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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To keep unvaccinated step children away from my newborn?

222 replies

sydneycat · 02/12/2013 06:23

Its a bit of a long one but here goes.

I am a step mother to two boys 4 and 6. The 6 year old has autism which my partner attributes to jabs he recieved at 6 months. As a medical professional I know there is no substance to that at all but my partner won't be swayed.
I love both boys very much and am very happy to be a part of their lives. However I am very concerned as both boys are constantly sick with colds and various bugs. We also live in a area with a low vaccination rate. My baby is due to be born in winter and there have been worsening outbreaks of whooping cough.
I am concerned about them spending time with the baby before it has its shots as the baby will have no protection against whooping cough which is highly dangerous and often fatal to very young babies.
My partner is extremely anti vaccine given his eldests autism. I love him and we are extremely happy but I am not happy about putting my baby at this much risk, what is the best way to broach this?

OP posts:
Laurel1979 · 02/12/2013 09:51

I'm not a step parent by the way, and never have been - but just making a casual observation. Much like the constant bitching about MIL's.

I'm not suggesting anything, just agreeing with the OP that I wouldn't want to put my child at needless risk. Obviously access/contact arrangements are between the parents involved, but what a pity the OP should have to worry about this when expecting a baby should be an exciting time, just because of the (in my opinion) stupid decisions that have been previously made about not vaccinating the DSC.

MissPlumBroughtALadder · 02/12/2013 09:53

Are you going to ask all visitors to your home to bring their vaccination documentation with them? As previous posters have iterated you are far more likely to come into contact with a communicable disease from an adult whose vaccination immunity has waned rather than a child.
Also, could you tell us what your profession is? That may inform the discussion as to your level of understanding. I ask because I have had various people describe themselves as medical professionals to me. One, hilariously, was a beautician! When I queried the validity of her statement she said she was a 'skin specialist' as she saw so many women with skin conditions, and she considered herself a medical authority on these Confused

FlipFlippingFlippers · 02/12/2013 09:55

YABU. If you have them 3 nights a week then they should already be part of your family. As a step parent you should know that it's not your place to decided whether they get vaccinated. Babies can catch things from anyone/anywhere. If you are so concerned then book yourself into a hotel or go to your parents when the baby is born. You can't kick children out of their own homes.

Bogeyface · 02/12/2013 10:00

So the falling apart of a family due the alienation of the SC because the OP is paranoid about her PFB is ok Chunderella? Because there is a much higher risk of that happening than the baby either contracting or dying from WC.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/12/2013 10:01

"If you have them 3 nights a week then they should already be part of your family. As a step parent you should know that it's not your place to decided whether they get vaccinated."

That pretty much encapsulates the ridiculous position some people want to put step mother in.

  1. Your step children are YOUR CHILDREN.
  1. You are NOT THEIR PARENT.

If the step-children are just as much a part of her family as her own baby, then she should get a say in whether they are immunised.

If they she gets no say in the matter, and she only gets a say in what happens to her own baby, then she has a right to decide to keep her newborn away from unvaccinated children.

No way would I want unvaccinated children around a newborn for that much of the time.

Are you sure you really want to live with a man who is so completely fucking stupid?

Bogeyface · 02/12/2013 10:01

Also OP, what if you have a child that cant be vaccinated as I did? Will you quarantine this baby from your second child in order to avoid risk? Or will you do what I did and weigh up the real risk of damaging the family against the risk of possibly contracting an illness that we hadnt been exposed to?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/12/2013 10:02

Children that can't be vaccinated are also at risk from parents who refuse to vaccinated their children because they "don't believe in doctors" Hmm

Bogeyface · 02/12/2013 10:06

JoinYourPlayFellows But the baby is her DPs baby too, and if he decides he wants the baby around the SC then he has that right, if you are saying the OP has the right to keep the baby away.

They are a family and sometimes you have to compromise. I had a 6 week old baby in the house when my DS got chicken pox, did I send him away? Of course not! I was just as careful as I could be given that I was taking care of them both 24/7, handwashing, changing clothes etc.

Bogeyface · 02/12/2013 10:08

Well yes Join but calling the man fucking stupid and implying the OP is equally stupid for being with him is hardly helpful is it?

The fact is that he believes vaccination to be connected to his sons Autism, and as such had the right to choose not to risk that happening with his second child. The OP knew this and needs to deal with it in a way that wont alienate his children or him, or her and the baby for that matter.

stripeylion3 · 02/12/2013 10:09

Hi, I think you Are not BU. My partner and I discussed many things before conceiving, whether or not we were on the same page with vacs was not one of them. You could keep the boys away till baby has its shots but you'll have to keep bub away from heavily populated areas as well in that time in order to seem serious about the issue, ie, schools and shops and airports.

It may show the boys mum and dad how their decisions can adversely affect their kids long term. Maybe even get them vaccinated. Would DP be open to current literature?

Bogeyface · 02/12/2013 10:11

Get your kids vaccinated or they cant see their new sibling for several months

Nice bit of blackmail there!

FlipFlippingFlippers · 02/12/2013 10:12

playfellows I am a wicked step mother. I also have 2 younger dd's. That was exactly our situation. Medical decisions are not my business. Am I happy that she's not vaccinated? Of course not. Ultimately tho it's not my place to demand that it's done. Legally I don't get a say. I knew when both my dd's were born there was a risk of being in contact with her but there was also a risk of my kids catching something from anyone who visited. Like missplum said is she going to demand vaccination documents from everyone who visits?! It's understandable she wants to protect her child which is why I suggested a hotel or parents house if it really is such a problem. I don't see why the other children should have to be banned from their own home.

Chunderella · 02/12/2013 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewBlueCoat · 02/12/2013 10:36

Whether the baby was planned or not is not really the point.

If you are in a sexual relationship, and of childbearing age, then a baby is always a possibility. This is an issue that should have been talked about a long time ago, rather than swept under the carpet.

You cannot ban your stepchildren from their home, or from seeing their dad.

It is also worth noting that an unvaccinated child is not a walking germ factory (well, not anymore than any other child!). I have 2 unvaccinated children, and one partially vaccinated child. Of course I worried each time I had a newborn. But dd1 not having completed her jabs did not mean that she would automatically infect any subsequent babies with every illness going.

and dd2 being unvaccinated did not mean that she automatically infected ds when he was born.

the vaccination issue is not black and white. no one has the right to issue ultimatums over vaccination.

out of interest, OP, do you know your own vaccination status? or your DP's? if your DP is not immune, do you plan to keep him away?

fwiw, the closest my children have come to whooping cough was when my uncle had it last year. he did not initially realise it was whooping cough because, as said before, he didn't whoop. it was only when it lingered that his gp suggested whooping cough.

it is not just childrne you need to worry about.

lunar1 · 02/12/2013 10:41

I wouldn't really want un-vaccinated children near either of mine as newborns either. You cannot under any circumstances keep your stepchildren away from their dads home.

How will you resolve the polar opposite views you and your partner have for your own child? You are going to end up splitting up over this, you have fundamentally opposing views on the very basics, I cant really see a way past it unless one of you changes your beliefs.

Bogeyface · 02/12/2013 10:48

Cant a vaccinated person carry the virus anyway? I understood it that protection lessens with time so that a person could contract measles but only very mildly (perhaps not even presenting much in the way of symptoms so may feel a bit rough but not know why) and therefore still be infectious?

Which means that actually, they are no less a risk than an unvaccinated child, perhaps more so as the child who got it would become noticeably ill and could be quarantined but an achey, crappy feeling adult wouldnt.

lottieandmia · 02/12/2013 11:01

I agree with whoever said that this is an issue you will only be able to resolve by talking to your partner. Whatever anyone else says, you won't get any closer to that by posting about it on here imo. I personally think it would be very unfair to make the older two children feel that they've been punished for a decision which they had no part in making. I don't think you can reasonably separate them from their new sibling without causing a great deal of resentment. Consider as well that nobody wears labels that say whether they have been vaccinated or not. So your baby could be exposed to whooping cough anywhere and even by someone who has been vaccinated as vaccines wear off.

lottieandmia · 02/12/2013 11:03

'How will you resolve the polar opposite views you and your partner have for your own child?'

I wondered this...

specialsubject · 02/12/2013 11:03

what a terrible situation. Of course, if your partner 'doesn't believe in doctors' that means if (hope not) your kids need A and E they won't get it, and could die prematurely as a result.

your partner doesn't seem prepared to listen to you at all, even though you are the one with the relevant science and the profession.

vaccination is risk reduction.

good luck. You're going to need it -and so are these kids.

WooWooOwl · 02/12/2013 11:21

If they she gets no say in the matter, and she only gets a say in what happens to her own baby, then she has a right to decide to keep her newborn away from unvaccinated children.

She does have the right to keep her newborn away from unvaccinated children if she so wishes, but that right does not extend to telling her partner that his children cannot come into his home, and it doesn't extend to telling her stepchildren that they are not welcome.

If she wants to keep her baby away from them, then it is her responsibility to remove herself and her baby from the home that her partner has already extended to his children.

Pagwatch · 02/12/2013 11:22

Can everyone lay off the 'fucking stupid' comments aimed at the dad.

We have one line from the op about his not liking doctors, none of which she has either explained or talked about. She has given no indication that she as even discussed this with him.
He has a disabled son. He is not some anti vaccine woo merchant because clearly the son was taken for his vaccination in order for him to breve his on was adversely affected.
So he genuinely fears a link and that colours his decision making.

I am in the same situation and my DD is unvaccinated with the full support and agreement of her GPs. They agree that our history makes her vulnerable.
I am not a 'fucking idiot'. My situation could be stuck in a bingo card OP to present me as a fool but that is not the case and we knw nothing of the father except the drips the op inserted.

And I would like to know what her profession is.

saintlyjimjams · 02/12/2013 11:41

WooWooOwl is correct about 'rights' imo - although the issue may be slightly confused by the father potentially disagreeing.

And agree with pagwatch. Especially as the 'fucking stupid' comments come from people who a) don't realise autism isn't one thing b) know nothing about the role the immune system plays in some autisms and c) seem to be labouring under the mistaken belief that "doctors" actually know something about autism. Oh how I wish that were true - I was told by one locum GP that girls don't get autism Hmm I have occasionally met a doctor who knows about autism (and am delighted every time I do) - one particular paediatrician and neurologist spring to mind, and ime those that actually know something about the biology of the condition are very open minded as to how regression may occur in different cases. They also recognise that actually despite all the bold statements, we're currently guessing. All of us. Including those that "know" it's (what? which type of autism) nothing to do with vaccinations.

lljkk · 02/12/2013 11:45

Sorry you're getting such a hard time, OP. :( :(
I'd be de-reging from MN instantly on back of most of these replies.

Bowlersarm · 02/12/2013 11:52

I don't understand how his vaccinations have caused his autism, yet he hasn't been vaccinated? Is it just DDS2 who hasn't had the vaccination?

I don't see how you are going to realistically keep your baby separate from his/her half brothers in all honesty.

specialsubject · 02/12/2013 12:12

loving all this slagging off of our not-perfect-but-AVAILABLE health service. How very first world.