To expect my boyfriend to realise his wife is a gold digger and vindictive person?

[NMC89]

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, having been friends for some time before that. We have a large age difference but have an incredible bond and are best friends. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years but they still live in the same house (they don't have sex). I live in London and she lives in Italy - he commutes, spending the week with me in the UK and the weekends with his children.

She has had multiple affairs openly and manipulates him unbearably (she has threatened to stop him seeing his children). He financially supports her (as well as her sister and brother). I find her behaviour disgusting, she only speaks to him when she wants money or a new car and refuses to do anything for him or the household (she is a sahm) - including disciplining the children, cooking, cleaning or food shopping. He does all these when he gets back after a week working in the UK. I try hard not to constantly be horrible about her, but it is hard to see the man I love being taken advantage of so viciously. I know they are not going to divorce (for the sake of their children) but I really can't see how this is a good alternative. He admits that she is awful and has got very angry about some of the things she has done (notably bringing her boyfriend to their family home to spend the night when his children were there), but he is incapable of doing anything about it and has aided her boyfriend's business and bought her property. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?

I have read this with much interest as it could, bar the detail, be me! When I met 'him' almost 5 years ago he was living apart from his wife = fact. I, at the time, didn't want a full-on BF so the arrangement (long distance) suited us both. However, as often happens in these situations, after a while I did become emotionally attached......cue status quo being irretrievably damaged!

About 6 months ago I found incriminating evidence of his situation having changed (pics in public domain of him wearing wedding ring etc!). When challenged, he refused to be drawn over the phone, said there was a long, complicated explanation which I would get the next time we saw each other. Upshot is he had moved back into the family home for the sake of the DS who was having 'difficulties' with exams....the son got 5 A+ this summer and is heading for a career in medicine (hopefully). He can't/won't commit to me because he wants to invest his energies in his son! Who is now 16 FFS, is well balanced and adjusted with a wide circle of friends. Of course, he and the wife were leading separate lives, different bedrooms, no sex......yeah right!

The wife had been painted (to me) as a malicious bitch, who had used their DS as a weapon against him and he was desperate not to lose the DS so moved back (supposedly at her request), and now he's using their son as an excuse not to commit further to me!!

I see him now as a lying, cheating, narcissistic coward who would never have revealed his true colours, had I not turned detective when red flags started waving furiously in my face. I feel hurt, used and stupid.

Like previous posters have said, wake up and smell the coffee love, I have wasted 5 years of my life on this bastard by choosing to ignore advice from friends and family. It's hard to admit you were wrong but believe me, you are the OW. I didn't, and still don't feel like I was the OW, I was deceived too, at least I know and can get on with my life, and truly feel sorry for is wife, who clearly thinks he's a reformed character (I don't know the reasons for their original split, having only been drip fed over the years, but suspect it was his infidelity with someone else, before me).

MOVE ON, deep down, you know it makes sense. There is no future with this man.

Sorry...that was long....didn't mean to hijack

why on earth do you need to come onto this forum and discuss the basis of your relationship
I think the OP thought we were all going to join in sympathizing with her as to what a vindictive bitch the "XW" was.
I bet the OP's friends, who directed herto MN, knew exactly what we would have to say about it and in fact they are probably all posting above saying what they really think too!

Ouch, fifty. Sorry that happened to you.

Bobble, my grandfather did that! He only had 1 DD with his 'second' woman, as far as I know. My father met her in later life - her story was, like yours, one of disillusionment. Her mother created a lived fantasy in which my grandfather was a functioning partner & father (on his fortnightly visits) though he wasn't around for Christmas or holidays. Granny knew but, following one confrontation, kept quiet.

Weird, and sad for all concerned.

thanks garlic, it happens, I'm dealing with it....better now than more wasted years invested eh?!

How sad for your gran and all concerned....history teaches us a big lesson...that human nature is consistent, if nothing else x

oh, and bye the way OP, as previous posters have alluded to... in my case, he already introduced his exit strategy by saying his job may soon change so he will no longer be easily able to be geographically cos that's all it was close! That was my last red flag!

This might be fine for now 2 years in when you are in the novelty stage. Just wait til you are 10 years down the line, his kids have moved out and he still won't move out and divorce her.

How did you meet him? Is he wealthy? Did he seduce you?

The way some men have wives and just for the sake of a bit on the side, will absolutely slate their wife as a heartless, useless, manipulative bitch etc..yet theyre coming right back home to said wife. Where's the loyalty and respect for the woman they took vows with and married, the mother of their children? & theyre out there talking about her disrespectuflly as if she's the lowest of the low, just so they can get a regular legover elsewhere?

I mean, most of us wouldnt even do that to a mate..would we?..eg be super friendly with her, then an absolute bitch about her behind her back, then back to smiling friendship next day safe in knowledge that, she's blissfully unaware what you've said about her.

The OP's so called 'man' for instance - he's painting his wife as a monstrous woman with no morals and standards whatsoever. He's barefaced in that, he can play happy families with her and their children because they dont know what he's saying. I bet his DCs wouldnt be fine with him if they knew how he was speaking about their mother. & to who. & because he is discrediting his wife/their mother, some jumped up little woman with her nose way too far in a family's business, a family she knows nothing about, feels she can discredit his wife too. A man who talked so dismissively of his wife - or any woman - wouldnt get 5 minutes airtime from me. No thanks.

The hypocrisy of it all is pretty sad..

Yes, it is horrendous behaviour, not just the infidelity but like you say, the brutal character assassination of a spouse, just to 'get sex' and, sex with somebody else that's being lied to/treated like a disposable object. how is it possible to go about normal business without conscience weighing heavily???

the brutal character assassination of a spouse, just to 'get sex'

Exactly, Umpire

I guess for people like that they simply don't have a conscience, and they're weak in character. I wouldn't want such an underhand untrustworthy backstabbing person, or anyone who colludes with such a person knowing exactly what they're like, within 1ft of me. What possible redeeming features could there be? Unfathomable, to me.

This man will dump OP soon enough. He'll already be thinking of ways to extricate himself. She's talking to him about his wife & DCs. She's put a thread about him & wife, on here - and she claims he's seen it. I bet his alarm bells are ringing out loud,now. He'll be thinking 'uh-oh she's trying to get too close & that means problems'. He'll spin OP a line about needing time to sort out issues concerning wife. Or, he needs to be there for his DCs who are going through some issues. Or,his work hours/patterns have changed..

It beggars belief that OP would even want this total waste of space for a lifepartner (even though she denies it, thats exactly what she wants hence the effort being put into dissing his wife and trying to force his hand into doing something about his life situation). It certainly takes all sorts in this world...