To be really fucking annoyed at DP

[ControversialAnnie]

Sorry this might be a bit rambly, I'm really angry.

We don't live together at the moment as he doesn't want to. We have two DC under 3 and I live as a LP, with him visiting us for one or to days a week.

We fell out last week over his priorities, but he apologised yesterday so all was well again. Last night he asked to borrow £40 to go out, which considering I'm on benefits is quite a lot to me. He does this most weeks, but as usual I said yes as he was laying it on thick with how he would pay me back ASAP, he needed time out etc.

I've just seen the dreaded Facebook. He went out and got so slaughtered that he couldn't go to work today, which will get him in trouble no doubt.

It doesn't sound so big written down, but I'm so angry. I struggle to run a house with two lively toddlers, sort our finances out, do everything and he swans in for one day a week and lives his life as a single man. I need a break, but I never get one. When he's here he sleeps until lunchtime and the kids are up at 5am every day. I have other issues that mean I don't get any time to relax when they are in bed.

So, AIBU? Because I'm sure he'll tell me I am, and I don't want to fight if I'm in the wrong.

I just found this thread. Annie you are 21, please do not settle for this man. Can you imagine spending the next 60 years feeling this worried and unhappy? That is a truly grim thought.

But AndHarry "this man" at least has a job and intends to support his family. He maintains involvement with his family and is happy to compromise. Men focus much more on money than do women. He may (perhaps mistakenly) have thought he is doing the best for them by working and saving money living with his parents whilst his DP claims benefits. That is an understandable error and doesn't mean he should be written off. The OP loves him and has had DC with him. There has been no infidelity and no unsayable things said. I still think that "this man" is redeemable and that the OP and he can make a go of things if she sticks with her plan.

OP if you are a regular, you will know that MN is full of knee jerk LTB comments by people who might well give you more considered advice if they knew the individuals eg your DP who sounds far from all bad. Yes, he recently borrowed £40 from you and used it to get drunk and then missed work. BAD MISTAKE. But it's not a pattern yet. We all make mistakes and he sounds willing to try things your way. Good luck.

But it's not a pattern yet

Did you miss the post where OP says this behaviour is an improvement on their previous relationship?!

Any man is better than no man at all, right Plum?

God forbid the OP should find herself single and happy.

I am 100% sure I am not committing fraud, I have been upfront with the benefits people about being together but living apart. I am a bit worried now though.

I didn't accept the 'if you want me to'. He tried the whiny shit but I set him straight, no more 'woe is me'. I also said I am doing this for him as well, I have enabled him for way too long and he would have to get used to me saying no to him.

I put it very plainly to him, he won't be moving in until he can prove he's worth it for me. If he can manage to step up and be a proper Partner/Dad when he's here then I will be happy for him to look for work here in January. One slip up and it's finished.

I think I did quite well... Not the LTB most of you suggested but I feel happy with the outcome, and I know I will be ok quitting this relationship if he doesn't grow up. No man is better than the wrong man...

HelpYourself I am bettering myself, taking courses and learning skills to try and find a job/go to Uni . I want a nice life and a good job, I will get there. That sounds a bit snippy, not meant to be just struggling to phrase things today (been up since 3 with DD).

Coming in late here but I'd like to echo what others have said. This person is in no way good enough to be a partner and father.

Also don't feel the need to be apologetic for being on benefits. No one I know on benefits is receiving a huge sum of money and people shouldn't be making you feel bad about something you simply can't avoid at the minute!

You sound like an intelligent person who can do well for herself - this man will continue to drag you down.

Don't be swayed by feeling sorry for him!

Annie the main thing is you are satisfied with how things are turning out and seem in control of the situation.

ProfPlum I d

Try again...

ProfPlum I don't understand the source of your impression of this man trying. He spends one day a week with the OP and his children, which is mostly spent sleeping He takes money from the OP because he 'needs a break'. From what?!

I don't mind about the snippy, Annie, it was a rude thing for me to say- I just know it's easy to get lost in the day to day, particularly if things are difficult!

Oh no, HelpYouself I didn't take it like that at all, I took it as you being kind to me . I don't get offended easily, I'm normally a tough cookie.

I am pleased with how things are going, although only time will tell I suppose. If it goes well, great, if not well then it's January soon... New year, new start. I feel in control which has eased a lot of pressure off me.

Again, Thanks everyone

"If you consider yourself in a relationship with him and are sleeping with him/having him stay over then I really think this is benefit fraud and you could get into lots of trouble. You haven't really split up, you're still 'together' just living separately. That's still being together for benefits purposes." two nights a week does not constitute living together, and there are no rules about people being on benefits being allowed to be in relationships. And the op is seeking for them to live together - that's hardly living apart for the sake of benefits is it?

Op, if this was just a normal relationship where you were seeking to move in together, I would say that an approach of seeking a resolution was the right one. Either I'm not sure about the part of the ultimatum though that says he should get another job by Christmas. Jobs are not in abundance atm and Christmas is the worst time to try and find work. But I would be encouraging him to look for work closer to you so that you can live together again.

But why did you split up in the first place?

I think I did quite well... Not the LTB most of you suggested but I feel happy with the outcome

That sounds fine OP. You are clearly being more flexible than some on here but it's your choices and your life.

The only suggestion I'd make is be resolute about what you want, and be ready to kick him out once and for all if he doesn't shape up into a worthwhile partner and decent dad in the next month or so.

He is going to start looking for work here after Christmas, I realised I was being a little bit unreasonable asking him to magic a job up before then...

And it gives me time to change my mind if he doesn't shape up.

Thanks again everyone

Oh, just seen your question.

We split up because his depression was taking over and I couldn't cope any more. He wasn't working at the time as he was let down by a job offer, sleeping all day until 6/7pm, doing no housework and drinking too much. I was left with a high needs newborn and a 1yo, in a horribly messy house and had no help. His Mum was a factor too as her comments made my PND so much worse and she blamed me for his depression (I was asking too much of him apparently).