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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fucking annoyed at DP

240 replies

ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 19:24

Sorry this might be a bit rambly, I'm really angry.

We don't live together at the moment as he doesn't want to. We have two DC under 3 and I live as a LP, with him visiting us for one or to days a week.

We fell out last week over his priorities, but he apologised yesterday so all was well again. Last night he asked to borrow £40 to go out, which considering I'm on benefits is quite a lot to me. He does this most weeks, but as usual I said yes as he was laying it on thick with how he would pay me back ASAP, he needed time out etc.

I've just seen the dreaded Facebook. He went out and got so slaughtered that he couldn't go to work today, which will get him in trouble no doubt.

It doesn't sound so big written down, but I'm so angry. I struggle to run a house with two lively toddlers, sort our finances out, do everything and he swans in for one day a week and lives his life as a single man. I need a break, but I never get one. When he's here he sleeps until lunchtime and the kids are up at 5am every day. I have other issues that mean I don't get any time to relax when they are in bed.

So, AIBU? Because I'm sure he'll tell me I am, and I don't want to fight if I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
umiaisha · 24/11/2013 19:36

Immature prick. Do what is best for you and your children and get rid.

cantheyseeme · 24/11/2013 19:37

You get money for yourself and dcs not to be pissed up the wall, you obv know he is out of order so dont allow him to do it.

thebody · 24/11/2013 19:38

assuming this post is for real then for fucks sake kick the useless twat out of your life.

if not for your sake but for the sake of your children.

do you want then learning that this is a normal relationship?

please don't do that.

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 19:40

Thanks for all the replies, I've been trying to post for ages because I knew I would get harsh advice here and I need it.

In short, we did live together but I left him. We have been 'taking things slowly' for about 18 months. I am young, he is my first 'real' relationship and I assumed things would get better. It has got better by a mile since we split last time but it's not enough.

DWP know everything, I never flout rules and have told them and Tax Credits the situation. They are happy with it. I don't want to be on benefits, I hate it but have no choice at the moment.

I do love him, I know he loves me also but he thinks that's enough. From reading threads here I know I should expect more but what can I do? I can't imagine leaving him.

I feel like such an idiot writing that down, I know exactly what I would be saying to someone else...

OP posts:
Mabelface · 24/11/2013 19:41

Don't give him another fucking penny. How DARE he take money off you that should be used to care for you and the kids. he's as good as taking food out of your children's mouths. You don't need a twat like this in your life. Kick him to the kerb and allow yourself to be on your own until you're ready for a proper, adult relationship with a proper grown up man, instead of this child. You and your kids deserve far better.

tinmug · 24/11/2013 19:41

I know he loves me

What makes you say that?

phantomnamechanger · 24/11/2013 19:41

Look OP, you are in a sorry state of a relationship with a selfish immature pratt who will take everything he can and give nothing in return.

you are worth more than that.

are your kids boys or girls? do you want boys to grow up thinking this is how women should be treated by their menfolk? Do you want your daughters to think being taken for granted and treated like crap is normal?

you really do owe it to them as well as you to get shot of that waste of space. he does not love you, or value you. He thinks only of himself. You deserve so much better.

redshifter · 24/11/2013 19:43

Of course he doesn't want to live with you. You will lose a lot of your benefits if he did and he would have to spend his wages providing for you and his DC.

You are being used and laughed at probably. I can't believe how you haven't seen this.

Why would you have 2 DC with a working man you are in a relationship with but not expect him to financially support you in any way?

RandomMess · 24/11/2013 19:44

Fear is not a reason to stay in a non-relationship. It's not really a relationship at all by the sounds of it.

I hope he pays you maintenance for the dc.

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 19:46

I am for real, I know it sounds like a bloody stupid situation.

In response to tinmug I would usually say he shows it in other ways, but this thread is making me question everything. If I am annoyed at him, he will do something nice and then I feel guilty carrying on.

I do not want my children growing up thinking this is ok, I was hoping to either leave or be a family by the time they would start remembering things like that. God, that really does sound stupid written down.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/11/2013 19:46

He doesn't love you, he really doesn't. If he did, he'd be living with you, looking after his children and not sponging off you.

You are convenient for him. Get rid. How would your life be any different?

pictish · 24/11/2013 19:46

He loves the convenience of popping in when he can be arsed to, while living the single, responsibility free life the rest of the time.
He loves your purse being open to him.
He loves pleasing himself.
He loves that you are agreeable to all of the above.

He sure as eggs is eggs doesn't love you. Not in the manner the rest of us would define it.
You're a facilty to him, nothing more.

LittleBearPad · 24/11/2013 19:46

Why do you love him?

How do you know he loves you?

NeedaWee · 24/11/2013 19:48

I'd be more angry with myself than him for being a doormat

ChasedByBees · 24/11/2013 19:49

It sounds HUGE written down.

He's not going to change - what would be the impetus? You give him money, do all the childcare and household tasks alone while he gets to go out on the piss with the meagre amount of money you have. He should be giving you money (and especially once you LTB) He's a twat.

WhoNickedMyName · 24/11/2013 19:49

He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to live with you. He doesn't want to participate in family life.

You are a convenient shag and a cashpoint.

Scrape the remains of your self respect of the floor, have a bit of pride, stop sleeping with him and stop giving him money.

I guarantee after that you won't see him for dust.

tinmug · 24/11/2013 19:51

If I am annoyed at him, he will do something nice

That's not love. That's doing the bare minimum to maintain the status quo, which suits him extremely well. He does not give a shit about you, he has no respect for you whatsoever (not because there's anything wrong with you, by the way - he behaves like this because he's a fucking prick), and you really, really need to end things with him.

sebsmummy1 · 24/11/2013 19:51

Errm redshifter has hit the nail on the head. He is allowing taxpayers to pay for his children so he can continue to live as a single man and take occasional handouts into the bargain. Absolutely shocking.

Mabelface · 24/11/2013 19:51

He's nice to you when you're annoyed to get the status quo back to where he likes it - you funding his piss ups and putting up with his infantile behaviour.

foreverondiet · 24/11/2013 19:53

He has it all.

Single life
No responsibility
Sex when he bothers to pop in
Someone to lend him money
Someone to look after his children
Access to his children when he wants

LTB.

Make sure he pays you maintenance for them and also has access to the children such that you get a break too.

Or if you really love him - an ultimatum - he moves in and is an equal parent - financially and also looking after them in evenings / weekends.

pictish · 24/11/2013 19:53

If I am annoyed at him, he will do something nice, and then I feel guilty for carrying on

Yes...I have no doubt he knows exactly what minimum effort he needs to put in to shut you up and keep you pliable.
That's not love. That's self preservation.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/11/2013 19:55

This isn't a real relationship. It's not a relationship at all. This isn't how a relationship should be.

I know you said you are young but staying because its all you know isn't a reason. There's nothing worth keeping!

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 19:56

I do expect to be supported. The 'plan' was always for him to find another job and we could move in together again, but he has been there two months now and is 'not ready'. This is why we argued, because I expect maintenance payments and he 'couldn't afford it' this month. It has made me question his motives for staying with me.

I don't know why I love him, I just do. He can be kind and funny, and just normal. It's not enough though, is it? I guess I feel like we've gotten over so much already, we can do this as well. Does that make sense?

tinmug that's exactly how I feel.

sebsmummy1 Yes, that's right. I am so ashamed of that fact. Tax payers are paying for my children because he wants to be young and free.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 24/11/2013 19:57

He'd take money from you which is for you and the kids to live on because he needed time out?

He can get to fuck. He's a massive cocklodger.

Cut the ties with him and make sure he takes on his responsibilities, pays maintenance and has the kids every other weekend to give you the break you definitely need.

What a wanker.

puntasticusername · 24/11/2013 19:57

Op. Love. I truly think the people who've posted on this thread care more about you than your "D"P.

The fact that you've posted here shows what you want to do. I would encourage you to do it, asap, and start getting on with the rest of your life. You are worth much more than this.