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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my daughter to see her biological father?

188 replies

violet1982 · 30/11/2013 18:41

Sorry, this may be a bit long!

I met my ex partner whilst on holiday abroad. We started a holiday romance and eventually I moved over to his country to be with him, I really did love him as I didn't know what he is really like. When I used to visit him for a holiday he was wonderful, really kind and considerate and acted as though he was a lovely guy. After moving over there to be with him, when he realised I had no money he turned into a complete monster. I found out that he is actually a compulsive liar, he cheated on me, plus he took steroids and smoked cannabis permanently - I only found all of this out when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant the abuse got worse, mind games, physical abuse .... at one point he tried to strangle me, my life was a living nightmare. It was only when our baby was born that I realised that I had to move back to the UK as I didn't want our child living in those conditions. When I moved back to the UK I still used to take our baby over to see him on a regular basis. After a few years I met another man, we are now married and I am pregnant again and my first child is now 6 and calls my husband 'Dad' ... she knows he is not her real father and made her own choice to call him Dad but they really do both worship each other, my husband is the perfect father. Her real Dad is a lousy father, he has never paid a penny towards her upbringing and he has no parenting skills at all ... I will always remember when she first learnt to count, she was showing off to him and he said well I can count ... he started to show off and counted to 10 in his own language - he is a prat!
Now I am married and have another baby on the way I do not have the time to take my eldest to see her biological father, I work full time and my husband and I want to take her on family holidays, not to see her biological father every single year. Is this unreasonable? It's not cheap to go over there but the biological father is constantly pestering me to go over there, he turns abusive when I say I can't get time off work ( which is true) . When we go and see him he uses our daughter as a trophy, he shows her off but he always has a hidden agenda for asking us to go there - it's usually to try and get money off me. He is constantly asking me for money all of the time, sometimes I do send him some as I feel sorry as he lives in a poor country, but the more I send him the more he wants, he will say things like he 'only' needs £5K!!. He never phones, just texts and never asks to see a photo of his daughter. At the moment we go over there once a year but I would love just to change my number and email address and never speak to him again. All he ever wants is money, I feel as though I have a black cloud over my marriage as I get constant abuse via text from this man. My daughter hates it when she goes to visit her biological father, she hates the country and doesn't even like to speak to her biological father or his family when we are there, they are all very childish around her and find it funny to say things like she is ugly.... we had one family adult member bite her face because they were jealous. The biological father constantly does things to annoy her thinking he is being funny and joking. I have never bad mouthed him to our daughter but I am at my wits end now. What would you do?

OP posts:
Poppy67 · 30/11/2013 20:50

Why are you doing this to your daughter?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 20:50

My daughter is 6 but hates going to Egypt, even at age. They torment her constantly.

So make the choice to never take her again, use your money for more worthwhile things.

toffeesponge · 30/11/2013 20:51

I haven't read the whole thread yet but the post at 19:18:54 has pissed me off.

Did you read what the OP said? His family member BIT her. He doesn't give a shit about the child, he belittles her, he does not financially support her.

I would stop responding to anything other than "can I see my daughter in 3 weeks time and I will come to your country and bring money to support her."

DistanceCall · 30/11/2013 20:51

...It's not a very safe area AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S GRANDMOTHER WANTS TO HAVE HER GENITALS CUT.

Protect your daughter. Please.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:51

Our daughter has a Christian name not a Muslim one. Plus I have always made sure that her birth was registered there ( which it could have been). My ex has constantly nagged to get her dual nationality and an Egyptian Passport as well as a UK one but I always refused. I have always covered myself to the best of my ability.

OP posts:
Poppy67 · 30/11/2013 20:53

Why are you subjecting your daughter to this risk?

basgetti · 30/11/2013 20:54

Have you taken her back there since she was bitten?

DistanceCall · 30/11/2013 20:56

Yes, but suppose you are in Egypt and your daughter's father decides she is staying with her. His family back him up and they take her away from you.

What do you do then? Appeal to the Egyptian police? The British embassy? How long do you think it might take for them to recover her (if they managed to) and to allow you to leave? What might happen meanwhile?

DistanceCall · 30/11/2013 20:56

Staying with him, that is.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:58

Poppy - Unless you have been to Egypt and been involved with Egyptian families you do not understand the mind games that they play. They messed with my head for years - then I have always had people in this country telling me things like superscrimper did earlier on - that shouldn't stop my daughter from seeing her biological father. I have protected my daughter by not putting his name on the birth certificate ... she has a UK passport ... he doesn't know her real name so if he ever went to the police in Egypt to try and take her from me he would look like an idiot. The police would have been too scared to get involved before the revolution ... yes, political circumstances have changed now ... hence me reviewing things again and deciding never to take her back there.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:59

Yes, I have taken her back there since she was bitten. But only his mother and father and siblings have been allowed to see her ( none of these people bit her), I have refused to take her into his village and his family have had to see her in my rented flat.

OP posts:
Poppy67 · 30/11/2013 21:00

Sorry but you are behaving very naively and stupidly ..... Protect your daughter.

toffeesponge · 30/11/2013 21:02

" Plus I have always made sure that her birth was registered there."

What did you mean by that?

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 21:02

Poppy, have you been to Egypt and been friends with Egyptians?

OP posts:
Poppy67 · 30/11/2013 21:04

Egypt are not signed up to The Hague Convention so if your holiday romance partner took your child whilst in Egypt, it would be bye bye baby. Is the risk of child abduction worth it?

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 21:04

Sorry toffee ... that's a typo ... I made sure her birth was never registered in Egypt. - She is not classed as an Egyptian when she is there and would never be entitled to things that other Egyptians are ... unless I agree to a DNA test and sign papers.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 30/11/2013 21:05

Violet, forgive me if I'm crossing a line here, but you seem to be too bothered by the views of people who don't understand your situation and say that you should take your daughter to see her biological father.

This is YOUR daughter and YOUR life, and nobody knows more about it than you (and possibly your partner). You shouldn't give a fuck about what other people think. THe only thing that matters here is not other people's opinion or whether you're hurting your daughter's biological father or whether you have the money or anything else.

The only thing that matters is protecting your daughter. And this is harming her, and has the potential to seriously damage her in the near future.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 21:06

Poppy ... I was with my holiday romance for 5 years before I got pregnant, living with him for 3. Please don't make it sound like I got pregnant by a man whilst on holiday.

OP posts:
Poppy67 · 30/11/2013 21:07

Not one person seems to understand why you are continuing this relationship on this thread. Why do this? Why put yourself through this? What does your new partner think? Do you have plans to go to Egypt with your daughter?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 21:07

Violet, have you gone to adoption route for your DH, it doesnt mean your DD could never see her Bio dad, but atleast your DH would have parental responsibility in your absence.

starlight1234 · 30/11/2013 21:07

I think this guy has been working you for a very long time... Your spare cash should be supporting you children not her Dad...I think generally you will be a much happier family if not...

If she had a great relationship I would be trying to find a way to maintain contact.Contact should be something for the benefit of your child and I cannot see a single one for your daughter ..
I think all of you will be happier for it....

Morloth · 30/11/2013 21:07

Email only and see a bloody lawyer.

toffeesponge · 30/11/2013 21:07

I did think it probably was a typo but I am worried for your DD and wanted to check.

This man and his family are a danger to your child. You need to stop taking her there and she is at risk of them refusing to give her back as well as being mutilated ffs.

What does your husband think about you spending family money on this prick?

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 21:09

DistanceCall ...I guess I am bothered by what other people think because it helps gauge an understanding of what my daughter will think when she is older. I want her to know that I did everything to build a relationship between her and her father. Because I know for a fact that if she ever goes there when she is older then my ex and hiss family will put on their fake charm and make me look like the monster. I would hate for her to think that and want to live with her father and then for it all to become far too late when she realises that he is a horrible person.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 21:11

Poppy - As I have said ... no I do not plan to go there as the country is not safe after the revolution and I know that due to the political unrest, if anything happened to us there, the police would not be on our side.

OP posts: