Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Dh hurt dd

176 replies

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 19:32

I have namechanged.

I am so upset. Got in tonight and dd who is 12 asked could she make a hot drink for herself. She is 12 and we have a tassimo hot drink maker, she has used it before to make hot choc and is very careful.

She decided to try and make a coffee first for me without saying and used a too small cup and it overflowed a little bit but not too much then she started making her drink. For some reason dh had a go at her for using the wrong cup, they were both standing by the sink, he picked up another cup and not seeing it was dirty started to pour the coffee into it-I said to him "oh no that's a dirty cup!" And he promptly threw it into the sink splashing dd with really hot coffee. She screamed and burst into tears and he shouted again that it wasn't that hot.

I have changed her top and put cold water on her tummy, she is very tearful but ok now. Dh is being really, really grumpy, doesn't think he did anything wrong and I am really upset.

Feel like telling him to just go actually. Really can't stand the sight of him

Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 21:20

No, I don't, I suppose that's a fair point and I'm not happy at all at how he has been with dcs tonight.

He does need to go to the dr again as his chest is worse not better and that's obviously clouding his judgement and making him behave differently to usual.

Don't know what else to suggest to him as problems with dcs and tiredness are ongoing, not sure what I can do.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/12/2013 21:21

OvaryAction - I think your own past is clouding your judgement on this thread. I'm sorry you have been through so much, but it's not fair to liken your parents to the OP and her DH.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 03/12/2013 21:21

I stated what I thought. Doesn't matter what you think. Might give the OP something to think about though.

OP don't take anymore crap off him. If he is ill, sort it out. If he is annoyed you are ill, he has to deal with it. Moaning about the kids, tough, they are here now and you have to get on with it.

Original poster

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 21:23

The thing is we can't get a break from all of dcs. Older 2 are quite good and although DM would possibly have them at the weekend for a bit tbh they are not really the ones who cause 'problems' they have additional needs but they are most of the time manageable.

Dd2 needs a high level of care and only dh and I currently can do all this for her and the baby is still bf. if we want a break it would be separately. Maybe I should suggest dh does something at weekend to relax a bit and I will have dcs.

OP posts:

OvaryAction · 03/12/2013 21:26

Chipping do you not think that counselling is a good idea for someone whose mental health issues has resulted in increased anger and violence?

OvaryAction · 03/12/2013 21:27

You seem to think a spa break and a nice meal out will fix everything

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/12/2013 21:28

Would your DM have the older two for the weekend? Could you get respite for DD2? The just have the baby for the weekend?

You need help x

Please be wary of suggesting DH does something at the weekend which means YOU taking on more of the parenting & house stuff - you need to be looked after too!

Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 21:30

He should go to the doctor and get his cough sorted out. Baking in the middle of the night sounds like me getting up and knitting (which I've done every night for the last fortnight - can't sleep, too much buzzing in my head). He needs a break, so do you. Can you either go away seperately or get someone to babysit while you have a night away together. Young children are wearing, being ill makes it worse. Relaxing away from the kids for a night or two works wonders (or it does for me anyway)

softlysoftly · 03/12/2013 21:31

I think he could very easily be heading into depression.

It's a 1 off, let it go but do make him see his gp.

If it becomes more than a 1 off and he doesn't perk up or seek help then rethink.

Ovary this is the first time in maybe over 12 years he has acted nastily. And even this isn't extreme. You are overreacting sorry.

Original poster

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 21:32

DM might have older two although there are a few issues there in that she helps sometimes but makes me feel guilty for it.

Don't think dh would allow respite for dd2 he is almost fixated on caring for her and does not trust others. It's v difficult.

OP posts:

Corygal · 03/12/2013 21:34

Your DH is ill, overworked and seriously stressed. That might be worth paying attention to. He needs to get pills pronto for his chest. As to the rest, if you can't or don't want to support him, suggest he seeks counselling.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/12/2013 21:36

Ovary - I don't think telling someone to 'go and get some counselling' is a solution, no. Not ever. Even if they would benefit from it, telling them to go and get some is not the right way to go about it.

I don't even think he needs 'counselling'. I think he (they) needs help with the children, meds to clear up his chest infection, some sleep and some respite from it all. He is working full time, he has a wife he worries about, 4 children who have varying degrees of special needs and some high demands and he is tired. Of course he's going to snap from time to time and sending him to have a chat with a counsellor is not going to change any of that.

I do think some time 'out' for both of them would help, I think they need a break. More than one. Caring for 4 children with additional needs is hard work and would bring most of us to our knees.

Episode · 03/12/2013 21:39

I never usually comment on these kind of threads but OP you posting this in the first place seems like a case of reading too much mumsnet! YAB(ridiculously)U!!!! It was an accident and all these he must have anger issue posts are giving me a right laugh! Seriously people, are there not issues in the world that seriously need addressing? Please don't tell complete strangers that they are living with abusive partners because of throwing a mug INTO A SINK because their pissed off. OP use your own mind fgs....

OvaryAction · 03/12/2013 21:39

No it isn't, the OP has said that in the past he has dragged their DS upstairs and shouts at the children 'quite badly'

If a woman was posting that her OH was aggressive towards her occasionally and the extent to which he was aggressive was escalating then people would be advising her to LTB.

I am suggesting that the OP's H needs to address his deteriorating mental health as it is clearly affecting his ability to cope with the stresses of his everyday life. That's not overreacting, it's sound advice I would give to anyone who was depressed.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/12/2013 21:40

'DH would not allow respite for DD2' ?? Don't ask, tell him it's happening - or else and definitely do not be offering to do more at the weekends so he can have a break if you don't have a break in sight!!

I'm sorry that your Mum is adding to your difficult situation :(

Episode · 03/12/2013 21:42

Dragged or physically taken a child to bed because they are not doing as they're told?

I have physically exerted my wishes on my children (I'm not a fan of asking the same bloody thing 5 times). I don't think that's reason to suggest abusive tendencies!

Gosh ladies, look for problems where they actually exist.

Ragusa · 03/12/2013 21:45

Ok, well, you clearly both have huge amount on your plates.

Does your DH have a sympathetic employer? Because he shouldn't be at work in his condition. And you neec him better to do his bit.

Could you contact Homestart through your HV?

MrsDavidBowie · 03/12/2013 21:48

Your dh sounds as if he needs to visit the dr. My dh was similar last year, and now takes medication...he is a different man.

I am the stressy anxious one now, but that's the menopause.

Original poster

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 21:50

DM is ok sometimes and has been helping with older two more recently but constantly reminds me of it all the time.

I think dh just worries about dd2 and assumes that only we could care for her properly. I have asked DM to learn how to do more for dd2 to help us but she is reluctant (despite being a first aider and working with children) but that's her right I suppose to not want to do it as its quite invasive.

I do get depressed but have been feeling a lot more on top of things since starting anti d recently and also taking something for pmt. I know dh would probably benefit from time away from dcs but I would struggle on my own with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 21:50

No homestart where we live.

OP posts:

Episode · 03/12/2013 21:50

And having read more of the post a break and some mutual support seem to be the right solution. Life does seem difficult for you OP and and i genuinely sympathise. What you have said about your DH further along the thread suggests he is a good father and the stresses of your everyday lives mixed with illness have gotten on top of him. It's obviously easier said than done but can you allow him a one night break perhaps when the older two are with your mum? A pressure cooker only tires everyone and him being there sick probably doesn't help your energy levels either!

SolomanDaisy · 03/12/2013 21:54

You're both very stressed and it's understandable with the amount you have to cope with with your DC s. You're a very recognisable poster and your DH was never going to win husband and father of the year, was he? It sounds as if you're both depressed tbh.

KeatsiePie · 03/12/2013 21:54

I don't mean to be rude, but why on earth are people criticizing the OP for posting? This happens all the time on MN -- a poster's DH (or DW) does something that is out of character and worrying, poster asks for opinions on what to do. More often in Relationships, but it is quite normal to ask. Perhaps you only ever ask people in real life for opinions? Or perhaps you never ever have a moment when you're not 100% sure what to do? Ffs., people are acting like she's posted something stupid like "House is on fire, should I telephone for help or just carry on MNing?"

OP I'm sorry, I do know what it is like to have your partner's behavior change suddenly for the worse. It is really confusing and it's hard to know how to react.

Can you insist that he goes back to the GP for his cough and that while he is there he asks for a therapist referral? He can't go on being miserable, it's bad for everyone.

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 21:58

DD2 has SN, OP? High care needs? TBH with 2 elder kids, a bf tiny ds, a demanding job, and an illness I'm not surprised he's feeling at the end of his rope. You neither.

Is there really no respite care available/possible from any charities? You do sound like you are both at breaking point and a bit more rest and a little less responsibility might be invaluable.

fluffyraggies · 03/12/2013 21:58

:(
I feel for both of you.

I too think this sounds as if he is heading into depression.

I want to echo what chipping said: I think he (they) needs help with the children, meds to clear up his chest infection, some sleep and some respite from it all. He is working full time, he has a wife he worries about, 4 children who have varying degrees of special needs and some high demands and he is tired.

All of this is spot on.

First things first - short term illnesses sorted out. Chest infections can be so waring and exhausting. Illness and tiredness magnifies even the smallest problems to huge proportions.

Sleep - so important. Maybe go to your GP together and ask about this too, in relation to stress.

Keep talking with your DH OP, and maybe mention some of the good advice on this thread re, positive steps.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8