To be really fucking annoyed at DP

[ControversialAnnie]

Sorry this might be a bit rambly, I'm really angry.

We don't live together at the moment as he doesn't want to. We have two DC under 3 and I live as a LP, with him visiting us for one or to days a week.

We fell out last week over his priorities, but he apologised yesterday so all was well again. Last night he asked to borrow £40 to go out, which considering I'm on benefits is quite a lot to me. He does this most weeks, but as usual I said yes as he was laying it on thick with how he would pay me back ASAP, he needed time out etc.

I've just seen the dreaded Facebook. He went out and got so slaughtered that he couldn't go to work today, which will get him in trouble no doubt.

It doesn't sound so big written down, but I'm so angry. I struggle to run a house with two lively toddlers, sort our finances out, do everything and he swans in for one day a week and lives his life as a single man. I need a break, but I never get one. When he's here he sleeps until lunchtime and the kids are up at 5am every day. I have other issues that mean I don't get any time to relax when they are in bed.

So, AIBU? Because I'm sure he'll tell me I am, and I don't want to fight if I'm in the wrong.

What is it about our society that tells us that being single is so unbelievably, intolerably, heinously awful...?

On whose planet is being an independent, autonomous, free individual, with no-one to answer to but yourself, possibly worse than what this OP is going through?

I just don't understand what we're bringing our children up to believe, nor teaching and instilling in each other, that it has come to this. :(

There are some quite unfathomable threads on this board, in terms of the relationships people put up with, but this one really takes some beating. And that truly is saying something. Even just reading it makes you lose the will to live; I have no idea how someone actually lives it.

Annie, I wish you all the epiphanies and luck in the world to put this behind you.

Good luck for thursday, you are totally without question doing tge right thing

I had no idea this was so bad, I mean, he has never hurt me so It's nothing compared to some stories I've seen on here.

I have sent him a message, I couldn't wait until Thursday. I wimped out a bit and didn't say it's finished yet, it said:

"I cant do this any more. It's eating me up that you aren't with us, and dont want to be. I need a break from the kids but I have to be a single parent with no time off."

That was it, no blame, no talk of splitting. Just an opportunity for him to step up. Guess what? No reply. He saw it last night, plenty of time to reply. I guess that's my answer.

I'm not sure where to go from here, I don't really want him staying in my house but it's the only way he can see the kids. He can't afford to take them anywhere nice and he doesn't have a house of his own either. I wouldn't trust him looking after them from a whole day, nor would he want to... Do I need some sort of contact order?

I would be very embarrassed to go to the CAB about this, I don't think I need legal help as he is more likely to never see them than try and take them away. His mother on the other hand

But would it be fair to tell him to take them out for the day? I'm only concerned that his Mum will get involved and insist on them going there. She has two big dogs and one has already snapped at DS when he was little but they insist the dogs are fine around them.

What a horrid situation OP from the tone of your posts it's obvious you are feeling downtrodden and perhaps don't value yourself as much as you should- also it's obvious you care about your DCS lots......
With that in mind- what would you say if one of your DC came home and told you about their "relationship" like this? Would you be be furious that someone was treating them that way? Use that feeling to motivate you to make life better bit just for the DCS but for yourself! They will benefit from a happy mum!

I wasted 10 years of my life with a character like the one you describe Annie. I had such a low self image and self esteem I thought it was all I deserved. I had one child with my x, and thought I was doing the best for my child (and other child).
I wish mumsnet had existed then - I would have realised that my situation was not normal and that I deserved more.

I hope you have the strength to listen and act on the advice you have been given and end this "relationship". I'd he can't see the children or take them anywhere it's his problem not yours. You are responsible for yourself and children, no-one else.
In my opinion it's better to be a single parent (which you are anyway) than put up with such shitty treatment. Use your money to look after your family and any start living a life you deserve.
Please don't waste 10 years like I did.

I do feel downtrodden, not just by him but everything else as well (having a hard time atm). I'm glad though, because it's shown me how much he could have supported me, but hasn't.

I don't feel I've been totally fair to him on this thread. He has also had a really tough time and has dealt with a lot of his issues in the past 18 months. He has now offered to give me all of the maintenance for this month rather than half of it, which I am pleased about.

That said, It's not changing my decision. Please don't worry I've ignored all the advice, I'm still going ahead with it.

I do care a lot about DC (as we all do) and I worry that it will be my fault he doesn't see them. They love him so much, their eyes light up when he comes through the door. In my head it is like this:

He has no money. I have money. He can't get himself here but I can. If I don't give it to him, I am stopping him coming as I could pay afford to pay for it. In my head that is wrong, and I wouldn't like someone to do that to me. But then I would always prioritise that train fare...

I'm going to bet he just ignores that text message, or maybe turns up with garage flowers and some empty promises.

He has no money because he drank it!

It won't be your fault if he doesn't see his kids. He owes you £200 for this month + the £40 he's drunk + how many train fares?

I'm pleased you're starting to see things don't have to be like this. Bottom line is your kids have a dad who atm isn't up to it. Nopbody can change that but him. Don't feel guilty about that. You can't fix that. What you can do is live your own life, build your own self esteem and at some point meet a decent person who treats you with respect. You know what - your kids eyes will light up when they see taht person too and you won't ever have to feel angry or despairing because it will be a relationship built on respect. THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE OP!

Good luck

How kind of him to 'offer' clearly he had the money to give you but chose not too. Now he's willing to hand it over because it buys him some time.
But it will be the same next month.
Don't be too sure the you would get less £ from him if the arrangement was formalised its possible he is lying too you about what he is earning.

Wait there he does have money he's just not using it for his kids. You on the other and being on benefits won't have much to spare but he would happily take the money from you.

Does he live ith his mum? Does he have a car to maintain?
Other than transport to work what bills does he have?
I'm wondering where all his money is going.

He can afford it, he's choosing to use it for other things such as going on the piss with his mates.

Just to clear up (think I may have been unclear lat night, was very upset) he gives me train fare back every time so nothing owed there, and he was giving me most of the £200 I think. I know what he earns as he is very open about it and seems to want to contribute, likes the idea but not the reality I think.

I checked the amount on the CSA website, as I thought if he couldn't afford it maybe it was too much? It turned out it was so I told him, he fell out with me! Apparently I was being money-grabbing and he wants to give it to me because he wants to, not because he has to. Making it formal is what I wanted to do in the first place so we didn't have to argue about it, but he says this shows I don't trust him (I don't!)

Sorry, just venting now. Trying to stay angry so I don't give in like I always do when he comes over. I miss him already. WHY!?

Good grief.

There isn't any of this that is in any way 'normal'.

Anyway - you don't get 'maintenance' when you are in a relationship, you get it once you have split up. In your case you've split but he still gets all the benefits. What planet are you on?

ControversialAnnie – listen up, and hold you head high.

You are bringing up two little ones on your own with minimal help and support. That shows me you have strength

You have listened to what people say on here and you are learning from what has been said. That shows me you have maturity and can change.

You have decided to do something about the situation even though you will find it hard. You have courage

You deserve someone who has these qualities too, someone who can be an equal, respectful partner. Your children need a dependable, inspiring Father.

If your current partner cannot fill these shoes you need to be free to find someone who can. You are right that an ultimatum is the way to go. One chance to change.

Honestly if I was you, I would expect as a minimum for him to turn up with a big apology on his lips, regret in his heart for letting you down, a small toy or treat for the kids and something like a bar of choccie for you. No matter how broke he is, if he cannot get his arse down the poundshop and find the equivalent of less than the cost of a pint, he falls way short of what you deserve. So shut the door and move on. If he gets in the door he can take them to the nearest playpark for an hour to give you a rest. And then you can talk.

Love is not only about what you feel, it is about what you choose to do. He needs to choose every day of his life from now on to do things to show you how very much you and his children mean to him. If he chooses not to do this that is his failing not yours.

Good luck, strong and courageous woman.

LittleBairn, Yes he lives between his parents houses. No bills apart from the phone contract he just set up. He pays £30 a week rent/food, train fare, and any debts for the week (usually from me).

I don't know where it's going . He earns £200 p/w when he has no days off.

sandfish, thank you.

I would expect as a minimum for him to turn up with a big apology on his lips, regret in his heart for letting you down, a small toy or treat for the kids and something like a bar of choccie for you. No matter how broke he is, if he cannot get his arse down the poundshop and find the equivalent of less than the cost of a pint, he falls way short of what you deserve. So shut the door and move on. If he gets in the door he can take them to the nearest playpark for an hour to give you a rest. And then you can talk.

If that happened I would be willing to try again. I would be over the moon. It won't happen, he never takes them out alone and wouldn't think to get them a toy. He does get me chocolate but only when getting himself something.

I am coming around to the idea of just moving on. Need to put my big-girl-pants on.

So he's giving you £50 per week currently. But then you sub him in other ways. So actually he's not giving you £50 at all because he's taking it back. Not to mention you're paying extra on your electricity, hot water, food bills when he is staying.

It's going down the pub, drinking is expensive these days. He's probably also eating takeaways because he can't be arsed to cook, if he smokes that costs about £20-50 a week depending on how much he does it. All of those things would easily eat up £200 per week. If not that, then fruit machines, clothes, drugs?

I think you are right to give an ultimatum, but I also think you would be better off without him than if he did decide to move in. He will continue to take the piss just like he is doing now.

Annie, you've said that you have a DD. Please think - is this the kind of relationship you'd like her to have with a partner? What do you hope for in her future? Accept no less than that for yourself because, by accepting less, you teach her that what you have is all she can expect.

You don't mention whether your other child is a boy or a girl. If you also have a boy, by accepting your partner's awful treatment of you and your children you teach your son that this is how men behave, that it is fine to seek handouts so you can spend all you can get your hands on on treating yourself - whether that's on alcohol, drugs, gambling or just the latest games console - regardless of what your partner and children are doing without in order to fund your selfishness.

Please keep this in mind to help you to remain firm and get rid of him.

How your partner manages to see the children is not your responsibility. If you're concerned about him taking him to his mother's with her dogs then by all means offer contact in your home, but make sure someone other than you is there. He needs to learn to take responsibility. This means arranging contact, planning on places to take his children, funding these access visits himself, paying a suitable amount of maintenance regularly, being interested in the children's progress, etc. If you try to help him to be a father, at some point you will reach the end of your patience with his ineptitude and will stop prompting / funding / planning his attempts at parenting. By this point your children will find it far harder to see that their father actually cares less about them than he does himself. Far better that you let him try now to be a father without you propping him up, so if he does fail to keep seeing them / contributing voluntarily they will not have so many memories of being messed around.

As your children get older, they get even more observant. If you continue to prompt their father into being a Dad they will see this, and wonder why their Dad has to be persuaded to visit / care / buy birthday and Christmas presents, etc. Knowing that he's only present in their lives because you make him will not lead to a positive relationship with him, nor will it allow their self-esteem to flourish.

Take care Annie.

He got angry bout making it formal because he knows he can't back out of it once it done. Nothing at all to do with being the provider that he's trying to portray.

While he might seem generous with £50 pw he knows if you were living together he would need to contribute a lot more in terms of rent, bills, food and things for the children.

He's very good at diverting attention away from the fact he's a looser who is trying to get out of supporting his kids.

I'm pleased that you are sticking to moving on with your life without him.
Trust me there are better me out there who will treat you with respect and love you every day of the week not just when its convient for him.
It will give your children a lot more healthy picture of adult relationships and how they deserve to be treated.

Better MEN.