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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take my daughter to see her biological father?

188 replies

violet1982 · 30/11/2013 18:41

Sorry, this may be a bit long!

I met my ex partner whilst on holiday abroad. We started a holiday romance and eventually I moved over to his country to be with him, I really did love him as I didn't know what he is really like. When I used to visit him for a holiday he was wonderful, really kind and considerate and acted as though he was a lovely guy. After moving over there to be with him, when he realised I had no money he turned into a complete monster. I found out that he is actually a compulsive liar, he cheated on me, plus he took steroids and smoked cannabis permanently - I only found all of this out when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant the abuse got worse, mind games, physical abuse .... at one point he tried to strangle me, my life was a living nightmare. It was only when our baby was born that I realised that I had to move back to the UK as I didn't want our child living in those conditions. When I moved back to the UK I still used to take our baby over to see him on a regular basis. After a few years I met another man, we are now married and I am pregnant again and my first child is now 6 and calls my husband 'Dad' ... she knows he is not her real father and made her own choice to call him Dad but they really do both worship each other, my husband is the perfect father. Her real Dad is a lousy father, he has never paid a penny towards her upbringing and he has no parenting skills at all ... I will always remember when she first learnt to count, she was showing off to him and he said well I can count ... he started to show off and counted to 10 in his own language - he is a prat!
Now I am married and have another baby on the way I do not have the time to take my eldest to see her biological father, I work full time and my husband and I want to take her on family holidays, not to see her biological father every single year. Is this unreasonable? It's not cheap to go over there but the biological father is constantly pestering me to go over there, he turns abusive when I say I can't get time off work ( which is true) . When we go and see him he uses our daughter as a trophy, he shows her off but he always has a hidden agenda for asking us to go there - it's usually to try and get money off me. He is constantly asking me for money all of the time, sometimes I do send him some as I feel sorry as he lives in a poor country, but the more I send him the more he wants, he will say things like he 'only' needs £5K!!. He never phones, just texts and never asks to see a photo of his daughter. At the moment we go over there once a year but I would love just to change my number and email address and never speak to him again. All he ever wants is money, I feel as though I have a black cloud over my marriage as I get constant abuse via text from this man. My daughter hates it when she goes to visit her biological father, she hates the country and doesn't even like to speak to her biological father or his family when we are there, they are all very childish around her and find it funny to say things like she is ugly.... we had one family adult member bite her face because they were jealous. The biological father constantly does things to annoy her thinking he is being funny and joking. I have never bad mouthed him to our daughter but I am at my wits end now. What would you do?

OP posts:

blackfeathers · 01/12/2013 16:01

OP call the NSPCC or social services for advice, make sure you tell them:

It's a non-Hague convention country
They want to subject her to FGM
One of them but her face
Father was physically abusive to you
There's a risk of forced marriage

..and just see how quickly they tell you to abandon all visits. In fact they will probably consider you to be abusive for facilitating such risky contact. If they abduct her or confiscate her passport you risk never getting her back given that its a non-Hague country.

blackfeathers · 01/12/2013 16:04

In fact the NSPCC has a specific FGM helpline

Talkinpeace · 01/12/2013 16:15

violet1982
assuming that your ID is your year of birth, you are 17 years younger than me
but having to face up to realities that many of us try to avoid

keep your child in the UK
unless the overseas family provide clear return tickets
if there is ANY risk of FGM cutting being done to her, cease it
openly - they have to prove they have rejected that barbarism
regardless of any relationship with a parent who may or may not care

your job is to raise a beautiful girl with a fabulous mother who may choose to travel later

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/12/2013 17:49

I would be very tempted to write to him telling him how much you have tried and that due to your personal circumstances you are no longer able to send money, or find money to visit. he is welcome to visit you with sufficient notice to see dd. tell him that you will email with DD every week at x time and be available for skype at this time (time zones compatible) as you want him to have some contact with dd. presumably he will soon lose interest and you can still send a weekly update from dd keep a record of all you have done so if dd feels like she wants contact later in life you can show her what you did to try to keep contact. make her a scrapbook of your time with him and her, including any of his family pics too, up to this point and save for the future then change phone number and stick to e mail only. get on with your life with once a week email only. his choice as to whether he uses the time for skype or returns her email. time will out as they say. it is important that he has a chance and for dd to know you tried in her future and for you it means all you have to worry about is that once a week half hour to let dd tel him what she is up to in life. This seems to be a fair compromise so you dont look like you are cutting him out and dd gets to see him for what he is.

ShinyBauble · 01/12/2013 17:56

I think you should burn all bridges OP. You know this guy is going to bring nothing but grief to his daughter. He will use her to try to extort more money, and abuse you to her if that fails. He seems to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. If she has a father she adores, let her be happy. The Egypt link sounds like it would become increasingly dangerous. Cut it now while it's easy to do.

And do not give her biological father your address! You'd be surprised how people like that can suddenly pull money together from friends and family when an income stream is threatened.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 01/12/2013 18:06

Good posts Estella
OP - FGM is enough of a reason all by itself. His lack of effort hopefully makes the decision easier for you.

Mumsyblouse · 01/12/2013 18:51

I also think that now your dd is 6, if you continue any contact, which I'm sure you won't, but it would be requiring her to lie. She can't be expected to pretend she doesn't have a new daddy or a new baby in her life. You haven't told your ex but this is unsustainable. On that grounds alone, that you fear him knowing you have remarried you must break free from this abusive person.

Original poster

violet1982 · 01/12/2013 19:32

I agree with the posts. I do think that cutting all contact will be better. I could Skype, if I could get him to take 5 minutes out of his day to do this which is doubtful but I know he would just use it as another way to abuse me and I wouldn't want my daughter to see that. He used to always call me fat ... I was 7 stone ... I know that he would pick any little thing to abuse me if I wasn't being his cash cow.

Yes Talkinpeace 1982 is my real date of birth ... this has been going on for years now. It's a huge relief to think that I could soon be free of him. He actually text me today saying that he has apparently bought a new boat ...this would have cost about £800 ... but he can't afford to send £1 for his own child!! I'm off to get a new sim card tomorrow.

OP posts:

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 01/12/2013 19:43

See Violet, hes obviously not as poor as he makes you believe, he could have multiple kids and mothers funding him.

Talkinpeace · 01/12/2013 19:47

No skype
no mobile phones
no wating in
you have been given a wonderful opportunity to bring up your daughter - intact - with your new DH
and if when she is old enough to make the decision she gets in touch with her father (as against her dad) she will have the "emotional resilience"
but YOU are the boss now

ps
I was never adopted by my stepdad : I liked the fact thay my legal status was for me to decide at 18

pigletmania · 01/12/2013 19:51

Nothing op, cut him dead. You have done your part. He brings nothing to your dd, get a new sim card tomorrow. That money you send him is another way for him to control you.

rubyslippers7788 · 04/12/2013 21:05

I agree with all posts. don't visit

foreverondiet · 05/12/2013 00:09

Well done! It's probably hard to see it objectively when you are in it but you have had lots of people agreeing that shouldn't visit or send money. No guilt at all, you have tried. Don't blackmouth him just don't Speak of him again. New phone and new email address is way to go. If he contacts family members asks then to delete and not tell you he has been in touch. No more money. Move forward with your husband, daughter and new baby. Can your husband adopt your daughter?

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