Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil sharing private family news.

235 replies

Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 15:58

Dc3 was recently admitted to hospital with a chest infection. He is only little, so they kept him in for 36 hours to keep an eye on him and give him some oxygen.
My mil helped out by popping in and taking the dd and ds to school, which was a help so that dh could be with me at the hospital.
We didn't tell dc1 and 2 that dc3 was in hospital as we didn't want to worry them and we were unsure about what was happening
However, when taking dc to school mil has told people and the teaching staff that dc3 was in hospital. There was absolutely no need for mil to tell anyone, dc3 had only just been admitted, we hadn't told the other dc and it is our private family business. It's not that I don't necessarily want people to know, I just feel it is not her place to tell people at school who she barely knows. It is for me and dh to choose when and if to tell people.
I think mil revels in drama and particular medical stuff, which is fine if it is her or fil business, but not if it's mind.
Subsequently upon return we have had numerous teachers and people at school asking about it.
I'm obviously a little sensitive at the moment . I just don't think it's mil place to tell the tiger moms and teachers at school.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 26/11/2013 20:27

Why should she lie though Please? I just can't see the issue. IF someone asked her "how are you all doing?" what should she have said?

Seriously, those people who are saying the grandmother is being unreasonable perhaps need to realise that she is worried about her young grandson being in hospital and that some people cope with being worried by talking to people.

DeadSalmon · 26/11/2013 20:29

I hear you, Maple. I am also a private person, and while not obsessively secret or anything, I don't pass on other people's news unless given express permission. I have not lived in my parents' country for my entire adult life, and had my baby here in the UK. I was horrified when I visited my parents for the first time after his birth to find that neighbours, people at her church, distant relatives (all people I had either not seen in a decade or two, or whom I didn't know at all) had every detail of his birth. I don't just mean date and birth weight, but failed sweeps, refused inductions, exact circumstances of c-section, blood loss etc.

My mother so seldom has any news that it never occurs to her that other people might not want their every medical detail shared...

ithaka · 26/11/2013 20:33

You are obviously different people. Your MIL sounds the sort to chat to the neighbours - perhaps being part of a different generation can explain it, people used to be more neighbourly.

No right or wrong, but your MIL is not to blame for her willingness to chat & share her life anymore than you are to blame for your reluctance to.

AaDB · 26/11/2013 20:33

When I'm a mil I hope to be understanding of my ds and his partner and respectful of our differences. I treat my own mil as I would a friend. I've known her long thought to understand don't always agree what will push each others buttons.

On our school run, only nursery and Reception dc are handed over to their parents. From y1 the DC are allowed to go out if they recognize an adult. In some cases they go home alone. You'd have to make a real effort to gossip to an actual teacher. Wink

curlew · 26/11/2013 20:37

"her church, distant relatives (all people I had either not seen in a decade or two, or whom I didn't know at all) had every detail of his birth. I don't just mean date and birth weight, but failed sweeps, refused inductions, exact circumstances of c-section, blood loss etc. "

Now that is personal information. And she was very wrong to share all that. The MIL in the OP, however, was just behaving like a normal human being.

womblesofwestminster · 26/11/2013 20:38

All this over a chest infection. FFS.

curlew · 26/11/2013 20:39

"When I'm a mil I hope to be understanding of my ds and his partner and respectful of our differences."

Trouble is, on Mumsnet, that invariably means it's the dil's way or the highway!

toffeesponge · 26/11/2013 20:42

YANBU and I totally understand where you are coming from. I can't stand people knowing my business and especially hate it when people want gossip but aren't your friends. I also don't like family interference but accept I may be being unreasonable as I don't have any family so no normality for me.

DeadSalmon · 26/11/2013 20:42

Oh, I know a child's chest infection isn't the same as the mysterious internal workings of my cervix, curlew (Grin), but I think for some people illness in general is that 'private'. Though tbh, I associate that mindset primarily with Irish country people of my parents' generation, who would go to some lengths to conceal hospital stays, operations etc.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 26/11/2013 20:45

We'll since no one told her to tell a lie how the fuck was she supposed to know that? HOw would they are busy be a lie? Confused

It depends on what you consider "private". I would never give any medical information out about someone out ever.

When my SIL was visiting us when I went in to early labor she thought it was OK to tell all the world via FB. Turns out we had different ideas about privacy.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 26/11/2013 20:46

The onus is on the person repeating information to confirm they are allowed to pass it on rather than the other person to make everything a "secret"

IamGluezilla · 26/11/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew · 26/11/2013 21:02

Oh, for heaven's sake. I refuse to believe that anyone would think twice about saying "have you heard? Little Maple's in hospital, poor baby".There is no way on earth that that would be considered confidential medical information"!

And I a prepared to stick my neck out and say that the only reason a couple of people are saying it is, is because it was a MIL who said it.,

Fuckingfacebook · 26/11/2013 21:04

I agree with curlew 100%

AaDB · 26/11/2013 21:13

Well said please.

I'm a dil, sil, dd, sis, cousin and friend. I know enough about people I am close to, to understand in advance about how they may react. Regardless of age or relationship, I can be respectful.

Due to my DM's strangeness with oversharing none of her business, especially when medical issues are involved, mean I don't share info with her unless I want the entire world to know. Some people have an absolute obsession with medical matters AND they think they need to know. Unless people are offering practical support, I don't feel the need to share info like this. Even then, they should let me decide whether to tell others. It's up to an individual what they want to keep private.

As my ds's parent, I do what I think is on his best interests. On occasion that may upset others, it's not because I'm out to piss off my ils. It's bound to happen sometimes though.

SupermansBigRedReindeerNose · 26/11/2013 21:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all tbh, she had no reason to tell people, nobody asked, sounds to me she wanted attention for having an ill grandchild.

I have family like this, drama and attention feed them.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 26/11/2013 21:19

Some people do have an odd concept of private.

SupermansBigRedReindeerNose · 26/11/2013 21:21

I am also a private person, and while not obsessively secret or anything, I don't pass on other people's news unless given express permission.

This!

NaturalBaby · 26/11/2013 21:22

My MIL is like this. DH speaks to her most of the time, particularly to pass news on so I make sure he is very clearly briefed to tell MIL what she can/can't tell other people as I am also very sensitive about what news of mine she passes on.

It's hard never knowing what she says to other people and worrying about what she'll say next, but I know what she's like so can be a step ahead.

firesidechat · 26/11/2013 21:28

I am going to get into so much trouble as a mil because it would never occur to me that this was sensitive information that I was on no account to share. Mind you oversharing is a family trait, so I don't think my children can complain too much.

On the other hand if I was told not to tell then I wouldn't. I just need very specific instructions and I think this is the mistake you made OP. I successfully kept my daughter's pregnancy quiet for 9 whole weeks because I was told to.

Oh an I agree with Curlew too.

I would have told my children where their sibling was too. Having a vanishing brother/sister is far worse than being told that they are in hospital.

Original poster
Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 21:30

Dh asked mil if she would be kind enough to take the children to school as dc3 had been admitted to hospital. It was a little stressful as you can imagine. He calked her at 7Am to let her know and ask if she was free. She has taken and fetched the dc before so she although she is not well known she is a recognised face. She left our house and by the time it took her to drop the children off she had told 10 different people who she and I barely know that dc3 was in hospital and what a huge drama it was. I just felt it was ott and unnecessary.
The dc weren't told in the morning as there was no significant worry and we needed them to get to school. My dh told them later when we had more news and more time to explain.
I love mil but she is a gossip and does enjoy drama and exaggeration. Fine, but it makes me uncomfortable particularly when it me or my children that she gossips about. She loves them, but we have different boundaries, which I need to be more overt about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 21:34

I also accept that I worded private family business wrong.

But it wasn't mil news to pass on to people she barely knew.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 26/11/2013 21:35

Suggest you get her to swear the Hippocratic oath to avoid future issues.

firesidechat · 26/11/2013 21:37

To you she's the mil, to her this is about her grandchild and personally I think that does make it ever so slightly her business.

Maybe she is a drama queen, but she may also be worried and want to offload a bit. I know I would.

Lambzig · 26/11/2013 21:39

The thing is, you know what she is like, so if you are private, you either need to sit down with her and explain your privacy needs or just accept it. There is no point letting resentments stew, particularly when she is so helpful to you (and probably oblivious to your annoyance).

My DF is a terrible gossip and I have been caught out by random people knowing details of my IVF for example, courtesy of him. He does it with all five of his children and it has caused trouble (two of my siblings no longer speak due to his indiscretions).

I ended up sitting him down over a glass of wine and telling him very nicely that he had a choice. He could either treat the personal stuff that I (and my siblings) tell him as confidential unless he was told to share it, or he could be one of those parents who are left out of everything, accept that he would never be told anything except the superficial day to day about my life or my DC. He completely got it and checks "is this just between us" when I speak about personal things.

I still think, this is a small thing and not something I would think of as private (but the pregnancy thing I totally would), but if it's part of a pattern, I can see why you are annoyed.

Perhaps a gentle word about how she is so close to you all that you share things you don't want others to know, that you would like to carry on, but could she please check before telling others.

Swipe left for the next trending thread