Dh hurt dd

[Hotcoffeeburn]

I have namechanged.

I am so upset. Got in tonight and dd who is 12 asked could she make a hot drink for herself. She is 12 and we have a tassimo hot drink maker, she has used it before to make hot choc and is very careful.

She decided to try and make a coffee first for me without saying and used a too small cup and it overflowed a little bit but not too much then she started making her drink. For some reason dh had a go at her for using the wrong cup, they were both standing by the sink, he picked up another cup and not seeing it was dirty started to pour the coffee into it-I said to him "oh no that's a dirty cup!" And he promptly threw it into the sink splashing dd with really hot coffee. She screamed and burst into tears and he shouted again that it wasn't that hot.

I have changed her top and put cold water on her tummy, she is very tearful but ok now. Dh is being really, really grumpy, doesn't think he did anything wrong and I am really upset.

Feel like telling him to just go actually. Really can't stand the sight of him

Aibu?

By "this happens all the time" I mean, people post here all the time asking for opinions, that is why talk forums exist.

I agree with Episode. I would actually do a two-step plan: 1, pick a day this weekend when your DM takes the older two and you have the younger two. Have DH go out with a friend.

2, when he comes back a bit more rested and therefore more able to talk, sit down with him and talk about his getting a referral for therapy. It sounds like he needs the support.

(It sounds like you do too, btw.; do you have anyone to talk to? I hope you're okay.)

I live in the South West OP, if you're anywhere round here PM me

So - your DD using the wrong cup and spilling a bit of coffee had your DH so very enraged, he hurled a cup with force? Hardly a major incident, was itz? & knowing he frightened and upset DD, he's blatantly showing he couldn't care less, and its all about him?

He sounds totally unlikeable and I'm thinking perhaps its not the 1st time he's displayed shitty behaviour. No, YANBU at all OP. I hope you can get situation sorted out.

I'm probably not the best to advise; I left my 1st H as he constantly shouted at my eldest daughter. Some friends/relatives said well, he didn't hit her did he? Why throw relationship away? For me that was NOT the point -the only way I can describe it is, he made her shrink into herself. & that in turn, eventually made me dislike him. I feel aggrieved DD had to go through that. I've no regrets re.telling him to fuck off out of our lives, and then throwing him out. See how he liked being made to feel small.

Hope your DD is ok. Good luck

my initial reaction to your post is that he was totally out of order (that can happen to us all at times) however the very odd part of it for me is that he showed no empathy at all to your dd after hurting her with the coffee and frightening her with his temper. This is the tricky one. Why did he immediately not want to make her feel better and comforted. She was clearly very shaken by his behaviour and to me he sounds like a bully.
Can anyone on here explain why people behave like this.. the lack of empathy / remorse / the not wanting to make sure she was ok??

My ex H used to do this all the time - hurt one of us unintentionally and if i said "ouch" or "wtf" he would go straight into defense mode and quite angrily go into a mode of "i didnt mean to do it / why you complaining when it was an accident" etc" and then stomp off - never ever apologised - just expected it to be forgotten about. This was the thing with him that i never understood. And this is the bit that is striking a cord with me in all of this. Coupled with being very heavy handed with the dc's and downright spiteful in his response to op over going to the toilet.

Something def up here in my opinion - its not normal regardless of other stresses and i bet it feels just rotten and like the rug is being pulled from under you op. Listen to your gut. But remember even if you did decide that you wanted him to leave he is unlikely to just say "ok il go". Talk to someone in RL about this and get some support.

Sounds like a very tough situation you are in and sympathise with you wholeheartedly.

Husbands and fathers have breaking points as well.

what morloth said.

many times the op has said its out of character he is ill they bothhave a lot on their plates

Obviously we can't know situation fully. However OP says he hss been shouty before and also heavyhanded re. DCs discipline.

I'm suspecting OP has more to contend with than the current incident. & I'm very mindful of DCs in this kind of situation. I can see no reason why H's feelings would be a priority here, above those of DDs and OP. Children do think & feel too and I'd be more concerned about OP & DCs than H,tbh. I don't feel his behaviour is acceptable or excusable in any way at all, including his 'so what' attitude towards DD & OP; we all havr bad moments from time to time but that doesn't mean we don't know when we're just wrong, and upsetting others and minimising their feelings. Its not on.

Hope you're all ok OP and can find a way forward

I've suffered from bad chest infections all my life and have had some antibiotics which have made me feel truly awful, some have genuinely affected my character leaving me irritable and anxious, I'm fairly sure my GP has noted this as an adverse reaction to them so this could be a possibility?

It does sound a deeper issue though, like you DH has hit the wall so to speak. Would it be possible for you to give him a few 'quiet' hours where he could wind down and maybe get some recuperative rest (appreciate its very hard for you too with DCs). It can be harder to shake frayed tempers when you feel really lousy.

Hopefully your DH will be back to his more reasonable self when he's had chance to physically recover.

Caught up on the whole thread this morning - it sounds like you're both at breaking point tbh, you both need some rest and some respite and I think your husband really needs to see the dr about how he is feeling (being ill himself at the mo is probably the final straw for him).

Lots of good advice and suggestions from posters, hope you're feeling better today and hope you're husband is feeling better too - I suspect he does feel shit about it all, and now is the time for an honest heart to heart with him about how you two are coping and feeling, not just the kids.

Things are a bit better now although the day started horrendously when dh shouted at me as I'd put chocolate on the tree (dairy free ones that ds1 and 2 could have as they have allergies and usually miss out) I'd put them on last night.

Dd2 saw them when she got up and went into meltdown and dh called me a selfish bitch for not considering dd and how unfair it was on her.when I pointed out that ds has always missed out and never complained it made it worse.

To be fair allergies and health problems aside I can imagine even if dcs were all healthy and I put up tree chocs one of them would have a tantrum and want them all. I can't win.

Dh was off all morning due to ds Xmas concert and afterwards he said that he is sorry that he feels so unwell and tired and is just overwhelmed. He had dropped dd at pre school (which is never straightforward) and I think he appreiciates a bit of what I go through daily now. He is going to the dr tonight and he does seem sorry today but I told him nothing to be sorry for that we just need to get him well again and try to make the best of things.

I'd point out that maybe he should speak to 12 yo DD and apologise for losing his temper last night. - nicely of course. She's old enough to understand that Dad isn't feeling well atm, but it doesn't make his behaviour right and he's sorry for making her cry.
Glad things are a bit better and that he's going to dr's today

I haven't posted on this thread until now, but have read it all and I'm so pleased about the final paragraph of your update this morning. What a change from your early posts, when you were talking about telling him to leave! I think you are right to prioritise his health, both mental and physical, because when he's feeling better the whole family will benefit.

If you had told him to leave, I think that the consequences would have been appalling for all of you. Your husband did not deliberately harm your daughter and despite behaving badly, I think that few people can honestly say that their behaviour has been perfect when they have been feeling very ill for a long time and at the end of their tether with stress. That's when you need the love and support of your family to get better. Everyone benefits then.

DH called you a selfish bithc this morning in front of your children, and you said 'nothing to be sorry for'?

I am sorry but I am simply not getting that AT ALL

Why can't DD have the chocolates?

"Don't think dh would allow respite for dd2 he is almost fixated on caring for her and does not trust others. It's v difficult."

sorry op but you have to tell dh that you both need help.
so you will take whatever help and respite you can get. for everyone's sake you him the otehr DC and for your dd2.

you ahave to learn to trust others to care for your child or you will all burn out.

if dd2 needs a trained nurse you can ask fo that. you can get direct payments or agency. you need to get a carer s assessment from ss .
in meantime your dh needs to go to gp and ask for some cbt type help with his anxieties.

in meantime sit and decide together what is strategy if you or him feel bad - ie rules dont call each otehr names,
go out take a walk etc.

He said it to me in the kitchen, dcs didn't hear luckily. I let it go as didn't want to inflame the situation.

Dd wanted the chocs as soon as she saw them but she's diabetic so couldn't (she had already had a small advent chocolate). I'm trying to find the right balance between sparing dds feelings and still allowing other dcs to have things they like and its so so difficult as they all have different needs.

OP you need a medal. And am I right that you're exclusively BFing through all this??

Not exclusively, ds2 is 1 but bf a lot as has cmp allergy and won't drink any other milk substitute.

Any chance he is taking a medicine which contains pseudoephedrine? (ie lemsip, Sudafed for example) for his chest? Both myself and my father are unable to take these medicines as they cause a complete character change in us including being irrationally angry and aggressive when we are both normally extremely calm. Just a thought.

OP you mention that your dd is diabetic- have you considered asking your diabetes specialist team for an insulin pump? That way your dd can more or less eat what she likes within reason and also (once you have mastered it) will make managing her diabetes a lot easier. My dd is diabetic and the pump revolutionised our lives. It may just be one small change that goes towards making you and your dh's lives a bit easier.

Yes, he has been taking lemsip. Had no idea it could do that !

Not sure about a pump, we've considered it but would have to change hospitals to get one. Might have another think about it.

"he does seem sorry today but I told him nothing to be sorry for that we just need to get him well again and try to make the best of things."

Just wanted to say I understand why you said that. I think you were smart and kind to keep the focus on his going to the doctor and getting the help he needs. (Of course you don't want to make a pattern out of his blowing up and you excusing it, but you won't do that.) I hope it gets better for you both soon

It sounds like an accident, not that he intentionally tried to burn her but he still should have apologised to her and it would worry me that he didn't show more concern that it might have been hotter than he thought .

Dh went for a walk last night quite late, I didn't say anything as think he needed to just get out for a bit. Trying to tread carefully.

Dd didn't want to go home after school and was tearful but dh was lovely to her and things seem a lot better. It is obviously going to take a while but we are all trying.