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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my daughter to see her biological father?

188 replies

violet1982 · 30/11/2013 18:41

Sorry, this may be a bit long!

I met my ex partner whilst on holiday abroad. We started a holiday romance and eventually I moved over to his country to be with him, I really did love him as I didn't know what he is really like. When I used to visit him for a holiday he was wonderful, really kind and considerate and acted as though he was a lovely guy. After moving over there to be with him, when he realised I had no money he turned into a complete monster. I found out that he is actually a compulsive liar, he cheated on me, plus he took steroids and smoked cannabis permanently - I only found all of this out when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant the abuse got worse, mind games, physical abuse .... at one point he tried to strangle me, my life was a living nightmare. It was only when our baby was born that I realised that I had to move back to the UK as I didn't want our child living in those conditions. When I moved back to the UK I still used to take our baby over to see him on a regular basis. After a few years I met another man, we are now married and I am pregnant again and my first child is now 6 and calls my husband 'Dad' ... she knows he is not her real father and made her own choice to call him Dad but they really do both worship each other, my husband is the perfect father. Her real Dad is a lousy father, he has never paid a penny towards her upbringing and he has no parenting skills at all ... I will always remember when she first learnt to count, she was showing off to him and he said well I can count ... he started to show off and counted to 10 in his own language - he is a prat!
Now I am married and have another baby on the way I do not have the time to take my eldest to see her biological father, I work full time and my husband and I want to take her on family holidays, not to see her biological father every single year. Is this unreasonable? It's not cheap to go over there but the biological father is constantly pestering me to go over there, he turns abusive when I say I can't get time off work ( which is true) . When we go and see him he uses our daughter as a trophy, he shows her off but he always has a hidden agenda for asking us to go there - it's usually to try and get money off me. He is constantly asking me for money all of the time, sometimes I do send him some as I feel sorry as he lives in a poor country, but the more I send him the more he wants, he will say things like he 'only' needs £5K!!. He never phones, just texts and never asks to see a photo of his daughter. At the moment we go over there once a year but I would love just to change my number and email address and never speak to him again. All he ever wants is money, I feel as though I have a black cloud over my marriage as I get constant abuse via text from this man. My daughter hates it when she goes to visit her biological father, she hates the country and doesn't even like to speak to her biological father or his family when we are there, they are all very childish around her and find it funny to say things like she is ugly.... we had one family adult member bite her face because they were jealous. The biological father constantly does things to annoy her thinking he is being funny and joking. I have never bad mouthed him to our daughter but I am at my wits end now. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 19:28

SuperScrimper - he likes to show her off as she is very white and whiteness is a sign of wealth. We have spent 6 weeks there each year for the past few years and she still doesn't like them ... I am a teacher so have taken all of my summer holiday for the past few years so she can spend time with him. He doesn't even see her every day when we are there and if he is in a mood with him he refuses to see her at all.

OP posts:
SuperScrimper · 30/11/2013 19:28

She's 6! My nearly 6 year wants to call my SIL's new boyfriend Captain Penguin. We said no.

It sounds like you just want to erase the past/ her Father out of your life.

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 30/11/2013 19:29

I think it's more sad when a child is treated like shit and is forced to continue being treated like shit even after she says how unhappy she is. Called names. Laughed at. Shown no genuine interest or caring. Only used to get money.

It's really not about whether he deserves contact with his daughter. It's whether she deserves a father like him!

pigletmania · 30/11/2013 19:31

Op change your details and don't have anything to do with this abusive individual. If he wants to see her he can make the effort, but you stop it right now. Enjoy being a fami,y and do what you want to do

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 30/11/2013 19:31

Here's a question for you to think about, OP. If you were to call him and tell him that you are in a bad financial situation and say that you can either bring his daughter to see him annually, or you can give him money to help him out, but you can't do both. What would he like you to do.

What would he choose?

pigletmania · 30/11/2013 19:32

Super scrimped have you read te op by the way!

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 19:32

SuperScrimper, one of his family members bit her face, and he could easily marry her off at 15, you seriously think these money grabbers could be trusted with her.

OP already said he was violent when she was pregnant, are you in the "Abusive dad better than no dad" camp.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 19:33

SuperScrimper - I think either you haven't read the whole thread or you just don't understand it. I have spent thousands taking her over there to see him to try and build a relationship between them. He has 7 brothers and sisters - his mother steals my daughters toys for her own kids, she is constantly nagging for me to have her circumcised. Her biological father will not see her if he is in a mood with me ... this is usually when I wont give him money. Sometimes he will only see her for 15 minutes as he has to go to the gym or has to see his friends.

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 30/11/2013 19:33

I never usually say to cut off the bio-father,but in this case it's pretty clear cut.Get him out of your lives.If I were you,I'd get it checked out by a solicitor first to make sure you are covered on all angles.

It might be an idea to think about having your husband legally adopt her...I don't know if you've considered this?.I assume you would need the biological dad's permission...and I hate to say it,but he'd probably sign the papers if he thought there was cash in it for him.

pigletmania · 30/11/2013 19:33

Why should op make the effort, he is the father he should make the effort!

rabbitlady · 30/11/2013 19:33

keep her safe with you at all times. she matters more than him and his family. she is your responsibility, they aren't. i think you have all the right ideas. don't send him anything at all.

if when she's an (preferably married so arrangements can't be made on her behalf) adult, she wants to find her relatives abroad, she will. until then, you do everything you can to protect her.

pumpkinsweetie · 30/11/2013 19:36

He didn't want to know her for many years, she hardly knows him & now he expects you to do the running aswell.

Forget him, keep your dd away, you owe him nothing. When your dd turns 18 she can make the choice whether to see him.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 19:37

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod - I tried that one once ... that is how I managed to escape his country ... and initially it was an escape. I told him that I would have to return to the UK to work so I could send him money, never did he ask me to stay and offer to support us. He was quite happy to let us leave when he thought he would get money.

OP posts:
Morloth · 30/11/2013 19:37

Change phone numbers but not emails.

Keep all correspondence pleasant from your end but let him know that you don't feel it is safe for yiur daughter to visit.

Save Everything.

And get legal advice.

waltermittymissus · 30/11/2013 19:40

I never, ever advocate cutting off a parent but in this case I honestly believe it is the best thing for your daughter.

The child has to take precedence. Anyone will tell you, contact is for the child's benefit, not the parent's or at least it should be.

She is not benefitting from this and it could potentially be very damaging for her.

It's your job to keep her safe first and foremost. Stop taking her over, stop communication, STOP SENDING MONEY.

If he wants to have a relationship with her, let him find a way.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 19:40

The only reason that my husband hasn't legally adopted her is because I wanted to try and build a relationship between her and her biological father ... I have tried and tried until I am blue in the face but he never puts any effort it. When I was pregnant I offered to pay for him to come to the UK so he could be here for her birth ... he refused because he was offered a trip with his friends to a sea side resort in his own country.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 30/11/2013 19:42

The only reason that my husband hasn't legally adopted her is because I wanted to try and build a relationship between her and her biological father

He couldn't anyway, without her biological father's consent could he?

pigletmania · 30/11/2013 19:42

Have nothing more to do with him or his family, you have done more than enough. Contact with abusive parents for the benefit of who, the child or the father, well it certainly is not for the child in this vpcase. There was a very sad thread about avsimiar thing, but court was ordering contact between the child and his abusive father. The effect on that child was awful. Yes if she wants to call op dh father, she should, to her, he is!

ImperialBlether · 30/11/2013 19:42

TheGreatWizard has the best idea. Write to him saying, "We don't have much money this year. I have lost my job and can't get another. I only have £1000 left in my bank. I am sorry you don't have money. If I bring DD to see you it will cost us the £1000. What do you think I should do, send you the £1000 or bring DD to see you?"

Just wait for his answer! Then block him at every level.

As for his mother - if anyone thought of circumcising my daughter, they'd never ever see her again.

Are you married to your partner? Would you have him adopt her?

ImperialBlether · 30/11/2013 19:43

Sorry, x post re adoption.

Original poster
violet1982 · 30/11/2013 19:43

"contact is for the child's benefit, not the parent's" ... never thought of it that way waltermittymissus but you are 100% right. I have tried for years to make it work for his benefit when in actual fact its not benefiting our child.

I know things will change when he gets married and has more kids - he certainly wont want her then.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/11/2013 19:43

I was about to ask about FGM.

You need to protect your child from this.

Do NOT go any more. Say you have no money. Give him no money.

Change your mobile number so he can only email you.

Offer weekly Skype. See what happens.

HildaOgden · 30/11/2013 19:44

It's not your responsibilty to build a relationship between them (although God knows,you've tried)...it's his.

Stop beating yourself up over this.You tried your best,he didn't.Cut this stress from your life,and your daughters too.

Elizabeththefirst · 30/11/2013 19:45

This sounds awful. Which country is it, OP? It's ok if you don't want to say but is it an African country? I have some experience in this area and some of the things you say resonate...but cultural differences or not, this man is abusive and would be in any culture. You must have the patience of a saint to have put up with this for so long.

pigletmania · 30/11/2013 19:45

You need to protect your child from this abusive man and his abusive family.