"Selfish" of me to want Dh's family to care

[Sparklymommy]

Ok, so dh and I have been together thirteen years. We have four children, aged 10, 7, 6, and 4. Dd1 (10) was the first grandchild on every side and doted fought over by everyone in the early days.

All of my children are involved in performing arts and regularly perform in festivals, Shows, pantomimes. Dd1 is in her 5th pantomime this year. Dh's family have seen her once. Last year. When dh gave them the tickets.

In fact, in 8 years his parents have seen her in 2 dance school shows, 1 variety show and 1 pantomime. His sister (who now has 2 children herself) has only seen her in the panto last year when dh gave the tickets.

I wouldn't mind but this year dd1 is in one pantomime. Ds1 is in another. SIL is taking her children to a pantomime further afield to watch. I am hurt. SIL is dd1s godmother but does not bother with her anymore.

Last night I happened to be discussing how upsetting this was, especially as my own father, who would have supported the children and watched them, died five years ago and apart from my mother no one ever goes to watch them. All the other children get extremely excited when they have family, friends and that in the audience and my children don't get to feel like that.

Dh overheard my conversation and shouted at me that I was being selfish. And his sister didn't want to see the local, professional, panto, the one dd is in because she didn't like any of the cast. What about her niece????

I am in two minds. I would so like to buy then tickets as their Christmas present so that they have to go but panto tickets aren't cheap and I can't really afford it. And I wouldn't be so upset if it weren't for the fact that they go to the theatre about twice a month, but never to watch the dc.

Sorry, just seen how long this post is.

but op in your post you said that the GP have seen your dd perform in 4 shows in 8 years?

that sounds fairly supportive to me considering the tickets are expensive?

as for you sil, honestly I see you are hurt but of course the first baby causes a tremendous fuss but as other children and grandchildren come along then it all shakes down.

your sil has her own kids now and perhaps hers arnt as confident as your kids so it would be natural I think for her to concentrate in what they like to do.

my own 4 kids had diverse leisure intersects and hobbies but not once did I expect their grandparents or aunties to come and watch. they did a few times but not much.

putting this kindly perhaps your sil is fed up of hearing how talented your kids are ( GP boasting) ??

mmmm what's a nice idea is to give people the Christmas present they want not what you think they should want!!

have you thought their may be other reasons why they don't want to sit for hours in a theatre? my dh gets panic attacks and couldn't do this at all but wouldn't want that shared in his family. I would find it difficult as I have back issues.

there may be things here you don't know about.

She'll be put on the spot and it'll be rather difficult for her to refuse without looking mean

Again, you can picture the thread:

"AIBU? My sister-in-law has never been good at buying Christmas presents, but this year she's excelled herself. I've spent the last three years avoiding going to the pantos that her children are in, I though without making it too obvious, but now she's bought me tickets as my Christmas present! If she'd bought me an M&S sweater I didn't like I'd have returned it and got something more to my taste, or just put it in my wardrobe, not worn it and quietly given it to Cancer Research or regifted it. But what do I do with these ticket? Is it OK to just not go?"

Friday, your posts on this thread are really quite spectacularly unpleasant. Is it truly necessary to post in such a snide and aggressive manner to anyone expressing a viewpoint that happens to differ from your own?

OP, I see what you're saying. Your in-laws seem to have no interest in your kids, and that is always going to be upsetting. And your husband shouting at you when you're sad about it isn't going to help, either. If it's any consolation, my own mother was busily rearranging her schedule to attend DS' Nativity play, when each family is only allowed two tickets - I had to ask which of his parents she planned to supplant! And poor DS hates being in any such activity and would rather not be there at all. The problems change, but we all have 'em.

I would be sad as well, though. It's hard when family isn't close, especially this time of year. My MIL isn't that bothered by DS, only his father, and to date we have managed to hide that from him. As he gets older, that'll get harder - he's already pleading to have her for Xmas day and she doesn't want to come, because she doesn't want to risk his dad opting out of his 3 nights visiting her in her house, alone. It's a shame, really, as she's also very lonely.

For the record Friday I give exceptionally well thought out presents. Unlike Dh's family.

A visit to the theatre to enjoy a play is not the same as a trip to the local panto.

Dear OP,the only person who would feel like you and have sustained the interest would have been your own mother.Sorry she is not here.

My life was like your daughter's from a very young age.It is hard for others to realize how over- encompassing of one's life, dancing is at this level.

My mother actually discouraged an audience to counter a bigheaded attitude and avoid being bullied for being 'other'

Your girl will dance in spite of everything,because she must and is lucky to have you to nurture her talent. The family is peripheral to this.

I think that the reason your DH shouted at you is likely to be because he, too, finds it hurtful that his family don't show as much interest as they could, but he would probably like to try to not dwell on it and keep a positive mindset, and your negative brooding really doesn't help at all.

Sorry, Sparkly I think YABU.

I think that getting relatives who love watching your kids perform is a happy bonus but not guaranteed.

If my SIL asked me to watch her DCs perform I would go and I'd tell her I'd enjoyed it (as I am not a bitch) but in reality I'd rather chew my own arm off.

Please bear in mind that just because relatives look pleased to watch your kids dance when you visit (as another poster mentioned upthread) it doesn't mean they are. I'm thrilled my nieces enjoy ballet and I can see dancing makes them very happy. But I honestly thought my BIL and SIL were fucking loons for thinking I wanted to watch the 2 hour DVD of their dance show. But I did out of politeness and I'm sure they think I enjoyed it.

Your kids are nowhere near as interesting to other people as they are to you. I'm sure your mum would have been fabulously interested but it is hit and miss (mainly miss) whether ILs will be.

As you have 4 DCs who all perform she may feel that if she agrees to one, there will be a request soon about each of the 3 she hasn't seen. I'm not sure her picking a different panto is that odd either - presumably your DC has a very small part, it could be a long time watching something she doesn't enjoy for 5 minutes of your DC.

there is no point on posting on aibu if you think you arnt is there.

some posters completely agree with you while others are offering you suggestions/ opinions that you may not like but may be true.

I agree with kundry and while I can see you are hurt it's just as good to get others views, and consider them properly rather than dismiss them out of hand.

I can see your point but I think I can see your sil/ GP views

too.

it doesn't make any of you right or wrong it's just personal choice.

It's like a haiku gone mad!

It's like a haiku gone mad!

Children in panto
Family don't want to go
What should I do next?

You've even got a seasonal word in there - if panto counts as seasonal- nice work.

My interpretation is:

Grandparents prefer
Sister in laws kids
It sucks.

That's not a haiku is it.

"It is hard for others to realize how over- encompassing of one's life, dancing is at this level."

In the local panto?