Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil sharing private family news.

235 replies

Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 15:58

Dc3 was recently admitted to hospital with a chest infection. He is only little, so they kept him in for 36 hours to keep an eye on him and give him some oxygen.
My mil helped out by popping in and taking the dd and ds to school, which was a help so that dh could be with me at the hospital.
We didn't tell dc1 and 2 that dc3 was in hospital as we didn't want to worry them and we were unsure about what was happening
However, when taking dc to school mil has told people and the teaching staff that dc3 was in hospital. There was absolutely no need for mil to tell anyone, dc3 had only just been admitted, we hadn't told the other dc and it is our private family business. It's not that I don't necessarily want people to know, I just feel it is not her place to tell people at school who she barely knows. It is for me and dh to choose when and if to tell people.
I think mil revels in drama and particular medical stuff, which is fine if it is her or fil business, but not if it's mind.
Subsequently upon return we have had numerous teachers and people at school asking about it.
I'm obviously a little sensitive at the moment . I just don't think it's mil place to tell the tiger moms and teachers at school.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 26/11/2013 21:41

For what it's worth I wouldn't be happy. Especially knowing what horrible gossips people can be. Then the endless questions about DC3's health. I think anyone going into hospital is private family business TBH, as is anyone's state of health.

curlew · 26/11/2013 21:42

"I don't think you are being unreasonable at all tbh, she had no reason to tell people, nobody asked, sounds to me she wanted attention for having an ill grandchild."
Jesus! I do hope the poor bloody woman never reads this- because it will be the last time the OP can ever ask for help in a crisis unless she is a much nicer woman than I am.

And seriously, gossip??? Telling people her grandson is in hospital is gossip? Shock

Original poster
Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 21:44

I just don't understand why she would need to tell people that aren't her friends and family, and people I hardly know too beyond school collection. I find that weird.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/11/2013 21:44

You sound a lot like my mother OP. She lied to me and my sister (aged 6 and 7) about our younger sister who was ill as a baby and her favourite phrase was "don't tell anyone!" We visited her in hospital when I was 10 but we were never actually told what was wrong with her. Everything was secret. When I was depressed my inlaws were flabberghasted by the way she avoided ever mentioning it. It was a really weird unhealthy way to be brought up and was a great way of ensuring I kept the abuse I suffered secret. Until I told her at 19 only to hear "don't tell your father!" My sisters and I hardly talk to her.
It wasn't just your news OP. Your MIL's grandson was ill. There is no need to keep that a secret. Don't try to control the people around you in this way, it's not healthy.

Sparklingbrook · 26/11/2013 21:45

No the MIL telling people isn't gossip, but all the parents outside the school gate will have a gossip, then it will be chinese whispers and all sorts of false information being passed on. And all the sticky beaks that have no concern for your child whatsoever will be asking you all about it.

Original poster
Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 21:46

I wouldn't have minded if they were her friends and family, but they are other parents at school. I hadn't even had chance to tell my own family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 21:47

I certainly don't want added drama of people I don't know asking me about it at school. It makes me feel uncomfortable and although their intentions are good, I don't want to say the same thing to different people over and over .

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/11/2013 21:48

Oh and things like details of pregnancy or IVF are totally different - that is personal and private. If you honestly believe people "gossip" about a baby being in hospital then I really have to wonder what kind of world you live in.

Sirzy · 26/11/2013 21:49

all you have to do is say "he is much better now thanks"

Sparklingbrook · 26/11/2013 21:49

Exactly Maple, when DS2 went into hospital at 5 weeks old we didn't tell anyone.

WhoNickedMyName · 26/11/2013 21:50

It must be difficult having a MIL that in your own words "Takes something relatively minor and makes it into a drama".

Especially when you're not like that yourself.

IamInvisible · 26/11/2013 21:50

It's all been blown out of proportion imo.

Your DC has a chest infection. You and he were in hospital, your MIL helped you out and told a few people. It's not the end of the world, I doubt very much people are gossiping at the school gates either tbh.

Draw a line under it and move on.

I hope he is better soon.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 26/11/2013 21:51

Some of you who think this is an issue only because she is the MIl Hmm

Seriously no. There are people who tell everyone on FB the state of their fanjo on any given Tuesday and then there are those who NC on mumsnet every week to keep their identity on an already pretty anonymous forum secret.

Neither is right or wrong if it is your personal info but you can sit there and insts you are right when you discuss other people's information. Because the OP is upset. You can't tell her "no don't be upset, sorry your kids found out that way but your MIL can do as she likes"/ Because this has caused a problem and whenever the OP has anything she views as private she may think twice before mentioning it to the MIL.

So yes you can do what you like with other people's information but if you don't ask first don;t be offended when you start getting being left out of the loop.

IamInvisible · 26/11/2013 21:52

My DC have spent lots and lots of time in hospital throughout their childhood. I have never been questioned by people I don't know in the playground. Friends have asked, their friend's parents have asked but not people who I didn't talk to already.

diddl · 26/11/2013 21:55

If there was "no significant worry", then I wonder why you involved her st all.

curlew · 26/11/2013 21:56

"Thank you so much for asking, he's much better now"

CailinDana · 26/11/2013 21:58

Please, you make it sound as though this was some random woman who stuck her head in the door and then blabbed. She was called on to help and she's the boy's grandmother ffs!

OddFodd · 26/11/2013 22:01

Next time, manage your family dramas on your own. You know she talks to people so why are you surprised?

And is it really awful that people are concerned about your baby and their wellbeing? You're part of a community and people want to show you they care. I don't see what's awful about that. If you make friends with other parents, perhaps you won't need to ask your MIL next time you need someone to take your other DC to school :)

Sparklingbrook · 26/11/2013 22:03

Best ask them to put a piece in the school newsletter Maple. Sad

BasilBabyEater · 26/11/2013 22:08

"But it wasn't mil news to pass on to people she barely knew."

It is her news. It's her grandson.

It sounds to me like this is more about your dislike of her tendency to make a drama out of everything. I totally sympathise, my mother does this - if there's a little sniff from one of the kids she'll start talking about taking them to A&E, pneumonia, meningitis, blah blah blah and I want to just kill her. I know just how irritating that dreadful behaviour is, so I really want you to know I'm right with you there.

However, I think you need to separate your dislike of her bonkers over-dramatisation and the fact that she's really got the right to talk about any aspect of her family to anyone she wants, within reason. If you don't want her to, then you need to ask her not to mention xyz to whoever it is you anticipate she might mention it to.

I realise this is irritating - having to anticipate someone else's behaviour and work round it is work (particularly if you think it's unreasonable behaviour in the first place) - but it may save you stacks of irritation in future.

WilsonFrickett · 26/11/2013 22:09

I really don't believe she told 10 people. How is that even possible on a school run? You are blowing this out of proportion now.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 26/11/2013 22:11

However, I think you need to separate your dislike of her bonkers over-dramatisation and the fact that she's really got the right to talk about any aspect of her family to anyone she wants,

Basil, but by the same token then the OP could discuss the MIL being in hospital surely? Especially if no on had told her not to.

BasilBabyEater · 26/11/2013 22:17

Sorry had missed the bit about her MIL being in hospital.

But yes, unless she'd been told not to.

Being in hospital isn't something that many people consider a private matter not to be spoken of. If you think it is, you need to tell them (not you personally, you as in one).

curlew · 26/11/2013 22:19

"Basil, but by the same token then the OP could discuss the MIL being in hospital surely? Especially if no on had told her not to."

Yes of course she could. "Poor old MIL's in hospital- I'm popping in to see her this afternoon". Perfectly normal human interaction.

Sparklingbrook · 26/11/2013 22:21

I think going into hospital is really private. Confused

Swipe left for the next trending thread