To expect my boyfriend to realise his wife is a gold digger and vindictive person?

[NMC89]

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, having been friends for some time before that. We have a large age difference but have an incredible bond and are best friends. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years but they still live in the same house (they don't have sex). I live in London and she lives in Italy - he commutes, spending the week with me in the UK and the weekends with his children.

She has had multiple affairs openly and manipulates him unbearably (she has threatened to stop him seeing his children). He financially supports her (as well as her sister and brother). I find her behaviour disgusting, she only speaks to him when she wants money or a new car and refuses to do anything for him or the household (she is a sahm) - including disciplining the children, cooking, cleaning or food shopping. He does all these when he gets back after a week working in the UK. I try hard not to constantly be horrible about her, but it is hard to see the man I love being taken advantage of so viciously. I know they are not going to divorce (for the sake of their children) but I really can't see how this is a good alternative. He admits that she is awful and has got very angry about some of the things she has done (notably bringing her boyfriend to their family home to spend the night when his children were there), but he is incapable of doing anything about it and has aided her boyfriend's business and bought her property. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?

Yeah, op, if you've had abusive pms, please report them, nobody has the right to do that.

OP you can say what you like about his wife. He still wants contact with her and supports her financially - because he wants to. So she cant be as bad as he's painted her. Unless he is seriously weak and can be walked over in which case, what on earth would you want to saddle yourself with a weak man for anyway. However - it is pretty weak to believe an MMs sob story about the oh so evil wife. Him having been Mr Perfect all along, of course..probably driven to an affair by the evil wife..poor thing.

Im not sure you do believe him actually, if you were sure about him and his stance in all this you wouldnt be posting (venting?!) here. He's made you unsure and despite you mildly having a go at other posters whove advised you very sensibly - the fact still remains that its him making you unsure, not anyone here. & thats for you to deal with - if however you can face him with real questions..and handle the truth of your situation.

Not to mention your MM is an immature bigmouth, dissing the mother of his children to all and sundry, knowing she has no input with her side of the story. Not pleasant behaviour at all.

You want to know whether you should tell him how vile his wife is? I say yes..go ahead and tell him exactly what you think of his wife. But I bet, you wont get the reply you want. Thats why thus far - you havent asked him. You may not have heard what you wanted to hear, on Mumsnet. But you wont hear what you want to hear from him, either. Swings & roundabouts...

Good luck OP.
Push him and get to the bottom of this. Take charge.
You are so young, don't waste your precious time with 'bad' love life, you deserve more.
Good luck.

It all sounds like a warped fairy tale, it won't be. Look at Anthia Turner. She was the OW, he left Della for Anthia, then went bankrupt and cheated on Anthia. He will do the same to you one day OP.

" They pointed me to mumsnet as a bit of a social experiment regarding perceptions of relationships. "

This strikes me as very clumsy. Am I the only one that thinks this whole thread is a load of hooey??

^Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?^

Absolutely not.
Way to go.
Good luck!

Yes OP, do show him this thread. His reaction will tell you all you need to know!

If you're going to stay with him, at least get him to
Buy you nice things and pay the rent!

kitnkaboodle tbh Im now vaguely thinking the same. False post, as part of a social experiment. The situation sounds dramatic to the point of being unbelievable.

Experiment conclusion: women always side with wifey

There you go.

The conclusion is "women side with wifey" ?

Am not sure I am reading the same thread.

It must be so very frustrating for posters when everyone thinks you're making things up. This mad tale is actually someone's life. What is she supposed to do now?

I have never been cheated on in my marriage, so please don't assume everyone on this thread is projecting their own hurt.

Snap. Have a lovely faithful dh of 20yrs. OP, why do you think that most, if not all the posts on here are unanimous? Read the relationship threads, look at the lies the wives have uncovered, as told by their husbands. Pretty similar to what your boyfriend is telling you. Making excuses for not getting divorced etc. Showing you just enough that you think all is OK so don't feel the need to 'snoop'.

They all follow the same pattern, you are not stupid, but you are massively naive. There is a reason that you & he aren't 'out there' 'public' and that is because you are his secret. Yes, show him this thread, it will be interesting to hear what he has to say.

To answer your question, surely of he is separated, he already knows what a 'gold digger' of a ex he has & doesn't need you telling him. But in reality, by telling him, he will know that his lies are convincing you & will happy with himself.

Also, if they are separated and he has teens, why don't they visit him in London at the weekends now & then? He doesn't have to go home, does he?

Does he stay at the marital home at weekends? Because if his teens are old enough to be exposed to the wives boyfriend during he week, but know that dad still stays at weekends, they are probably pretty much older teens, therefore, they would accept you, hands down!

The truth is, that you ARE the ow. The wife seemingly has no worried with the kids meeting her boyfriend, so why should the husband care?

Lies, op. All lies. Please wake up to him before he leaves you high & dry, possibly pregnant.

I find it really interesting that everyone automatically sides with the 'wife'
This is what the OP said MistAllChuckingFrighty - hence my tongue in cheek comment about all women siding with wifey.

If you do pop in for a revisit, NMC, please will you clarify something for me? I can't tell whether you think they are still together or separated. If they aren't 'together', surely it is perfectly normal for her to be dating and teen children would expect that? I can't for the life of me see why you're cross about it - even if you had a right to an opinion on her love life, which you don't. If YOU believe they're still a couple, then that would explain why YOU feel it's a bit off for her to entertain her lover in the family home.

The other thing is her complaint about not having sex with him. If you believe they're a couple, then you will believe she's pissed off that he doesn't shag her. If you believe they're separated, why would she complain about it, given they're not supposed to be shagging?

I don't think people are especially siding with the wife. There are an awful lot of people siding with the OP, because they believe that she deserves better than this sham of a relationship.

OP - has your DP told his wife about you? Are you secret from her as well as the children? Or are the children just his excuse for not telling her about you?

I think you should take a weekend to go to Italy without his knowledge and check his story out. Was she having the affairs before he embarked on his with you? If he really wanted to be with you .... he would be.

Both the OP and the MM are cheats. Given this, its a bit rich for OP to be slandering the wife.

Very good question garlictrivia. I wonder if you'd get a clear, definitive answer on that one?

I'm loath to believe OP is completely unaware this man is still with his wife. There are way too many obvious signs if she wanted the truth of the matter she'd have searched for it herself. She isn't a baby. Instead she's here after being directed to Mumsnet as a 'useful social experiment?!' & has complained that some posters are taking wife's side as if, a mass wave of sympathy from Mumsnetters is an expectation, and will make up for fact she can't ask 'her' man to be direct and truthful - nor will she seek truth for herself - because she knows, she probably won't like what she discovers.

Abusive pm's? Really? I've seen several OW posts in the past and not heard of this kind of thing before; and I mean let's face it, Mumsnetters are pretty straight talkers who don't mince their words on threads. So what's the thing with abusive pm's? About what? Anyway..you live and learn I guess

Is not "siding with the wife" to point out that the man appears to be very happy with this arrangement, and she does too, and they are providing stability and consistent family life for their DC.

So it is, in this case, the third party (or parties if the wife has lovers too) who will be the disposable part of the arrangement. Now, if OP is genuinely happy to settle for that role, en that's fine. She is an adult, and it's not compulsory to want to be someone's primary partner. Knowing you are permanently second best can, however be very hostile to your self esteem and definitely to sense of self-worth. This is concern for OP, not 'siding with wife'.

But if this whole thread is an experimental construct to "prove" that "MN always" takes a certain line, you won't agree with either my view, or spot the nuanced advice throughout this thread, will you?

There's nothing glamorous in being someone's weeknight companion. Do you see him every night when he is in London? Or is he " busy" some nights?

Its quite sad really, what do you do at weekends? Stay in and make yourself lovely for when he arrives? Ffs go out and meet people your own age. And sort out NYE now. Not clutching your mobile waiting for a crumb to fall in your direction.

What does your dad think of this Lothario? Has he met him?

I have been on both sides. My exh cheated on me & i have dated married men. I am not siding with the wife when i say to you that he is lying to you. You are not his girlfriend, you are his mistress. I am speaking from experience.

Other posters as well as myself want you to wake up, leave him & have a live, a relationship where you are not been made a fool of.

OP: my boyfriend's wife is a bitch
MN: your boyfriend is lying to you, you deserve better
OP: you're all siding with his wife!
MN:

you are his shag buddy that is all nothing more he is not your boyfriend HTH

This.

OP if you are still reading, how about suggesting that he skype/face times his DC while at yours? That would surely be normal with teenage DC. Then you could be introduced or just naturally hovering in the background.

I suspect he might think its a bad idea.

Why? Because you are a secret!

Geddit? You are a secret.

You are a secret because you are the OW.

I know you don't want to hear it but it's true.

Two things:

Lots of women only find out what their very good friends really think about their partners/DHs after the couple have split. Many women are surprised because they thought their friends liked him. Your friends will have known what the MN response would be if they are fans. Your lovely friends are trying to tell you something.

Please report abusive PMs to MNHQ - they are very clear that these breach the site rules

'Together' with boyfriend for 2 years. In all that time - never met his teens, friends, colleagues, etc - nobody at all. WHERE does the word 'together' actually fit into this scenario? Talk about accepting crumbs & trying to make it sound like its the full loaf. Seriously doubting this post is for real though, anyway.