To be really fucking annoyed at DP

[ControversialAnnie]

Sorry this might be a bit rambly, I'm really angry.

We don't live together at the moment as he doesn't want to. We have two DC under 3 and I live as a LP, with him visiting us for one or to days a week.

We fell out last week over his priorities, but he apologised yesterday so all was well again. Last night he asked to borrow £40 to go out, which considering I'm on benefits is quite a lot to me. He does this most weeks, but as usual I said yes as he was laying it on thick with how he would pay me back ASAP, he needed time out etc.

I've just seen the dreaded Facebook. He went out and got so slaughtered that he couldn't go to work today, which will get him in trouble no doubt.

It doesn't sound so big written down, but I'm so angry. I struggle to run a house with two lively toddlers, sort our finances out, do everything and he swans in for one day a week and lives his life as a single man. I need a break, but I never get one. When he's here he sleeps until lunchtime and the kids are up at 5am every day. I have other issues that mean I don't get any time to relax when they are in bed.

So, AIBU? Because I'm sure he'll tell me I am, and I don't want to fight if I'm in the wrong.

YANBU

But you are being treat like a mug. Kick him to the kerb

Glad you are feeling better about it all today, you deserve it x

He replied to my message.

"You created the situation we're in. The reason for me not living with you is work..
I just dont see how this is my fault. I told you, if you move then I will, but until then, this is gonna have to be how it is for now."

I moved away because our situation was dire, I wanted better for the kids. He doesn't want to leave his friends and family but I'm guessing he expects me to leave mine (again) if I want to live with him, which I can't do.

Argh, wavering again. He's being reasonable, I was counting on him being an arse...

and then another one,

"(pet name) I do want to live with you. Just atm I cant. "

Oh no. No no no. I feel bad now. I don't even want to break up with him, I want him to be a normal partner. It's not going to happen it is

He's only using 'reasonable' in your world of 'normal'.

What about everything else?

He's only being 'reasonable'...

Ok I know blaming me isn't reasonable, I don't really know where I was going with that one...

I'm all confused again, and I was so clear last night. I know what I want, just not how to actually do it. It would be so much better if he would just leave me, I could cope with that.

I think that you have set your sights really low if you describe this as a 'real relationship'. This, is fwb, except that he doesn't treat you a friend ie with respect.

1. Change the locks
2. Contact the CSA
3. Do the freedom programme with women's aid, to get some self-respect and self-esteem.

What would you suggest was a reasonable response from him? If I know where to set the bar I will be much stronger when we talk tonight.

Do you really want him to live with you? He sleeps all day, does nothing with the kids, does nothing for you and borrows your money.

He's not capable of commitment or change. His talk is just that.

There is no reasonable response from him because there's been too much damage done!

This needs to end, at least for now. Look at it again in twelve months if you're really not in a better place.

I would bet my house that you won't go back!

Annie Annie Annie! Don't feel bad - he's trying to manipulate you: it's the oldest trick in the book! Everything has to be on his terms doesn't it? This is all your fault isn't it? I bet he's said this a lot to you over the years.

And really, even if you moved in together - do you think he would suddenly be the partner/father you and your kids deserve? Or would he just be the lump in your house cocklodging? Love, he's cocklodging now and he doesn't even live there!

I'm another one wishing you the strength to finish it. And YYY to the above - how dare he insist that he only supports his kids if he wants to, and doesn't "want" to do it if he "has" to? Of course he "has" to - they're his kids!

He needs 'time out'?

From what??

Sounds like you are doing everything and his whole life is a time out.

Lend him no more money. Let him fund his own jollies. Frankly £40 is a lot of cash for a night out- and would probably feed you and your kids for a better part of a week.

What do you and the children gain from this exactly???

His response just shows his priorities differ from your own.
You = wanting the best for your kids
Him = wanting the best for himself

I would point that out to him that he thinks only of himself and nothing of his children.

has he given you the £200 yet?
If he has I would tell him he won't be coming over on Thurday but you will arrange a day that's suitable for you both to talk in private about access to the kids and finances. You won't be drawn on the topic of your relationship Bessie there isn't one.

You don't have to wait for him to leave you. You can wear your big girl pants and do it all on your own! Why should he leave you? He has sex hen he wants, a meal every time, Disney daddy afternoons and his lover gives him money for drink too. What's not to like?!

You have done so well but it isn't finished yet. Work out what you want. You don't want things to carry on as they are so change things. You could tell him you want XYZ from him and see what he says. If he does anything but agree then tell him things are over. He wont step up as he doesn't want too.^ If he does, great but let's see how long it lasts.

I knew you would pull me back. You lot are amazing. Of course you are right.

No I don't want to live with him, well I do but not really. I like the idea but I've seen the reality and It's not good at all.

Yes I usually get the blame, and if it's not him it's his bloody mother telling him it's me, which doesn't help.

I am going to tell him tonight that I don't want a physical relationship until I sort my head out, and I am not lending him anything else. It will at least lay the foundations for what I want. Doesn't sound much but I know he will try to talk me around.

Why would he leave you?

Free sex
Free lodging
Free loans
No commitment
No proper child maintenance

You would be devastated if your children ended up in a "relationship" like this, so why is it good enough for you?

How old is your DP? I am going against the grain here and going to say that perhaps he can prove himself and might not be a write off. On the plus side of the equation, he has shown that he wants to be involved with the children by turning up at weekends and he has paid you back for the rail tickets. If he is very young then perhaps the borrowing of money to go drinking and the lack of his understanding of your position on benefits might be something he can grow out of. But he will only do that if you stay firm and put down some ground rules. It is good that he is in work - is it possible for him to start looking for work near you and your friends rather than near his parents and his friends?

As he doesn't pay rent, it sounds as if his disposable income is a lot greater than yours. You should work it out and split that, also taking into account any reduction in benefits that that means for you. Start there perhaps and see if he is willing to live on the same sort of budget that you have to live on. He also needs to look after the children some weekends and not see it as "helping" but rather as doing a little of his share.

He doesn't sound all bad tbh (and I am preparing for an MN flaming so in advance defence I will make it clear that his behaviour lately has been unacceptable - borrowing money from you to go drinking being the prime example). I can see you are torn. Take your time to make decisions - there is no rush. Good luck.

Come off it prof plum, you would put up with this from a partner?

I don't believe you! Why should the op?

He never takes them out, he does nothing for them, in effect she has three kids to look after.

And what's your idea of good Prof?

Thank you ProfPlum.

He is 22. The drinking doesn't usually happen, he would normally only have a pint or two if he meets a friend. I was more annoyed about him missing work, like it's not even important. He can be a really good partner, but he gets it so monumentally wrong most of the time.

I am going to give him some very clear ground rules, and if he goes against them then that will be it. I know I've tried then. How does this sound?

1. He will find a job here before Christmas
2. He will contribute to our house, and we will take the hit financially together.
3. He does his fair share of childcare and housework when he's here.

Another reason for not moving in, is we will lose money. His words not mine. I feel really strongly that this is wrong, as we should be a family, not trying to get more money out of the state fund by living like this.

Oh, that last post sounds like I am defending him. I'm not, I'm just writing here as it comes.

I am 99% sure that he will not agree to this, but if he does then there's no harm in trying again for a month. It is what I wanted, after all.

I feel much stronger now, although still confused. I know how wrong he has been and that I don't have to put up with it. Whatever the outcome tonight, I'm much ore sure of myself and it will only get better from here.

Please don't think I am giving in, I don't want to upset or frustrate you all. I just need to give this a go before I can admit it won't work at all.

Oh for heavens sake! Sorry I am frustrated with you. This won't work. IT WILL NOT WORK. And why not? Because he isn't the man you want him to be.
You've already got two children with him, why let him in more, in to your home so he screws that up and buggers up your benefit claim. If you're really unlucky you'll end up pregnant again. This man is a waste of space. You've got nothing from this relationship except your kids who are I'm sure utterly lovely and who deserve a way more competent parent than he is. Kick him to the curb and yes actually you may break your heart doing it. Hearts mend.