To be really fucking annoyed at DP

[ControversialAnnie]

Sorry this might be a bit rambly, I'm really angry.

We don't live together at the moment as he doesn't want to. We have two DC under 3 and I live as a LP, with him visiting us for one or to days a week.

We fell out last week over his priorities, but he apologised yesterday so all was well again. Last night he asked to borrow £40 to go out, which considering I'm on benefits is quite a lot to me. He does this most weeks, but as usual I said yes as he was laying it on thick with how he would pay me back ASAP, he needed time out etc.

I've just seen the dreaded Facebook. He went out and got so slaughtered that he couldn't go to work today, which will get him in trouble no doubt.

It doesn't sound so big written down, but I'm so angry. I struggle to run a house with two lively toddlers, sort our finances out, do everything and he swans in for one day a week and lives his life as a single man. I need a break, but I never get one. When he's here he sleeps until lunchtime and the kids are up at 5am every day. I have other issues that mean I don't get any time to relax when they are in bed.

So, AIBU? Because I'm sure he'll tell me I am, and I don't want to fight if I'm in the wrong.

Minimum wage full time is around £800 a month. £200 goes to you. What kind of idiot can't budget £600 a month income? A weekly train ticket to see his kids, travel to work, mobile phone, being generous that's £300 a month. Food is taken care of but a daily macdonalds is still only another £100 a month. He has plenty of money, he just chooses to spend it elsewhere.

Daily McD's is more like £200 a month I'd say unless you're eating happy meals!

And if he gets pizza, curry, chinese etc they're all far more expensive.

And you can easily spend £60-100 on a night out so if he's having just one a week, that's the whole budget gone.

It's just ridiculous, and disgusting TBH. How dare he call himself a father? Just so entitled.

Excellent point about the "maintenance" payments.

I'm sorry Annie, but you're not in a relationship.

Actually, YOU are but he's most definitely not.

Yes you are all right, having lived with him I know he spends money like it's going out of fashion. I just thought he'd grown up a bit since then.

I am going to send him another message, it's much easier for me than seeing him. I want to tell him I won't be buying his tickets anymore, I am serious about the ultimatum and that he will need to sort out Christmas presents for the kids on his own (I have bought them all bar one, which we are going halves on).

I feel safe to give the option because I know what he will choose. If thought he would actually move in with me I wouldn't do it, but it's an easier way for me to do this.

I really, really don't want to damage my kids by letting this carry on. I feel very sad today though, it will be so hard to see him and not be strong. I always give in when he comes over.

I call it maintenance, he calls it 'helping out'.

OP you sound lovely. You have done well to take on board all the (good) advice on this thread. I am sure it was a shock to you on one level. Making changes is hard. Being at home on benefits with 2 small DC is hard. You are coping brilliantly and must manage your money well to have any left over to lend to your DP. You never know, perhaps things will work out once your DP has had a reality check (but don't rely on that).

In the meantime, you need some sort of break/support. Do you see your mother still? Will she take the children occasionally whilst you go out? Do you know any other mothers locally that you meet at toddler groups? Make a real effort to forge friendships then possibly you can eg have days off where your DC got to them in return for you having one day with 4 - it sounds like hard work but when I had an arrangement like that it was brilliant: the day with all 4 small children was one where I devoted myself to them and wasn't trying to get other stuff done and then I had a whole day to catch up AND have a couple of hours to myself.

Incidentally, I am afraid I agree with all the other posters that you have been accepting the shabbiest of shabby treatments and need to put your foot down. Sorry, it will only get worse if you continue as you are . But with changes it will get better

Good luck!

OP have you checked that you aren't committing benefit fraud? I don't know what you claim or on what basis but generally speaking if you have a partner who lives as though you were married ( in benefit speak this means thins like, eats and stays at the house regularly, have children together, share money, shop together, holiday together) then your finances have to be considered joint. If he's working then you may be in bother.

As far as concerns the two if you. What the hell is going on. You have offered him a man's perfect set up! Sex, love, family life.....twice a week and the bachelor life for the other 5 days.

If this works for you then fair enough but it doesn't sound like it does. What are you going to do?

Thank you ProfPlum, I have asked my mother to do a swap. I will have her little ones one afternoon, she will have mine the next week. Hope she says yes.

I try hard to make friends but it never goes well. I go to groups and I'm chatty and friendly but I mostly get a short non-response. I thought it was my age (I'm 21 but only look about 15) so I tried a young parents' group, it was worse there, they ignored me completely!

My aunt is a God-send and I see her most days, she has offered to babysit if I ever go out.

I have checked with benefits but it is a worry, I know from experience that they change their minds about things with no warning. He doesn't contribute here at all so we do not have joint finances. I buy the food shopping etc, can't afford holidays, we don't do anything 'together' like that.

Thatisall, I am typing one-handed at the moment (NAK) so won't go into it again, but I am doing something about it. Think I said it on page 5?

It's not a man's perfect set up, it's an immature twat's perfect set up. DP and I lived in separate countries for a while, DP got all the nice parts, got to skype with DS and be exciting daddy, would turn up with sweets and toys and be the best thing since sliced bread, we would have ridiculous sex because we had missed each other so much, and he had the complete bachelor life and freedom in between. He was miserable. He got on with it because that was the situation, but he missed DS terribly and he missed me as well and couldn't wait for us all to come over so that we could be all together His friends at work tell me he is a totally different person now we are here. And he's not even DS' birth father, he's technically a step-dad.

This man is taking the piss.

YY OP I am glad to hear you have a plan. Stay strong! Find the anger

Good to see you have a plan Op! Re friends, have you looked on here for local meets? There are bound to be some :)

Annie I'm sad for you that you haven't found a nice group to join where you can find friends.

Is there a church Mums and Tots group near you? For most of them you don't need to attend church to go along. If so why not give it a try (if it is not against your own principles or religion). If you contact the group leader and let them know you don't know anyone I'd hope they would go out of their way to introduce you. If there are Christians in the group they will know that they should include you and not to be cliquey. I can't promise they won't be.. (there are plenty of hypocrites anywhere) but I can tell you that I run a church Mum's group with over 40 members and it is my greatest priority that every single Mum that walks in the door is welcomed and included.

Thumbs up to op, sounds as if you're getting more sure of what you want to do and getting a plan together to do it, good stuff!

Just one point to pick up on - where he gets all outraged about you checking up on what he should be paying for his children, and saying it doesn't work that way, he contributes because he WANTS to.

Er, no. He is quite wrong. He SHOULD pay for his children, because HE IS THEIR FATHER, it's not something he does because he happens to feel like being generous. It is his obligation, not his grace and favour. What happens if he decides he doesn't feel like it any more? I mean it's not even as if he's contributing a lot, it's nothing like 50/50 on the kids' living expenses is it? He may happen to want to contribute too, which is great, but he should be under no illusion about the fact that whether or not he wants to support his own children is really not the most important part of the arrangement.

Grrrrrr!

OK look
People who love you don't take money from you that you need for your kids and a very basic life (I've been on income support, it's not enough to do anything more than buy food and pay the bills, if that, certainly there's none left over for lending).
Breaking up with someone is painful but really in practical terms it's going to hardly make a blind bit of difference to your life because he's not there most of the time anyway and when he is there he's not helping with the kids.
You don't need this kind of shite, and your kids don't need to see a grown man acting like this. If you can't do it for your sake, do it for theirs- you're a better role model when you're not acting like a doormat!

Re being 21 and looking 15, I was exactly the same when I had my first, got loads of abuse from random strangers for being a 'teen mum' when I wasn't even one, but keep trying with groups and find one which is more supportive, if there's any sure start or whatever it's called now centres near you they may be better than toddler groups full of posh mums.

YY sure start was good for me too. Plus there was a breastfeeding support group which tended to have more open-minded people in it.

Good news about your mum . Well done for being so strong and so positive. I have a feeling everything will work out for you as long as you keep that attitude and don't let it all get on top of you (easier said than done, I know). Meantime, try and enjoy those lovely children of yours.

xxx

I will try the local meet-ups, I have thought about it before but I'm a bit scared to go just in case they all judge me. I know that they won't now so I can give that a shot.

The ones I've tried are generally church ones, with one surestart. Staff are friendly enough (apart from one church group, where the leader took a dislike to me) but it's the other parents I find don't like me much. There is one nice one I got to but it's 10 miles away so I only get there once a month. I didn't fit in with the YP's group at all, my Mum suggested I should have not worn my normal clothes and tried to fit in a little more but I don't want to do that. I think she was joking though

Puntastic That is exactly how I feel, and that's what I have said to him. I told him when he started that I will not be 'asking' for any money, I expect it. Sadly I can never say no, but I am learning.

I suspect that on his part it might be "just" an issue with how he prefers to view supporting his children ie "I'm not doing it JUST because I have to" sort of thing, but it's a potentially harmful habit of thought anyway, and I think you're dead right to pull him up on that point.

Annie They won't judge you, I can promise that much :) Our local meets have Mums of all ages and there are a few of us non-parents too, it's been a life saver for me :)

I'm in such a good mood today, I swear I'm 10lbs lighter without the stress of not knowing.

I will definitely come to a meet up, erm, how do I find one?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/meetups

Just keep posting on here, everybody will ensure you stick with it! :)

I'm glad your feeling better today Annie,

Glad you can see how it could affect your DCs, I wish I could have the situation I was in has really affected my 6 yo, he went through the pain when we first split up, the he got used to him being here at the weekend and then nothing for weeks now as I won't let his Dad do as he pleases, he cries himself to sleep and blames me as I told his father he can't stay over when ever it please him.

Your little ones are young enough to (hopefully) forget.