took everything to the letter but the the lesson us that it's the other children that taught him that maybe also reinforced by the teacher

LadyInDisguise · 04/12/2013 15:32

oscar the party stuff that's where I draw the line. Our children also need to feel that they do fit in some ways. What I have learnt is that by treating them differently, ie not educating a girl differently than a boy, they grow up with different set of values and different attitudes and it DOES set them apart.

thegreylady · 04/12/2013 15:33

I am a grandma and tryvery hard to please both parents and children. I hate stuff like you describe but I remember loving a plastic lipstick when I was tiny. As an adult I wear no make up at all and my adult dd wears hardly any.
I have three teenage dgd and the only one who goes in for 'preening' ona big scale is the one who wasn't allowed a toy kitchen as a toddler 'gender specific' give thegirl a train set!

AnnBryce · 04/12/2013 15:49

I don't know what the jiggins you're on about now, po - perhaps just carry on insulting folk who are giving views on this.

MmeLindor · 04/12/2013 16:06

SaucyJack
I didn't make any comment about my daughter being cool cause she would like a pair of Doc Martens. I included the line about the shoes cause they are big clumpy boots, not fancy pink ballerinas with bows on them.

My daughter won't be wearing ballet pumps because she has orthopedic insoles because of a foot condition - nothing serious but it means that she can't wear very flat shoes. We find it incredibly difficult to find decent school shoes because of this, as the 'tween/teen' shoes are often very flat, and she is too old for Mary-Jane style.

She is cool cause she is her own person, and because she is confident enough to buck the trends and do what she likes. Not because of any of her choices of clothes or footwear.

I would not judge any girl for wearing ballerinas, or think they were more or less intelligent because of their footwear, and I am at a complete loss to find anything in my postings that suggest that.

cherryademerrymaid · 04/12/2013 16:11

Just out of interest, how does preferring one brand of footwear over another make your DD a "cooler" or better person? Would she suddenly become less intelligent, less kind or less funny or whatever if her favourite shoes were pink, sparkly ballet pumps instead? Are her personal achievements less valid somehow if she does her hair and make-up first? Your comment is no less superficial than that of anybody else who values appearance over substance.

Choice is great, no we shouldn't put up with little more than pink in the shops for girls but some of the backlash here is worrying. I don't think a girl who decides she likes all things girly is any less ambitious/smart etc etc than a girl who is the polar opposite, nor any girl who is anything in between those two extremes.

MmeLindor · 04/12/2013 16:12

I can't name and shame the school - it wasn't actually the school who wrote this, it was a company that advertises schools. Sorry, should have made that clear. I have just looked and they have removed the tweet. Someone must have had a word.

cherryademerrymaid · 04/12/2013 16:24

Good because that was a vile thing to say.

TwerkingNineToFive · 04/12/2013 16:43

Unless you never wear a scrap of make up or blow dry your hair you dd is likely to play with these thing because it's what she experiences.
My dd (3) would probably play with these things and she likes pink. I believe this is the emergence of her female identity (yes it's stereotypical and rather crude) but hopefully it will develop in to a strong and proud female adult identity with all it's complexities and colours.

WilsonFrickett · 04/12/2013 16:44

oscar I'm not sure if I'm reading you right when you say 'lesson learned' - do you mean you won't let your DD go to a party in jeans and a jumper? Apols if I'm reading you wrong, but I don't think your DD is the one at fault here - it's other children who need to learn about imposing their taste on others.

Iggyaus · 04/12/2013 16:51

Let GM give her GD the gift, we can't dictate what they should buy unless they ask. Her GM thinks she would like it which is very kind, sounds likes quite a large gift. Your daughter will play with this type of toy regardless of your thoughts about them. Let her have fun.
What you can do is balance it out, on one of the days over christmas do something you would like her to enjoy. Go for a walk in the woods, build a den, get muddy. Teaching her that she is beautiful in all areas is the key! Muddy and Sparkly!!

JakeBullet · 04/12/2013 17:01

The issue is that this is a gift which just encourages preening....but it doesn't have to be......its a desk with a preening set.....so take the preening set away and use it in fun lets pretend we are at the hairdresser games. The desk can then be used for colouring, dough, painting etc etc etc.....

It doesn't have to be limited to what the manufacturer thinks it should.

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