"Selfish" of me to want Dh's family to care

[Sparklymommy]

Ok, so dh and I have been together thirteen years. We have four children, aged 10, 7, 6, and 4. Dd1 (10) was the first grandchild on every side and doted fought over by everyone in the early days.

All of my children are involved in performing arts and regularly perform in festivals, Shows, pantomimes. Dd1 is in her 5th pantomime this year. Dh's family have seen her once. Last year. When dh gave them the tickets.

In fact, in 8 years his parents have seen her in 2 dance school shows, 1 variety show and 1 pantomime. His sister (who now has 2 children herself) has only seen her in the panto last year when dh gave the tickets.

I wouldn't mind but this year dd1 is in one pantomime. Ds1 is in another. SIL is taking her children to a pantomime further afield to watch. I am hurt. SIL is dd1s godmother but does not bother with her anymore.

Last night I happened to be discussing how upsetting this was, especially as my own father, who would have supported the children and watched them, died five years ago and apart from my mother no one ever goes to watch them. All the other children get extremely excited when they have family, friends and that in the audience and my children don't get to feel like that.

Dh overheard my conversation and shouted at me that I was being selfish. And his sister didn't want to see the local, professional, panto, the one dd is in because she didn't like any of the cast. What about her niece????

I am in two minds. I would so like to buy then tickets as their Christmas present so that they have to go but panto tickets aren't cheap and I can't really afford it. And I wouldn't be so upset if it weren't for the fact that they go to the theatre about twice a month, but never to watch the dc.

Sorry, just seen how long this post is.

Do you or your DH invite you ILs in so that they can get to know your children better and so the cousins can play together?

I'd go and see my nieces & nephews without question.

OP you are not being unreasonable.

I'd probably go and see my nephews - but I've only two. Not four. And that's only one family. There are probably others in other families doing stuff. She'd really be setting herself up for very costly boredom and plenty of resentment about what she didn't do if she started going.

Do you support your SIL's children? Still no answer...

Friday16 very honest post but sums up what i reckon a lot of people are thinking. Schools must hate "theatre" mums, looks bad absence wise, children are tired or their minds elsewhere and they make tiger mothers look tame.

"Firstly a professional panto is NOTHING compared to a school dance show. The children in it all have to audition and they only take the very good ones to keep the standard high"

I think this must vary from area to area to area, Dancergirl. With two theatre towns within reasonably easy reach of our village, this seemed to be the bandwagon to be jumped on really popular around here a couple of years back.

Maybe that's just round here. There were reports of local authority funding cuts in the area to the arts, so maybe they were padding out their professional cast by recruiting half the local population!

Anyway, one Christmas no less that thirteen children from our area were appearing in 'professional' pantomimes. What with multiple performances, time off for rehearsal and all the travel, the village school decided enough was enough and refused to give permission for involvement the following year!

I love my niece and nephew (in their teens) dearly. I live quite close (about half an hour drive away). They have been in various drama and singing productions over the years. I have not been to one.

My sister has never asked me to, and I have not the slightest desire to.

YABU.

Is it possible that SIL resents the expectation that she should be going to watch your DCs in panto?

TBH you do sound very 'look at me, aren't my DC amazing' about this and, were you my SIL, I imagine this could become rather annoying.

You chose for your DCs to "perform", I think YABU to expect ANYONE to go and watch. Maybe MIL & SIL don't agree with children having "professional engagements"?

YABU.

Of course it's nice if family want to come but you can't force it. It sounds like your DCs have a lot on, and these things aren't cheap (as you say), do take time and can often be painful.

If it was a one off then it may be different but forcing family to come over and over again will only lead to resentment unless they really want to - especially for your SIL, who has her own DCs and probably already feels like there aren't enough hours in the day, especially around Christmas.

Blimey! Firstly I do not "expect" people to come and watch my children. I was upset that my husband had shouted at me about being disappointed that his family cannot find it in their hearts to support the (older, more experienced) dcs in panto. But it's not just panto, its everything. They have no interest in my children at all in the last 6 years when enforce that they were constantly trying to take my children and play happy families without me.

With regards to SILs children, they have no hobbies. If they did, yes I would support them/ watch them. I have invited Dh's family in, I have taken niece to events in the community and invited them to others that they have declined. That's up to them.

I guess the real issue here is that PIL show favouritism and my children don't understand why. It's not even about SIL and the pantomime. That peeves me but I don't expect anything else after a decade of it. It's more the attitude of PIL who have PROMISED the children in the past and then not shown up.

I accept the ruling of mumsnet that on this one I am being unreasonable.

Even parents don't really enjoy kids on stage - they enjoy their own child, but it's not like people are queuing up to watch other people's children in pantomimes. I wouldn't expect grandparents and aunts/uncles to be all that fussed at all. It's kids in costumes wailing out of tune. Or being stage-school kids, which is actually less fun.

I did acting and pantos and dance and all that as a kid, up until I was 16. My extended family didn't come and only occasionally watched the stuff I did on TV, because at the end of the day it was something fun for me, not something to subject other people too. It's still just a squeaky 8 year old with a distant stare in their eye.

But you do expect tem otherwise you wouldn't be upset.
The SIL has to pay to watch the show you have admitted the tickets are expensive so instead she has found a panto that she prefers to spend money on that's completely fair to me.

I did many proffesional dance/stage shows in my youth it was important to me that my parents watched and supported me, it was nice when granny turned up but I certainly wasn't upset if other family members never saw the show.
This sounds very much your problem rather than the kids or DH, you are unhappy with your relationship with in laws so seem to be focusing on this issue nd giving it mre importance than it deserves.

I adore all my many nieces and nephews but I would rather sick hot needles under my fingernails than sit through a panto just because they had a part in it. YABU. I had years of watching and supporting my own children do this stuff and it never occurred to me to ask my parents and siblings to attend.

YANBU that the PILs should not treat your DCs less favourably than their other grandchildren. I think if you'd asked about this in your OP then most people would have agreed that wasn't on, unless you / your DH are somehow pushing them away. But I do think expecting people to spend a lot of money on a show just because your children are in it is a bit unreasonable. Especially when you have 4 children all performing who should be treated equally.

In all honesty I think you're just going to have to accept the fact that they may care but they're not particularly interested and move on.
My PILS have 5 Gc's, 3 are mine. They go to my neice's gym displays and to see my nephew in some of his concerts. They have never been to see (or shown particular interest in) DD1's Brownie shows, and have been to watch DS playing Cricket a handful of times (this one I accept fully, even junior cricket drags on a bit!). It doesn't mean that they don't care at all, they love all of their grandchildren to bits and it did upset me for a while. Now it doesn't because I made myself not be bothered. The DC's aren't bothered either because we show that it doesn't upset us.

Well I disagree with the majority, it's not selfish of you to want them to care.

My parents flew to Italy to watch their GDs in their school plays! Where one of them got stage fright and didn't say a word. And about 20 members of their Italian rellies went.

If they were in a proper panto we'd probably fly over en masse. And if they lived locally we'd all be there, guaranteed. I'd be so excited for them. DP's family would be the same. No-one would go to a different panto instead, wtf?

If they were in a proper panto we'd probably fly over en masse

I'm loving the stealth boast. "Look at all our money. We can fly around Europe just to see kids in pantos. We light cigars with twenty pound notes in front of poor people, too".

Thank you chipshop and everyone else who has disagreed with the majority. It is probably my problem more ham the kids. They occasionally will get upset but I guess I brood over it.

Friday it is your opinion that panto is dull and stage mums are pushy. For the record MOST of the "stage mums" that I know are not as pushy as you would think.

My children WANT to perform. I am not pushing them into it. I would sometimes rather that they didn't as it costs me an arm and a leg! However, I will support them in that ambition. Dd1 in particular is adamant that she wants to be in the west end. Two shows a day for a few weeks is not as bad as it sounds. And they enjoy it. They play between shows, they make friends and they get an awful lot out of it.

As for the pp who stated their school had refused permission for children to be involved, I think you'll find that without exceptional circumstances (ie behind with schoolwork/ extremely low attendance/ bad behaviour record) they would find it very difficult to refuse. Children have to have a performance license, and once licensed the school have to allow the time off for rehearsals and performances. As dds school found out after trying to say they weren't allowed to authorise time off for anything anymore.

A costly hobby is a very mixed blessing! DS's cricket gear is around £150per season, and that's with a discount on the bloody bat...
honestly sparkly it might take a while but it does get less upsetting as long as you train yourself to not expect anything.
As an aside I would think that a child being involved in something like this would be looked on very favourably by OFSTED as it reflects well on the school?

You'd think so but apparently Gove in all his wisdom believes if a child is not say behind a desk they cannot possibly be learning anything! Whole other issue.

We contacted central government about it in the summer as I was so close to removing dd1 from school and home educating her. We had a rather disastrous meeting with the EWO who basically kept going round in circles and eventually had to back down. She even said exams would not be authorised as she couldn't see the "educational" benefit of them! My ten year old has already accrued UCAS points from her ballet exams!!!! We very politely pointed out they could be the difference between a place at her choice of UNI or not.

We won in the end but it was touch and go as to whether or not dd1 was returning to school in September.

YABU

Your children have a hobby that you support and that's lovely. That's what parents do. But you can't expect everyone else to be so keen. Panto isn't everyone's cup of tea. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than go to one, to be honest. We are a close family, with doting grandparents and a young, doting aunt. My MIL has been to a couple of things, but my FIL and SIL haven't, because of time constraints, or ticket availability or work. I haven't been to any show of my niece and nephew and their parents haven't been to any of DS1's things. It wouldn't occur to us to expect it.

Your DD is dancing - she isn't a lead character, and no doubt your SIL has chosen a panto with leading cast that she thinks her children will like to see. It's a bit much to expect her to drag her children to a show where they have no interest in the main cast, just because their cousin is dancing in it.

If there are issues about favouritism, then that's another problem altogether. But they could be the most attached grandparents and aunt in the world, and still not want to go to the panto!

The other thing is, who were you discussing it with when you say your husband overheard?

It wasn't the children, was it? Because that might explain why he was annoyed.

It wouldn't bother me about SIL, but it would bother me about PIL, maybe not the panto but certainly they could see her in a show once a year or something.

I know my PIL's would never come to see mine in their sports, after all they didn't watch their own son in any of his ever!

We very politely pointed out they could be the difference between a place at her choice of UNI or not.

You don't really understand how UCAS points work, do you? Ah well.

So many needles in eyes...under nails..hot ones too. It's only a panto people lighten up, it's a bit of trashy fun not the end of the world.