Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my daughter to see her biological father?

188 replies

violet1982 · 30/11/2013 18:41

Sorry, this may be a bit long!

I met my ex partner whilst on holiday abroad. We started a holiday romance and eventually I moved over to his country to be with him, I really did love him as I didn't know what he is really like. When I used to visit him for a holiday he was wonderful, really kind and considerate and acted as though he was a lovely guy. After moving over there to be with him, when he realised I had no money he turned into a complete monster. I found out that he is actually a compulsive liar, he cheated on me, plus he took steroids and smoked cannabis permanently - I only found all of this out when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant the abuse got worse, mind games, physical abuse .... at one point he tried to strangle me, my life was a living nightmare. It was only when our baby was born that I realised that I had to move back to the UK as I didn't want our child living in those conditions. When I moved back to the UK I still used to take our baby over to see him on a regular basis. After a few years I met another man, we are now married and I am pregnant again and my first child is now 6 and calls my husband 'Dad' ... she knows he is not her real father and made her own choice to call him Dad but they really do both worship each other, my husband is the perfect father. Her real Dad is a lousy father, he has never paid a penny towards her upbringing and he has no parenting skills at all ... I will always remember when she first learnt to count, she was showing off to him and he said well I can count ... he started to show off and counted to 10 in his own language - he is a prat!
Now I am married and have another baby on the way I do not have the time to take my eldest to see her biological father, I work full time and my husband and I want to take her on family holidays, not to see her biological father every single year. Is this unreasonable? It's not cheap to go over there but the biological father is constantly pestering me to go over there, he turns abusive when I say I can't get time off work ( which is true) . When we go and see him he uses our daughter as a trophy, he shows her off but he always has a hidden agenda for asking us to go there - it's usually to try and get money off me. He is constantly asking me for money all of the time, sometimes I do send him some as I feel sorry as he lives in a poor country, but the more I send him the more he wants, he will say things like he 'only' needs £5K!!. He never phones, just texts and never asks to see a photo of his daughter. At the moment we go over there once a year but I would love just to change my number and email address and never speak to him again. All he ever wants is money, I feel as though I have a black cloud over my marriage as I get constant abuse via text from this man. My daughter hates it when she goes to visit her biological father, she hates the country and doesn't even like to speak to her biological father or his family when we are there, they are all very childish around her and find it funny to say things like she is ugly.... we had one family adult member bite her face because they were jealous. The biological father constantly does things to annoy her thinking he is being funny and joking. I have never bad mouthed him to our daughter but I am at my wits end now. What would you do?

OP posts:
Poppy67 · 30/11/2013 20:14

Sorry but why the fuck are you doing this? It may be harsh but you seem to be putting your daughter at extreme risk of harm.

Tryharder · 30/11/2013 20:16

He sounds like very hard work, OP and no one could accuse you of not having tried.

I wouldn't cut contact entirely but would limit it to Skype and Viber. If he doesn't have internet, perhaps you could buy phone cards and your daughter could speak to him from time to time if she chooses.

I wouldn't visit or send money. If he asks or emails for money, simply say you cannot and end the conversation.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:20

He has access to the internet ... he managed to stay in touch with the women he was chatting up when he was with me lol ... He knows exactly how to email / Skype etc. I must sound a bit of a fool but he was so believable and kept up the lies for years ... when I got pregnant he felt he had the power to use and abuse me.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 30/11/2013 20:21

Violet: Don't ever visit them again.
They could:

  1. Kidnap your DD and circumcise her.
  2. Refuse to let your DD leave the country with you.

Change your phone number.
STOP sending money.

Are you on FB? If so keep your privacy settings as high as possible.
Best wishes to you.

WholeNutt · 30/11/2013 20:22

If he's abusive towards you it won't end with just you. Cut contact and change your number. Oh and stop sending him money!!!

Poppy67 · 30/11/2013 20:24

I wonder if he has other kids/partners in this same situation...... He could be fleecing, and more, other people.

moldingsunbeams · 30/11/2013 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rabbitlady · 30/11/2013 20:27

if there is any chance of fgm, you can get a court order to make sure she is not taken out of this country.
one of my pupils told her primary school teachers that her mum was taking her to their country of origin to be cut; school went to social services and the court order they gained keeps her in the uk until 18.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 20:29

Rabbit, i hope for that little girl, a lifetime of pain and possible fertility issue, she has been spared from.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:32

I agree moldingsunbeams, both he and his family probably are laughing at me and have probably done so for years. It was only after we split up that I realised that his friends called their English wives their ' English Banks'. I think my ex never thought for one minute that I would get pregnant, he actually left me when he found out that I was pregnant, I let him come back though because being over there and pregnant I felt extremely vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:35

I know she is safe in the UK. When I got married I had my daughters surname changed to my husbands surname ... I did this to keep her safe as I know that she cant be traced by him, his family, or any other English woman that he may meet in the future. My ex doesn't know that I am married. I didn't tell him as I feared that he would take our daughter as revenge when we visited him this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:36

He doesn't have our UK address either ... he has never asked for it and I would never give it to him anyway.

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 20:39

Does he even have PR and i assume hes not on the BC.

DistanceCall · 30/11/2013 20:40

In most Muslim countries fathers have all custody rights. Which means that if he felt like it, next time you visited he could refuse to let his daughter leave the country. And have her mutilated. And marry her off.

This is no father. Tell him to bugger off.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:41

No he doesn't have PR and isn't on the BC.

OP posts:
Poppy67 · 30/11/2013 20:43

Why are you doing this?

DontmindifIdo · 30/11/2013 20:43

I would say there's a lot of difference between stopping your DD having contact with her bio father and just stopping forcing it.

If she doesn't want to go, don't go. She's 15 now? Then she can decide for herself if she wants to go, if no, then don't bother forcing it.

Every time he asks for money, say no, put the same amount he's asked for into a bank account for your DD. Your DD is your responsibility, your exP is not. If you didn't have a DD would you still be in contact and sending money?

Make skype available, let him call or e-mail, make sure your DD has his e-mail address and phone number, tell her she's allowed to call him if she wants to call him and can e-mail, and hten step back and stop trying to force it.

If he can't come to the UK, that's not your problem. If he doesn't have money for things in his country, that's not your problem. Your DD is your only problem, and until she's an independent adult, you need to stop putting her in risky situations and spending your family money on him. Your DD should be the one benefiting from your money, not your exP.

Put your DD first.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 20:44

In most Muslim countries fathers have all custody rights. Which means that if he felt like it, next time you visited he could refuse to let his daughter leave the country. And have her mutilated. And marry her off.

Really, even if theres no proof of paternity.

DistanceCall · 30/11/2013 20:44

Then he has no legal claims over her. However, your daughter is technically a Muslim (as her father is one). I wouldn't count on Egyptian authorities making much of an effort to help you out should he decide to act on what he perceived to be his rights.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 20:45

DontmindifIdo, Little girl is 6, but shes still stated her dislike of going.

DistanceCall · 30/11/2013 20:46

If I understand rightly, there are no documents that state that he is the father. Which is good for you, as he has no claims on her if he ever comes to Britain.

However, I think that visiting him in Egypt is EXTREMELY risky. It's not a very safe area right now.

moldingsunbeams · 30/11/2013 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

basgetti · 30/11/2013 20:48

I don't know why you would even consider subjecting your 6 year old child to these people. She was bitten by an adult fgs.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 20:48

DontmindifIdo - My daughter is 6 but hates going to Egypt, even at age. They torment her constantly.

OP posts:
harriet247 · 30/11/2013 20:49

I cant believe this is even a questio! That poor poor girl.stop everything and READ what you typed you lunatic! Im sorry you had to go through so much but you need to put dd first and cut this man off! You wouldnt let any other person treat her this way,why him? Supplying sperm doesn't give him the entitlement to haunt your family like this.madnesa.

Swipe left for the next trending thread