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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my boyfriend to realise his wife is a gold digger and vindictive person?

409 replies

NMC89 · 24/11/2013 20:15

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, having been friends for some time before that. We have a large age difference but have an incredible bond and are best friends. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years but they still live in the same house (they don't have sex). I live in London and she lives in Italy - he commutes, spending the week with me in the UK and the weekends with his children.

She has had multiple affairs openly and manipulates him unbearably (she has threatened to stop him seeing his children). He financially supports her (as well as her sister and brother). I find her behaviour disgusting, she only speaks to him when she wants money or a new car and refuses to do anything for him or the household (she is a sahm) - including disciplining the children, cooking, cleaning or food shopping. He does all these when he gets back after a week working in the UK. I try hard not to constantly be horrible about her, but it is hard to see the man I love being taken advantage of so viciously. I know they are not going to divorce (for the sake of their children) but I really can't see how this is a good alternative. He admits that she is awful and has got very angry about some of the things she has done (notably bringing her boyfriend to their family home to spend the night when his children were there), but he is incapable of doing anything about it and has aided her boyfriend's business and bought her property. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?

OP posts:
MarthasHarbour · 27/11/2013 11:57

To be fair, on the language issue, my cousin was married to his German wife for 15 years and never spoke a word of German, his kids are bilingual.

To be fair, he admitted that he was (a)lazy (b)miserable and most importantly (c) having affairs.

I am not proud of what he did but he is my cousin and i love him. However he is the first to admit that he was a twunt.

YouAreMyRain · 27/11/2013 11:57

OP your thread gave lots of info that people thought needed more attention than your original question.

You have given hundreds of people the impression that you are being lied to and manipulated. People thought that this was worth pointing out. Many people have been in your situation and they have taken time and trouble to share their experience, knowledge and wisdom with you, hoping that it will help you.

Somehow you are ignoring all these responses because you don't like the sound of them.

In answer to your original questions;

Are you being unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to realise that his wife is a gold digger and a vindictive person?

Your information about his wife is being stage managed filtered by your boyfriend. Either he already knows that she is a gold digger and a vindictive person (presumably why they have separated) or he is wanting you to think that she these things. If he really doesn't know then tell him (but you have shown him this thread already)

Are you being unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to tell his wife about you?

No, YANBU, this is the least you should expect.

Are you being unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to stand up for himself and stop being a coward?

If he is being these things then YANBU but I can't see where he is.

Are you being unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to get divorce proceedings underway?

No YANBU this is the least you should expect.

There you go, I have answered your questions. But the main issue is that your BF is lying to you and you can't see it.

BeCool · 27/11/2013 11:58

I know people who have gone on to have life-long trust issues because they found out that the parent they believed was upright and sincere was in effect a lying cheat, people who have never been able to trust other people because their parent lied to them, directly or implicitly.
This is so true and has certainly been my experience with my DF.

MarthasHarbour · 27/11/2013 11:59

Didnt mean to post 2x 'to be fair's' Grin

Lweji · 27/11/2013 11:59

It's entirely up to you if you want to be a mistress (which you are now, don't kid yourself) or a proper girlfriend.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/11/2013 12:22

I haven't rtft, sorry too long, but I wanted to speak up for the op.
The posts I've read, none thinks her story is true, but of course it could be.
I was the child in this scenario. My parents hated each othe, but stayed together so that we didn't have to choose and so neither of them missed out on our growing up.. I would have thought that to be fairly common. My mum had 'affairs' but kept them away from us. They divorced when my youngest sister left for uni.. My mum then married her bf and we got to meet him.
Pp - you know your nd better than all these strangers online. Good luck.

OneStepCloserIWillExterminate · 27/11/2013 12:27

Oh dear, not a lot more to say is there? Youve just confirmed yourself as his mistress Sad for you really, its not a proper relationship.

LoveandLife · 27/11/2013 12:29

If he's so open and honest with you why is he so worried about you being a snooper?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 27/11/2013 14:41

She has had multiple affairs openly and manipulates him unbearably (she has threatened to stop him seeing his children). He financially supports her (as well as her sister and brother)...she only speaks to him when she wants money or a new car and refuses to do anything for him or the household (she is a sahm) - including disciplining the children, cooking, cleaning or food shopping...not going to divorce (for the sake of their children)...(bringing her boyfriend to their family home to spend the night when his children were there)...has aided her boyfriend's business and bought her property. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?
If all of the above is true he sounds absolutely spineless.
Of course, if it's not true it sounds like an open marriage and win-win for both spouses. Any reference to his 'children' is IMO just a smokescreen.

I would say YANBU to say he should stand up for himself and stop being a coward etc. but YABU if you really expect he'll listen or take that on board, or that anything is likely to change.

I think you're hearing what you want to hear but it's wearing thin.

By the way even ugly neuroscientists/surgeons can be blind or blinkered in affairs of the heart.
And extremely intelligent individuals who're been burned before can still repeat the same mistakes. That's not me, it's a generalization, I'm happily married, just the once.

ApocalypseThen · 27/11/2013 16:30

God I feel sorry for his actual wife. The poor woman. There's no extent to which he'll protect her from his transparent lies. He's utterly disloyal and disrespectful. Even if there was any chance he was telling the truth about his children, he would hardly appreciate you bring so horrible about their mother online.

He's the complete narcissist.

Fairenuff · 27/11/2013 16:51

OP your own posts are conflicting:

He has been separated from his wife for 4 years...

She has had multiple affairs openly...

Now, if they are separated both of them are free to have other relationships.

If she is 'having affairs' that means that they are still together.

So, which is it? Are they together or separated?

smokeandglitter · 27/11/2013 20:16

OP, just wanted to say I would be really careful about telling him you don't want children etc. You may not want them now, but in the future you may. As the relationship with him progresses, you may feel differently, want more and long to be a mum.

Just my thoughts. Smile

AchyFox · 28/11/2013 00:21

Go on, nip over to Italy and have a chat and coffee with her.

MistressDeeCee · 28/11/2013 02:06

Well said ApocalypseThen.

This man & the OP are rotten to the core. Massively disrespecting his wife, the mother of his children. The OP doing this without even a shred of evidence - & him going on about his wife's affairs (good point Fairenuff) - they're supposedly not together,yet he says 'affairs'. Although again, who's to say he's telling the truth? OP he's probably dissing you to someone else anyway, as discretion isn't his forte.& you're both unkind gossips. Well, in respect of his own affair he is being discrete, I suppose.

He's managed to find himself a woman who appears to think having low expectations is clever, and is deluding herself that focusing on his wife's supposed indescretions & coming in here disrespecting a woman who's life she doesn't and never will know, will salve her own heart. OP, you & this man deserve are made for each other, you wouldnt know concept of 'standards & self-respect' if it were shouted via megaphone directly into your ears.

If you've got that much to say about his wife; if they're not an item - then visit Italy. You don't have to stay at the family home, do you! But...you won't do that as you already know the truth, you just don't want to see it.

I actually hope you do take him off his wife's hands..she got herself a right bad bargain when she got with him. You'd be doing her a favour. & he'd be ending up with exactly who he deserves.

CosmicDespot · 28/11/2013 03:29

I hope you have regular STD checks, OP. As we all know, no method of contraception is really even close to 100% effective. That is all.

daisychain01 · 28/11/2013 06:38

Sorry, I am late into this thread but I have read it and have to ask...

NMC, if you are such a "together", independent, decisive person, why on earth do you need to come onto this forum and discuss the basis of your relationship. What do you stand to gain, when you already have all the answers to all the questions? It isn't as if you are worried about how your partner/bf is going to react. You have shown that you a tally have an honest relationship if you can show him this thread!

It seems incongruous with your personality to care what other people think.

daisychain01 · 28/11/2013 06:41

Sorry typo

...You already have an honest relationship...

BitOutOfPractice · 28/11/2013 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fabsmum · 28/11/2013 07:24

The OP reminds me of my sister. Spent the best 20 years of her life going out with a man 15 years her senior who didn't want children, or to live with her. Her whole focus was on trying not to make any demands on him that would inconvenience him, and be the perfect girlfriend. She was especially keen that he not feel financially responsible for her in any way. They separated when she was 40. She's 50 now, childless (not by choice) and single (very few decent men available for a 40 year old woman), and living with my mum.

Do you know why she never asked anything of her older man? Because she didn't think she was worthy of marriage, a family, a home with him.

I think that's you OP. You deserve better. I think you know that if you ask your bf to make any sacrifices for you and you become an inconvenience in any way he will drop you like a hot potato.

CuttedUpPear · 28/11/2013 07:35

I agree with what Daisychain01 said ^
I think that you are being disingenuous about this man and your situation.

Why, if you've come on this forum to ask for advice, are you not heeding one iota of it?

I can see you sitting there with your fingers in your ears singing 'la la la la'. With your blinkers on.

It is starting to feel as you are looking for congratulations on your thoroughly modern attitude. You're not some kind of Mother Theresa contributing to world peace, you know.
You are a young woman of limited experience being made a fool of by allowing this ridiculous and humiliating arrangement to be made of your life.

lollylaughs · 28/11/2013 07:37

I really suspect this is a wind up. You cannot be so naïve OP, sorry.

BrianTheMole · 28/11/2013 07:47

it is easier to ignore the things she has done. I guess only time will tell really...

What things? Having affairs? Its not possible for her to be having affairs if she's split up with her husband. I don't think you can be this naive really.

Snowbility · 28/11/2013 07:56

I think you need to question why you haven't demanded more. You've settled for second best and that's what you've got. Strong independent woman don't settle for second best, even when kids are involved, there is no need for you to be hidden away like a dirty little secret - unless you are....especially if this man is thinking of taking your relationship seriously in the long term.
The kids are teenagers now, it's not possible for the ex to keep the teenagers away from their father - teenagers are too gobby, unless they don't want to see him. His ex is irrelevant unless he makes her relevant.

So I would say either he's being deceitful or he's being completely spineless - either way you'll never get what you really want and what you deserve to have.

bobblewobble · 28/11/2013 08:04

What will you do when you decide you want children? My mum was the other woman. My father had 5 children with his wife. Were all born before my mum was with my dad. All his brothers knew about my mum.

My mum had 4 children with my dad in the space of 9 years. She was naiive and believed he would leave his wife.He never did and she has not seen him since I was about 4 months old. I grew up without a father because my mum was the other woman. Of course he didn't love his wife, wasn't having sex etc. but he is probably with her now. Oh and he was also about 15 years older than my mum!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 28/11/2013 08:19

I too believe that if you could be a fly on the wall in the house in Italy, the day he gets back from Britain, the first thing to happen to you would be the realisation that all the threads here are between 99% and 100% true. You may have self esteem issues that you yourself do not recognise. There are certainly moral issues here but I can't resist the urge to say 'wake up and smell the (Italian) coffee'.