To not take my daughter to see her biological father?

[violet1982]

Sorry, this may be a bit long!

I met my ex partner whilst on holiday abroad. We started a holiday romance and eventually I moved over to his country to be with him, I really did love him as I didn't know what he is really like. When I used to visit him for a holiday he was wonderful, really kind and considerate and acted as though he was a lovely guy. After moving over there to be with him, when he realised I had no money he turned into a complete monster. I found out that he is actually a compulsive liar, he cheated on me, plus he took steroids and smoked cannabis permanently - I only found all of this out when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant the abuse got worse, mind games, physical abuse .... at one point he tried to strangle me, my life was a living nightmare. It was only when our baby was born that I realised that I had to move back to the UK as I didn't want our child living in those conditions. When I moved back to the UK I still used to take our baby over to see him on a regular basis. After a few years I met another man, we are now married and I am pregnant again and my first child is now 6 and calls my husband 'Dad' ... she knows he is not her real father and made her own choice to call him Dad but they really do both worship each other, my husband is the perfect father. Her real Dad is a lousy father, he has never paid a penny towards her upbringing and he has no parenting skills at all ... I will always remember when she first learnt to count, she was showing off to him and he said well I can count ... he started to show off and counted to 10 in his own language - he is a prat!
Now I am married and have another baby on the way I do not have the time to take my eldest to see her biological father, I work full time and my husband and I want to take her on family holidays, not to see her biological father every single year. Is this unreasonable? It's not cheap to go over there but the biological father is constantly pestering me to go over there, he turns abusive when I say I can't get time off work ( which is true) . When we go and see him he uses our daughter as a trophy, he shows her off but he always has a hidden agenda for asking us to go there - it's usually to try and get money off me. He is constantly asking me for money all of the time, sometimes I do send him some as I feel sorry as he lives in a poor country, but the more I send him the more he wants, he will say things like he 'only' needs £5K!!. He never phones, just texts and never asks to see a photo of his daughter. At the moment we go over there once a year but I would love just to change my number and email address and never speak to him again. All he ever wants is money, I feel as though I have a black cloud over my marriage as I get constant abuse via text from this man. My daughter hates it when she goes to visit her biological father, she hates the country and doesn't even like to speak to her biological father or his family when we are there, they are all very childish around her and find it funny to say things like she is ugly.... we had one family adult member bite her face because they were jealous. The biological father constantly does things to annoy her thinking he is being funny and joking. I have never bad mouthed him to our daughter but I am at my wits end now. What would you do?

Your daughter loves your husband and calls him Dad. She hates going to Egypt. She dislikes her biological's father family. And she is only 6.

Your daughter is not "other people". She's at the centre of this entire situation. She won't judge you.

You can explain things to her gradually, in an age-appropriate way, as she grows up, and set up things so that her biological father can contact her via email, Skype and post whenever he wants to, and she can contact him too if she wishes to. If he doesn't contact her and doesn't reply, your daughter will know. She needs to know the truth, what her biological father is like.

Children are not stupid. And I don't think that any "fake charm" will be stronger than your love and the love of her real father (i.e. your husband) over the years.

But the police would not be on your side there regardless..... There is no protection for your child should the dad, aunt, grandmother, friend decide to snatch/hide her.

My husband doesn't like me sending money to this family but it has only been about £30 a month as there has been no way of making money there. My husband would like me to cut contact as he sees himself as her father but he also understands why I have tried to build a relationship between my daughter and her biological father.

DistanceCall - thank you for your comments and I completely agree with them.

Poppy - there would have been protection before the revolution - I sought legal advice on this many times and was told exactly the same thing.

I think you're a very decent person who has been trying to do what is best for your child, and have been taken advantage of. And I think you're married to a wonderful man.

To be honest, I think your daugher's rea father is actually your husband. Whether he adopts your daughter or not (which, in my opinion, would be a good idea, if your daughter wants to).

Hi Violet, I think you should listen to the majority on here.

If your daughter is not pressurising you to see him, and she doesnt like going anyway, I wouldnt put her through any more torture.

Just start having a nice life withought this leech.

Look violet when your dd Is Oder we will look back and tank her mum for being brave and leaving her abusive father, she will thank you fr protecting her from abuse and harm and being the best mum you can. Your dd is finding out for herself how theyare like and therefore has her own opinions of them. Hence she does not like going there, ad dies not seem to be forming bonds or relationships with him and his family despite all your best efforts. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I myself would change all numbers and cut them off.

Violet. It sounds like you have made your decision. It is simply not safe to take your dd to Egypt for all the reasons you have listed.

Cut your losses and thank your lucky stars that you have your dd at home with you, safe and warm and all tucked up in bed (presumably!). Sadly for many women, this is not the case and they are fighting tooth and nail to find their children with very little hope that the courts in their ex partner's home country will actually return the child even if found.

You are making a new life for yourself and your dd. your husband sounds lovely and you have been blessed with another child on the way. Now is the time to start looking forward, not back.

If I was you, I would write a letter to your dd. Write for her to read in the future when she is much older. She probably will have some tough questions to ask. Write her a letter explaining what you have been doing all these years and why you have taken this decision. Then hide it in a very safe place and only give to her when you are sure she is ready. She will need to know the truth about her father one day and how they have treated you both. Write the letter, hide it, ignore all texts etc and then move on.

Egypt operates under Sharia law. There is no legal mechanism to address child abduction. Parental child abduction is not illegal in Egypt. They have not signed up with hague convention to protect children from child abduction.

If you do go there again (and I hope you don't!) make sure you don't tell him that you are remarried as this is one of the grounds which Egyptian courts use to remove children from their mothers and give custody to the father.

Thank you everyone. It actually breaks my heart to see my husband with my daughter because he is the perfect father and a brilliant husband. It breaks my heart because it just highlights what a loser her real dad is and how he is like a millstone around my neck. I just want him gone so that we can be a happy family without this black cloud that we have hanging over us, constantly texting me abuse and asking for money. As I said earlier, I have had over a decade of my ex and his games and it as almost become a normal way of life to me ... this thread has highlighted to me that it's not normal to live like this so thank you all.

I'm another who'd never normally advocate cutting off a father but in this case there is no question.

If my mother had been taking me to a country where I was at real risk of being kidnapped and mutilated by an abusive family it's that that I wouldn't forgive.

Please please never take her there again.

Stop the money and email only - what happens if a Skype conversation means he works out her real name or where she lives?

Finola1step - Letter is a brilliant idea. I will do that.

basgetti - I certainly will not go back there!

Poppy - The lawyers must be wrong then. You seem to be missing the pain points about the passport, name, no paternity proof etc etc.

Violet when your dd grows up and finds out that someone actually bit her in that country, and that they wanted to have her cut, she will be going down on her knees and thanking you for protecting her from this very unpleasant situation.

If she wants to investigate Egypt and Egyptian culture, she can do so as an adult with legal rights- although the position of women in these countries is very compromised and again, she will not be naive about this.

Have faith in your dd, she already knows that this is not a nice place to spend time. Cut your losses, please don't go again.

You can facilitate any contact, Skype, letters, him visiting if he wants, but for gods sake stop sending them money (why? guilt?) and don't take her there, it's not safe on many levels.

It's almost the new year so be strong and cut ties as of 1st January. I like the idea of writing a letter for your dd when she is older. Keep emails from this man as evidence also. You owe him nothing. Your life I am sure will be far happier once you decide to ignore all contact. Give him an email which your husband can monitor. It's probably better to do this whilst your daughter is younger. Good luck.

Lara - I doubt he would ever work out her real name. Plus he wont Skype. I will ask him to but I know he wont.

Violet, your daughter's biological father is a millstone round your neck only because you allow him to be. He is not cotributing anything to your daughter's wellbeing (and I don't mean money. He could be piss-poor and still care about his daughter).

As I said, it sounds like your husband's has stepped up to the plate and is being a real father to your daughter. Given that she will now be having a sibling, you might want to consider making a clean break with the past and having your husband adopt her. (Which would not be incompatible with your daughter's biological father being able to contact her. Which he won't, mind you).

You have your family now, which is also your daughter's family. Your daughter needs to know about her biological father and what happened, but she shouldn't feel excluded from your husband's love in any way.

But it doesn't matter if his family put on fake charm and slag you off. Your DD will have had you looking after her her whole life and will see all you do for her and all her father doesn't do.

That sounded a bit harsh which I didn't mean. I think you've been trying so hard to do the right thing and I'm sure your DD will completely understand that.

But don't put her at any more risk. Imagine how you'd feel if any one of a number of awful things happen? Imagine how she'll feel when she's older if you don't protect her?

Is he won't skype don't beg him to. Why do you force this relationship?

Mumsyblouse - you have probably hit the nail on the head. I send him money through guilt. My daughter is just so wonderful and beautiful and I hate to think of him and his family missing out on this amazing little girl - writing everything on this thread has made me realise what I have always known in the back of my mind, they don't want her, they want the money and status that they think comes with her.

Violet you are discussing the legal situation as if they are reasonable people and as if this is a democratic country with a good fair legal system- it isn't! They are already quite happy to suggest breaking the law to perform FGM which is banned. You can't risk her getting taken/cut/traumatized or any of these things on the basis that her birth certificate doesn't have his name on it- what if you couldn't find her, what if it happened already?

I have some knowledge of similar type of family set-ups though not abusive and the parents/grandparents just do what they like, they will not be deterred by anything, it is a very hierarchical culture in which your voice is very weak.

I also think you need to think that your dd at the moment is learning to hate going there- if you want her to have any positive associations of Egypt, best not to continue taking her there but allow them to keep in touch with her (if they do).

Violet I think it is partly guilt but also partly that you genuinely must have thought that keeping that contact with the father and the culture was the right thing to do. And, with a different family, that may well be the case. But these people don't really love your dd and they probably despise you- I wouldn't give it a second's thought never going there again in your life.

Poppy... I don't know if you are getting threads mixed up but you completely seem to be missing the point. I am not forcing a relationship, yes I have tried to enable one before. As I have said, I will stop money and offer Skype ... knowing that he will refuse ... he will then get bored and I will finally be free of him and his nastiness.