"Selfish" of me to want Dh's family to care

[Sparklymommy]

Ok, so dh and I have been together thirteen years. We have four children, aged 10, 7, 6, and 4. Dd1 (10) was the first grandchild on every side and doted fought over by everyone in the early days.

All of my children are involved in performing arts and regularly perform in festivals, Shows, pantomimes. Dd1 is in her 5th pantomime this year. Dh's family have seen her once. Last year. When dh gave them the tickets.

In fact, in 8 years his parents have seen her in 2 dance school shows, 1 variety show and 1 pantomime. His sister (who now has 2 children herself) has only seen her in the panto last year when dh gave the tickets.

I wouldn't mind but this year dd1 is in one pantomime. Ds1 is in another. SIL is taking her children to a pantomime further afield to watch. I am hurt. SIL is dd1s godmother but does not bother with her anymore.

Last night I happened to be discussing how upsetting this was, especially as my own father, who would have supported the children and watched them, died five years ago and apart from my mother no one ever goes to watch them. All the other children get extremely excited when they have family, friends and that in the audience and my children don't get to feel like that.

Dh overheard my conversation and shouted at me that I was being selfish. And his sister didn't want to see the local, professional, panto, the one dd is in because she didn't like any of the cast. What about her niece????

I am in two minds. I would so like to buy then tickets as their Christmas present so that they have to go but panto tickets aren't cheap and I can't really afford it. And I wouldn't be so upset if it weren't for the fact that they go to the theatre about twice a month, but never to watch the dc.

Sorry, just seen how long this post is.

Do they make any effort in seeing you outside of these activities?

No roses, and that is why it upsets me. In fact the only time they want to see dh is when they want him to do something (ie put a shelf up). These are people that live in the same street as us. Not hundreds of miles away.

I understand how you feel. But I don't think you will change anything so I think you just have to get over it, sorry.
My DDs are similar. Have both been in professional panto when younger and in fact DD1 was one of the dwarfs in Snow White one year in professional panto, for four gruelling weeks. Both have had solo roles with English Youth Ballet and similar.

Nobody except my friends comes to see them. My Dad has come once or twice to be fair, but no one else will come on my side. DH's parents will come occasionally but only if we buy the tickets. We do occasionally buy tickets for them because it's nice for the girls to have an audience, but can't afford it generally.

I have amazing friends who support my DDs tremendously and almost always come once if they are in something major (they wouldn't do festivals or dance school shows). I try to support their children in return.

We've just had to accept that a)it's not everyone's cup of tea b) it costs them money they'd rather pay on other things and most importantly c)it's just not as monumental a deal to other family members that they are in these things as it is to me. If DD1 goes on to be a professional ballet dancer - which looks likely (thankfully DD2 is being persuaded down the science route!) - then she won't have an audience day in day out, it will just be a job. So I've encouraged them to be philosophical over it. I actually think it's better for them if it's not made too much of a fuss over - if they really do go on to do it professionally they will be one of many, will have to work very hard for very little, and will have to get used to a distinct lack of accolation.

I do feel your pain - I've felt it too - but I think YABU to mention your feelings to others.

how often do you nip in and see them?

I get this op and I dont think YABU

all you want is for your in laws to show a bit of interest in your kids, whats wrong with that?

...and if your dh shouts at you again tell him to eff off.

and lastly, I bet your SIL is jealous your kids are talented.

You're getting a right doing here from some posters for no real reason. I would be upset if my children's grandparents showed no interest in their achievements. Aunt less so but it must be irritating that she chose to go so far out of her way to a different panto. It is sad but there's probably not much you can do.

Your husband, however, is an arse. It's not selfish to want them to show interest and he shouldn't shout.

I think people are focusing on the panto but that's not the real issue. Personally I think it is odd for your SIL to go to a different panto, that's further away rather than the local one your child is in. However that's her choice and she's free to do that. I have lots of nieces and nephews but I don't see their shows, and I don't expect them to see my DCs at their activities - but I wouldn't miss their shows to go and watch something similar elsewhere.

It sounds as if you feel your ILs only wanted contact with your DCs until their own daughter had children. And that must hurt. Not sure what you do about it though.

I am in shock at the poster who felt that her own brother's child was nothing to do with her!
My daughter went to ballet for a year in the dim and distant. We lived miles away from our families.
All grandparents came to stay with us and attended and my daughter was the best dancer there!
Well, she wasn't and she decided she didn't want to be on stage again but there is no way anyone would have missed it.

My nieces and nephews acted in school plays; again we all attended.
I have a very talented niece who is a singer/ songwriter and I try to attend as many of her gigs as I can.
I would go to all the school nativity plays you can throw at me but in the school my grandchildren attend there is a limit of 2 tickets per child.

Sparkling, you are sad because your PIL are not interested in your family. If they called in regularly for a cuppa and your children felt really close to them you would understand if they said, 'Look we don't want to go to the Panto but we want to see all the photographs and hear all about it.'

All the performers that are feted, who act, play music, perform in so many different ways did not spring fully formed as adults from the arms of Dionysus. They will have practised and worked hard to perfect their craft, with, in many cases, the support of their parents.

And another thing, the 2 and 3 year olds I spent the day with yesterday gave a performance of the Billy Goats Gruff at the end of the day! Who cares that they felt sorry for the Troll as he didn't get any tea and fed him the goats!!

There have been some miserable buggers on this thread!

Thank you. The poster that asked how often I nip and see the ils, at least once a week. SIL maybe once a fortnight. I have to as I pay some money to them for Christmas clubs and things.

Tbh, I don't expect any different from them now. I was just venting. And I guess I was focusing on panto as its current and it did piss me off to be frank. But it's everything else really. It's the unfair treatment of my children compared with SILs. And this is a woman who, when out with dh and dd1 9 years ago did not correct people who referred to her as dds mummy. This is the auntie that turned up at the hospital less than 24 hours after dd was born and promptly tried to take over everything. And now she just doesn't care. At all.

Thank you earthymama. Loving the troll that was fed the goats!

I'm loving the stealth boast. "Look at all our money. We can fly around Europe just to see kids in pantos. We light cigars with twenty pound notes in front of poor people, too".

Wow, chip on your shoulder much, Friday?

I am sure that deep down they do care but people have busy lives, like you do, and maybe they have no idea how upset you are.

tbh I wouldn't take my own kids to go and watch their cousins performing in stage on a regular basis as they would be bored rigid.

we arnt a panto family and prefer sports events or other leisure activities.

I'm the opposite, I think they dont care and it shows in their behaviour. I have the same here and I believe actions speak louder than words. It is shite op, there no denying it..And a lot of the replies you've had here are shite too. You should be able to count on a bit of interest from your in laws, sadly thats often not the case.

And seriously, sort out your dh, if he shouts at you because you say something he doesn't like you need to have a word with him.

I'd love to see my nieces and nephews do stuff like this! Maybe i'm odd but i really enjoy watching children perform and sing. It is sad for your children that their relatives don't want to watch them. If you live in south west hertfordshire i'd happily become a surrogate auntie and come and watch them x

You are bound to get the pushy "stage mum" comments. Just ignore. It seems it's ok to take your DCs to Football/rugby/tennis etc and no one bats an eyelid but put your DCs on the stage and you are somehow saying "my child is special." this is rubbish, of course, and if they're good and it's their interest what's the problem?

FWIW, some of the worst pushy parenting I have ever witnessed is on the sidelines of the sports field. But how do people think that people get to be professional footballers, musicians, singers etc? Usually there's been a supportive/pushy parent (delete as applicable) behind them through their childhood enabling them to have opportunities.

However. YABU to expect others to be interested. I say this as the mum of a child in theatre school. I even have to put my foot down with DH sometimes as sitting through her performances is his worst nightmare. And it's his child! I wish others were interested, but they're not. So fair enough. ( I, too, lost my Dad 3 years ago, and he would have loved seeing her perform, so I get where you're coming from. )

Amazingly when DD gets to meet The Wanted or some other celeb at events she attends through performing, suddenly everyone is very interested, showing her photos to people and telling them how talented she is (basking in reflected glory.)

Sorry but I think YABU about the panto. When I was growing up I only had one parent come to my dancing shows, school performances etc. My DS's don't do performing arts although me and sometimes DH will go and see the nativity play at school.

YANBU if the grandparents are treating the GC unfairly though.

DowntonTrout that is EXACTLY it. Dh's family are the first to boast about their wonderful, talented granddaughter, but how the hell they KNOW she's talented is beyond me because they aren't interested in watching her themselves.

I would be embarrassed if I were them as they have people who have seen her perform tell them how good she is and they haven't really got a clue!

At the end of the day it is there loss. It's just sad for dd really.

Having spoken at length to dh about it in light the other nights row, I think really he is just as upset as I am that his parents in particular aren't interested in his kids. I think it came out wrong and he is sorry for shouting at me. He is very supportive of the kids, and he's embarrassed that his parents aren't.

Yanbu. I'm surprised a? most of the responses op. I can't imagine having grandparents unwilling to show their support regardless of how boring they find the shows. Your dc will always remember they never bothered even once in a blue moon. As a pp said they will reap what they sow.

This is one of the last things that upsets me with my parents.

Not that they don't come to my DC things so much - as IL are same for variety of reasons - but that the do go to everything that my DN and worse then go on and on about DN things to me and my DC.

We are lucky that we can usually get to most things but there are occasions when we can't and it doesn't help to hear DN has not only my parents but her fathers family there as well.

It doesn't feel very good either when my DC talk about their friends entire families turning out to the multiple performances or when they ask my parents to attend but they decline - because I can't fix it for my DC.

I try and focus on fact one of us usually gets there and get them to do the same.

It kind of sucks your DH think it selfish to want his family to take an interest in his DC - but perhaps he felt need to defend them rather than acknowledge the favoritism or perhaps he is frustrated cause he can't fix it doesn't see it as an issue especially if they were over involved before - you perhaps need to talk to him about it.

X-posts - good your sorted with your DH.

I do get the embarrassment I hate it when my IL pick up on some of my parents behavior hat has upset my DC.

I think you're R and UR!

I think expecting the grandparents (if local) to come and watch is reasonable. I think expecting SIL to is UR. There may be good reason why she wants to go to the other eg. we get offered cheap tickets for a panto through school-it's a panto that's miles away, there was at least 4 closer. Also she may feel if she goes to your dd's then she will have to go to your ds' otherwise there will be bad feeling.

I have 3 dc (13, 10 and 6) all are doing stage stuff. Luckily they're all in the same panto (amateur) and I chaperone, so there isn't a conflict of who to go and watch. They've all done this since they were 5yo. PIL usually come and see it (not too far) but my parents never have-they're a long way away. I don't feel that is any sign of them being less supportive.
I suspect if any of my dc got a big role (they're chorus/small parts at present) my parents would come and see. They did come to see dd in her first major production (Annie) but they don't generally.
I wouldn't expect my SIL's family to come, to be fair I've never asked, but I very much doubt they would. My dsis probably would come if they were close enough, but I wouldn't be upset if she chose to go to another.

I think the big issue is potentially money. I have 3dc who perform, although ds (the 6yo) is currently just the panto. They are not big performers, and we only go for local performances. This year, to go and see one performances each for one person, would have cost approximately £90-and that's with some of the productions having more than once child in. They may feel if they go to one, they'll have to go to them all.

It is hard when you're chaperoning and the children are talking about who's watching them. Some children seem to get every relative and friend and the kitchen sink coming. Heck, one child managed to get a teachers' outing from his school! And they're saying "we've booked out the whole front row!" or whatever. And another child has "granny tonight and grandpa tomorrow night" spread out so they feel someone's watching every night.

What I suggest you do is offer panto tickets for Christmas. Phone her up and say "I know you're going to another panto, and I know they're expensive, so I wondered if you'd like tickets for dd's panto for Christmas as a family?" Our family would love that as a present! If she says "no" then you know where you stand-she's not going to come and watch. But if she accepts then maybe there's other reasons behind her not choosing that one in the first place.

FWIW, some of the worst pushy parenting I have ever witnessed is on the sidelines of the sports field.

And indeed, it's hardly a secret that the authorities see that as a bad thing. The FA have been talking about it for ages, and by coincidence from this morning's Today programme running order:

0721 The Football Association is introducing a pilot scheme of educational courses intended to tackle misconduct by adults at youth level football. Colin Bridgford, chief executive of Manchester County Football Association, speaks to presenter Evan Davis.

What I suggest you do is offer panto tickets for Christmas.

This is a good tactic. She'll be put on the spot and it'll be rather difficult for her to refuse without looking mean, especially if there's email evidence of this. It'll be a much better victory than the one over the EWO.

Or alternatively, the OP could realise that the SIL should be free to go to whichever panto she wants.