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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil sharing private family news.

235 replies

Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 15:58

Dc3 was recently admitted to hospital with a chest infection. He is only little, so they kept him in for 36 hours to keep an eye on him and give him some oxygen.
My mil helped out by popping in and taking the dd and ds to school, which was a help so that dh could be with me at the hospital.
We didn't tell dc1 and 2 that dc3 was in hospital as we didn't want to worry them and we were unsure about what was happening
However, when taking dc to school mil has told people and the teaching staff that dc3 was in hospital. There was absolutely no need for mil to tell anyone, dc3 had only just been admitted, we hadn't told the other dc and it is our private family business. It's not that I don't necessarily want people to know, I just feel it is not her place to tell people at school who she barely knows. It is for me and dh to choose when and if to tell people.
I think mil revels in drama and particular medical stuff, which is fine if it is her or fil business, but not if it's mind.
Subsequently upon return we have had numerous teachers and people at school asking about it.
I'm obviously a little sensitive at the moment . I just don't think it's mil place to tell the tiger moms and teachers at school.
Aibu?

OP posts:
curlew · 26/11/2013 18:41

Why didn't you want people to know?

diddl · 26/11/2013 18:43

I would consider myself a private person, but this isn't a thing that I personally be bothered about others knowing.

Depending on where you live/the school, stuff like this can spread pretty quickly.

The people who you don't really know will perhaps have just said "oh dear" & done nothing more with the info.

Sirzy · 26/11/2013 18:49

I still cant see a problem.

All it takes is someone saying "hi how are you doing?" and of course she would tell them.

She was worried about her grandson and told people what was happening. Its hardly top secret information.

TBH I really can't see why you care so much, when DS has been in hospital I couldn't care less who knew a) its not secret and b) I have much bigger worries at that time

Toffeepoppet · 26/11/2013 18:55

Op, I hope your dc is fully better.

Please, please count your blessings in life.
How awful that your dc was so ill, however you are so, so fortunate to have someone in your life who was able to help you out so much, at short notice with your other children, which enabled your husband to bring you stuff and your children to gt to school and be looked after etc.

Imagine going through what your family did without her help, and the added stress that would have bought. Many, many people will be in a similar situation that you were with very little help from other people.

Original poster
Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 18:55

It's not that I don't want people to know. I just feel more comfortable mentioning it to people I barely know after the event if at all. I do tell friends and family things, but not acquaintances or people I would just say hello too.
I suppose because mil has form for telling people things such as my pregnancy, illnesses etc I just thought here we go again.
She's the kind of person that if dh had a sickness bug, she would tell her village that dh has the shits and is suffering from ibs. When really he probably ate a dodgy curry. Too much over sharing.

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 26/11/2013 18:56

YABU. If you know she has form for over sharing, why didn't you tell her that it was 'private family news'? Confused It really isn't a normal thing to keep quiet, so you should have been explicit.

Original poster
Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 18:57

But yes I iabu! I have worked that out Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapleissweet · 26/11/2013 19:00

For the final time, I didn't tell her because I didn't see her. I was just surprised she decided to tell pretty much everyone age spoke to on the wAy to and from school.
Dc3 was admitted in the night. Dh was taken back when upon fetching the dc from school, he had many people asking about our dc3 and was just taken back as I hadn't even got round to telling my only family at that point.

OP posts:
MommyBird · 26/11/2013 19:03

YABU. A little bit.
She is her grandmother, plus there was no 'secret'

However i imagine emotions are running high. I hope your DC is ok?

Mt MIL told a room full of people (Dstep-father-in law s side who i had only met once!) that i was having a sweep. and what it is. in great detail.
How did i find out? Off my hairdresser, who was also there!
That wasnt her buisness to share, it was my ladybits.

diddl · 26/11/2013 19:12

Tbh, the odd thing is that knowing her, you are surprised!

Charlie01234 · 26/11/2013 19:17

Don't run to her for help next time then. I will probably be a mil one day and what I read on here makes me dispair. Yabvvvu

MrsZB · 26/11/2013 19:24

Gtt

DoJo · 26/11/2013 19:29

I can understand where you are coming from - it's difficult to think that your personal worries are being used as gossip fodder for someone else, even if they might be genuinely concerned as well. It is particularly hard when it is one of your children being discussed over the garden fence and it can feel as though they are being used for their ability to provide a little attention for the person who is talking about them, which isn't inherently wrong, but can feel a bit intrusive.

Having been in this situation I can understand how it leaves you feeling exposed when you are already more sensitive than usual because of emotional upheaval, tiredness and the worry of it all.

However, I don't necessarily think she was unreasonable to have told people, as you say it is exactly the kind of thing you expected of her. I do think that perhaps you need to be mindful of the fact that you have very different approaches to things like this and either have a word with her in future or just not tell her anything where possible.

So, I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I don't think she is being unreasonable either as she likes to talk and is presumably happy to share this level of detail about her own medical matters so it just comes naturally to her. You just need way to manage the way you share information to ensure that you aren't in this position again or accept that if you want/need her help then you'll have to deal with her way of sharing information and decide whether it's worth it.

SauvignonBlanche · 26/11/2013 19:32

Your poor MIL needs to learn 'her place'.

LadyBeagleEyes · 26/11/2013 19:46

I think you may to have to find someone else in an emergency, your mil and a loving grandmother obviously doesn't cut the muster Hmm.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 26/11/2013 19:56

I don't think YABU OP. It is not the place of anyone but the parents to share personal information with schools and other people.

Sirzy · 26/11/2013 20:03

Is a child being in hospital really personal information? Certainly isn't top secret information.

I think school needed to know that a) children aren't daft and may have picked up on something b) if something had happened to one of the children in school it would be handy for the school to know that mum was very busy at the hospital therefore they may have to contact other people on the list if needed.

I really can't see why its an issue at all.

Noctilucent · 26/11/2013 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg · 26/11/2013 20:06

As the mother of 3 sons, threads like this make me despair.

On the other hand, I'm glad I'm able to count my blessings and look for the good in people/situations rather than look for problems where there are none. Must be absolutely draining for you OP.

AaDB · 26/11/2013 20:08

I'm going against the grain and saying Yanbu. Thanks

My mum sounds just like your mil. My DM cannot hold her own water and is prone to exaggeration, particularly when medical matters are involved. I understand how annoying it is to have people revel in this kind of thing, especially because I'm a very private person. My DM knows both of these things but still cannot help herself. We don't have help so I don't involve her. You should be able to ask for help without expecting a massive gossip at your expense.

She was recently ill and didn't want to tell anyone. I hope she is now more respectful, we'll see.

In addition, if your mil knew that your other DC did not know, she should have kept quiet.

Fuckingfacebook · 26/11/2013 20:22

I hope my son never treats me like this. As others have said, it makes me sad. What as she supposed to say if someone said "oh we don't usually see you here "

Fuckingfacebook · 26/11/2013 20:22

I certainly would not think a child being in hospital was "private family news" either.

paxtecum · 26/11/2013 20:23

OP: My friend's daughter is like you.

My friend is eventually told that (at 16 weeks) there is a baby on the way.
Then she is told she is not allowed to share the joyous news with her friends and family.
They don't want anyone to know. FFS!

Being told there is a baby on the way is (nearly) always wonderful news and it is lovely to share that with friends and family.

Oh, then they are not allowed to meet the new baby, until they are summoned.
They are expected to drop everything NOW and drive 250 miles NOW,
because 'we have invited friends over tomorrow - so this is your only chance to see the baby'.

I do think you are being mean. I'm glad I'm not your MIL.
I wonder what your DIL or SIL will think of you in 20 years time.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 26/11/2013 20:24

I hope my son never treats me like this. As others have said, it makes me sad. What as she supposed to say if someone said "oh we don't usually see you here "

Parents are busy?

Fuckingfacebook · 26/11/2013 20:25

We'll since no one told her to tell a lie how the fuck was she supposed to know that?

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