To be really fucking annoyed at DP

[ControversialAnnie]

Sorry this might be a bit rambly, I'm really angry.

We don't live together at the moment as he doesn't want to. We have two DC under 3 and I live as a LP, with him visiting us for one or to days a week.

We fell out last week over his priorities, but he apologised yesterday so all was well again. Last night he asked to borrow £40 to go out, which considering I'm on benefits is quite a lot to me. He does this most weeks, but as usual I said yes as he was laying it on thick with how he would pay me back ASAP, he needed time out etc.

I've just seen the dreaded Facebook. He went out and got so slaughtered that he couldn't go to work today, which will get him in trouble no doubt.

It doesn't sound so big written down, but I'm so angry. I struggle to run a house with two lively toddlers, sort our finances out, do everything and he swans in for one day a week and lives his life as a single man. I need a break, but I never get one. When he's here he sleeps until lunchtime and the kids are up at 5am every day. I have other issues that mean I don't get any time to relax when they are in bed.

So, AIBU? Because I'm sure he'll tell me I am, and I don't want to fight if I'm in the wrong.

So OP you if would think this is acceptable for your children to be treated like this?

He really is manipulating you and passing the blame. Please realise this! He's making it your fault and taking no responsibility.

If he wanted to, he would be with you.

I know it won't work. It won't even get past the conversation because he won't agree to it. I can then tell him it's over without any guilt because I have tried. He will try to talk me around but I am determined not to give in this time, that's enough of a task today.

The kids deserve more than this, I want the best for them but I'm finding it so hard.

No, if you offer something, even something you don't think he'll go for that won't work anyway you give him all the power and put yourself in a position of subservience. Bugger feeling guilty.

Is this relationship working? No. Have you tried repeatedly in the past? Yes. Is your partner in fact a wastrel who needs to grow the hell up before he can even begin to respect and honour somebody is half the woman you are? Yes.

Don't mess around making deals in your head. End it or keep it going but don't pretend. It's not helpful.

Oh and have a too You will be fine without him. Better than fine.

NorthernLurker I really don't know what to do. I want to give him this chance but I do know it won't work. I just can't leave it.

I am really going to have to do this, aren't I? I don't know how I will cope. I can't relax in this house on my own, thinking about being alone in it all the time is frightening.

Personally, I think you need to end this.

If you know he'll refuse then why give him the options?

The best thing you can do for your children is move on and become a strong, independent woman who is not pandering to the whims of a man child.

I understand that this is not what you wanted but this is his doing not yours!

thinking about being alone in it all the time is frightening

You're already alone in it sweetheart, with the occasional visit.

He's had his chance but he always turns it around to be your fault. He will do it again.

Stuff what his mother says. She has no rights to see your kids at all unless her son gets off his arse and brings them to see her. She has no right to be in your house and neither does he.

You will cope just fine. Better than fine because you have already practically been a single parent anyway.

I wanted to give him the option because it's easier for me to accept it won't work if I tell him what I need and he disagrees. It's the only way I can get my head round doing this.

I know I am ok as a single parent, I have bad anxiety which gives me panic attacks when I am alone in the house. I literally spend all week in a highly anxious state, and I only relax when there is someone here. It is exhausting and the only thing I am worried about is how bad this will get.

Why do you need to set him up to fail when you already think he will? This isn't a game and all you are doing is giving him another opportunity to let your children and you down again.

walter is right you are already alone. He is only there for one night a week dies sweet FA during that time but sleep.

I don't know. I really don't. I'm not trying to play games.

I just think if I give him my ground rules and he says no or dithers, I will then feel ok to break up with him because I have given him chance to change. If he agrees to shut me up, I will be able to see it when he is here and it will prove to me that it won't work.

We will not be having a physical relationship either way. As someone upthread said, if i cut the sex and money I will see the truth pretty damn quick.

You can start doing something about your social situation so that you aren't alone all of the time, have people over for coffee now and then and go out on occasion, it'll break up the being alone at home. Don't stay with him for that, it's not worth it.

ConfusedPixie I have got lots of support during the day, sent my mobile phone off to be fixed today so will be able to call people again (hoorah).

I have real issues with being alone at night, I have been to the doctors to ask for CBT but they gave me pills instead. Which I can't take because of anxiety.

I have told him we need to talk, he sent me this:
"Yeah but I have no idea what im doing wrong. Yes ok my sleepi ng is shit, always has been, and ive borrowed alot of money, but im trying.. Like really hard.. You wanted me to work so I got a job, but ever since ive got it, my lifes got worse.. And I dont know why.
Everything justt feels like its falling to shit."

He's sending messages like that because he's an immature little boy.

And that's fine when you're 22.

It's not fine when you're 22 with children to support.

You've had to grow up. He's refusing to.

This will go round and round in circles. You need to make the break. Trust me when I say it will get better.

Your anxiety won't worsen. It's already bad 6 nights out of 7!

He's taking the absolute piss and both you and your dc deserve better. He's incapable of giving better based on his whiny, self-indulgent, me-me-me responses.

It's on you. Make the break. Concentrate on yourself and your children. You will be so much happier.

Annie, I've been following but haven't posted yet. I think you should follow whatever method you feel will make you strongest. So if that's for him to make the decision for you by not agreeing to your new rules then that's what you should do.

Emotionally, this is tough for you and I understand the anxiety of being alone is awful. The problem is, until now your anxiety has been caused by the insecurity of your relationship and it's now become so twisted and warped that it feels like a release when he comes "home".
However if you take him out of your life, you will know exactly where you stand. You won't be relying on him for your self esteem and self worth. Right now, he's in direct control of how you feel, by making your life unpredictable.

So if you remove him, you will remove the control that is causing this anxiety to start off with. You need to see that he isn't stopping your anxiety from getting out of control by breaking up the week and giving you the occasional bit of attention. Instead he is keeping your anxiety at a high and is constantly holding you over the edge of that cliff.

Many partners move away from their family to be with their partner and start their own family. It's not an amazing act of kindness, it's what people do because the relationship means so much to them. So the fact he "doesn't want to" be with his partner and children is absolutely crazy. Imagine how you'd feel if someone told you you could only see your children once or twice a week-it would kill you. Why is it not killing him? Moving from his friends is absolutely nothing to be with your children. If there's not enough pull now than an ultimatum is a waste of time anyway. Even if he agrees, why didn't he do it himself? To normal people, his behaviour just doesn't make sense.

The biggest thing for me is that he shouldn't have a choice. If you make children then it's absolutely tough, it doesn't matter what sacrifices you have to give, those children come first. So needing time to himself is a piss take and you should just tell him so. It's not a reason to excuse not to look after your family.
Look at what you are dealing with, when's your time out? You don't get any as you are a parent...but so is he! The bottom line is, he's either a full time parent, with you or you separate and he deals with his own issues. There is no in between!!

Take charge of this situation in whichever way you feel you need to but don't let your strength waver!!

Are you claiming benefits as a single parent?

I have told him. I said I can't do this any more and we need to be together and he has to change his mindset drastically, or apart. But no in-between any more.

CarryOnDancing I hadn't thought of it like that, but stress does heighten my anxiety a lot so I'm sure you are right with what you say about that. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to be here either, I would move Heaven and Earth to be with my children if I didn't live with them.

I am taking charge. I am stronger than I think repeat in head

RTFT Sticky

Yes StickySausages I am. I don't really see another option at the moment.

Annie I really feel for you.
I hope you're feeling supported here and that there's no one in real life to point out how the reality of the relationship to you.

The stuff that concerned me in your posts has been:

a) that he borrows money
b) that he doesn't help much with kids or house
c) that he doesn't contribute financially

The fact that he lives 40 miles away isn't I don't think the thing that is worrying. If he came each weekend, looked after the kids, was generally helpful, gave money rather than borrowing it, and maybe popped in once during the week I think I would have a different view. The fact that he doesn't know what he has "done wrong" indicates you might be wasting your time, but I agree with you right to set out ultimatum, so you at least you gave him a chance.