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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hurt dd

176 replies

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 19:32

I have namechanged.

I am so upset. Got in tonight and dd who is 12 asked could she make a hot drink for herself. She is 12 and we have a tassimo hot drink maker, she has used it before to make hot choc and is very careful.

She decided to try and make a coffee first for me without saying and used a too small cup and it overflowed a little bit but not too much then she started making her drink. For some reason dh had a go at her for using the wrong cup, they were both standing by the sink, he picked up another cup and not seeing it was dirty started to pour the coffee into it-I said to him "oh no that's a dirty cup!" And he promptly threw it into the sink splashing dd with really hot coffee. She screamed and burst into tears and he shouted again that it wasn't that hot.

I have changed her top and put cold water on her tummy, she is very tearful but ok now. Dh is being really, really grumpy, doesn't think he did anything wrong and I am really upset.

Feel like telling him to just go actually. Really can't stand the sight of him

Aibu?

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 03/12/2013 19:44

He should have been the one apologising, putting cold water on and cuddling her.

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 19:45

I am amazed at all these paragons of virtue. Has no one really thrown any thing in anger or slammed a door etc? Unless there is a backstory I think there are huge over reactions here.

He's should apologise for unintentionally hurting her. That should be the end of the matter.

rpitchfo · 03/12/2013 19:45

See what happens when he has calmed down...give him the chance to apologize.

FridgePervert · 03/12/2013 19:48

I know where you're coming from. Probably not so much the throwing of the cup but the reaction afterwards.
You would of expected him to apologise immediately after hurting DD (as any decent human being would) but he didn't.

OvaryAction · 03/12/2013 19:48

I'd want him to give DD a sincere apology and seek counselling for his obvious anger issues. If he wasn't willing to accept that his behaviour was OTT and dangerous then I would kick him out*

Your DD accidentally used the wrong cup ffs, telling her off in the first place would be overreacting, let alone shouting at her twice, throwing hot coffee around like a lunatic and then showing no remorse for scalding her.

*Disclaimer, I had a dad who had a similar 'parenting style' and it's likely I'm more sensitive to this sort of thing. It did ruin my relationship with him, and with my mum who never challenged him or stuck up for me, until I was an adult and didn't have to be afraid of him anymore.

caruthers · 03/12/2013 19:48

It sounds like an accident but the consequences of losing his temper are that your daughter was hurt and he should apologise to her for that.

Buy asking him to leave doesn't exactly give him much security in the relationship or indeed his life.

Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 19:49

He hasn't apologised and has also smacked ds for misbehaving. Something is wrong.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 03/12/2013 19:49

I think he has temper issues. In a flash of bad temper you don't think straight. (i know because i used to have an awful temper in my teens and 20s, till i aged and mellowed - you just see red for a few seconds)

So ... he lost his temper and threw the cup. I don't think he meant to hurt DD. He needs help to sort the temper out though.

I would be more concerned about how long it's takeing him to appollogise to her.

thebody · 03/12/2013 19:49

no never felt the need to throw cups around and if dh is angry he goes outside to calm down.

my dad was a violent man, now much mellowed with age, but the fear if seeing an adult out of control and smashing things or running to hit you makes you understand just how dangerous temper can be.

tantrums are for toddlers not adults!

Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 19:50

Will be back later

OP posts:
rpitchfo · 03/12/2013 19:50

If this is his first indiscretion, and you are otherwise happy in your relationship and you're thinking about asking him to leave for throwing a cup in a sink (did the cup even break?) and causing an accident no wonder he is stressed.

sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 19:50

So he's not sorry he hurt your dd and is now hurting your other child. Be careful OP.

BuzzardBird · 03/12/2013 19:51

So now he "smacked ds"? Surely that is the reason to make him leave, not the accident with the coffee? Confused

Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 19:51

What Bowlersarm said.
People on AIBU do sometimes jump to the most extreme conclusions, given very basic facts. He lost his temper (I've done that), he threw something at something inanimate (I've done that too), he accidently hurt his child (yep, guess what...) and then I've cooled down and apologised. Yes, he might have apologised immediately. Seriously, the fact that there is no mark at all, suggests to me at least that DD just might have over reacted as well, possibly not liking that DF shouted at her. If the coffee had burnt her, quick action by applying cold water might stop blistering, but not stop any redness at all.

caruthers · 03/12/2013 19:52

That much drama at home and still posting on an online forum?

Shouldn't you be addressing the RL issues right now?

thebody · 03/12/2013 19:53

sparkly agree. take care op.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 19:53

I grew up with a Dad like this.

I remember being about 14 and putting a tub of ice cream in the microwave for 10 seconds to defrost enough for me to dish some up for both him and I. He had broken his leg and was on crutches. Probably not my finest moment tbh.

When he heard the ping of the microwave he flew through and tried to corner me, I ran but not before he managed to smack me full whack across the hip with his crutch. He was absolutely livid.

Mum took his side. Always did. It was my fault for getting him angry.

Consequently I absolutely hated my father even after I left home at 23. We get on far better now (in fact in many ways I get on better with him than I do my Mum) and I actually love him to bits. He only really realised how much I hated him and how scared I was of him when I was growing up years later when he snapped at me the way he usually did when I was in trouble. DH and I were married by then, but it took me back to being a child and I crumbled into a tearful, quivering wreck. I was back to being scared of him. I couldn't stop shaking.

He was so ashamed that he cried.

Don't let your DD have the same relationship with her dad as I did with mine. So many wasted years, so many years of being truly frightened about him coming home (I'd always be the one who bore the brunt of his moods and mum would always back him up).

It is not acceptable to make a child feel frightened AT ALL. If this is a one off you have to nip it in the bud. If it has become a more regular occurrence please do what is right for your DD Sad

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 19:55

Please be careful OP Sad

formerbabe · 03/12/2013 19:56

If this is a regular thing, then I would be very worried.

If this is a one off, you all need some space and a big deep breath.

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 19:57

Any idiot knows you don't throw boiling hot liquids about when anyone is standing close, and as for your child? And not to apologise and comfort? Hmm

YANBU. I'd be livid. Temper tantrums involving boiling liquids aren't "accidents" when someone is hurt. It's reckless, and it's forseeable.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/12/2013 19:57

It was an accident, yes but your dh shouldn't have lost his temper and the fact that he's not comforting her but gone of in a huff is the problem here.
Any decent parent would have felt guilty and apologised profusely.

ExcuseTypos · 03/12/2013 19:59

Gosh, I was going to say, if he's not done anything like this before then I would be quite forgiving. But he hasn't even apologised to his dd and has now hit dsSad

I'd ask him to leave the house tonight and talk about things when he's calmed down.

lunar1 · 03/12/2013 20:02

Please be careful op, let him calm down.

Original poster
Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:05

Dh has gone to bed.

Dd and ds are eating candy canes and decorating the tree with tree chocs as both were still upset.

I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. Dh has never ever been like this before. Something must have happened today.

OP posts:
OvaryAction · 03/12/2013 20:08

Does he often create an unpleasant atmosphere with his moods?