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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed at Grandma's Xmas gift: preening kit for a 3 yr old girl?

239 replies

mamamiaow · 04/12/2013 09:40

Just heard that MIL has bought a Hello Kitty dressing table set for my 3 year old daughter complete with hair straighteners, hairdryer etc. I am angry and upset that my husband said this was ok. I'd rather she spent the money on some books or colouring stuff, not some overpriced plastic tat so my daughter can sit in front of the mirror and preen herself. WTF?

I hate all of this 'pink' shit. I've been going on about the Let Toys Be Toys campaign for months and husband thinks these kinds of gifts are ok for our daughter?!

I read the Girl Guides Girls Attitudes report earlier this week and its findings depress me. Girls anxious about how they look, wearing make up and going on diets when they are 8, judged on their appearance rather than ability...

I think toys like this Hello Kitty thing just perpetuate these problems. I don't want my daughter to have this shit when she's 3. She'll get to all this preening stuff soon enough, without it being rammed down her throat.

I don't think I'll be able to put on a smile and say thanks at Xmas. It goes against all my feminist sensibilities. Husband just thinks let his mum buy what she likes. Should I just put up with it this time and say something to MIL in the New Year? Or just shut up and hope daughter gets bored of it very quickly?

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 04/12/2013 12:42

Not unkind to think it, but perhaps a bit unkind to berate the OP when she hasn't actually said anything to her MIL.

She did ask if she should put up with it and ask MIL in NY, so she isn't planning on having a massive strop at Xmas.

Where did I sign up to having to agree with the opinions of my PILs, otherwise I am seen to be a bad DIL? Most have us have issues with our parents/PILs and have to decide when to grin and bear it, and when to be honest and tell them that we don't like what they are doing with our kids.

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2013 12:43

MmeLindor, since when are we supposed to be kind in AIBU?!

OP is imposing her views on everyone (on this thread as well as her MIL) and refuses to accept any validity in any other point of view. I think that could be called overbearing.

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2013 12:44

She has said stuff to her dh though, which isn't helping relationships in the family.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2013 12:44

I'm not sure why either.

Come on it's overwhelming these days the amount of toys there are. Out parents /Inlaws haven't had to buy for three yr olds in 30/40 years. Of course some may struggle to pick something, heaven knows I bloody struggle at times.

That's where the words, " thank you grandma how lovely if you" come in. It was never meant to be a van of worms, just a present for her grand daughter.

pigletmania · 04/12/2013 12:44

Exactly banana every Chid playing with the others toys. My dd6 plays with her brothers cars etc. give your child dvifferent options, not just those restricted by gender, but an outright ban is wrong. There are posters on here that we're not allowed Girly toys as it did not agree with their mothers feminist principles, they seem rather sad about it, even though it's just one part of their childhood.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2013 12:45

Can

pigletmania · 04/12/2013 12:46

Exactly Giles, receive the gift with te spirit it was given, it may not be your cup of tea, buttge main thing is your dd may love it. It's not for you!

cherryademerrymaid · 04/12/2013 12:46

WRT choices, does anyone here feel that it is often actually boys choices at a younger age that are curtailed? (Getting older I do feel it's girls' whos choices are somewhat blocked, particularly academically)

If we take it down to just one aspect - colours, including even blue - what colours are unacceptable to dress a girl in? None as far as I've witnessed...I've seen all sorts...now, you dress a boy in pink/lilac/peach....the comments and looks come thick and fast. I've not seen any pink in baby boy outfits...I've seen blue in girls' outfits.

You see it in the media too (Ross' "salmon" shirt? Anyone remember that, how it was used as a bit of a joke?) I'm showing my age now aren't I....

TottWriter · 04/12/2013 12:46

I think Daykin makes a really good point, in all honesty.

Yes, a gift that is very girly, bought for such a young child, can be problematic, especially in our current society. But I honestly don't think the answer is to claim that that anything pink, glittery, or girly is inherently bad. There is an equally dangerous train of thought there, because firstly, some people like that stuff (Heck, my 5yo DS loves playing with his sister's bangles and bracelets, enough that I bought him a couple of his own), and secondly, no child growing up today will reach adulthood without being aware that pink is used to symbolise girls, and blue to symbolise boys.

It doesn't matter if they like pink/blue, or even if they disagree with it. They will know it exists, because it still does. And they will still grow up hearing all those negative messages about femininity, about being female. We can't shelter children forever. And for a girl to grow up hearing that message, and then hearing that girly/pink things are bad, are rubbish, are tat, are things that girls maybe shouldn't play with... What are they supposed to feel?

Children don't see anything other than black and white. Something is "good" or it is "bad". "Okay, but a little problematic at times" doesn't arrive until much later. So we need to tread very carefully with our children, boys and girls, so that they don't fall into the trap of thinking that it's wrong to want to like pink things. There is nothing wrong with liking pink, with liking dolls, with wanting to be a princess when you play, as long as you accept and understand that it is just one of many options open to you. I don't see how branding pink/"girly" things as rubbish, or as something children shouldn't have can do anything other than harm those children who like them.

By all means, don't go out of your way to fill a girl's life with pink. Let her see other stuff too, encourage her to have a diverse range of interests and likes. But I don't think it's right to cordon off an entire colour as "not for you", because it presents a mixed message which could upset any girl further down the line.

I understand that the age of your child comes into question a little, but in all honesty, I can see a desk eventually being used for many things, few of which are the intended one. As a girl, I had dolls prams which I used to pretend were cargo vessels or ships, in which my dolls would ride out a flood before recolonising the devastated landscape. Large items of toy furniture can be a great springboard for the imagination. Perhaps look for the positives in this gift, and maybe talk to your MIL about age-appropriateness, and how you would like to foster a wide array of interests in your daughter, or next time, pre-empt the problem by offering some suggestions before the presents are bought. I give ideas to my parents and grandparents, with the reasoning that it avoids duplicates, but it also allows me to steer the present-buying in a direction I like.

DoctorRobert · 04/12/2013 12:48

No one outside of MN makes a big deal out if this.

Of course they do. The world does exist outside of MN you know - I only joined here about a year ago, but had strong opinions on this for a long time beforehand. Was interested in the Pink Stinks campaign long before even having a child.

I find threads like these and the attitudes on them utterly depressing. So many people - intelligent, articulate people - missing the point & just not seeing it as an important issue. If people on here don't even get it then what hope is there

justtoomessy · 04/12/2013 12:49

Floggingmolly my sons pink dolls set is not about me making a statement it's about it just being a toy! I couldn't care what colour it was nor does my son to him it is just a toy the same as his blue toys are, his green/red/orange/purple toys are all just toys to him.

It just so happened to be on sale from £45 to £20 thats why I bought it not try and make a statement. My son wanted one so I got one for christmas 2 years ago for him. I think some people see more to a colour than there really is. I think you saying that all mums are trying to make a statement is really rather judgemental.

foodfiend · 04/12/2013 12:50

I'd like to be able to think of an individual 'vanity' toy as a harmless prompt to role play, but like the OP I find the overwhelming way that 'beautification' is promoted to girls worrying. In Next last Christmas every SINGLE toy in the shop said 'Boys Stuff' on the packaging, jungle animals, pocket torches, dinosaurs, the lot. The other side of the aisle was a large display of pink toiletries. So the boys get to play and the girls get to... wash? Funtimes!

My (much beloved) godmother tends to give similar stuff to my daughter. I've smiled politely and hoped that it's counterbalanced by the rest of the toys in our house. What I tend to do now is make very specific present suggestions to my godmother, good and early, based on my daughter's likes, which don't really run to the princessy. (I do this with most family members - much less waste that way!) In this case, if your MiL knows your feelings, then I can imagine it feels like a dig.

And I can't agree that this is only a 'mumsnet' issue. I've talked about this with a lot of parents in RL.

twitter.com/LetToysBeToys/status/407176163954409473/photo/1/large

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 04/12/2013 12:54

I think there is a big difference in appreciating beauty in the world and girls feeling like they have to be beautiful.

I think buying such a toy so young wont have a massive impact, I think the age of her DC though is too young and op is against it. So on this issue I think she should have her way.

BTW Op, its much better not to say anything about boys and girls toys to young chiildren in any way to influence them.

Just like you wouldnt say" Santa may not be real.." much easier to not put the seed there.

pigletmania · 04/12/2013 12:55

Doctor your trying to enforce your views on others, that is te problem for some feminists, therefore partially gives them a bad image. I totally agree with Tottwriter she has hit the nail on the head. Yes it is about choice, and giving children various options of toys to play with, masculine or feminine, not just steering tem to one type. As I pointed out earlier, outright banning of such "pink tat" can be detrimental later on, it has affected some posters on here. I used to play with largely male toys (out of choice) but in the same vein used to like paying with Barbies, and Girls World

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2013 12:58

I don't disagree with you, justtoomessy; just making the point that it should work exactly that way for girl's too. As you say, they're just toys.

cherryademerrymaid · 04/12/2013 13:04

Robert - the pink stinks campaign is all about trying to make sure that girls aren't pigeonholed into an stereotypical ideal - that's great. But taken too far and this whole "pink hatred" is going to do more harm than good - it's just going to be the opposite side of the same coin "You're bad if you like pink/glitter/princesses" etc etc etc.

What on earth is wrong with giving girls (and boys for that matter) a range of choices and letting them choose. this is one toy, FFS, one toy. I might be on board with the OP if MIL had GD living with her for some reason and the poor girl had glitter and pink coming out of her ears, but she isn't is she? Banning anything "girly" is just as harmful. I was and am girly - I dread to think what my self esteem would have been like had I been constantly told I was wrong for liking girly stuff....I also liked lego, and playdoh and my microscope...and as I got older I liked heels, and dresses and squash and weightlifting (in the "mens" section of the gym - where I got nothing but respect and encouragement from the men there)

TottWriter · 04/12/2013 13:06

pigletmania I was the older of two girls, and the comparatively girly one. I did and still do like to wear make up, dresses, and used to play quite domestic games when I wasn't making climbing gear out of shoelaces for my toys with the help of my decidedly tomboyish sister. (Or having sword fights in the garden.)

I don't think that being bought a make up kit when I was ten hurt me, (although I think some girls are allowed to wear too much, too young), and I certainly don't feel ashamed of playing cat's cradle, or of owning a wide range of barbies (though, as I say, few of them were played with in the intended manner). Nor do I think it was a bad thing that I used to play hairdressers and comb my mum's hair into elaborate styles using all her clips and slides!

I had my pink phase and I outgrew it. Now that my daughter is 3, and loves pink, and dolls, and dressing up as a princess, I'm slightly taken aback by its intensity, but hey, she still loves playing cars with her brother, and going exploring with him, and playing "jump on all the cushions in the living room and then hide when Mummy tells us off". Some days she chooses pink clothes, others she picks blue, or green, or purple.

When my Great-Aunt bought her some Hello Kitty pyjamas aged 18months, I was sceptical. I didn't want her to grow up being "obsessed with pink", in part because I didn't have a clue how to raise that sort of child. But in all honesty, she gets just as excited about Hello Kitty as she does about RC cars, or planning teddy bears' picnics with her brother. I just make sure to remind her, when she sees adverts of girls playing with dolls, and boys with action toys, that actually, toys are for everyone, not just boys or girls.

WilsonFrickett · 04/12/2013 13:10

FFS how is she imposing her views on everyone in this thread? She has posted exactly twice and she has stated her pov. That's what threads are for. Otherwise each AIBU would consist of exactly three messages:

OP: AIBU?
First responder: YABU
OP: Of course, you are so right, I will change my views forthwith.

JakeBullet · 04/12/2013 13:15

Seems the OP has flounced as not everybody agreed with her.

FWIW at age three my DS liked pink and sparkly stuff.....the more pink and sparkly the better! He loved being a hairdresser with his pretend scissors! hair brush and comb and hair dryer. Yes..he had a pink set.

I dnnt recall the set having straighteners but then again they were not so fashionable then. They did have curling tongs though.

OP, I can understand your irritation if you and your DH have agreed not to give your DD this kind of thing and he has okayed a gift going against all that.

On the other hand this is a kindly meant gift and doesn't have to mean your DD is being taught to only value looks etc. just role play it.....hairdressers is great fun......if my son was 3 now the set would no doubt have straighteners in and as he sees me use these on my hair then he'd want to use the toy ones.

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2013 13:17

OP: Thanks for giving me your opinions Hmm.

Sounds like she's not really interested unless it matches and belittling those who disagree (almost all of her second post).

OP: AIBU?
Lots of responders: YABU
OP: Well you are all a bit thick and I am right

LifeofPo · 04/12/2013 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JakeBullet · 04/12/2013 13:19

I do get irritated by the whole "pink" thing with girls but you can carry it too far.

Not saying that this is what the OP is doing by the way.....can understand her irritation with her DH. Hope she hides that from her MIL though who probably meant well and thought her dear granddaughter would love the gift.

DoctorRobert · 04/12/2013 13:20

piglet I'm not trying to enforce my views upon anybody. I said that I find it depressing that others don't share my views - but that's not the same thing.

JakeBullet · 04/12/2013 13:22

Why is it "a bit thick" to disagree with the OP though?

People gave their views and experiences....the OP slagged them off (virtually all her second post) if they didn't agree with her views. Nice!

cherryademerrymaid · 04/12/2013 13:25

To be fair...some posters sound like complete tossers.