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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Selfish" of me to want Dh's family to care

165 replies

Sparklymommy · 27/11/2013 20:59

Ok, so dh and I have been together thirteen years. We have four children, aged 10, 7, 6, and 4. Dd1 (10) was the first grandchild on every side and doted fought over by everyone in the early days.

All of my children are involved in performing arts and regularly perform in festivals, Shows, pantomimes. Dd1 is in her 5th pantomime this year. Dh's family have seen her once. Last year. When dh gave them the tickets.

In fact, in 8 years his parents have seen her in 2 dance school shows, 1 variety show and 1 pantomime. His sister (who now has 2 children herself) has only seen her in the panto last year when dh gave the tickets.

I wouldn't mind but this year dd1 is in one pantomime. Ds1 is in another. SIL is taking her children to a pantomime further afield to watch. I am hurt. SIL is dd1s godmother but does not bother with her anymore.

Last night I happened to be discussing how upsetting this was, especially as my own father, who would have supported the children and watched them, died five years ago and apart from my mother no one ever goes to watch them. All the other children get extremely excited when they have family, friends and that in the audience and my children don't get to feel like that.

Dh overheard my conversation and shouted at me that I was being selfish. And his sister didn't want to see the local, professional, panto, the one dd is in because she didn't like any of the cast. What about her niece????

I am in two minds. I would so like to buy then tickets as their Christmas present so that they have to go but panto tickets aren't cheap and I can't really afford it. And I wouldn't be so upset if it weren't for the fact that they go to the theatre about twice a month, but never to watch the dc.

Sorry, just seen how long this post is.

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 27/11/2013 21:08

I think YABU.

You have 4 children and they're all involved in different activities. Going to see one perform means that you have to go and see them all. It's a big ask and children's performing arts are dire.

Don't buy the tickets, that is just petty.

ProudAS · 27/11/2013 21:10

Buy them tickets as a christmas pressie

Sirzy · 27/11/2013 21:11

They can pick what the want to watch. Thats not selfish.

You have chosen for your children to do such activities, you can't expect everyone to want to drop everything to come and watch

JeanSeberg · 27/11/2013 21:12

Just don't take it personally because it isn't.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 27/11/2013 21:12

If they don't want to go then they don't want to go.

The tickets will just be wasted as they'll be 'ill' or something on that day.

To be fair, nothing on this earth would make me sit through a pantomime or a dance show - sorry!

cjel · 27/11/2013 21:15

You just said the tickets are expensive - how much would it be costing them to go and see all your dcs perform? YABU.

WorraLiberty · 27/11/2013 21:15

YABVU imo

This is their hobby and it's nice they can do it, but you can't expect your SIL and everyone else to sit through these performances if they don't want to.

I would so like to buy then tickets as their Christmas present so that they have to go but panto tickets aren't cheap and I can't really afford it.

Do not do this ^^ unless you want to come across as some sort of strange 'pageant mum'.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 27/11/2013 21:15

YABU I'm afraid, I'm sure they do care, but that doesn't mean they have to come and watch millions of performances to prove it.

It is a lot to ask people to fork out to sit through a couple of hours of something they don't like to catch a few minutes of something you can record and email to them anyway.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/11/2013 21:16

YABU

I love my nieces and nephews and would endure the odd show if they were in it but it certainly isn't something I'd want to do (and pay for) regularly. Let's be honest, watching kiddy shows isn't the most interesting way to spend an evening....

You see it differently because they are your children and to watch them is amazing and they are brilliant, perfect etc etc - but to other people it's probably a bit of a chore..... Hmm

Original poster
Sparklymommy · 27/11/2013 21:18

It's not "children's performing arts" it's professional panto. Maybe I am being unreasonable but I am not asking them to watch all of them.

It's just this is the latest in a long line. We live between the GPS and the SIL, and yet they all walk right past my front door daily and NEVER come in.

Mil picked the children up from school last week and DIDN'T recognise ds1.

When dd1 was a baby they were forever trying to take her off of me for the day, since SIL has had children they just aren't interested. I know that sounds like I'm jealous. I'm not. But they do everything with SILs kids and don't bother with mine.

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 27/11/2013 21:19

Do the other cast members have crowds of family members attending?

Daykin · 27/11/2013 21:19

YABU. If your dcs like performing then fair enough but people aren't under obligation to watch them, especially if it's expensive.
I don't have 'performing' dcs, so maybe it's different but one of mine is a swimmer and fully understands that although he likes winning racing, it's dull as fuck for his gps to watch and even his siblings tend to try and get out of going. I suppose being in a show or something is different because the whole point of it is to entertain whereas in sport, entertaining is incidental.

Fakebook · 27/11/2013 21:21

YABU. As an aunt, I wouldn't go to my niece's and nephews performances especially if they're involved in them every year. Isn't it enough that you, the parents, attend?

My niece was in a talent contest a few years ago that my brother and sil made a big hoo haa about and I was totally put off. But that was also because they made me sit through about 100 professional pics on dvd, of dn posing in her costume.

CaptainSweatPants · 27/11/2013 21:21

Do you invite them???
A lot of people don't drop in
I don't &hate it when other people do

WorraLiberty · 27/11/2013 21:21

In light of your second post, it's clearly nothing to do with the panto, is it?

Original poster
Sparklymommy · 27/11/2013 21:22

deckswabber yes, they do. And dd1 has noticed that. Ds1 not so much, it's his first professional engagement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklymommy · 27/11/2013 21:24

As I said worra its the tip of the iceberg.

I don't expect people to fawn over my dcs. Even I don't!

OP posts:
onlyfortonight · 27/11/2013 21:28

My DD does loads of swimming galas - days of sitting around in a swimming pool watching children swim up and down and up and down...

...and guess what - done of my or my DH family wants to watch! How dare they?

Really? It is absolutely fine for you to have a blind spot for your children and their hobbies...great supportive mum...but don't inflict it onto everyone else in the family. These things are terribly boring for everyone else - whether it is a swimming gala, ballet show, children's drama, rugby match, whatever! It doesn't mean they love them less, so on this one I'm with your husband.

As for your SIL - I presume her children have their activities too...when was the last time you were involved? Stop being the pushy stage mum.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/11/2013 21:29

How is a Pantomime a 'Professional Engagement' ?
Genuine question by the way...

DustyBaubles · 27/11/2013 21:29

If your children played soccer, or tennis, or chess, would you expect hoards of family members to turn up to every game?

You have four children all involved in performing arts.

Will the best will in the world, that will bore the pants off most people, even before you start asking them topay for the privilege of watching pantomimes, variety shows and dance school performances they would not ordinarily choose to attend.

If I pay for theatre tickets, I make sure it's for a performance we will all enjoy and appreciate. Not many people will voluntarily spend money on tickets just for the dubious pleasure of watching someone else's child perform. Especially if they are likely to feel they should then watch the other three instead.

As an aside, families often just are closer to the children of their daughters. It's a common dynamic.

Oly4 · 27/11/2013 21:29

I agree with you OP. I live miles away from my nieces but try and see them as often as I can. And if I lived close by I'd see them in ALL their shows. And I have two very young children of my own...but I'd still find the time. The aunt-niece relationship can be a special one

Patchouli · 27/11/2013 21:32

You say the tickets aren't cheap. There are 4 DCs in lots of shows.

ThenSheSaid · 27/11/2013 21:34

I am afraid it's another YABU with regard to watching the kids preform. I would try not to worry about it.

There is clearly so much more to this situation it's hard to give advice. Does your DH invite the family to visit?

Preciousbane · 27/11/2013 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sparklymommy · 27/11/2013 21:42

A professional pantomime, with (ghastly word) celebrity stars. Proper theatres with two teams of dancing children alternating shows. Two shows a day for four week runs.

I'm upset because SIL is going to watch a pantomime, the one twenty miles away as apposed to the local one that her niece is in 6 miles away. Two of my children are performing over Christmas. Not all four. The younge two have only ever done festivals and dance school shows. I have asked mil if she would like to watch at the festivals before as you can literally watch the one performance for a couple of quid and then leave. Not interested, fair enough.

OP posts: