To expect my boyfriend to realise his wife is a gold digger and vindictive person?

[NMC89]

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, having been friends for some time before that. We have a large age difference but have an incredible bond and are best friends. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years but they still live in the same house (they don't have sex). I live in London and she lives in Italy - he commutes, spending the week with me in the UK and the weekends with his children.

She has had multiple affairs openly and manipulates him unbearably (she has threatened to stop him seeing his children). He financially supports her (as well as her sister and brother). I find her behaviour disgusting, she only speaks to him when she wants money or a new car and refuses to do anything for him or the household (she is a sahm) - including disciplining the children, cooking, cleaning or food shopping. He does all these when he gets back after a week working in the UK. I try hard not to constantly be horrible about her, but it is hard to see the man I love being taken advantage of so viciously. I know they are not going to divorce (for the sake of their children) but I really can't see how this is a good alternative. He admits that she is awful and has got very angry about some of the things she has done (notably bringing her boyfriend to their family home to spend the night when his children were there), but he is incapable of doing anything about it and has aided her boyfriend's business and bought her property. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?

I bet his wife doesn't understand him... Is that right OP?

Have you met any of his friends, his colleagues?

If not, why not?

You're being bonkers not unreasonable! You are young and have convinced yourself that you are saving him from a terrible woman. You're not. He's using you. Teenagers? Honestly...there will always be an excuse. Leave. Now.

If the OP is for real, is this what's called being gaslighted?

How can anyone be so persistently and determinedly naive?

I think a man in his late forties knows perfectly well what he wants to do. He doesn't need you to tell him what his wife is like. He was the one married to her for twenty years, remember?

Or do you think he is too good and noble to see see through her scheming, slatternly ways?

Will the scales fall from his eyes if you mention it?

If you really believe the old line about the lack of sex, then there probably isn't much hope of you extricating yourself. It'll all end in tears (yours).

I totally agree about his children being teenagers and therefore capable of taking it, but I don't think it is my place to make that call as they're not my kids.

Alisvolatpropiss - I agree, I don't think that age is relevant at all as you said, but many of the other posters are saying that by being with a 'old git' as one person put it means I'm stupid etc etc.

He doesn't call her lazy etc, as I previously stated, it is me who thinks all this and doesn't know whether to voice it and push the issue!

SeaSickSal - I thought everyone was saying that it was fine for her to have relationships, so why isn't it also fine he does? So not sure about the whole moral rank thing.

But thank you for your comments, it has certainly brought up some issues for me to think about seriously

So, OP, apart from the BF, what else in your life? Uni? work? family?

Right Op I've got this now I think....you already know he's a keeper (I can see why) it sounds like a fantastic set up (for him)....what you are asking is should you be more vocal re this awful....scheming....manipulative...gold digger whom he is happy to call....his WIFE....
Yes, by all means make your thoughts more vocal....why shouldn't you? It's your opinion ....voice it

You seem confused about who is allowed to shag who.

You say they are separated in all but name. And the children know?

Yet your BF is cross if she has her boyfriend stay over in the house.

Or he isn't, its just you who thinks this is inappropriate.

So why can't they know about you? Is this his decision? Her decision? Your decision?

I can't quite work it out.

my question for here was more whether or not I should tell him that I think she's awful and he should file for divorce rather than whether I should be with him

Yep definitely tell him. It will work out really well.

Have you considered that he has exactly what he wants. Wife in Italy - you have no evidence as to her character actually and mistress in Italy.

Mistress in england

And why you should have an opinion on her housekeeping skills is beyond me. You have never met her, never met her children, never been in her house.

Wow, getting on to 200 posts and you're still arguing the toss, OP. Good on you.

He has not divorced his wife because he is happy with things as they are. How could you think anything else? He is not afraid of losing his children - if anything, divorce proceedings would likely give him more clearly spelled-out rights to see his children, enforceable in court. But he doesn't need to go down that route because he is still very clearly in a functioning marriage with the mother of his children.

You are not out in the open because you are the OW in this scenario. You are defending the indefensible. You are having an affair with this woman's husband, and at the same time you are calling her a gold-digger and accusing her of sleeping around. You are not innocent here.

If you love him and want to be with him, then tell him the only way forward from here is that he divorces his wife and you have an open relationship with him.

But he ain't gonna do that, is he?

MadameDefarge: other than my relationship, I work full time, live with lovely friends and do all the other normal things really.

I have a question, I assume most of you have children, unlike me, so what do you think about divorce and teenagers? Some people have said above that they're teenagers so they'd be fine with knowing about their parents relationships with other people and the potential of them getting a divorce.

Is this what most people think? Would you stay with someone you didn't want to be with for the sake of teenage children? I've never experienced divorce first hand (parents etc), so I'm really interested in what you all think on this.

Hi OP.

Did your Dad abandon you as a child?

This Man is not your Dad, he is the Father to some children in Italy. Every gift he gives you, every drink he buys you, every taxi or meal he pays for, he and you are taking away from his young dependant children.

I suspect your friends and you know full well he is married and you are the Ow, you all play the silly game you do, for each of your own personal reasons.

He is a married man telling his wife and children he is working hard in England for the family.

His wife is not a gold digger, as a wife she is entitled to half of the family income.

Either go and find a single man or go and find your own Father and leave those children's Father alone.

Oh wow.

OP I think we're probably the same age. I also don't think she's the problem. How clever of him to make her out as the lazy, grabby SAHM. That way, not only does he get to keep his bit on the side who he "can't possibly tell him almost adult offspring about" (I don't believe that's the reason at all)... But he also gets you to go Dutch on dates too!

Not only is he having his cake and eating it, but he got you to pay for the bloody thing too.

You won't listen though, people in your position never do. You're always the "different" ones. The ones where it's not like it seems, you really love each other. Right?

As expected you're slugging it out on mn op,that we've all got him/you wrong
Some things to consider
1.hes still married,there's no ex-wife only a wife
2.by fact he's married with no intention divorce you are his fancy piece,the ow
3.your lover won't introduce you as his partner,that speaks volumes

1. I think you likey the drama

There is no question of divorce. There will be no divorce (that he initiates). He will not divorce her for you. So his teenage children have nothing to worry about on that front.

She may, of course, divorce him if she finds out about his affair(s).

If their marriage is over and has been for several years then his kids will know that all don't well. A divorce won't be a surprise or an upset.

However. I would lay money on it being a massive shock were he to leave their mother because the marriage isn't over.

Also a wife of twenty odd years really can't be a gold digger. She's entitled to a considerable proportion of his income/assets.

You're sleeping with her husband yet you are deeply disapproving of her relationships. Given me the best laugh in years.

Children are ALWAYS damaged by divorce of their parents, even adult children are harmed, there was some research released recently showing the extent.

He won't divorce his wife anyways OP.