To be annoyed at Grandma's Xmas gift: preening kit for a 3 yr old girl?

[mamamiaow]

Just heard that MIL has bought a Hello Kitty dressing table set for my 3 year old daughter complete with hair straighteners, hairdryer etc. I am angry and upset that my husband said this was ok. I'd rather she spent the money on some books or colouring stuff, not some overpriced plastic tat so my daughter can sit in front of the mirror and preen herself. WTF?

I hate all of this 'pink' shit. I've been going on about the Let Toys Be Toys campaign for months and husband thinks these kinds of gifts are ok for our daughter?!

I read the Girl Guides Girls Attitudes report earlier this week and its findings depress me. Girls anxious about how they look, wearing make up and going on diets when they are 8, judged on their appearance rather than ability...

I think toys like this Hello Kitty thing just perpetuate these problems. I don't want my daughter to have this shit when she's 3. She'll get to all this preening stuff soon enough, without it being rammed down her throat.

I don't think I'll be able to put on a smile and say thanks at Xmas. It goes against all my feminist sensibilities. Husband just thinks let his mum buy what she likes. Should I just put up with it this time and say something to MIL in the New Year? Or just shut up and hope daughter gets bored of it very quickly?

I bought one for my son. So you are a bit wrong there. And so far he hasn't shown that much interest in make up besides nail varnish or glittery shite.

Let her be a fucking child instead of a mouth piece for your views.

mama on mn there are plenty of people who would buy it for a boy. You just contradicted yourself big time. It's a toy why wouldn't a boy play with it.

So you wanted people to just agree with you OP You asked for opinions and you got them.

This shit sells because kids want it. Most parents don't try control their children's tastes or choices.

If my son liked only stereotypical boys stuff then that is what we would get. Its his choice what he likes bot mine.

Poor Granny.

She probably thinks she's got a lovely thoughtful gift and is looking forward to seeing her GD's face when it's opened when she's actually going to be greeted by the cats arse look from you

I must be really rubbish Feminist, I mistakenly thought that it meant choosing to be who you wanted to be and letting your Daughters play, learn and do what they choose, whether it's a ballerina or a soldier.I didn't realise it actually means restricting a child's play opportunities because of the colour of the toy.
Silly me.

Something You silly billy

I have never seen this issue out of MN tbh. People just buy what they want with no issues or other thinking.

I agree with all those who say it's not a gift for you so you may not necessarily like it. If DD doesn't like it then she'll ignore it. If she does like it, then IMO you don't have the right to veto it.

It's just another way of playing 'pretend'. Just as dressing up in a pirate costume doesn't mean you'll grow up to terrorise sailors, playing with a dressing table set won't mean she grows up to be Katie Price

Bin it. Charity shop it. . Get over yourselves; it's a toy aimed at a 3 year old which she'll probably love.

I remember having a hair dryer set when I was a child, it's nothing new and it won't have any adverse affects whatsoever.
In two years time op will be back on here obsessing about some reactionary busybody attempting to give her daughter a Barbie.

Tedious.

So much for gender equality. Seems having a girl is actually a failure.

And as for all this "preening" bollocks. Well given te amount if people I've served over the years who absolutely bloody stink , wearing filthy clothes and live off take away stinking out shop cos they can't actually cook. Anything that influences ANY child including BOYS to look after themselves or spark an interest in baking , well I'd rather that than them turn out incapable in the name of feminism.

You're trying to protect YOUR feminist values when it's your role to let your dd form her own without your interference. I would say she'll love it as long as it's age appropriate. It could be worse, she could be getting her a mobile phone.

OP I completely agree with you. One toy will not make her 'too girly' or whatever but I would not want to encourage the idea that girls have to wear make up, take care of their appearance in particular etc... I would not accept that sort of crap in my house just as I refused all the guns/war stuff for boys too.

It is tricky because it's coming from her gran. Even more tricky because your DH agreed to it.
You really need to have a word with your DH about it and decide which way you want to go. It's not going to work otherwise.
And you will need some strategy to deal with it too. As you can see most people do not think it's an issue so your dd will have years of nice people giving her 'girly' presents, from her school friends at b'day parties to well meaning family members and friends.
What you can do though is to avoid the 'pampering' b'day party etc as she gets a little bit older.

I wrote a longer reply earlier but lost it (stupid phone). Here's a summary:

• Your girl will probably love it, play with it non-stop for a week or so, then move on to something else. *Role play with her - you can even try and facillitate a simple onversation about how people look different and there's more than one idea of beauty - like playing different customers asking for different haircuts. There are ways to subvert even Hello Kitty into feminist discussion and involve kids! My 4yo wants a Bratzillaz doll for xmas and been asking for 6mths. I'll probably get her one - but have been asking her if she thinks dolls like that might 'trick' little girls into thinking they're not pretty enough as they are? Get her thinking. *When she gets bored, make the next thing more in line with what you think is suitable. It's about balance and informed choice - a range of experiences. So Lego, tool kits, car kits, pirate dress up etc. I also do things like tell my dd's about real life women role models, show them youtube vids of girls doing amazing things (sending Hello Kitty into space, rockclimbing champions etc). *Idea for next year - pre empt Grandma with copy of dd's wishlist/Santa's letter - of things you think she would love and you feel comfortable with.

to think that all things 'woman' are pink and one of the main way to spend your time is doing your hair - the world is so much bigger than that; there are some many more interesting ways to spend your time in life!

I'm pretty certain this Hello Kitty toy will not be the only present, life is multi-faceted, isn't it, LornaGoon ? We all wash our hair (in the main) Mostly own a hairdryer...It's just another part of life, like working, cooking, going on holiday, pursuing hobbies, (spending time on MN - you get the point!) Just a small part of life

YANBU with your sentiments, but YABU with your reaction.

Yes, girls have too much pressure to look pretty, do their hair nicely etc. BUT

This Christmas present will not make your dd into that girl. You are her primary influence, and her secondary influence will be her peers (probably turn into primary influence soon enough), films, books, TV etc.

I think for the sake of family relationships you let her play with it for a bit. She will probably get bored of it, you can chuck half of it out in 6 months and forget about it. You sound very opinionated and a bit overbearing, if I'm honest. If anything, this kind of attitude will turn your daughter into one of those anxious girls you don't want her to become, or she will do it just to upset you. You need to chill out.

Don't get on your high horse about stuff which isn't important. You can use your energy on bringing her up to be considerate of others, and to like herself the way she is.

"(I do hate waste and would normally say regift or send to the charity shop but why should this insidious pink tat be inflicted on another wee girl? )"

All my three DD's had similar sets, they lived them at around 3 years old.

My eldest had Barbies, my middle DD was more active in her interests, my youngest had Bratz, she is now a full on Goth at 16, she set her interests early. She has just applied for a vocation college course, she wants to be a Chef.

My eldest wears her hair in plaits at 28, mainly so she doesn't have to wash her hair, appearance doesn't matter in her Managers job.

My middle DD at 18 has a full time job and is on a career path.

This must be despite what I inflicted on them, in the form of a toy they enjoyed (along with many other toys, including Lego, Play Kitchens and Tents).

To suggest binning this perfectly good toy, is disgraceful.

Your children are not your own personal social experiment.

I believe in reclaiming Pink, though, the default position shouldn't be a Macho one, we don't need physical strength or violence in our society, we could all do with being less aggressive.

Perhaps if we stopped calling everything Pink, shit and all "girly" stuff, pathetic, many girls wouldn't feel less valuable.

You are being a bit Ott... By the way, I love the idea of the brother and sister playing hairdressers...my kids would love that...

I would absolutely buy it for my 6 year old DS, he wants to be a hairdresser or an ice cream man when he grows up.

I want my daughter to grow up comfortable that it will be her intelligence, wit and hard work that will allow her to achieve her dreams, whatever they may be.

And if she chooses a pink tractor or stethoscope I couldn't care a jot.

Yes I do think it's possible to go too far in the other direction with banning pink girly things.. Being too anti-pink can even be counter-productive, as you can end up giving the message that female/feminine interests are bad or silly or lesser somehow, which is not a great message to give to a little girl.

As long as she's not restricted to only pink frilly toys and activities, and has a range to choose from, I don't think it's harmful in itself. I think that's the point of 'Let Toys Be Toys' - not that 'girly' toys are bad in themselves, but that kids should have a choice.

It wouldn't be my first choice of toy, but at the same time I don't think it's worth making a fuss over.

My daughter actually has this, (given by her aunt) though she got it when she was 4. Yes, it is pink, it is plastic, but she usually uses it to do my hair, not her own, though has no idea what to do with the straighteners! Its for role play, not indoctrination. Substitute preening for 'grooming' and like somebody said, is it really worth having a battle with her grandmother? Probably not.

I just think this kind of stuff is a total waste of money.

Then don't spend your money on it. Oh, wait, it's not your money being spent on it, and last time I checked, your DD's grandma can spend her money on whatever she likes.

Am all for role play but this is just rubbish branded hello kitty and marketed at girls. There is no way anybody would buy this for a little boy (unless the hairdryer was gun shaped!).

Well, I know plenty of little boys who have pink toys and who play with barbies and who spend time doing people's hair and pretending to put on make-up or who want their nails painted pink because it's what mummy does, or, maybe, because they just like it.

You're just annoyed because you expected everyone to agree with you and they didn't.

I also don't actually agree with leaving such a young child 'decide' what they want to have, even when it's plastic crap.

Children develop their idea of what is OK or not when they are very young. All the rest is build up from that. Encouraging toys/behaviours that says 'Women should be pretty, wear make up' and 'Men should be strong and fight' certainly isn't encouraging equality in treatment between women and men (boys and girls). You only encourage them to chose when they actually have the choice ie at home they have both girl and boy toys and they aren't 'brainwashed' by advertising on the top of it/ well meaning adults telling them that it's normal 'they struggle to do X as she is a girl' etc....
unfortunately, the society as a whole is quite heavy on boy/girl distinction and I always have felt I needed to push strongly the other way to compensate iyswim

Encourage, yes. Impose, NO.

While I totally see where you are coming from, it's utterly pointless falling out with DMIL over or giving your DD the faintest inkling you disapprove if pink and glitter.

They will both rebel and it will not end well.

You can control what you buy your DD and the choices of clothes you offer in the shop, but trying control family gifts is a minefield.

The best thing about having girls is that they will happily run round with a Neff gun in a pink frilly Tutu. You're as likely to step on a toy car as a pot of nail vanish on our bedroom floors.

On Sat mornings DD2 would be in a ballet leotard and on Tuesdays and Wednesdays covered in mud from hockey and rugby.

Read the thread about boys in school choirs, as your friends with DSs if they'd be caught dead at ballet.

Yes boys do music, gymnastics and ballet, but IME only those who are really really good. Boys don't do these things just for fun, they'd get teased. Lots of girls play football and tag rugby for a laugh.

I went to study physics, no one said a negative word. I bet they did to a boy wanting to do a nursing degree (sadly I bet they still do). Male MEs and HVs raise eyebrows, Female Gps don't.

Girls can choose to follow a subset of societies conventions that suits them. Boys have to be very tough to do the same.

At that age what is the difference between encouraging and imposing?
Is saying 'No pink crap' in my house imposing that idea? Just as would be 'no guns' in my house?
Imposing would be stopping her playing with that when out at a friend's house or at a playgroup.
At home? 'My house, my choice' sounds good to me.

Home should be a sanctuary from all that sort of pressure and if the OP thinks that item is likely to encourage her in a direction that might not be suitable, then there is no reason why she should accept it.

Star are you saying that girls have it easier than boys?