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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh hurt dd

176 replies

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 19:32

I have namechanged.

I am so upset. Got in tonight and dd who is 12 asked could she make a hot drink for herself. She is 12 and we have a tassimo hot drink maker, she has used it before to make hot choc and is very careful.

She decided to try and make a coffee first for me without saying and used a too small cup and it overflowed a little bit but not too much then she started making her drink. For some reason dh had a go at her for using the wrong cup, they were both standing by the sink, he picked up another cup and not seeing it was dirty started to pour the coffee into it-I said to him "oh no that's a dirty cup!" And he promptly threw it into the sink splashing dd with really hot coffee. She screamed and burst into tears and he shouted again that it wasn't that hot.

I have changed her top and put cold water on her tummy, she is very tearful but ok now. Dh is being really, really grumpy, doesn't think he did anything wrong and I am really upset.

Feel like telling him to just go actually. Really can't stand the sight of him

Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:48

She probably would, never has but she is incredibly 'opinionated'. Knows my usual name as was over my shoulder one day as I was on here.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 03/12/2013 20:48

i DONT THINK IT MATTERS WHY THE POSTER NAMECHANGED IT DOES NOT REALLY ADD TO ANYTHING IF SHE TOLD US HER USUAL NAME,

mrsjay · 03/12/2013 20:49

sorry caps locked i wasnt shouting

Original poster

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 20:50

No, he doesn't smoke.

OP posts:

softlysoftly · 03/12/2013 20:50

I bodily pick DD1 (4) up and carry her upstairs if she's mucking about not really sure that's heavy handed. The coffee was anger but he didn't hurt your dd as you put it. The smacking was not ok but again a 1 off says to me there is more going on here.

Yabu to kick him out over 1 night and a little melodramatic I have to say, babying dd over a bit of a splash?

You need however to get to why he's being a git and he needs to say sorry.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 03/12/2013 20:50

It sounds like it was an accident. The issue is his actions afterwards. No apparent concern for your child and his attitude afterwards was disgusting. It might not have been hot to him but on a young child's skin it would have felt hotter to her. If he was a decent person he would have been devastated to have hurt his daughter and not tried to minimise it. He appears to have anger management issues.

womblesofwestminster · 03/12/2013 20:53

Have you spoke to him yet?

Noctilucent · 03/12/2013 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOneWithTheHair · 03/12/2013 20:55

While the incidents with your dcs are distressing, if it is true that he is behaving completely out of character, you should find out why before you pass judgement. It may be that anxiety over something has made him lash out (which of course is not acceptable) and he may not be being just a cunt.

softlysoftly · 03/12/2013 20:55

Bloody hell she hasn't "been burned" the op already said it's not even red!

fluffyraggies · 03/12/2013 20:56

OP you know your DH better than anyone here can - even if you posted 100 posts about him tonight.

It sounds as though you feel this is out of character. That' more important than trying to convince us that it is. Or asking us if it is.

Have some confidence in your knowledge of your DH. Once the kids are settled/asleep go and see if he wants a cupper (excuse to go in and see if he's awake) and have a heart to heart with the guy.

If it was my DH behaving out of character like this i would be worried about him, not cross so much.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/12/2013 20:57

Of course it does MrsJay - overtime you build up a background of some regular posters. It would mean if I recognised her I'd have a 'feeling' for whether she was prone to covering for her DH's anger or if if hasn't come across as an angry person in the past etc. Perhaphs even how ill he has been - all kinds of things come into play and the more you know, the better the advice you can give.

Not to mention that it was a question I asked the OP, not a something I was asking other posters for opinions on.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 03/12/2013 20:59

He throws a temper tantrum which results in him hurting his daughter.
He hits his son for pushing his daughter.
You are only allowed to go to the toilet while he is at work.
You are making excuses for him by saying something must have happened to make him angry.
He has chosen to take his anger out on his children.

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 21:03

Over dramatic much Toffee

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 21:04

Have you talked to him yet, OP?

Ragusa · 03/12/2013 21:04

It sounds a bit like it might be something phyical going on with him. Almost like he is having a hypo(glycaemic) epidode or something.

I think this can be triggered by infections sometimes. Anyways, might be completely wrong but worth checking, specially if he has gone tk bed uncharactetistically early.....

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/12/2013 21:07

Or...

He threw something which splashed his DD who got a fright (not hurt)

He smacked his DS for pushing his baby sister (and...? People smack, whether MN likes it or not, people smack & it's not the end of the world)

He made an odd comment, one he has never made before, when she said she was going upstairs - maybe he misheard what she was going to do up there - who knows. But hardly the end of the world.

He is uncharacteristically snappy & angry - so of course she is wondering what has happened to make him like this - what's your point?

'He has chosen to take his anger out on his children' - he was less patient that normal & desirable - who hasn't been??

CommanderShepard · 03/12/2013 21:07

Could the 12 year old not have watched the younger ones?

Corygal · 03/12/2013 21:09

Overreacting is easy when you've had a shock. But those coffee machines don't use boiiing water, not by a long way, so teen DD can't have been hurt or burned. She isn't a newborn.

She might have been shocked (a squealy teen, and she screamed) and you rushed to rescue her and prob overdid it because you're cross with DH. She's being rewarded with eating sweets now, so you're reinforcing the idea that it's ok to shriek at tiny things, incidentally.

But calm down. DH is tired and ill and, with a chest infection, should prob be in bed himself.

If you really want him out of the house, take responsibility for it - pretending he's somehow violent is unpleasant at best, ludicrous at worst.

intitgrand · 03/12/2013 21:09

If he has never shown aggressive tendencies before , then I think he just threw the coffee into the sink without considering it would splash back.He was probably horrified at your DD getting burned and then you (naturally) feeling protective of your DD and implying he had done it on purpose probably made him even more angry.I think it is good that he recognised he was angry and removed himself from the situation.

Morloth · 03/12/2013 21:10

As an isolated afternoon of cranky short temperedness I don't think any of what you are describing is a particularly big deal.

The going to the toilet thing would be what pissed me off the most TBH.

IS it an isolated afternoon?

Original poster

Hotcoffeeburn · 03/12/2013 21:12

I have spoken to dh, he came downstairs and sat down. I asked was he ok and he just shrugged his shoulders.

His cough sounds horrendous and he does look exhausted. He said he was tired and felt unwell but has not apologised. I suggested he go for a bath or shower and took some more painkiller, he said he would later. No eye contact at all.

I asked again was he ok and he said no, it is all "too much to cope with" the dcs,work, being unwell, me and my 'depression' or 'pmt' or 'whatever it is'. He told me that everywhere he turns there are children and he can't cope with everything we have to do for them ( they are not very well). He is tired and wants a break.

I had noticed lately that he has been getting up in the early hours and baking. He kept telling me it was just 'something to do' now I wonder it was the beginning of him maybe getting depressed and being ill and tired has brought things to a head today and now I feel bad.

OP posts:

mumofweeboys · 03/12/2013 21:16

It sounds like your dh is thourghly exhausted and snapped. Perhaps you could take to him and suggest you both go to the doctors as sounds like you both need some tlc.

OvaryAction · 03/12/2013 21:17

So tell him to get some counselling. It's not an excuse for hitting, shouting and stropping, you're depressed yourself and don't act like that do you?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/12/2013 21:19

It all sounds very stressful, for both of you :(

At least 4 children, some/all of which aren't very well (and I assume the way you wrote it that this is long term illness not just 'unwell at the minute') and in winter, unless you live in a mansion, it can all get on top of you and feel like there are 'kids and kids crap' everywhere!

He is ill. You are ill. The kids are ill. :(

He needs a break from it and I suspect you do too - is there anyone who could give you both the break you need?

Baking in the middle of the night does sound like quite a desperate 'coping' strategy. Would he go and talk to a Dr?

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