"Selfish" of me to want Dh's family to care

[Sparklymommy]

Ok, so dh and I have been together thirteen years. We have four children, aged 10, 7, 6, and 4. Dd1 (10) was the first grandchild on every side and doted fought over by everyone in the early days.

All of my children are involved in performing arts and regularly perform in festivals, Shows, pantomimes. Dd1 is in her 5th pantomime this year. Dh's family have seen her once. Last year. When dh gave them the tickets.

In fact, in 8 years his parents have seen her in 2 dance school shows, 1 variety show and 1 pantomime. His sister (who now has 2 children herself) has only seen her in the panto last year when dh gave the tickets.

I wouldn't mind but this year dd1 is in one pantomime. Ds1 is in another. SIL is taking her children to a pantomime further afield to watch. I am hurt. SIL is dd1s godmother but does not bother with her anymore.

Last night I happened to be discussing how upsetting this was, especially as my own father, who would have supported the children and watched them, died five years ago and apart from my mother no one ever goes to watch them. All the other children get extremely excited when they have family, friends and that in the audience and my children don't get to feel like that.

Dh overheard my conversation and shouted at me that I was being selfish. And his sister didn't want to see the local, professional, panto, the one dd is in because she didn't like any of the cast. What about her niece????

I am in two minds. I would so like to buy then tickets as their Christmas present so that they have to go but panto tickets aren't cheap and I can't really afford it. And I wouldn't be so upset if it weren't for the fact that they go to the theatre about twice a month, but never to watch the dc.

Sorry, just seen how long this post is.

I think yabu abot sil and this panto - however I'm completely with you about the grandparents.

I'm in the same situation- would love dh family to be more involved with the kids but they won't (but they do with the cousins) sigh. It's really galling so I sympathize.

"what's the matter with that? Theatre and Film in general is big business,"

There's nothing the matter with that. But a fundamental part of being a business is accepting that some people think your product is shit. McDonalds are a big business. That doesn't mean I have to eat there, even if my sister-in-law's child is serving behind the counter.

Criticising the parents of children aged 5 and under for the children's lack of hobbies is a bit mean.

This thread is reminding me how much I loved taking part in the village pantomime when I was a child (and no, my grandparents didn't come to see me, nor indeed did my father) and how incredibly bored I was when I was taken to the panto as an audience member.

It's a bit different Friday, sparkly's SIL is going to a Panto, just not the one that the OP's DD is in. I don't much like Panto myself, years of being in the buggers (amateur) have put me right off but I would put myself out occasionally to go and watch a family member doing her turn in one.
She has said she doesn't want everyone going to everything, what is up with putting yourself out just once or twice for a member of your own family? It can bloody hurt, especially when you are well aware that other grandchildren do get more time and attention from people like Grandparents. A I said to Sparkly up thread, it takes time but you can stop yourself from being upset about it and transferring that hurt onto your children. Which is sad in itself I suppose...

If so, perhaps your DH could explain to all the ILs that you are really not bothered about them watching the 'performing' stuff (such as the professional panto stuff), as long as they become more involved with your children in ordinary family ways

"As long as they become more involved"? That won't make him sound like a loon in any way. "Sis, my wife is very upset that you won't go to the pantomime that she has the kids in. Yes, I know you're not interested. Yes, I know it's expensive. Yes, I know it's probably rubbish. Yes, I know you'd rather spend time with your own children. But it really matters to her what her sister-in-law thinks, you see...yes, I know...yes..."

You can see the thread now. "AIBU to think that my brother is a massive bellend? He's just phoned told me to say his sister-in-law is disappointed that we haven't gone to the hideous pantomimes that she has their children prancing around in, but we can only redeem ourselves by promising to take their children to discos and picnics? Why can't they parent their own children and leave the rest of us out of it?"

The problem with going to see one child means that it's very hard to say no to the other 3, and the same child next Christmas.

Easier just to say no to everyone rather than potentially picking and choosing.

Be honest. Is there any possibility AT ALL that the reason they don't drop in on their way past is that you're all a bit showbiz?

Have you ever been guilty of saying things like "Come on DD! Let auntie X see the dance you're practising for The Show!"

When people come to visit have they ever been confronted by your manically grinning brood all giving it jazz hands?

Seriously, I do think you're being a bit U. For all the reasons already given.

Sparkly, I understand your hurt. My kids do this kind of thing to a lesser degree with a really good local theatre company. My brother looked at me like I had two heads when I asked him if he would like to come. I find it really hard to understand, because if it was my niece or nephew that I'd watched grow up, I'd love to see them on stage. Then again I am probably a theatre mum to be sneered at by the likes of friday16 or whatever she's called.
That said when relatives do come ( and some of them are very supportive and - gasp - even enjoy themselves), I always pay for their tickets.

My brother and SiL bought their DD a phone and gave her my number, I have since been bombarded with a child's "important" text messages since they did this.

But when I asked them to get her to stop I was selfish.

I do not want "drivel" texted to my phone and would not want to see plays, pantomimes and singing recitals.

They are not my kids, there is no law to say that I have to show an interest, (especially when they are a PITA).

They are your kids no-one else has to love or cherish them.

I always went to my DNeices professional performances, guest stars et al.
However I adore them and it was a pleasure for DC and I to go. I used to collect them afterwards too to give their poor mum a break.
Sounds like SIL is none too keen on your kids but it is not obligatory for her to be interested. It would be nice if she were, but she isn't.
I would stop setting myself up for this by never asking her again.

Registered just to say

Friday16. Thank you. Actually made me laugh aloud (admittedly with ).

BFF's?

Frankly I think Friday's sounding quite bitter. I can't work out whether she hates children, theatre or children in theatre but assuming that a professional production is just a bunch of children prancing around and is 'hideous' is a little strange. There are plenty of professional productions that include children around at the moment and many people do enjoy them.
Honestly I'd like to think that only on MN is it considered to be weird to put yourself out for family occasionally, it seems to be sneered at on every occasion!

OP, when I was reading your original post, one line struck me: especially as my own father, who would have supported the children and watched them, died five years ago and apart from my mother no one ever goes to watch them. This reads to me that, because your father has died (and I am sorry about that), you think your DH's family should do more. I would never use emotional blackmail like this with my DH's family, as both my parents have died. Why should they?! A despicable thing to say...

But she didn't actually say that she thinks her IL's should do more because her Dad died though.
Sparkly I actually read your OP thinking you were being U in all honesty but I genuinely do see that you have a point. Sadly I don't think there's anything you can do about it.
I'm bowing out, way too much bitterness on this thread.

She hasn't used emotional blackmail tho has she? She's just gutted that the grandparent who would have loved to be there isn't, and the others can't be arsed.

But she didn't actually say that she thinks her IL's should do more because her Dad died though. That is exactly what has had said. She is upset they don't come and watch, especially as her father has died.

She's just gutted that the grandparent who would have loved to be there isn't, and the others can't be arsed
It reads in her post that there isn't anyone else to watch them, so her DH's family need to fill that void. It is unfair of her to say this, even if it as not been directly said to them. One can't expect SIL to see more performances for this reason.

"You can see the thread now. "AIBU to think that my brother is a massive bellend?"

     <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png">    <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png">    <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png">

YABU. You really can't expect other people to be bothered about your children's hobbies and them wanting to go to a different panto is entirely reasonable.

You're also BU with your comment about them not having any hobbies, but the oldest is only 5?! It's quite normal for preschoolers to not have hobbies you know. I realise this hasn't been your experience, but not everybody feels the need to push their kids into things introduce hobbies so young.

Crikey!... Reading about exams...I hope my daughter's school allows her time off school to attend her Grade 8 Flute exam when the time comes, in the very near future! She needs it for both her A level Music course and for when she goes to Uni to do (hopefully) a Music Degree!! I hope that is considered "educational"!

Looking at the posts, I'd say friday16 clearly won the thread. But I would give an honourable mention to this hilarious contribution:

When people come to visit have they ever been confronted by your manically grinning brood all giving it jazz hands?

I can't say I've ever really thought about asking my parents or ILs to go to any of my children's events. Isn't that a parent's job really? dd really enjoys acting and singing and some of her fellow performers have lots of family support, and that's obviously very nice, but I don't think it's the norm. Sometimes dd has been lucky to have either me or her dad there.

Also there are mixed opinions about whether or not it is a good idea to push kids into too much performing. I'd certainly be very wary of my children missing a lot of school, certainly to the extent that an EWO was involved, and if one of my close relatives was doing so I'm not sure I would support them at all.

Maybe the OP's ILs are a bit put off by the whole thing? Perhaps the drama stuff is why they don't see her children so much? It must be a bit of an extreme hobby to have EWO involvement and four year olds in multiple performances, it might just really not be their thing?

No, SILs children have, up to now, never done anything. Oldest is 5, and in reception. She never went to pre-school, and does very little.

IMO 5 year olds should be doing very little other than enjoying being 5 year olds.

DS is 4, he does rugby for 45 minutes a week and that is it for anything "extra curricular" he goes to pre-school because it is what fits in with us.

I think its strange to comment about a lack of activities for under 5s, I also think its strange to expect a family with children under 5 to want to come and watch a panto just because your children are in it.

And yes, I know I am a complete bitch, but stage mothers can be a little blinkered.

I can see why you want them to care but they are who they are and you can't change that. I'm so glad we don't have anyone like you and yours in my family though stage performances are my idea of hell. I sit through my own kids performing but I wouldn't expect anyone else to. I fell asleep during the last professional panto we watched with cubs it was painful.

Those of you saying my comment about SILs kids not doing anything is bitchy, it is not meant that way. I was asked if I attend their performances. Up till now they haven't done any, but I would attend if they did. I am aware that not all children start hobbies a early as my children have.

I am sure to some that I do come across as a pushy stage mummy. Maybe I am. But no, when people visit they are not confronted with jazz hands and have to endure watching dances. For a start we do not have the space to practise dances in our house!!!

The EWO only got involved because when the new 'rules' about term time holidays came in I went to ask the head about how that would affect dds panto/exams etc. when I was told that she shouldn't bother auditioning because it would not be authorised I went above the county EWO and emailed Micheal Goves department direct for clarification. The EWO then told me that government were wrong and she wouldn't honour it until I told her that in that case I would be removing dd from school to home educate.

Thank you to the posters who have been sympathetic. I am not, and have never, said that because my father is no longer here Dh's family should fill the void but I guess at this time of year I miss him all the more.