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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Selfish" of me to want Dh's family to care

165 replies

Sparklymommy · 27/11/2013 20:59

Ok, so dh and I have been together thirteen years. We have four children, aged 10, 7, 6, and 4. Dd1 (10) was the first grandchild on every side and doted fought over by everyone in the early days.

All of my children are involved in performing arts and regularly perform in festivals, Shows, pantomimes. Dd1 is in her 5th pantomime this year. Dh's family have seen her once. Last year. When dh gave them the tickets.

In fact, in 8 years his parents have seen her in 2 dance school shows, 1 variety show and 1 pantomime. His sister (who now has 2 children herself) has only seen her in the panto last year when dh gave the tickets.

I wouldn't mind but this year dd1 is in one pantomime. Ds1 is in another. SIL is taking her children to a pantomime further afield to watch. I am hurt. SIL is dd1s godmother but does not bother with her anymore.

Last night I happened to be discussing how upsetting this was, especially as my own father, who would have supported the children and watched them, died five years ago and apart from my mother no one ever goes to watch them. All the other children get extremely excited when they have family, friends and that in the audience and my children don't get to feel like that.

Dh overheard my conversation and shouted at me that I was being selfish. And his sister didn't want to see the local, professional, panto, the one dd is in because she didn't like any of the cast. What about her niece????

I am in two minds. I would so like to buy then tickets as their Christmas present so that they have to go but panto tickets aren't cheap and I can't really afford it. And I wouldn't be so upset if it weren't for the fact that they go to the theatre about twice a month, but never to watch the dc.

Sorry, just seen how long this post is.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 27/11/2013 21:49

Maybe your SIL's kids decided they'd rather go and see the other one?

so they didn't have to sit oohing and aaahing at each appearance of their cousin

Sirzy · 27/11/2013 21:55

but with pantos prices can be very variable from one show to the next and different shows will appeal more to different families - DS wants to go and see peter pan so I wouldn't waste money on a different one no matter who was in it.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 27/11/2013 21:55

I know there are other things going on here, but Y really ABU with this one. Would you pay out lots of money at this time of year to see something you weren't keen on seeing?

Then there is the issue of seeing one child in something so to make it fair they have to see the others, it all adds up.

friday16 · 27/11/2013 21:57

A professional pantomime, with (ghastly word) celebrity stars. Proper theatres with two teams of dancing children alternating shows. Two shows a day for four week runs.

I wouldn't go to see my own children in tat like that, never mind other people's.

I'm upset because SIL is going to watch a pantomime, the one twenty miles away as apposed to the local one that her niece is in 6 miles away.

Perhaps she'd rather watch the panto (God knows why) than be expected to pay detailed attention to the actions of a child at the back of the stage.

Theatre mothers. Jesus. Get over yourself.

Dancergirl · 27/11/2013 22:00

Hmm, I'm a bit on the fence here.

Yes it might be a bit boring for some people to watch, but it's not really about the show is it? It's about being part of an (extended) family and showing members of that family that you support them.

Sometimes in families you have to do things you wouldn't choose to do.

Salmotrutta · 27/11/2013 22:01

I sat through enough "dance shows", school productions, brownie/cub stuff to last me a lifetime tbh.

Wild horses wouldn't have dragged me to a niece or nephews appalling "professional" pantomime.

HumphreyCobbler · 27/11/2013 22:02

I would want to see my niece or nephew perform. Even in an amateur show I would make the effort. If it happened all the time I probably wouldn't go to everything, but I would go to some of them and be very proud of them.

Salmotrutta · 27/11/2013 22:02

I sat through enough of my own DCs performances I mean...

Dancergirl · 27/11/2013 22:05

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. Firstly a professional panto is NOTHING compared to a school dance show. The children in it all have to audition and they only take the very good ones to keep the standard high.

I don't think the OP is being a theatre mum. I don't think she saying 'look at my wonderful performing children'. I think she's sad that her dc don't have the same family support that other cast members have.

mercibucket · 27/11/2013 22:06

if it was gymnastics, swimming, karate, would you get your knickers in a twist if they didnt go and watch?
some families do, some dont
panto might be a big family fun event for them that they dont want overshadowed by having to admire the small relative dancing around?

Abra1d · 27/11/2013 22:07

I go to see my own children perform but try very hard never to go and see other people's. Or any kind of pantomine of any description.

Salmotrutta · 27/11/2013 22:07

If every cast member has hordes of family coming I'd be very surprised...

justmyview · 27/11/2013 22:09

If I was in the mood for a pantomime and one of my nieces was performing, I'd try to see that one

If I wanted to see a particular pantomime, I'd see that show, whether my niece was involved or not

If I went to see one niece perform, then I'd feel obliged to watch the others too - a tall order if it involves shows all year round

HumphreyCobbler · 27/11/2013 22:10

If it was a gymnastic display no one would be going to a DIFFERENT gymnastic display in a different place though.

And I would go to a gymnastic display if my niece was in it.

I don't think I am that strange am I? In wanting to share stuff with my extended family?

friday16 · 27/11/2013 22:11

It's about being part of an (extended) family and showing members of that family that you support them.

No it isn't. Theatre mothers are nuisance, because they make their obsessions into unanswerable moral claims. If a relative of mine had their child dancing in a professional (ie, other people getting paid) production "Two shows a day for four week runs." I'd be much more concerned about the vast amount of school, and play, and running around, that they were missing than about the tat they were appearing in. And if asked, I'd say so. So I wouldn't in the slightest support it, nor would I want to give any impression that I did. I'm not sure I'd go as far as calling a relative on it, but I certainly wouldn't collude in it either, and I absolutely wouldn't attend unless it was something I was going to anyway (unlikely, if it's panto).

mercibucket · 27/11/2013 22:11

but it is their hobby, just like gymnastics

or could they not go watch man u because their neohew plays saturday footie league?

Salmotrutta · 27/11/2013 22:12

No, you're not strange Humphrey - but then neither are we for not wanting too.

Nor is the OPs SIL.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/11/2013 22:12

Do you go to watch your Sil's children take part in their activities, Sparklymommy?

friday16 · 27/11/2013 22:12

Firstly a professional panto is NOTHING compared to a school dance show.

Indeed. A school dance show is shorter, cheaper and has the excuse that most of the cast don't know any better.

mercibucket · 27/11/2013 22:13

Grin friday16

Salmotrutta · 27/11/2013 22:14

whispers: panto is rather awful isn't it?

Dancergirl · 27/11/2013 22:15

You sound like a bundle of laughs friday

HumphreyCobbler · 27/11/2013 22:15

man u and saturday football league are different levels though - the OP makes the point that the two pantomime are BOTH professional. We should not be assuming that it is crap just because it has a child in it, all pantomimes do.

Salmotrutta · 27/11/2013 22:18

Would we do a Venn Diagram maybe?

All pantos are crap.

All pantos are shows.

And some shows that arent pantos are also crap.

mercibucket · 27/11/2013 22:19

well the op says that
i am not sure i believe it
maybe the sil doesn't either?
maybe they just dont want to see that panto? entirely reasonable