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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hurt dd

176 replies

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 19:32

I have namechanged.

I am so upset. Got in tonight and dd who is 12 asked could she make a hot drink for herself. She is 12 and we have a tassimo hot drink maker, she has used it before to make hot choc and is very careful.

She decided to try and make a coffee first for me without saying and used a too small cup and it overflowed a little bit but not too much then she started making her drink. For some reason dh had a go at her for using the wrong cup, they were both standing by the sink, he picked up another cup and not seeing it was dirty started to pour the coffee into it-I said to him "oh no that's a dirty cup!" And he promptly threw it into the sink splashing dd with really hot coffee. She screamed and burst into tears and he shouted again that it wasn't that hot.

I have changed her top and put cold water on her tummy, she is very tearful but ok now. Dh is being really, really grumpy, doesn't think he did anything wrong and I am really upset.

Feel like telling him to just go actually. Really can't stand the sight of him

Aibu?

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 20:09

Has he gone to sleep? If not I'd put my head in and ask if he is ok and say that you'll have a talk later when the kids are in bed. Don't make it an accusation, just that you are concerned that something is wrong. I hope you get to the bottom of whatever is going on and that you sort it out Flowers

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 20:10

Why don't you talk to him?

Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:11

No, he's usually quite calm and it takes a LOT for him to lose his temper. Apart from today.

He seemed a bit agitated with dcs on the way home tonight as they were all talking/singing/crying/fighting in car. He's never usually like this.

OP posts:
DoItTooBabyJesus · 03/12/2013 20:11

You are right. Something IS wrong. This is not ok OP, no matter what's happened today, you know that, right?

Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:12

Will try when dcs are asleep.

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 03/12/2013 20:12

OP unless you think he is out of control I don't think asking him to leave will help. It will just escalate.

Plus if he normally doesn't behave like this aren't you asking why? Maybe if he is ill his medication is making him act out?

Maybe he lost his job today or his best friend died and he feels like shit? If he is acting out maybe talk to him?

It all sounds very dramatic....

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 20:14

I wondered about losing his job. Is that a possibility?

RevoltingPeasant · 03/12/2013 20:15

Xpost

OP please don't ask him to leave as this is obviously a one off. How many women have we seen on here feeling awful at they way they've behaved because of the Mirena or something? Imagine if their Hs told them to leave?

Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:16

He has had a chest infection but don't think anti b and painkillers would make him angry?? It hasn't had that effect before.

I will try and ask him later unless he's asleep. He just seemed so agitated tonight and short tempered with dcs.

OP posts:
FetaCheeny · 03/12/2013 20:17

I think if this is an isolated incident you have over reacted and made far too much fuss of your dd. He is probably pissed off that you react like this. Your daughter is 12 not 5, at that age I wouldn't have needed cuddling and all this fuss over a splash of coffee. He was in the wrong to start with and should still have apologised to her though.

OvaryAction · 03/12/2013 20:18

If you find that something has happened, try not to let that be an excuse for his actions. Many parents will face unpleasant, stressful or upsetting situations and will still be able to avoid taking it out on their kids.

Also upthread you have said it is normal for his discipline of your DC's to be heavy handed, that he forcibly moves them from one room to another and shouts quite badly. So he can't be all that calm usually?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 20:18

If this is out of character, then a gentle chat is probably in order to work out whats wrong, controlled people dont normally just lose it without reason.

Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:18

Don't think it would be his job but obviously I will ask. I'd have thought he would have just told me if that had happened.

He seems more like he's just had enough. He snapped at me when we first got in and I said I was just popping to the toilet quickly and he said no he wouldn't watch dcs as "that's what you should do in the day not when I'm here" which was strange and out of character.

OP posts:
thebody · 03/12/2013 20:20

ohForFoxSake so sorry at your post. childhood should be a happy time.

op if this is completely out of character I personally would leave him to it but phone either a close family member, one he trusts and respects and ask them to come over to speak to him/ stay with you and see if he calms down.

I don't like the sound of this at all although you did say in an earlier post ( I think) that he had dragged ds up to bed on a previous occasion.

mrsjay · 03/12/2013 20:20

he sounds a bad tempered git we all get angry sometimes but he threw a tantrum and his daughter was hurt I dont think he meant for her to get hurt though , talk to him is he always so moody like that,

Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 20:22

Why would he need to watch the DCs while you go to the toilet? DD is 12!

Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:22

It is only occasionally that his discipline is heavy handed as luckily dcs are usually good but if they really play up for a prolonged time he will shout and take ds for example upstairs forcibly. I ask him not to but its a rare occurrence and not on the same level as today. He seemed really out of control this evening especially the smacking as we never smack dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:23

Have other dcs too not just 12 y o .

OP posts:
ShylaMcClaus · 03/12/2013 20:24

I don't think it was an accident in that he had could have tried to control his temper and didn't. His show of anger was more important to him than the desire to keep others safe.

His lack of reaction after the event is terrible.

LEMisafucker · 03/12/2013 20:25

So im a bit confused, did he smack her? I thought he just threw coffee into the sink and it splashed back at her?

Also - WHY did you have to ask permission to go to the toilet and wtaf would it be a problem?

ShylaMcClaus · 03/12/2013 20:25

By that I mean that I agree with pp. Something is wrong. So sorry, OP. Hope you all manage to resolve this.

thebody · 03/12/2013 20:26

Feta I imagine the dd was upset at him throwing the cup into the sink and shouting for no reason rather than the spilt coffee on her.

my dds of 13 and 14 would be terrified if my dh did this.

we don't act like that.

mrsjay · 03/12/2013 20:26

when did he smack her

RevoltingPeasant · 03/12/2013 20:26

Hmmm OP not trying to have a pop but must say I agree with feta.

Tbh I wonder if you "protecting" her so much made him feel awful and embarrassed and gruff, like he couldn't apologise iyswim?

LunaticFringe · 03/12/2013 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.