To not take my daughter to see her biological father?

[violet1982]

Sorry, this may be a bit long!

I met my ex partner whilst on holiday abroad. We started a holiday romance and eventually I moved over to his country to be with him, I really did love him as I didn't know what he is really like. When I used to visit him for a holiday he was wonderful, really kind and considerate and acted as though he was a lovely guy. After moving over there to be with him, when he realised I had no money he turned into a complete monster. I found out that he is actually a compulsive liar, he cheated on me, plus he took steroids and smoked cannabis permanently - I only found all of this out when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant the abuse got worse, mind games, physical abuse .... at one point he tried to strangle me, my life was a living nightmare. It was only when our baby was born that I realised that I had to move back to the UK as I didn't want our child living in those conditions. When I moved back to the UK I still used to take our baby over to see him on a regular basis. After a few years I met another man, we are now married and I am pregnant again and my first child is now 6 and calls my husband 'Dad' ... she knows he is not her real father and made her own choice to call him Dad but they really do both worship each other, my husband is the perfect father. Her real Dad is a lousy father, he has never paid a penny towards her upbringing and he has no parenting skills at all ... I will always remember when she first learnt to count, she was showing off to him and he said well I can count ... he started to show off and counted to 10 in his own language - he is a prat!
Now I am married and have another baby on the way I do not have the time to take my eldest to see her biological father, I work full time and my husband and I want to take her on family holidays, not to see her biological father every single year. Is this unreasonable? It's not cheap to go over there but the biological father is constantly pestering me to go over there, he turns abusive when I say I can't get time off work ( which is true) . When we go and see him he uses our daughter as a trophy, he shows her off but he always has a hidden agenda for asking us to go there - it's usually to try and get money off me. He is constantly asking me for money all of the time, sometimes I do send him some as I feel sorry as he lives in a poor country, but the more I send him the more he wants, he will say things like he 'only' needs £5K!!. He never phones, just texts and never asks to see a photo of his daughter. At the moment we go over there once a year but I would love just to change my number and email address and never speak to him again. All he ever wants is money, I feel as though I have a black cloud over my marriage as I get constant abuse via text from this man. My daughter hates it when she goes to visit her biological father, she hates the country and doesn't even like to speak to her biological father or his family when we are there, they are all very childish around her and find it funny to say things like she is ugly.... we had one family adult member bite her face because they were jealous. The biological father constantly does things to annoy her thinking he is being funny and joking. I have never bad mouthed him to our daughter but I am at my wits end now. What would you do?

I missed that bit about FGM, no fucking way on earth would i let my child be around these people who want her mutilated.

Every time I tell him I have no money he calls me a liar. All planes got cancelled to his country for about 3 months this year ... I had text after text saying that I was a liar and If I wanted to take her to see him then I would ... I don't know how he expected me to get there.

He's from Egypt.

Violet, why do inflict this on your DD again and again, you said he was abusive, can you imagine what he will do to her if he and his family get the chance, i assume he has no claim over your DD, since hes not been to the UK since her birth.

Let him call you a liar.Hell,let him call you whatever he wants,it's not true.

He,on the other hand,is a violent,abusive,free loading deadbeat shit.

Just change you number op, he is abusive and nasty, your dd is probably at RSI of harm. Do not engage with him, I personally would change e mail and telephone numbers and cut him dead

he likes to show her off as she is very white and whiteness is a sign of wealth

she is constantly nagging for me to have her circumcised

THAT ALONE - NO NO NO AND NO AGAIN JUST NO. Oops Im not shouting honestly.

your daughter is just income to that side of her culture. I do feel great empathy for your daughter - but for all your sakes terminate all contact

Violet....this is a horrible situation to be in. Its clear that you have tried to maintain Contact, and ultimately it is not your responsibility to do so. Your daughters biological father has made little to no effort and no contribution to raising her.
I believe you are simply trying to raise your family as well as you possibly can and good for you that you have moved on, and seem settled. You and your husband are providing a stable and loving environment for your children. Ignore those who make you doubt yourself as it is very easy to be judgemental from a distance, they haven't walked in your pretty shoes. You are a Mummy Lion, doing all you can to protect your daughter until she can protect herself.
In my world a 'Dad' is someone who is there for you, who loves and supports you unconditionally, who guides you on your journey towards adulthood and beyond.
Focus on all that is lovely in your life, ignore his existence, rise above the doubt......and follow your heart x

You are too nice, far too nice, but you have to put your dd frost, contact with him and his fami,y is of no benefit.

He doesn't want to Skype .. I have offered loads of times. I used to make her phone him up every week but the conversation always turned to how he needs money to support his parents and siblings.

No contact op, that's the way to go IMO.

He can't come here as he would never get a visa, I could get him a visa but he would never get one off is own back as he wouldn't be entitled to one. If I did get him a visa I would also have to pay his air fare and put him up. The average wage is £30 a month there so he would never afford to come here.

It's not your responsibility, he has to make the effort and he's making none

No no no to that one op.

I would never normally abdicate cutting contact between parent and child, but you have to think about what is best for DD.

She does not deserve to be treated this way by these people. It is absolutely abuse.

I think you write, explain that you will no longer be facilitating contact. He is welcome to see her in the UK with one months notice.

He won't come.

Dont let him come here, you'll never get rid of him and expect you to support him using his DD has a tool, and probably try and smuggle her out if you say no, this man has no interest in fatherhood, just money.

Look, the only thing you should even consider is keeping the lines of communication open for your dd in the future.

That means access for him to an email address for him. If he wants to Skype let him organise it.

If he wants to see her, let him fly over. Can't get a visa? Not your problem.

You're not blocking access, you're just not being his cash cow anymore.

abdicate?! ADVOCATE bloody IPAD making me look stupid!

As far as I am aware there is a postal service in Egypt. Keeping contact with a child does not have to involve huge amounts of money, however from what you say he is making no effort.

Agree with others, contact is for the child's benefit, not the parent's. you have done a huge amount to maintain contact but really it isn't all your responsibility. It sounds as though you have reached the point where you can put the ball in his court.

I think that's what I will do then. I will stop sending money. I will tell him I want weekly Skype, which I wont get and soon he will get bored with it all. I know deep down that If I stop sending the money he will soon stop asking about his daughter. I really have tried, when she was really little I used to take her over there every 3 months for 2 weeks a time. As soon as I started full time work I could only find the time to take her once a year but we have stayed there for 6 weeks at a time. At one point he would only see her in the street as he was in a mood with me so refused to come to the flat that I was renting... everyday for 2 weeks I used to take her to meet him in the street, stand there in the heat just to try and build a relationship between them. I have given this my all and I have tried and tried ... I can't go on like this especially as my daughter has a new brother on the way.

Postal service in Egypt isn't reliable ... the post office often rip letters open looking for money. He would never have the stamina to write a whole letter anyway.

Op you have gone above ad beyond what is expected of you, as her father he has to take responsibi,ity. Stop sending money, and just keep it open f you hav to via Skype and e mail. If h fails that, than his lose