Mil sharing private family news.

[Mapleissweet]

Dc3 was recently admitted to hospital with a chest infection. He is only little, so they kept him in for 36 hours to keep an eye on him and give him some oxygen.
My mil helped out by popping in and taking the dd and ds to school, which was a help so that dh could be with me at the hospital.
We didn't tell dc1 and 2 that dc3 was in hospital as we didn't want to worry them and we were unsure about what was happening
However, when taking dc to school mil has told people and the teaching staff that dc3 was in hospital. There was absolutely no need for mil to tell anyone, dc3 had only just been admitted, we hadn't told the other dc and it is our private family business. It's not that I don't necessarily want people to know, I just feel it is not her place to tell people at school who she barely knows. It is for me and dh to choose when and if to tell people.
I think mil revels in drama and particular medical stuff, which is fine if it is her or fil business, but not if it's mind.
Subsequently upon return we have had numerous teachers and people at school asking about it.
I'm obviously a little sensitive at the moment . I just don't think it's mil place to tell the tiger moms and teachers at school.
Aibu?

Fair enough sparkling.

I realise it may make me sound awful, but I don't think I am Cailin, I just share stuff now with people I know and trust, I'm not on FB either so just stay under the radar IYKWIM.

Sparkling - what will you do if your children want to share bits of family life at school - my mum's not well, my dad's in hospital, that kind of thing.

Or do you tell your children to share nothing about your life, just in case someone gossips?

You see, I can't see how the fact you no longer do the school run has solved your 'problem', unless you have sworn your children to secrecy. Have you?

My mum would of told the world, she loves a bit if drama and gossip, especially if it's medical.

I know she doesn't do it maliciously and with bad intentions she just can't keep her mouth shut with any info - important or not.

I just accept that anything I tell my mum will be public knowledge within hours and therefore if I was to ask her to help me out in the sand way you did with MIL I'd of had the same thing happen.

But as I know it would happen , I really wouldn't be offended or upset. I accept that she will gossip dramatically. If I really wanted something kept secret I'd ask someone else for help.

In your shoes I would thank her for her help and accept she likes to chat, possibly even dramatise events, and just rethink asking her in the future if this has upset you a lot.

I have had a think about it ithaka. DS1 (14) goes to school 12 miles away, I rarely see another parent. I wouldn't mind if DS1 told his school friends anything, although being a self obsessed teen he probably wouldn't. I don't much care if people I don't know want to gossip.
DS2 (11) much the same really, on his bike.

So I think my problem is with parents outside the school gates who I know. I don't see anyone that may want to interrogate me about anything the DC may say any more.

I generally share stuff with people I want to know now IYKWIM.

I have only read the first and last but I really can't understand why the fact that DC3 had gone into hospital was a secret. I think you should have told your other dc the honest truth otherwise they would worry in the future about what was going on in secret in the family.

People ask out of concern and I think your MIL behaved completely normally. In fact you are lucky you had your MIL to call on. In those circumstances I'd have taken the baby on my own and DH would have had to stay at home to look after the other DC. It isn't like a family member had been diagnosed with cancer and you wanted and needed to gently tell the children or that you had had an early miscarriage or anything like that.

It wasn't even anything deeply personal or potentially embarrassing. At our DC's schools people knew who we were, where we lived, what we drove, when the DC were ill, when our dad's died, etc. etc.

But then I don't understand why people have to keep basic facts secret and it makes me suspicious of them and wonder what else they are secretive or devious about.

Skimmed the thread now. The bit I find extraordinary OP is that you say you are secretive but you told your MIL you were pg at 8 weeks and then got grumpy when she told other people.d I regard myself as entirely open but I didn't tell anyone other than DH that I was pg before 14 weeks and that included my own mother.

I'm confused now about what what being private actually means to you because the bit about the hospital admission wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest.

You sound like a very shy, introverted person OP - apologies if I'm reading that wrong.

As odd as you find your MIL to be, telling all and sundry; she will no doubt find you odd, not interacting with others, sharing news, and just generally enjoying shooting the breeze with other human beings.

You're clearly just very different people.

This is the sort of thing that fills me with dread about being a MIL one day, and just never being able to get it right ?ith my DIL.

You even have no idea when you're getting it wrong, nor quite why you're getting it wrong. But you'd better believe you're getting it well and truly wrong...!

Are you not storing up problems for the future if you consider a chest infection "private family business"

Would you want to know if your dd or ds was in an abusive relationship. How would you feel if they didn't tell you anything because you had brought them up to consider that telling someone what was happening was frowned upon. What would you do if your dd was raped and she didn't tell anyone because she had been raised to think that anything more than a chest infection was "private family business".

In all families there should be no private family business, there should be no secrets. The gossip only starts when you try to hide things that are minor.

I could be your MIL, but having said that so could my children. That is how I have raised them. We talk about everything
I do not speak to my own mother as she was like you. I was always checking myself so I wouldn't let anything slip, anything that might let someone know some minor detail of my life, consequently I grew up with no real friends as I had to keep everyone at arms length. Everything had to be kept secret.

"You speculate over it Cailin and show pretend concern.'

Show 'pretend concern' over a poorly baby? Bloody hell, you must know some monsterous people! How would you even do that? Surely your real concern would overcome the pretend concern before you had said 2 words?

There's a heavy burden of silence on the kids too, presumably?

DD1 came back from school a few years ago agog at the fact X had had 'his kidney out'. Oh dear, I said, how awful, must ask X's mum and dad if they need a hand with the other children, food round etc*....it turned out to be an appendix.

*please note that this is, in reality, what normal people do when aware that someone else is in crisis. Not 'speculate and pretend concern'.

Maybe the reason the other children weren't told was so that they wouldn't "share private family news"?

I can't get that "pretend concern" out of my head.

In fairness to the OP, I suspect that if you aren't the sort of person who prefers to keep family things private, and doesn't want to be discussing them with all and sundry, it is going to be hard to put yourself in the OP's shoes - and the opposite applies too. If you are naturally reticent about personal/family things, then someone who happily shares all sorts of information with lots of people, is going to baffle you completely!

I tell everyone everything, pretty much - if I was Maple's MIL, I would have chatted to people I met on the school run about why I was taking the children to school - that is what comes naturally to me. But if my DIL had specifically asked me not to gossip about a particular thing, then I wouldn't.

The problem has arisen here because Maple is a very private person, and her MIL is the exact opposite. Neither of them are wrong, or bad for being the way they are - but it has caused some problems.

I think Maple needs to have a calm chat with her MIL, to explain that she is very private about family things, and finds it upsetting when things she considers private are spread about. She should make it clear that she knows her MIL isn't doing it on purpose to offend or upset her, but she would prefer it if her MIL didn't talk about her (Maple's) private or family stuff with other people. I would hope that, if she does this, her MIL will a)be sorry that she has upset her DIL, and will apologise, and b)will not gossip about Maple's family stuff in the future.

If she carries on, then she is firmly in the wrong, and Maple would have every right to be cross with her - but I do think she needs to tell her what the problem is - it isn't fair to expect her MIL to guess that Maple is upset, and why.

I do not show 'pretend concern' no. But I do not quiz people I don't know for information either, or share anything with people I don't know.

If (way back when) a Grandmother told me that her DGC was in hospital, and I didn't know the family, I wouldn't dash up to the mother as soon as they came back to ask all about it.

" She should make it clear that she knows her MIL isn't doing it on purpose to offend or upset her, but she would prefer it if her MIL didn't talk about her (Maple's) private or family stuff with other people. I would hope that, if she does this, her MIL will a)be sorry that she has upset her DIL, and will apologise, and b)will not gossip about Maple's family stuff in the future."

Absolutely. Because there is no possibility of anyone being in the wrong except the MIL. Because telling someone your grandson is in hospital is "gossip", and she should apologise for her outrageous behaviour.

As I said before, I hope that Maple's MIL is a much nicer person than I am, or is able to swallow being treated like an errant parlour maid rather than a member of the family. Because if she isn't, then I do 't think the OP need worry about anything like this happening again......

"If (way back when) a Grandmother told me that her DGC was in hospital, and I didn't know the family, I wouldn't dash up to the mother as soon as they came back to ask all about it."

But presumably if you found yourself standing next to her, you would say "I do hope little x is better". Or would that be "pretend concern" and "gossip"?

I phrased it that way not because I believe the MIL is in the wrong, but because I think that is the best way to approach the subject with the MIL - explaining it in terms of her (Maple's) feelings, rather than being accusatory - 'You gossiped about my private business and that offended me'.

And as I said earlier in my post, I don't think either of them is in the wrong - they have very different approaches to discussing family stuff, and it is hard for people who share everything to empathise with those who keep things private, and vice versa. But because there is a 'sharing everything' MIL and a 'private' DIL, this has created friction. All I was doing was suggesting a way to discuss this, in a non-accusatory way, so that no-one's feelings need be hurt, and so that the MIL knows how Maple is feeling - rather than just being expected to guess.

But if I asked her about it she would surely wonder how I knew and presume tittle-tattle? Especially as she didn't know me. Maybe concern that the Mum thought she was being discussed.

One Mum I didn't know had a miscarriage, and someone told me. I didn't know her and wouldn't dream of asking her about it. It would have felt intrusive.

I am starting to feel I did 8 years at the school gate all wrong now.

I think there is a massive difference between talking to someone about a miscarriage when they haven't told you about it personally and asking a mum if her son is better now after a relatively minor (but still scary) illness. You can't really begin to compare the two situations.

Maybe. Sirzy. I just stuck to my own (maybe misguided) rule that you only discussed something with someone if they had told you about it personally. And that is through fear of making the person think they are being tittle-tattled about.

As I say it can get like Chinese whispers and if the info is second/third hand you have to be careful.

Oh, I'd go up to them and ask if they were all right. I might, you know, actively walk across the playground to them, if we were friends. Sorry if this offends.

Fortunately, at our school gate, topics like breast cancer are not considered shameful secrets. And, as a result, several parents have been offered food/childcare/support and really rather seemed to appreciate it